Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I loaned someone I thought was my friend $800 so her car didn’t get repossessed for the second time. She then went out of town for a month, and texted me once to say that she’d repay me when she got home. Now I hear that my “friend” came home over a week ago, and she still hasn’t contacted me. I don’t want to be a stalker, but I do want my money and my portable DVD player that she borrowed from me returned. Should I just go over to her house and confront her?
Dude, Where’s My Money?
Dear Dude, Where’s My Money,
In the immortal words of Shakespeare: Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend.
And in the immortal words of my mother: Oh, Wendi. Why the hell’d you give your lunch money to Susie Johnson? You know full well she’ll just spend it on blue eyeshadow and cheap wine and then steal your boyfriend again. When will you ever learn?
Repeat after me: Unless you can afford it, never, ever loan money to a friend no matter how desperate they may be. Because 9 times out of 10, you’ll either lose your money, your friend, or both. And I don’t know about you, but those are losses I can’t afford. (With the exception of that skank Susie Johnson. She knows what she did.)
Now what can you do to get your Benjamins back? Well, if you have any friends or family members in the mafia, like an Uncle Jimmy Kneecaps or a cousin who keeps large bags of cement in the trunk of his Cadillac, simply let them know about your problem. Then bada bing, bada boom. No more problem!
But if you’re one of the unfortunate few not connected to a made man, let’s move on to idea number two: become a pest. Text, email, Facebook, telephone, and Skype this deadbeat friend of yours until she gets the message that you won’t go away until your money’s returned. Click on this to find out how to do it in more detail.
The task ahead may not be easy, but I wish you the best in getting what’s owed to you returned. As anyone who’s ever seen Judge Judy can attest, you’re certainly not the only person whose kind heart has put them in this position. Just promise me that the next time someone asks you to loan them money, you’ll yell, “What do I look like? An human ATM, you loser?” and then run away as fast as you can in the other direction.