03 Oct
Lonely Mom Seeks Friends

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I quit my job to be a SAHM last year when my daughter was born. She’s 16-months-old now and I’m still having a hard time meeting other moms and making friends. I’m a introvert and it’s hard for me to make the first move. I’m very shy until I get to know someone.

We moved to our neighborhood 3 years ago and I met two other moms who seemed really nice at first and then they started snubbing me once we put up a fence. I befriended them on Facebook and invited them over but they never invite me. I gave them my number and they never gave me theirs. I still see them getting together outside with their kids and it pains me because I’m so lonely.   What the hell did I do to these people to make them hate me?

My husband works full time and takes night classes. He has to study on the weekends so I’m starting to go nutty. I joined a playgroup but all the moms that actually go to the functions are already friends with each other and they seem snooty if you’re not in their circle. I’m thinking about going back to work just to have a social life but I recently found out I’m pregnant again. No one will hire a pregnant woman. Any advice on what I should do?

Signed,

Shy Shannon

__________________________________

Dear Shy Shannon,

Being a mom of young children can be one of the loneliest feelings in the word. Because young kids are super adorable but when you turn to a 16-month-old and say, “Damn, I have a headache from that extra glass of Chardonnay last night. I’m worried that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore might be splitting up. And also, I’ve been meaning to ask – are you supposed to still be sucking on that pacifier?” – the toddler rarely answers.

Mothers need wing women. Someone to assure you that it is perfectly normal to bring your kid to the playground and forget his shoes. And your own shoes.

I don’t know what’s going on with those gals next door. It sounds like you have reached out as much as you can and for whatever reason they are not reciprocating. You’ve spent too much energy on those ladies. It’s time to take action elsewhere.

First of all, I would sign your kid up for a couple music or gym classes. Your 16-month-old will love it and it’s a great way to connect with other moms. Next, start your own playgroup. You think you’re the only desperate, lonely mom out there? You aren’t. You just have to find them. Put notices up on community bulletin boards and Craigslist. Just write, “Local mom starting a playgroup for kids 1 to 2 years old. Email me at Shannon@I’mAwesomeAndCool.com if you’re interested.” I’m just guessing that’s your email address.

Once you have a group of moms, just plan a playgroup every week at someone’s house. I promise this works because that is actually how I made all my mom friends when I first had a baby. I’m still friends with these women seven years later.

I would also make sure you connect with other moms online so you don’t feel so alone while you develop IRL friendships. And finally, I would make sure to watch “Gossip Girl” every week because I consider Serena and Blair to be some of my closest friends.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

22 Responses to “Lonely Mom Seeks Friends”

10.03.11#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Dear Shy Shannon, just one little piece of advice: when you start your own playgroup and other moms contact you, say nothing at all about your previous failed attempts at befriending other moms. Smile a lot, be light and breezy and don’t sound or seem needy. A bright smile goes a long way, much longer than words. Just get busy organising playdates, cooking or buying food. Ask about their children (people love to talk about their own concerns), share your experience, but never use negative words. Be sunny and, however shy you may be, everything’ll work fine.

I am pretty shy myself and over the years I found out that this is what works better. Good luck! 😀

10.03.11#2

Comment by Cate8.

wow, as a young mother I had no friends. I only made friends when my kids started school. It made for some lonely rough years and I was married to a misogynist, too, so he wouldn’t have let me have friends anyway.
my daughter is a youngish mom 29 (with kids 10, 5, and 2) I am so proud of the way she interacts with the world.
also a suggestion for making friends~~~ started attending a Church. Church people love little kids and there may be some gals there your age.
🙂

10.03.11#3

Comment by Muffintopmommy.

Another place you can meet other moms is the park. And don’t laugh, but one of my friends made friends with another mom at Target—she called her her “Target friend” at first but she wound up becoming a good friend. 🙂 You never know where you might meet another mom. (LIquor store?) Just kidding. (Not really.) Good luck!

10.03.11#4

Comment by irlmumof2.

Another tip, see if your town has an Early Childhood PTA. My sister made me join our town’s, and it really isn’t that bad. They basically do fundraisers to offset the cost of doing fun child-related activities. We do adult socials as well.

10.03.11#5

Comment by GrandeMocha.

Try
http://detroit.momslikeme.com/members/locations.aspx

They have other cities besides Detroit.

10.03.11#6

Comment by Albug.

Look for volunteer opportunities. Woman working together for a common cause is a great way to make friends. Do you have a home owners association in your neighborhood? That might be a good place to start. Do you belong to the YMCA in your area? They may have a Mommie and Me gym class or something similar that will bring you together with other young Moms. Good luck

10.03.11#7

Comment by natecammom.

I felt the same way when I first became a SAHM. Then someone told me about MOMS Club. It’s a support group for SAHM’s. I was a member in Virginia and in San Antonio. I made some wonderful life long friends. Good luck!

Karin Reply:

MOPs is another one for preschool kids but do shop around – some can be clique-y or very religious!

Also – why in the world would you want to be friends with those women? They aren’t nice or inclusive. Once your kid gets older, they can befriend whomever they want and you can just smile and stock the best snacks (email me – I’ve got a brownie recipe that’s a crowd draw-er).

Make friends with other people who are active in kiddie world. I have 3 kids aged 10, 7 and 4. making friends sucks and I still don’t have a good base of mommy-friends – I just don’t feel all that close with the parent of my kids friends (glad I live local to where I grew up so I can do stuff with my high school girls!). Playgrounds are getting less used right now with the colder weather coming in but the mall playground will be fun for your kid (around here, you won’t meet people at the mall b/c they tend to be self absorbed there but you will have gotten out of the house – this was not the case when we lived in Baltimore). Barnes & Noble and your library have free storytimes (I’ve got some great friends from here). There are tons of Mommy & Me classes so find one with your interests – I did a baseball themed one at the Babe Ruth Museum in Baltimore when we lived there and it was really affordable ($20 for 8 classes – do don’t discount finding a smaller local museum with a program and even the Smithsonian has certain classes), I did music and movement classes, baby ballerinas, and itty bitty yoga (I tried StrollerFit but didn’t like it as it was just a class for me and the kids were stuck in the stroller); I volunteered at a preschool so my son could do Tiny Tots for a discount.

Also, look into playgroups that have already formed in your area. Meetup sends me at least 2 potential local playgroups a week so they really pop up everywhere. You can find other things to do with a local facebook group (I belong to 2 for cheap and free things to do with kids in my area)

10.03.11#8

Comment by StephanieG.

I am all about structured child care. See if there is a daycare or mothers day out program in your area that provides partial daycare.

Not only will your daughter have the chance to meet new friends and socialize, but you will get some much needed time off and a chance to meet the moms who have their children at the facility.

Some of my best friends are ones I met when I put my baby in daycare more than 7 years ago. Even if you’re just there part time, you will have the chance to meet the other moms.

Good luck to you!

10.03.11#9

Comment by S Club Mama.

Don’t go back to work for a social life. Go to a park, a library, a coffee house. Places other moms go and just say HI. Ask about their kids. Introvert or not, you need to break out of that shell if you want to have friends.

10.03.11#10

Comment by danielle.

cafemom.com It can be kinda crazy on that site sometimes but I love being able to post pictures of the weird injuries my son gets and having someone tell me it’s an eruption hematoma. I also love arguing so it works for me.

10.03.11#11

Comment by Plano Mom.

Just say hello.

All your friends are acquaintances you just haven’t developed yet.

And don’t forget that you are a wonderful, caring person who is very worthy of many friends. There is nothing wrong with you – those other ladies are just bitches. The fact that you tried that hard with absolutely no response proves it.

Plano Mom Reply:

Oh, and all your acquaintances are strangers you just haven’t smiled at yet.

10.03.11#12

Comment by suburbancorrespondent.

Don’t give up! If you are still having trouble starting a playgroup, hook into a local homeschooling group’s playground days. Sure, some kids are school-age, but they do have younger siblings. Just keep putting yourself out there and eventually you will find people you click with. Also? La Leche League meetings have women with children who would be close in age to yours. I spent a few years after we moved (when my 2 oldest were 1 and 3) trying to find the right fit, and I was very lonely until I did. Just do not give up!

10.03.11#13

Comment by N and Em's mom.

Contact your school district and see if they have an early childhood ed program. I’m from a small town in MN, and my mom was the coordinator for many years. She held classes and planned activities like pumpkin picking, breakfast with Santa, etc. There is a lot of great advice here. Good luck to you!

10.03.11#14

Comment by Bean.

We moved 1100 miles 3 years ago. I had an awful time meeting people until I just started “accosting” them at playgrounds. If our kids were playing together nicely (& they seemed sane), I’d just say “Hey – maybe we can do a playdate some time” and give her my email address… and then tried not to wait by the computer.

The other thing that worked was that I put my girls in a very PT church preschool. B/c it’s PT, it’s mostly other SAHMs.

10.03.11#15

Comment by meagan.

When we moved to a new area while I was pregnant I knew no one and was desperate to meet other moms. Look for a local playgroup on meetup.com. I joined one when my son was 10 months old and there were only 10 other members. 6 years later I am the organizer of the group and we have close to 150 local moms!

10.03.11#16

Comment by Mamamax.

Hi Shy Shannon!

I set up a playgroup using my local library’s community room! It’s free to use as long as it’s an activity that benefits the community. If you get some interested Mom’s together, it could make a nice neutral venue to meet, especially if space is limited at home! We got some toys donated via Craigslist, and picked up an airpot of coffee from a local coffee shop… all the mom’s signed up for a rota to bring the toy box/coffee/snacks for the kids. It’s a lot of fun!

Good luck!

10.04.11#17

Comment by Mackenzie's Momma.

Strange as it may sound I *swear by* the local McDonald’s playplace. A friend of mine and I have a playdate there once a week (you can gain ‘admission’ for the price of a coffee/sweet tea) and we’ve met a bunch of cool people there.

Then again I also live in a small, small town and have the flip side of running into people who I’d rather NOT see there.

10.06.11#18

Comment by Poker Chick.

Oh I feel bad for poor shy shannon but first let’s look at the good. You have a 16 month old! You’re pregnant again! Congratulations! You’re in the hard part but promise it gets so much better.

Now the other stuff – I hear you sister. I had a really hard time meeting other moms that I LIKED and it took me until my kid was 5 to realize I don’t hate all stay at home moms, just the ones I’d met before then.

So agree with Kelcey stop wasting time with people who don’t think you’re the bomb.

You do need other moms and I promise there are others out there for you that once you find you will get exactly what you’ve been needing. This is a hard time when they’re this young so don’t let these losers rob you of some real friends. Kelcey gave great advice, sign up for classes, playgroups, try new ones until you meet people you like.

Good luck and congrats!

01.19.12#19

Comment by I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends.   The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether […]

06.25.14#20

Comment by Charmin - BC, Canada.

May I also suggest a strong start program through your school district. They are for parents and kids 0-5 and are at an elementary school.
Also swim lessons for baby and parent. Local community centres have lots of programs too for parents and small kids. From drop in to actual classes.
From there someone and you may click and then you can start planning picnics to walks and coffee. 🙂

Check your local city website for up and coming events or your local visitor centre. Even if no one comes along right away, you can still get out and plan things on a budget even.

I am an introvert too and do most things from city events, road trips and nature adventures by myself with the kids. A lot of stuff when they were young was done based on it being free or special pricing.

I have done all the above and seen others too and it does eventually create a connection with a few special people. 🙂
It will only get easier as the kids get older but yes, work is still a great way to get out of the house. It saved me a few times from absolute boredom and loneliness.
Jobs can be on a contract basis for even a few hours a month on your time. Look into merchandising for a company. You are basically your own boss and get out of the house and get paid. Probably can spend a few hours a month out of the house and give daddy some baby time. Will allow you to work pregnant for awhile too.
I do this while hubby works away and kids in school.

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