14 May
Tic Tac (Camel) Toe

It’s Friday!  Which means that The Mouthy Housewives are getting a jumpstart on their days of rest and asking a Guest Mouthy Housewife to fill in.  Today we’re lucky to have Erin from I’m Gonna Kill Him.  What, too sentimental?  I recently discovered Erin’s site and it’s a funny treat with a bite.  So, enjoy her advice below and then treat yourself to her blog.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My friend has a horrendous cameltoe. No way will I ever tell her, but can you suggest ways that I can put a mutual friend up to it?

Signed,

I See Paris, I See France, Good Grief, Get a Looser Pair of Underpants

__________________________________

Dear Camel Spotter,

Your friend is perpetrating the highest fashion crime of all, yet it’s one so personal that it’s hard to issue a citizen’s arrest. You’re hoping to compel a mutual friend to be the ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back,’ but I suspect that if your friend has been allowed to walk around this way, there must be a long list of witnesses who are hoping someone else will take down the camel. Your third party options, as I see it, are limited to:

- This post.  Tell her of this ‘very funny site she might enjoy’ on the day this post ‘coincidentally’ appears.  Your question surely had me confirming that my own vaginal silhouette was well covered.  And I purged my closet of any legwear that fits tighter than 80s Hammer pants.

- A gay man from the Bravo network.  Do you happen to have any inroads to gay fashion consultants?  They delight in telling women they look horrid and would stage an intervention complete with public de-pantsing and burning on your behalf.

If these two solutions don’t work for you, I suggest you take the moral high road, like Jesus would, and tell your friend yourself.  Think of how grateful you were to the person who told you there was pesto stuck in your teeth.  Telling a friend there is a cotton-poly blend stuck in her vagina is a little more difficult, but that’s bound to win you Get-Into-Heaven points.  I once had a stranger at a conference tell me that my shirt had become caught on the back of my chair, revealing very high-waisted underwear under low-waisted pants.  I now believe that even if that woman barbeques kittens for a living, she’s going to be sharing a lunch table with Ghandi and Mother Theresa when she passes over to Eternity.  As Jesus said, “Let him who is without cameltoe, cast the first stone.”  Or something like that. Why else did he have everyone wearing linen robes?

Fear of the flames that burn but do not consume should inspire you to act righteously upon the question “WWJDAC (about cameltoe).”   Tell her.  Or, for God’s sake, buy her a tunic.

Good luck,

Erin, Guest TMH

15 Responses to “Tic Tac (Camel) Toe”

05.14.10#1

Comment by Marinka.

Great advice, Erin!

And if anyone gets a “you have a cameltoe” call today, they have you to thank!

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05.14.10#2

Comment by Heather, TMH.

I am very close to Jesus and he said tunics are the absolute perfect solution. Not only do they prevent camel toe, but they also prevent schweaty balls.

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05.14.10#3

Comment by Wendi, TMH.

You could also just take the blunt approach & ask, “Do you feel a large piece of fabric that’s permanently stuck in your vagina like a dollar bill in a wallet? Yeah, that’s not supposed to be there, honey.”

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Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole Reply:

Laughing so hard at this that tears are falling! I will never look at my wallet the same again.

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05.14.10#4

Comment by June.

I am so nervous that all of my pants are revealing a bad kind of ‘cleavage’ now. I’m moving on to skirts with granny panties for the summer.

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05.14.10#5

Comment by hokgardner.

My husband’s softball team was almost named “Rhymes with Mammal Poe” but the softball league wouldn’t let use the name.

Not that the above contains any useful advice whatsoever.

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05.14.10#6

Comment by vodka tonic.

Well, obviously you need to pony up with your own camel toe, as a conversation opener. “Does this make me look puffy down there?” Either she will point out that you, indeed, have a front crack, or she won’t notice. If she just doesn’t have an eye for it, and you will never be able to do anything to help her. But if she can see your business, it can lead to a nice chat about finding the right jeans for one’s lady bits.

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05.14.10#7

Comment by Kelcey, TMH.

Great answer. I plan to use the term “vaginal silhouette” as much as possible now. Wait – this post isn’t about me, is it?!

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05.15.10#8

Comment by Karin.

I learn so much from the Mouthy Housewives and urbandictionary.com…

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05.15.10#9

Comment by dusty earth mother.

It’s so rare to find a website where “cameltoe” and “Ghandi” are used in the same paragraph. Pretty sure those two are usually more than six degrees separated.

Blurt it out, babe, with a “It kills me to tell you this, but…” at the beginning. She’ll thank you. You know, after her initial response of rage and shame.

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05.16.10#10

Comment by Melissa.

Are there spanks for camels? You know, to give a smoother contour? Wait, you say these always existed as those fix it flat granny panties? But, what will my friends and admirers think when I bend down for my pants to show a wide fabric coverage of my crack instead of naked or flossed crack? They’d be all, where are your grandchildren? And then I would have to explain that I’m trying to smooth out the goods so people on the streets don’t try to jump on my back and ride me through the dunes while whipping my ass with that little whip stick. Because that, I only like to do in private.

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05.16.10#11

Comment by Domesticated Gal.

“Sweetie, those pants really show off your tush quite nicely. Not to mention your VAGINA.” See? No need to make her feel bad – who doesn’t appreciate a Vagina compliment?

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05.18.10#12

Comment by Ask them, I dare you… | Razorgirl''s Adventures.

[...] Your friend is perpetrating the highest fashion crime of all, yet it’s one so personal that it’s hard to issue a citizen’s arrest. You’re hoping to compel a mutual friend to be the ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back,’ but I suspect that if your friend has been allowed to walk around this way, there must be a long list of witnesses who are hoping someone else will take down the camel. Read the rest: Tic Tac (Camel) Toe [...]

05.02.11#13

Comment by Smelly Cats! | The Mouthy Housewives.

[...] Much like you would if she had lipstick on her teeth or a camel toe. [...]

06.19.11#14

Comment by Ace.

This is embarassing to say, but at one point when I had gained a bit of weight, but was still stuffing myself into my old jeans, my very sweet husband tactfully, lovingly, gently, informed me that I had cameltoe. Once I got over the initial embarrassment and the dread I felt buying new jeans, I thanked him. It was a great relief to know that he is a good enough friend to tell me and spare me any further embarrassment. I have noticed this problem does generally occur when a woman has gained a little weight and is still trying to wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small. I also have to guess that this issue could lend itself to problems like yeast infections, so really all friends should do their friends a favor and just TELL them. Nothing makes you feel more connected to someone like knowing they will be honest with you for your own good.

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