20 Apr
I’ll Have Kids When I Damn Well Please

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My family and friends have, for some reason, decided that my reproduction plans are very much their business, and they constantly pester my husband and me about WHEN we’re FINALLY going to have babies!? (We have only been married 3 years).

The thing is 1) We’re not ready yet and have a pretty awesome marriage without kids for now, 2) I’m still young enough that everything will be quite intact in the baby-making department for several more years and 3) Even if we were trying, I wouldn’t be telling anybody about it.

To make matters even worse, every time I’m nauseated, tired, or dizzy, they jump all over me with a “Maybe you’re PREGNANT!” which I am not.

Anyway, since I assume that “We’re just waiting because we’re concerned we’ll get one as ugly as yours” is an inappropriate response to this question, how should I respond to the “loving” people in my life when they won’t leave me alone about procreating?

Signed,

I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated.

______________________________________

Dear I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated,

Oh, just go ahead and get pregnant. Why are you being so selfish? It’s the least you can do for your loved ones.   Of course, they won’t be satisfied with just ONE. So you’ll need to have a few more.

Then you can spend 12 hours a day wiping noses, doing laundry, filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, realizing you never turned on the dishwasher in the first place so you’ll have to load it back up again, picking food off the floor, listening to whining, whining yourself, yelling, breaking up sibling fights, changing diapers, removing stickers from the dining room table, preparing meals and generally hiding from children.

Sure, you’ll be exhausted. And you probably won’t be able to remember that last time you and your husband had an evening out. But at least your great Aunt Liza will be happy.

OR tell everyone to suck it. Politely.

And give them a fabricated time line. Explain to your family and friends that you have decided to wait at least two more years before even trying to get pregnant. That should give you a sufficient amount of breathing room.

And when you’re nauseated, tell them it’s from eating too many rocky mountain oysters (bull testicles).

And when you’re tired, it’s from watching too many late night pornos and attending swinger parties.

And when you’re dizzy, it’s from sniffing a dozen bottles of Elmer’s Rubber Cement.

They’ll be way too concerned about your well being to even think about procreation.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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3. And if you haven’t done so already, a Facebook fan of The Mouthy Housewives.

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29 Responses to “I’ll Have Kids When I Damn Well Please”

04.20.11#1

Comment by calliope.

Ooh! Oddly, I was just looking for something like the Silver Diva on Etsy the other day for gifts for my mom and MIL when the baby is born. This would be good. Does she have an Etsy shop by the way?

04.20.11#2

Comment by Kelly.

1. Silver Diva= beautiful stuff!
2. Loved this question and I totally relate. I’ve tried the “timeline” strategy and it has worked to a point with family members. However, my dad recently (“jokingly”) referred to me as “barren” (because that’s SOOOOOO hilarious, no?) and after I vaguely referenced having kids in the future, my mom started pumping her fist like Arsenio Hall. Oie vey. The woman WANTS grandchildren on her timeline, not mine. I look forward to hearing other responses that have worked!

04.20.11#3

Comment by Kisa.

First- Silver Diva=gorgeous stuff I didn’t know existed! Yay! I love silver!

Second- I hears ya sister. I, too, married young and we had a five year plan. I would tell people I barely had any business getting married as young a we did so we were waiting. When we did decide to start having kids, I would then tell all those nosy ninnies, “We finally figured out what THAT was for.”, look knowingly at my husbands crotch and walk away.

04.20.11#4

Comment by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up).

hahaha…the baby questions. When i got engaged my husband got my MIL drunk to break the news to her that he was marrying me. Her first question was “WHY?” Her second was “is she going to breastfeed?”

You can’t win with these people. Tell them it’ll be in your own time…or never. After all, it’s up to you.

04.20.11#5

Comment by Sherry.

Why don’t you tell them you’ll have the babies if THEY will raise them (and pay for their college)!!!!
PS – Love, love, love the Silver Diva! Mother’s Day is coming up and there are a million things I would love to have!

04.20.11#6

Comment by Victoria.

Warning to the childless: That part about the 12 hours of fighting, laundry, stickers and meals is not a joke. Your days of oyster eating, swinger parties, and glue sniffing are OVER once you see the Big Fat Positive.

On a more somber note: Silver Diva personalized jewlery also makes a great remembrance gift for your sisters and friends that have suffered a loss.

04.20.11#7

Comment by Ju.

Hah! I have three kids, so I have joined the ranks of tired women with barely a life (other than the secret one that involves wine every evening, locks on the bedroom door, date nights that are when we feed the children early then make real food so we can eat in peace without a child disrupting us… Heh!) But in all seriousness, early in our marriage, my parents were so desperate for grandchildren that they actually considered adopting three needy children. I couldn’t believe it when they mentioned it. I thought it was a joke! But they actually considered it. We weren’t producing more needy children fast enough so they needed to fill that VOID??!! I pointed this out and they calmed down and waited for the grandkids. So funny. LOVE the Silver Diva jewelry!!

04.20.11#8

Comment by rachel.

I love silver divas stuff.

I friended all the right people 🙂

04.20.11#9

Comment by Mimzy Wimzy.

When someone asks you when you are going to have a baby, tell them you really don’t enjoy doing laundry all that much so you aren’t sure you are ready to have children. OR Tell them you don’t feel that they are ready to be a proper {aunt, uncle, grandparent…} and feel it is in the best interest of all your future children to hold off for a while until they will be able to fulfill their duties appropriately.

Haha… you could also take the tactic of saying “Ya know, we’ve been trying but something just doesn’t seem to be working. Could you come join us in the bedroom tonight and watch how we do things and coach us along as to what we are doing wrong?” That should shut them up for a while! (or create a whole new problem but it will get them off the baby talk!)

04.20.11#10

Comment by Bean.

Or you could threaten them: “If you bring that up again, I promise we will NEVER have them.”

Ooooh, I am loving that Silver Diva jewelry.

04.20.11#11

Comment by Jami.

The questions will turn to something else as soon as you have completed task in question. When are you getting married, when are you have kids, when are you having more kids, when are you getting another pet, when are you getting lipo? lol

I love the Silver Diva jewelery!
Thanks for the great give away!

04.20.11#12

Comment by mommanech.

That Silver Diva stuff is at the top of my mothers’ day wishlist!

As for the baby questions, pushy family members are pushy family members, no matter the topic. You just need to be straightforward and tell them that it upsets/angers/hurts/annoys (pick one) you that they keep bringing up the subject and you would like them to stop. Then assure them that when you and your DH DO make a baby for them, you’ll be sure to tell them ALLLL about it.

04.20.11#13

Comment by My 3 C's.

I’m 38, and never had children of my own. About age 35 they stop asking and change to, oh you’re so smart… blah blah blah. Now I’m raising 3 boys with my boyfriend who has full custody. Tell them when they are ready to cover you and the little ones with Silver Diva stuffs you will begin to think seriously about popluating the family tree.

04.20.11#14

Comment by D..

LOVE the Silver Diva and was already a fan!

04.20.11#15

Comment by Karen.

I would love to have a Silver Diva Necklace for Mother’s Day. I love the hand stamped jewelry and would like to have one of her unique creations.

04.20.11#16

Comment by Karen.

Like the Silver Diva on Facebook : Karen Bridges

04.20.11#17

Comment by Karen.

Like you on Facebook
Karen Bridges

04.20.11#18

Comment by dusty earth mother.

I already liked you on Facebook, duh, and now like Silver Diva because that is one purty neckbob. As far as babies are concerned, tell them you’re waiting until you’re in your 40’s to start so that you can have teenagers when you’re pushing 60. Oh, sorry, that’s me.

04.20.11#19

Comment by thepsychobabble.

You don’t have to be a (silver) Diva to not want people up in your business, literally.
Although I would love to see their reaction to the “ugly baby” response.

04.20.11#20

Comment by StephanieG.

I TOTALLY take issue with the 12 hours a day thing. I have only 1 child (well, besides her dad who usually acts like a child), and I’m going on 8 years of snot wiping, laundry, feeding, clothing, and protecting. As well as I can tell, I’ve got at least another decade to go.

I was an older mom, too, and I can tell you that these well wishers and high hopers have no frikkin idea how much their comments can hurt. When you want nothing more than to be carrying a baby, the constant barrage of none-of-your business questions just makes it harder to live with NOT being pregnant yet.

It’s nobody’s business but yours if or when you’ll get pregnant, and I wish people would just shut the hell up about it.

04.20.11#21

Comment by JubanMama.

When people ask her, my SIL just bursts into tears and says, “I’m barren!” That shuts people up.

04.20.11#22

Comment by lfreece.

Everyone has been liked because I just finished up our taxes on Monday and could certainly use something from Silver Diva to brighten my day.

You know, it never stops. I have two children (9 & 11) and I still get asked when the third is coming. Well, I did until I went ballistic on my in-laws and now they rarely speak to me at all. 😉

04.20.11#23

Comment by Mandy.

I love the Silver Diva jewelry!

04.21.11#24

Comment by From Belgium.

Tell them calmly that you’ll have childeren whenever you are ready and then follow with a really nice awkard question about aspects of the questioners life, such as ‘when are going to get a decent hair cut/lose some weight/fight the frump/etc’.

04.21.11#25

Comment by amourningmom.

I have had experiences that I thought would stop all family/friends from asking any questions EVER about reproduction plans. However, I have encountered people who do not scare easily and continue to ask. So, your best bet would be to go with the Rocky Mountain Oysters and Rubber Cement plan. Or, pretend you don’t hear them and walk away quickly.

Silver Diva. Have not gone on Facebook for a long time but will go become a fan. I am already a huge Kelcey Fan! xoxo

04.21.11#26

Comment by shafeena.

I Bet this one was sent by an indian … this is such an indian thing to do.. parents family and every one else asking about your reproduction cycle and your like… are you CRAZY !!!

NZ Reply:

So not unique to Indian relatives. Is there a modern culture that doesn’t do this? (by modern I mean one in which married couples can&do take steps to plan their parenthood)

08.23.11#27

Comment by pasha318.

I love the Silver Diva! It is great to find well made silver jewelry.

When we were married without kids (6 1/2 years)We just told people that we were “practicing” to make a baby. Most people did not get it, but the ones who did fell down laughing.

01.31.12#28

Comment by I'm Pregnant And Depressed But Are Drugs The Answer? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] I’m not sure if any of your family members are medical professionals so I can’t speak to their qualifications but even so, it’s possible that their closeness to the situation is interfering with their judgment. And family pressure can be especially difficult to handle. […]

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