07 Jan
No Dissing Deadbeat Dads

It’s Guest Post Friday! And today we’re thrilled to welcome The Empress herself, Alexandra from Good Day, Regular People! Not only is Alexandra a damn fine writer, but she’s also an incredible and generous friend to just about everyone who knows how to spell the word “blog.” Seriously. Get this woman on your side and the world is yours. So, please take a look at her sound advice below, then go check out her always entertaining blog. Thanks, Empress! — Wendi

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My best friend just turned 21, and she has a 1-year-old daughter. The father skipped out of town (literally) when she became pregnant, but my friend has since moved on and is with a wonderful man who has two children of his own. The problem I have is that she posts Facebook statuses about what a deadbeat (among other thing) her daughter’s father is. How can I tell her this is tacky and makes her look bad?

Signed,

Ixnay on the Deadbeat Adday

————————————-

Dear Ixnay on the Deadbeat Adday:

Elltay ouryay  estiebay atthay—crap. What are the rules on digraphs and Pig Latin again?

This may be the shortest advice given at The Mouthy Housewives. Nonverbal, too. See my hand? See me holding it out in front of me, with my palm extended open? Yeah? Good. That’s for you to drop your bestie’s phone number in there. Me and your girl haz got to talk.

She can’t be doing this. It’s so bad, that I am willing to call her and explain all the reasons around the world in 80 days why she can’t be doing this. Firstly, she does not want to be known as baby mama drama, i.e., X is talking to a new beautiful girl and this comes up, “Aww…she ain’t nothin’…she’s just baby mama drama.” (I’m assuming since he’s a deadbeat dad that he’ll be using the word “ain’t.”)

Secondly, ummmmm….didn’t both the X and baby mama know what happens when you spin the Vatican Roulette wheel?

Thirdly, does she not know (apparently not) that when she gets on Worldbook and tells everyone that her baby daddy is nothing but an Xbox stoned  dude with a dungeon tan  that she Twitter banged, she’s saying she did this BY CHOICE? Can she hear me? She wanted to do the nasty…with him?

Fourthly and Most Importantly, without baby daddy, she wouldn’t have her beautiful baby. Ponder on that, Missy who must vomit every thought that comes into her head. Practice emotional control and realize that this is your baby’s daddy. What this baby needs is to know that her parents love her—step or biological. Nothing else needs to be known. Realize this and take the higher road.

I’ll call your bestie tomorrow. When’s the best time to find her on Facebook?

Sincerely,

Alexandra, Guest TMH

73 Responses to “No Dissing Deadbeat Dads”

01.07.11#1

Comment by April.

I respectfully disagree. Ok. From what ixnay wrote we are not sure if she is posting this stuff to HIM. I see she is just venting on HER Fb wall. There is nothing wrong with that. If people don’t like it they can either unfriend her or hide her statuses. I mean really. People post all kinda junk over FB. From I hate my baby daddy to I just took a poop and it came out all good. A true friend would be there to listen to her. No woman has a child with a man thinking he is going to be a dead beat dad. I am divorced and while my ex is involved in my kids lives, there are times I want to scratch his eye balls out with a rusty fork. The advice I would give to ixnay would be to see if you can talk it out with your friend. Be her friend. If she is going totally over board and posting stuff that could be used against her in some way, call her up and tell her. Sometimes people don’t think that what they put down in anger can come back to bite them in the tail. The fact that she is in a new relationship does not matter in the fact that it ain’t (yeah I use that non word) right for baby daddy to be a deadbeat.

Bottom line, if she is your friend you need to be her friend. You never know, one day you may be walking in simular shoes.

Alexandra Reply:

Good point!!

No one should facebook in anger. 2 heads are better than one, we should’ve written this reply together. xo

01.07.11#2

Comment by Anonymous.

I am more inclined to agree with Alexandra. One should never trash their child’s father in public and especially in front of and/or to the child. It’s a bad example and only belittles yourself; along with causing the child to take sides. One day the child will learn.

I do understand April’s viewpoint, but a TRUE friend; while listening and empathizing; does not; and I can’t stress this enough Trash talk the baby-daddy. Mamma gotta take a stand. As well as the high road.

Take it from one who’s walked that road. It’s not easy; yet no one disrespected my child’s father; regardless. Hate him behind closed door if you like? But don’t put that child in the middle. If my closest friend had done that? We’d have had a conversation then I would have broken the friendship and told her why. Then she could add me to the trash pile as well.

Alexandra Reply:

Anonymous!

Last time I saw you, you caused so much pain. Glad to see you’re back to loving again.

I agree, with me, of course.

You just don’t throw yourself on that trash pile. Mama gotta take the high road: otherwise, she’s telling the world, I love mud. Look at me, rolling with pigs..oink oink.

You don’t want to be oinkish.

01.07.11#3

Comment by Karen.

I think its wrong when women do this. I have an ex, he is the father of my 3 eldest and Id never bad mouth him out in the open like that even tho I dont like him. I do it privitely with friends or in person if I have too.. I don’t understand the need for everyone on your facebook to know, unless every single person on that list is your close friend or a close family member, otherwise, it just looks bad! If you are good friends with her, then you should be able to talk to her about how ‘bad’ this looks, it does reflect on her, that may not be nice but its a fact.

Alexandra Reply:

Exactly.

Why does the world have to know you have poor judgment when you decide who to get naked with.

How can it make you look good? How?

Karen Reply:

I actually don’t think its all about making him look bad, its a combination of that and also an attempt to get comments like “aww poor you, he’s a loser’ etc etc. The sympathy card, ya know?
Pity it backfires:p

01.07.11#4

Comment by Halala Mama.

It doesn’t matter if she isn’t posting these “worldbook” slams to HIM, she can say these things to his face to clear her frustration provided she could ever find him. It makes HER look bad for all the reasons that Alexandra outlined. People have got to understand that what they put out on Facebook and Twitter is more than a way to relieve frustration but it is a very public and LOUD way of recording who you are.

Alexandra Reply:

I love what you said and am going to follow you home.

01.07.11#5

Comment by kyslp.

Sounds like Girlfriend needs to get a blog. She can vent it out anonymously and get lots of tea and sympathy from her readers.

Alexandra Reply:

Hahahahahhahahahhahahahaha!

There you have it…the reason we all get blogs. xo

01.07.11#6

Comment by Plano Mom.

When you trash your child’s parent, you are trashing part of your child. Would you call your child a deadbeat good for nothing? Your ex, no matter how you feel about him or her, is a huge part of who your child is and his or her identity. Don’t be dissin’ Daddy lest you discover how badly he (and your child) are dissin’ you.

Alexandra Reply:

So right. This child will grow up and see this on FB and think, “nice choice, mom, thanks a lot for the good start.”

Not much of a Gerber program, is it?

01.07.11#7

Comment by Major Bedhead.

I don’t think Facebook is the place to trash anyone, deadbeat dads, mothers-in-laws or your creepy neighbours. Why? Because prospective employers will find it and read it and say “Uh, no, maybe we don’t want to hire this person who is spewing all this crap and having all this drama all over the internet.”

Feel free to hate in person, to trash talk to your friends when you’re upset about it, but keep it far, far, FAR away from your child’s hearing and far away from the internet.

Alexandra Reply:

I know, I know.

When will people realize the internetz is forever? No takebacks on the worldwideweb.

01.07.11#8

Comment by Truthful Mommy.

I agree. I NEVER understand the whole ex bashing, especially if you have child with him. Basically you are screaming to the world…”Look at me, I have HORRIBLE taste in men!” Why would you do that?Keep it on the down low! Plus, shoudl you really be bashing your child’s FATHER. Come on, if for nothing else…for your child That kid can’t walk away from their relationship with that man. SO try and spout their redeeming qualities when around that kiddo. ANd when your out in public, shut the lip. Now when you’re drinking wine at your girlfriends house..go for it. She’ll listen and it’ll ge toff your chest and fall onto ears who understand and support you.

Alexandra Reply:

Yes! Yes! Yes!

To the drinking wine at your girlfriend’s house.

01.07.11#9

Comment by Only You.

First of all, Alexandra, love the “Vatican Roulette.” You crack me up!

On to the more serious topic at hand (didn’t expect the comments to turn serious at Mouthy Housewives…), I agree too that the woman shouldn’t be slandering the ex on FB. The guy’s got serious problems but the mom’s behavior doesn’t say much about her either. Maybe they were a good match. At any rate, my husband has an ex, and what I had always admired and respected is that he NEVER ever said one bad word about her, not even to me and certainly never to his son (that he had with her). Granted, their case is different and this woman in question has plenty to be furious about. But like all the others said, she should take the venting private. Doing so publicly shows just how immature and young she still is, just like the guy she had the baby with.

Alexandra Reply:

Thank you, Only You, for bringing glamour and sophistication and quiet poise to The Mouthy Houswives today.

I daresay, it’s the first for all of us, and you’ve elevated us to a new level.

I find myself typing with a straighter back as we speak. TY.

01.07.11#10

Comment by highlyirritable.

The internet is FOREVER, people. Kinda like the relationship you (hope to) have with your children.

Do the math.

Alexandra Reply:

So dang true.

Forever…watch what you say. Be careful how you make those around you look, and know that you don’t know who sees what.

You have no idea…

01.07.11#11

Comment by Justthe10.

I “get” the need to vent. I understand some people just want to say it…

Let’s look at the case of my pseudo sister inlaw… My DH has a sperm donor for a father, this “grandfather” to my kids will never meet my children for various reasons.

This man has spawned children with other people, and one of those other people had an adopted daughter. Follow me still? This girl was BORN into a drama house, then adopted into a drama house.

She NOW lives a drama life.

By her own facebook stats: she hates her baby daddy, she glad 2b a single momma and don’t B needin any baby daddy to take care of her and her daughter. (this girl lives with her mother) and then she turns around next week and posts about how she is so glad to have her man back and all the “frontin biatches” need to back up off her man. Then she trash talks them for a while, and her man leaves her and she doesn’t need anyone anymore.. Repeat.

And now she is so in love with this latest that she’s known for like 2 months. Then, pregnancy.

And he’s gone.

She looks like the crazy one. She is painting the picture of what a jacka$$ she is.

Instead she could have just posted that she is a strong woman that is doing everythin for her daughter. Then she could have posted that her family is strong and ever moving forward with changes for the better. Then something about the hurdles in life may be big, but she can get through them with her family.

People SHOULD vent, but I agree with this post, it doesn’t have to be drama inducing twaddle on every FB status update.

Keep it real people, but also be mindful of the situations you put yourself into.

Alexandra Reply:

Yes, watch what you do first. And, if you screw up, don’t make it worse by looking like a fool.

Hands on the keys, hands on the keys, looking like a fool with your hands on the keys.

Step away from the keyboard, and do not type your fury out there.

01.07.11#12

Comment by Lessons in Life and Light.

Ooooh, bashing ANYONE on the internet is a bad idea. Why? Becuase it’s out there for the whole wide world to see and it’s mostly just a reflection of YOU.

Saying negative things about this baby’s father is not only hurtful to the child in the long run, but could actually be used against her if there was ever any fight over custody. Recently, a friend of mine asked me to write a character reference for her to give to her lawyer to be used in her custody hearing. I know how frustrated she is with her ex being such a slacker, but the truth is…she never publicly says anything negative about him. I felt very confident in writing that reference for her because she’s never given me a reason to doubt her character.

Definitely say something to your friend. She needs to learn to vent in a more private and mature way.

Alexandra Reply:

You know what? That was one piece of sound advice right there.

Possible court custody case…and there you are, with all your not pretty talk on the internet.

Smart lady, you are.

01.07.11#13

Comment by Reiven.

haahaa “step away from the keyboard!” I love it!

Alexandra Reply:

Thank you. I do have my moments…here and far between. xo

01.07.11#14

Comment by Yuliya.

Everyone knows that this is NOT what Facebook is for.

Facebook is for posting pictures of your drunk ass selves from the night before and alternatively posting video with your girls shouting “woo hoo” when “Sweet Home Alabama” comes on the radio. Don’t deny it.

Holla.

Alexandra Reply:

Not that you would know or anything, Yuliya, you’re “just sayin'”

I know…I know.

01.07.11#15

Comment by AlishaJaybird.

Totally agree with the no bashing. That doesn’t need to get out there. It will come back to haunt you with either people reading that thinking you’re shallow, hurt your chances with getting an awesome job, since bosses now haunt FB, or possibly, KEEPING the job you hopefully have now. And your child will see this at some point. With their own eyes, or will be told about it tainted by some sort of gossip garbage. You really don’t want to explain later why you had some moments of immaturity for all the world to see.
IF you just HAVE to spout and vent, may I recommend journaling? Write the mind-cleansing letters that you will never send. Pour out every ounce of your frustration, feelings, and thoughts in a letter to him, but keywords: DO NOT SEND IT! I’ve done it, it works. Nice way to dump the guts, get the refreshed feeling of venting with no harm. And it’s fun to destroy afterward.

If you don’t like that idea, definitely call Alexandra. I wanna call Alexandra, too! 🙂

Alexandra Reply:

Exactly. Why send all those negative vibes into the world.

You can call me anytime. EMail me and presto…instant dialup.

No lie. xo

01.07.11#16

Comment by WTH am I Doing.

I think that kind of constant trash-talking is a huge sign of immaturity…among other things. I have a stepsister-in-law (she’s married to my stepbrother) who is a freaking drama queen. She’s always posting crap on FB & complaining about my stepbrother & his father skills.

And you know what? While she may occasionally have some valid concerns, the way she throws him under the bus & throws around all kinds of emotionally loaded drama makes me think way less of her.

The more I see this is a constant pattern with her? The less I like her. That kind of behavior *does* reflect badly on her, IMO.

Alexandra Reply:

It does, doesn’t it? It looks awful. Believe me, the kids will somehow find it. And when they do? They’ll think less of the person posting, b/c entries like that just make you look stupid. (not you, look stupid, your step SIL, stupid. That kind of stupid)

01.07.11#17

Comment by Rojopaul.

Okay, Alexandra’s comments were spot on and most of the readers comments were as well. So glad you all covered it so nicely.

That said, do people (@April) REALLY post comments about their bowel movements on FB? Mine sure don’t. Sheesh!

Alexandra Reply:

YAY! YAY! For Alexandra being spot on.

I love being spot on.

Say it again, please?

Ahhhh…thank you.

01.07.11#18

Comment by erin margolin.

Wonderful advice, ALexandra—though I’d expect no less from The Empress!

I agree…no disrespectin’ Baby Daddy on Worldbook. You never know how it could come back to bite you in the arse.

Alexandra Reply:

Precisely.

These yung’uns are going to be learning the lesson the hard way.

I feel it in my bones.

01.07.11#19

Comment by KLZ.

A to the men.

Alexandra Reply:

Right?

Why don’t these young kids realize that when schools decide whether or not to accept someone, or employers decide to check someone out? They’re going to go to worldbook?

WHY?????

01.07.11#20

Comment by lori.

I agree! There are definitely plenty of places to vent besides Facebook. She’ll regret eventually. Every one of these situations that I’ve watched play out on FB has ended embarrassingly for someone. Vent on the phone, email, or heck, do it in person! You’ll be glad you did 🙂

Good stuff!

Alexandra Reply:

Right?

We oldsters have seen it all, and it all comes back to bite ya in the arse.

How it does. xo

01.07.11#21

Comment by The Flying Chalupa.

Hot damn, woman! Look at you stirring up trouble at the MHW! Might I point at the little itty bitty phrase at the bottom of this here site that says THIS IS AN ENTERTAINMENT SITE.

I ain’ts gots to come over there and whup a reader do I?

Alexandra, you are hilarious and offer sound advice, you mouthy little empress, you.

Alexandra Reply:

Chalupa??? You read the fine print at the bottom of websites?

oh dear god it’s worse than i thought. coming to get you now, chalupa, and take you out and treat you to some adult conversation, honey.

01.07.11#22

Comment by Renee.

I agree, Alexandra, trash talking in the social network will exact it’s own price. And? Could possibly open up legal issues to do with defamation. No matter how “true” the trash may be.

Alexandra Reply:

My point exactly.

She has to be careful, her child may be involved.

01.07.11#23

Comment by dusty earth mother.

That is her child’s father–end of story. There’s nothing worse than a parent turning a child against the other parent, because eventually that karma is going to come back around. Be classy, take the high road and all that good stuff and shut.your.FB.mouth.

By the way, Empress, Vatican roulette wheel?? Love that with a passion. You’re awesome, as always.

Alexandra Reply:

Oh, and yeh-huh.

That be your baby daddy.

Don’t mess with that.

Makes you look like the dummy.

Smart woman you.

01.07.11#24

Comment by Alexandra.

Haha!

Then, we’re even, cuz I love “shut your FB mouth.”

01.07.11#25

Comment by Skchord.

I also agree with Alexandra. Some people have a very bad habit of airing all their dirty laundry on FB. For example, I have an estranged “sister” who berates her family constantly on FB whenever they don’t agree with her, proceeds to delete them, and then refriend them days later when she realizes how stupid she looks. I have since just deleted her completely and blocked her from trying to friend me again because the drama is too much for me and it just makes her look really bad. FB is for sharing information that you don’t mind your grandmother reading, or your children for that matter. Get a diary for heaven’s sake!!!

Alexandra Reply:

Oh, I would love that on a T shirt, “Get a diary, for heaven’s sake.”

Perfect.

01.07.11#26

Comment by The Mayor!.

I could Facebook & Twitter all day long slamming all of those who whine & bitch on Facebook & Twitter all day long….

:-))

Alexandra Reply:

And you should. Because you are good with the words.

Hear that, everyone, you must visit The Mayor.

Thanks for coming all the way here, Crazy Canuck. xo

01.07.11#27

Comment by leesis.

Oh your Empressness I wished I lived on your side of the world. I’d be dropping in for chats and trying to win truffles.

Regarding the issue…I’m thinking stones and glass houses, I’m thinking of how FB shows how we can allow bitterness to eat not only us up but all that is good in our lives…ie my bet is its not just fb where this bitterness flows for this person and hence for her child, and I’m thinking how ‘ventilating’ is the catch phrase excuse for being nasty little possums!

Wheres the love I ask you…where? Scuse me…I need a drink!

Alexandra Reply:

I agree. I would not want the world to see how ugly thoughts can sometimes get.

Good advice.

I wish I lived near you, too.

Thanks for being here today.

01.08.11#28

Comment by Poppy.

While I don’t really think my ex is a Rat Bastard anymore, I do still call him Rat Bastard because most of my friends don’t know his real name. Thankfully he has a sense of humor as he did stumble upon my little ol’ blog. Now he just signs all correspondence “RB”.

Alexandra Reply:

Oh my gosh, Poppy…that is so funny.

He must realize he was an a$$, right? since he can joke about it?

Thank you for coming over!!

01.08.11#29

Comment by A Deadbeat's Daughter.

I have mixed feelings on this. Yes, you should find a more private place to vent. However, in some cases it’s the only way for the deadbeat to grow a pair and realize he needs to take care of his offspring. My own father refused to pay a dime towards his child support that he owed for my brother, until one of my parent’s mutual friends saw what he was doing (on FB) and called him out on it. Even the court system wouldn’t do anything.

I’d say talk to her about it but try to understand that the whole situation could be much more complex than you realize.

Sigh. Too bad life can’t be like a 50s sitcom- everything would be happy within 30 minutes.

Alexandra Reply:

I know. Though MouthyHousewives is tongue in cheek. I know your pain.

My older sisters both had dead beat dads who never gave a cent to their upbringing. I saw my sisters struggle with working 2 jobs, while I babysat for them for free on the weekends.

Not fun, but we were there for each other.

Dead beat dads hurt the children, stress the single parent, and I wonder if they even care???

01.08.11#30

Comment by Sherri.

Oh, Empress…the sage advice you hand out! And now over here?? Priceless.

Although I cannot even give my 2 cents worth and have it be good advice, I do know that I try very hard to watch what I say about ANYONE on FB. I just feel that it portrays a “me” out there to people who may not know I’m kidding (or just venting). And to a somewhat private person like myself, this is the issue with FB.

The Internet never really goes away, either, and Baby Mama may one day be faced with Baby seeing posts about Babby Daddy. May be best to take the gracious way out.

Oh, and I see Anonymous took a nicer turn!

Alexandra Reply:

I know, sherri…isn’t it fun here? Hope you follow them now, b/c every day here is like a party with really cool women.

On to serious matters: yes, you don’t want to be a loser on FB.

Keep it to yourself, or keep it in a diary.

Thank you for being here today.

01.08.11#31

Comment by Erika.

Alexandra you rock!

I agree and from my own experience with divorce the absolute worst thing you should do is trash you child’s father no matter how angry you are.

That’s what inside thoughts are for.

Take the high road and keep quiet.

Alexandra Reply:

So right on, girl.

Right fist up in the air for you, even jumped off my chair.

01.08.11#32

Comment by MiMi.

Ahhh, Empress. I agree with you all the time. You must be my twin, only with the beautiful Eastern European profile.
Anyway. I don’t care if this girl needs friends to talk to her and support or whatever…you can get that when you are having a one on one convo, NOT by spewing it on FB.
When you take the high road and DON’T do that stuff on FB, it makes you look like a better person. Bitching like that only makes YOU look like a drama queen. :/

Alexandra Reply:

Thank you, Mimi.

And how I love that you are here today.

01.09.11#33

Comment by Sharon.

That is the kind of straight forward advice more baby mama dramas need to hear!

It takes two to make a baby. And I DO NOT understand WHY a girl or guy wants to make him or herself look so incredibly ignorant with all the drama!!!!

That kind of talk always makes me think, “Hmmm, if I was him/her, I would have ran away from you too!”

Alexandra Reply:

That’s exactly it. It just shows the world via FB maybe why the goofball went away. But, still, he needs to financially provide and visit the daughter.

That’s only right.

01.09.11#34

Comment by Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole.

Totally agree with you, Alexandra!

And I think BabyMamaDrama needs a good therapist. They are paid to listen to every single freaking vomit-thought.

Alexandra Reply:

Yes! Yes! Girlfriend needs to hire an expensive friend.

She doesn’t realize how bad she is making herself look.

01.09.11#35

Comment by Shell.

I completely agree. There is no reason to put that much personal drama out there.

It’s not going to solve anything and just makes her look bad. I understand a need to vent, but call up your close girlfriends and do it. Or email them.

I have to admit that an acquaintance of mine did this on fb recently, announcing that her husband was cheating on her and walking out on their family. I couldn’t turn away.

Alexandra Reply:

Like a car wreck, we want to be the voyerus in someone’s life…we just can’t help it.

01.11.11#36

Comment by Cheryl in AL.

I made it a point to never say anything negative about my ex-husband in front of my child. I didn’t want my son’s memory of his childhood to be a bitter mother. I knew that his father would show his true colors better than I ever could. I will say my ex never went deadbeat on me and maybe that would make it different.

I also have a policy to keep facebook impersonal you never know when it will bite you on the a**.

Alexandra Reply:

A to the men. Not men, but to, amen. Maybe I’ll just quit now.

01.25.11#37

Comment by Mandy.

Can we PLEASE discuss the baby’s dad LITERALLY SKIPPING OUT OF TOWN!? Literally skipping. Please tell me somebody else had that mental image of the guy skipping down the street, right past the city limit sign. Maybe he was whistling too. I don’t know.

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