08 Mar
Stop Dating Losers!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a friend who has a knack for picking horrible men. I know I’ve had doozies in my life, but dude, it’s like she’s a Lifetime movie marathon. There has been 4 relationships in the past 13 years or so.

They’ve all been alcoholics, emotionally abusive, (though I have a feeling that she has issues in being abusive toward them also) some physically abusive, some addicts of various drugs…you get the picture.

She sucks at choosing men. She just got rid of one and I can see that she’s beginning to cave. Even if she doesn’t , she’ll start dating the first loser who shows her some attention anyway. How do I keep her from going into her usual self destructive path? I don’t want to watch it again. It sucks.

Sign,

Help Me Help Her

___________________________________

Dear Help Me Help Her,

Yes, I do get the picture, but then again I’m a Lifetime Movieaholic.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time a friend of mine dated someone I didn’t approve of, I’d probably have a private island by now. And not many friends. Because for some reason people don’t like to hear that they’re dating losers, abusers,  morons and other undesirables in Rush Limbaugh t-shirts.

If your friend continuously dates men who don’t treat her well, it has as much to do with her as with them.  Chances are she has low self-esteem, fear of being alone or something else that draws her to these people.   And whereas you can give her the “You Can Do Better” talk, her issues are deeper than a pep talk from you can address.

But that doesn’t mean that you should be silent.  Let her know that you are concerned about her physical safety and emotional health. Talk to her about what qualities her ideal man would have (but remind her that I am the first in line for Brad Pitt.  With a bottle of shampoo and some deodorant). Ask if the men that she is dating are meeting her needs.

At the end of the day, if she is engaging in destructive behavior, you don’t have to watch.  Tell her that you love her (or like her a lot), but that you simply can’t endure seeing her endanger herself repeatedly with men who treat her badly.  Remove yourself from the situation.

It’s definitely easier said than done, but sometimes you have to save your own sanity first.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

8 Responses to “Stop Dating Losers!”

03.08.12#1

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

Good advice.

Also, why not try your hand at setting her up with a nice guy you might know? Show her where all the cowboys have gone.

Doo doo doo.

Wendi Reply:

Yes! Set her up with a normal person.

03.08.12#2

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

You might, in the course of your talk with her, advise her to start a therapy and solve the issues that make losers so attractive to hers.
It’s a problem she must tackle and solve herself, and nobody else can do it in her place, unfortunately.

If it can console you, one of my co-workers has the same problem, only she gets rid of her losers more rapidly and changes one every 2 or 3 years… all losers, all abusive and nothing anybody tells her about it is of any use, till she decides to help herself.

03.08.12#3

Comment by Avprobeauty.

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 12 I am now 25 going on 26 and she always picks terrible men… and it is because she has low self-esteem etc. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years because I was tired of the same old crap and I was settling, you would think she would learn from my example but no such luck… so now whenever she needs me I don’t jump and I don’t enable, I’m tired of her crap too and being miserable all the time because she chooses to surround herself with turkeys. Good luck.

03.08.12#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

I have a friend I haven’t seen for 10 years because she is stuck in the same cycle with an abusive jerk. I love her, but after helping her through at least three separations, I found myself angry with her and talking to her as if she were a child, not a 40 year old woman. Excellent advice Marinka, sometimes you just have to step back.

03.08.12#5

Comment by Distracted.

[…] this week, for example, I’m over at The Mouthy Housewives giving advice on what to do when your friend dates […]

03.11.12#6

Comment by Katie R-G.

So I was your friend. Not literally, but you know, figuratively or something. I ALWAYS chose drunks, druggies or just downright disasters of men. It took a lot of therapy and Al-Anon to help me learn to stop being so co-dependant and to VALUE MYSELF. Hopefully your friend finds herself. My closest friends stuck it out with me, and I’m more grateful than they’ll ever know.

04.19.12#7

Comment by How Do I Dump This Abusive Lpser? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] Because you deserve better. So much better. […]

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