31 May
Help! I’m Stuck In a Threesome With My Neighbor—And The UPS Guy

It’s Guest Post…Thursday? Honestly, now that most of my shows are in repeats, I have no idea how to keep my days of the week straight. The underwear thing never works. But no matter because today I’m thrilled to welcome the hilarious women behind one of my favorite blogs, Quirk Out! Cary Goldwasser and Diane Kline are marketing executives in St. Louis and one day during lunch they were comparing their quirky behaviors — like leaving five pair of shoes at their desk or packing two suitcases for an overnight trip — and they created QuirkOut! Crazy Things Women do to Stay Sane.  Follow them at Facebook.com/quirkout and at www.quirkout.com. Thanks, ladies! — Wendi


Dear Mouthy Housewives,Recently, the post office left a package on my doorstop that had my address on it, but my neighbor’s name. When I took it over to her, she said, “I hope it’s not a problem, but I don’t want my husband to know I’m taking these pills, so I had them delivered to your house instead.” When I asked he what they were for, she nervously mumbled something about “weight loss,” then shut the door.

She’s always been a little spacey and now I’m wondering if it’s because she’s a pill popper? Anyway, I don’t feel good about this. Should I tell her to stop? Tell her husband? Move? Help!

Signed,

Not a Drug Connection

____________________________

Dear Not a Drug Connection,

Hiding purchases from a husband is a time-honored tradition that began when Cleopatra sneaked her Sephora eyeliner past Anthony at the palace. There are lots of QuirkOut strategies to help us.

We know of one wife who hid six shoes boxes in the trash can in the garage, planning to sneak them into the house when her husband was at work the next day. Who could have predicted this was the one time he took the garbage out to the curb without being asked?  It was a crushing blow when she heard the garbage truck crushing her stilettos.  Bye Bye, Blahniks.

Or another mom who hid her jewelry purchases in her son’s book bag, essentially turning him into a “mule,” but potentially giving him a career option. All this to avoid  conversations about budgets and shopping, which always seems to escalate into whose mother is more annoying.

But to aid and abet in sneaking possible contraband past your neighbor’s husband… that ups the ante. Accepting packages for neighbors used to be such a — well, neighborly thing to do. You sign for my new coffee maker from Williams Sonoma and I sign for your Not Your Daughter’s Jeans from Nordstrom. Then I’d make you a cup of espresso (one or two shots?) while I told you how skinny you looked in your jeans.  See?  Neighborly.

But taking on mysterious contents is a whole other kettle of fish (which would be way too smelly a package to accept). Who knows if these are really “diet pills” or decongestants used for making meth, or just embarrassing ultra-strong deodorant pads?  Either way, we just don’t like being pawns in this game.

So we’d keep it light and say, “I really wish I could help you out, but my husband has banned me from making on-line purchases for a while and I don’t want him to think I’m doing anything behind his back.”

See how that works?  You get to blame your husband.  She gets to sympathize with you about him preventing you from shopping.  And you both get out of a sticky situation.

Good luck!

Cary and Diane, Quirk Out

11 Responses to “Help! I’m Stuck In a Threesome With My Neighbor—And The UPS Guy”

05.31.12#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

This is the advice of a genius!!! 😀

And anyway, it would have been politer to ask your permission BEFORE sending the package to your address.

Next time this happens (for I have a feeling it WILL happen again) just don’t accept the package and have it sent back, then go to the neighbour and tell her C&D’s excellent excuse.

05.31.12#2

Comment by N and Em's mom.

“Accidently” open the package and let us know what is really in it……just kidding…..Okay, I’m not kidding.

05.31.12#3

Comment by N and Em's mom.

“Accidently” open the package and let us know what is really in it……just kidding…..Okay, I’m not kidding. We get our meds through the mail. The sender is on the package. However, I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s stuff. What if the package is lost? Good luck!

Cait Reply:

I completely agree. If a neighbor is going to send packages to my address, I want to know that what’s in them is completely legal. If you don’t feel comfortable with the “accidental” open, let her know you want to see what’s inside before accepting any more. If you ask her to stop and packages still come, let the post office and company know about the wrong address.

05.31.12#4

Comment by Danielle.

Yeah I wouldn’t want to accept packages for anyone. I’d hate to be called as a witness in a federal drug case.

05.31.12#5

Comment by Carol.

Instead of opening neighbors mail, you could always wait til the husband comes home and give him the package! That will stop the wife from putting your address on things.

05.31.12#6

Comment by Big ol' B with a capital B.

I’d simply say, “I’m not comfortable being party to your hiding things from your husband. I respect you both too much to do that. You’ll need to find a different place to send your packages if you don’t want your husband to know about them.”

05.31.12#7

Comment by suburbancorrespondent.

Wow. I wish I could sneak some coveted IKEA furniture into the house that way…

06.02.12#8

Comment by Deb.

I can see this back firing on her in a fat second. Has she stopped to think about the possibility of her husband BEING HOME when you brought the package to her? How would she explain that? Something like that would so happen to me if I tried to pull off a sneaky caper like this. She almost deserves to be caught after trying something like this without thinking it through better, OR asking your permission first.

06.06.12#9

Comment by Noisy Neighbor Dilemma | The Mouthy Housewives.

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10.30.12#10

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