25 Sep
My Best Friend is Addicted to Married Men!

If you went to BlogHer this year, you would have see this super gorgeous redhead running around. And if looking like Princess Ariel isn’t enough, Shari (AKA Dusty Earth Mother) is also an extremely funny, talented writer.  And did we mention she’s super nice?!  Man, it’s exhausting just naming all her amazing qualities. The Mouthy Housewives are delighted to have Shari guest posting today and in return are happy to house sit her adorable pugs anytime. As long as they walk themselves and eat bon bons for dinner.

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Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My best friend and I have been friends for 25 years. She has never married and hasn’t really dated anyone for a couple of years. Lately she has started seeing married men. When all this started she asked me how I felt about it and I just told her that she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

The problem is that she keeps telling me all the gory details about what she’s doing with these loser guys. I’m happily married and can’t help but be sympathetic toward their wives. At this point is it too late to tell my friend that I think what she’s doing is disgusting? I really value her friendship and don’t want to lose her.

Signed,

My Best Friend is Gross, But I Still Love Her

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Dear My Best Friend is Gross,

Yep, this is a tricky situation. This is trickier than just telling your friend she has spinach in her teeth. Trickier than telling her she has toilet paper on her shoe. Trickier than telling her she’s disgusting for sleeping with married men. Oh. Wait. It’s not trickier than that.

So! Let’s practice, shall we? Let’s imagine a conversation between you and another random single woman participating in a perhaps unwise affair with a married man.

Scene!

YOU: Okay, something’s been bothering me for a while and I need to talk to you about it.

ALEX FORREST, GLENN CLOSE’S CHARACTER FROM “FATAL ATTRACTION”: Oh, what is it?

YOU: Well, it’s… um… can you put that down? It’s distracting me.

ALEX: *chopping onions with foot-long butcher knife* But then how can I make you your favorite omelet for our weekly girls’ brunch that we’ve been doing for 25 years?

YOU: Uh… 25 years. We’ve been friends a long time.

ALEX: Yes, we have. Even though you went off and got happily married and I’m alone and bereft and my reproductive organs are drying up. *lifts rabbit from small cage next to stove, wrings its neck, drops it into boiling water, adds bay leaf* So what did you want to talk about?

YOU: Well… I should have said this a long time ago… I just don’t think it’s right for you to be sleeping with Michael Douglas’s character Dan Gallagher. He’s married and I can’t help but feel badly for—what are you doing?

ALEX: *turns lamp on* I just want to see– *turns lamp off* –if the person who’s saying this– *turns lamp on* –and judging me– *turns lamp off* — — is really my friend of 25 years– *turns lamp on*

YOU: Stop it! It’s because I’m your friend that I’m saying this! And I’m not judging you! Well, except for wearing that white dress with no bra, because it makes your nipples all weird and pokey, but other than that, this is not a judgment!

ALEX: *pouring hydrochloric acid on western omelet* I’m lonely! You can’t understand that because you have someone!

YOU: That’s not true! I do understand! You think that just because I’m married, I’m not lonely at times?! — *cell phone rings* –oh, crap, it’s the emergency room, one of my kids—

ALEX: *stabbing herself in leg with oniony butcher knife while unscrewing lightbulb from lamp and sticking finger into socket while licking acid from melted cast-iron pan* I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, BREEDER!

YOU: Okay, okay! Listen. I just think… you’re better than this. And you deserve better. And so does Anne Archer’s character Beth Gallagher. Oh, honey, I wouldn’t be your real friend if I didn’t tell you the truth. Because I love you.

ALEX: *cries, vomits partially disintegrated small intestine into kitchen pail* You’re so right. I’m going to reconsider kidnapping Ellen Latzen’s character Ellen Gallagher for a roller coaster ride and ice cream. Thank you for helping me to see myself clearly. I love you, too.

Scene!

See how easy that was?! And if the conversation can go that well with a borderline personality bunny-boiling psychotic, think of what a snap it will be with your mere homewrecking friend! But even if you choose to go another route with this convo, you gotta speak up. For her sake, for your sake and for the sake of sisterhood. ‘Cause women are supposed to have each other’s backs, yo.

Peace out.

Signed,

Dusty Earth Mother, Guest TMH

11 Responses to “My Best Friend is Addicted to Married Men!”

09.25.12#1

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Thanks for having me, guys, and for that embarrassingly glowing introduction. xxoo

09.25.12#2

Comment by Steph.

I agree talk to your friend about your feelings. However, if you say her behavior is not “right” you are judging her. If you want to keep your friend maybe ask her not to talk to you about her escapades.

09.25.12#3

Comment by Jenee.

“While I still believe that you are an adult and can make your own decisions; it’s really hard for me to hear the details of these relationships because I can’t stop putting myself in the wives shoes.

I love you, and I value your friendship, but I’m having a hard time here. Do you know where I’m coming from?”

The Fatal Attraction style scene is so much more exciting them my answer!!

Jenee Reply:

sorry for the duplicate!!

09.25.12#4

Comment by Jenee.

“While I still believe that you are an adult and can make your own decisions; it’s really hard for me to hear the details of these relationships because I can’t stop putting myself in the wives shoes.

I love you, and I value your friendship, but I’m having a hard time here. Do you know where I’m coming from?”

Hopefully a good conversation will come from that and she will understand your feelings.

The Fatal Attraction style scene is so much more exciting than my answer!!

dusty earth mother Reply:

Love it, Jenee!

09.25.12#5

Comment by rojopaul.

Since when are we not allowed to judge people? Her behavior IS wrong. And if your friend asks you, you are especially allowed to be honest! Ask yourself this: Is it okay if one of the men she slept with was your husband? It’s a no brainer. So just tell her you have revised your previous statement that she’s an adult and can do what she wants and after hearing the details, although you love her, the bottom line is that you don’t like that she dates married guys. Someone once told me, “If you can’t tell your friend how you really feel, then she’s not really your friend.” You don’t have to scream at her, just tell her how you feel, and that you feel bad for the wives too. Maybe this is the time you say, I know you’re an adult and all, but wrong is wrong. It’s NOT okay to sleep with a married man and as your friend, I’m telling you that. Unless he’s YOUR man. Not only that, but she’s cheating herself taking someone else’s leftovers and seeing them whenever they have time for her. I can’t imagine that is fulfilling.

Anyway, love your crazy advice, too, Shari. “I will not be ignored, Breeder!” was especially hilarious to me. Thanks for your guest post advice!

dusty earth mother Reply:

Girl, I’m so with you on this. While I never believe in being “judgmental”, I do believe in “judging”, as in “assessing the situation”. I will state loud and clear that this is my opinion, but I truly believe that women should support each other and that means you don’t sleep with your sistah’s husband. Can I get a “holla” on that?

Avprobeauty Reply:

I totally agree with all. However I will state that having a friend for fourteen some odd years myself, she never listens to me. She considers it and takez some of my advice but the girl always does what she wants anyway and being her friend I cant hold it against her. So if she is your ‘sister’ dont take what she may or may not do with your advice/worries seriously, just be happy to get it off your chest..

sisterfunkhaus Reply:

I agree with you. I don’t think it is a tricky situation. I would have told her straight up that I didn’t think it was right to date another woman’s husband. Not only that but I would ask her why she wants to date men who have taken a vow with another woman but are choosing to be scummy enough to break it. Why would anyone want to be with men like that? They have nothing to offer her.

10.15.12#6

Comment by Erica Reinhart.

I have a friend like this as well.. I however do not say anything to her, “you reap what you sow” and one day she’ll figure that out. I do not want to be involved, half the time I say I don’t want to hear about it and leave it at that, she knows where I stand.

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