03 May
Happy Birthday to Us! Now Give Us a Present

Today the Mouthy Housewives turns 1-year-old! It seems like just yesterday we were a mere twinkle in the eyes of Heather, Kelcey, Marinka and Wendi. And now just look at us—we’re walking, we’re talking, we’re picking up wine bottles with our kick-ass pincer grasps. Good God, are we adorable or what?

Since it’s such a special day, we’d like to take this opportunity to express our sincere thanks and gratitude to everyone who’s either read, passed along, commented on, guest posted or linked to us. You are amazing and we couldn’t do this day after day without your support. Go ahead, give yourselves a hug! Or a shot of Jager!

Done? OK, now let’s get back to talking about us. We know you’re all probably wondering, “What should we get these talented, gorgeous women for their first birthday? Does Tiffany make engraved Spanx? Should we chip in for a personal home visit from that shirtless Werewolf kid? Are there gift cards for lip plumper?” And while that’s very sweet, we really only want one thing from you: your advice.

Each day this week, one of the Housewives will be posting a personal problem (trust us, we have a lot) and we’d love it if you’d help us solve it. Judging from the hilarious, helpful comments you’ve left over the past year, you’re up for the job. So pull out the bonbons, put on your housecoat and adjust your curlers. It’s Mouthy Housewife time.

First up, the fabulous Marinka:

Dear TMH readers,

I recently started a vigorous exercise program and couldn’t be happier with the results!  The problem is that I am now super judgmental of my friends who don’t exercise.  I’ve invited them to join me, but they’re all “since when is lifting a martini glass not cardio?”  Ha ha, but I’m really worried about them.  I know that like all new converts I can come on a bit strong and be annoying, but I truly want what is best for my friends and I believe that they are compromising their health unless they are physically active.  Besides, if I drag two of them in to the gym with me, I’ll get a free session.

What do you think?

Thanks and Drop and Give Me Twenty,


33 Responses to “Happy Birthday to Us! Now Give Us a Present”


Comment by Elissameck.

Proselytizing? Really? Let’s just see what you sound like in a more traditional form:

I recently found Jesus and my life has changed for the better! The problem is that I am now super worried for my friends who aren’t in touch with Jesus. I’ve invited them to join me, but they’re all “I need to sleep in on Sunday mornings.” Ha ha, but I’m really worried about them. I know that like all new converts I can come on a bit strong and be annoying, but I truly want what is best for my friends and I believe that they are compromising their souls unless they are at least searching for the lord. Besides, if I drag two of them with me, I get a free card at Bingo this week.

Really, we’re all glad that you’ve found exercise. Of course it’s good for you. Of course your friends want you to be healthy. But you go to your church – others will go to theirs. No need to convert the world. In fact, if you really need to, you can make new exercise friends while you’re at it. Then you and those new friends can laugh about how fat your other friends are getting.

Enjoy your workouts!

Marinka Reply:

What’s this Jesus you’re talking about? I want in!

I hadn’t considered making new exercise friends–great idea!


Comment by Sophie.

Wait, isn’t the best part about finding exercise, as Elissameck put it, isn’t the best part looking better than your friends on martini nights? You don’t want them joining, or they might start looking better than you, and we don’t want that, not after you got the new expensive wossname pants. And anyway, nobody likes to be told.

BTW, I’m trying to lose exercise. Can you tell me how to do THAT?

Marinka Reply:

Although normally looking better than your friends is an excellent exercise perk. But sadly, I was cursed with a big heart and a pure soul, so I genuinely want what’s best for them.



Comment by Sally.

Marinka, dear,
As my father often said, there’s nothing worse than a reformed (drunk, smoker, insert your favorite addiction). Just continue on your current path and hope they learn by your fantastic example.


Marinka Reply:

Your father is a wise man.


Comment by Kami.

See, the thing is that no matter the size of your heart, bringing friends over to your side of the exercise fence inevitably means that someone is gonna start looking better than you. Which will blow your whole feeling fab thing and send you into a downward spiral of women and booze. So just do your thing and gently encourage your pals to be healthy. But don’t let them cross you. No one will win.

Marinka Reply:

You have a strong point. I can’t have them looking better than I do. I can’t and I won’t. Any hints on how to sabotage them further?

Heather, TMH Reply:

Because we are sister-wives, I am willing to mail them cookies and brownies to help sabotage them. Especially in the months leading up to BlogHer, because we all know everyone wants to lose weight for that.


Comment by momtrolfreak.

Screw the size of your heart. Worry about the size of your ass.
p.s. If you fall off the exercise wagon, these non-aerobic friends will be hte ones you can run to! If you convert them, you’ll be all alone drinking martinis.

Marinka Reply:

OMG, do you really think that my ass is so big that it’ll pull me off the exercise wagon? I’m in danger! Thanks for the heads up!

momtrolfreak Reply:

omg, not YOUR ass in particular. it was a BLANKET STATEMENT!!!! I’ve never even seen your ass! I’ve only met you once, and it was from the front. I wasn’t even looking at your ass. I was too busy checking out your boobs.


Comment by Ann.

This is all leading up to you leading an ambush jazzercise session at Blogher10.

Marinka Reply:

Jazzercize? Is that what you think of me?


Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

You must cease & desist! I am a vegetarian who has recently had my even-veggie world ripped apart by Food Inc. and now I want to be Jamie Oliver and revolutionize the diets of my friends so they don’t die of Ecoli or Mad Cow or ammonia-meat-poisoning. While I continue to bring my coworkers grass patties and flower stems to eat for lunch, I’m noticing that fewer and fewer people are sitting next to me at work.

So, while you may not want your friends to be fat, it’s better to have fat friends than no friends at all.

If, by chance, your fat friends are averse to lifestyle changes involving ellyptical machines and NOT diets consisting of gulps of air, send them my way. I need some friends to break gluten-free Organic bread with.

Marinka Reply:

Your diet sounds superfun! I’ll definitely sit next to you at lunch!


Comment by Plano Mom.

Is it because you want them to be healthy, or because you want to have company? Or both?

If you are sincerely worried about their health – bullshit. You just don’t like that you’re having to do this alone, without your buds that were there for you while packing on the pounds. The problem is, they’re not finished with the first round of sister bonding – the ingesting of the calories.

Tell them the truth – that you are lonely for their company. That you’re sorry you’re the first one to decide the old methods of bonding and building your relationship aren’t good for anyone. That you really, truly feel that if you could work together, you could all find new ways of being together, and wind up looking and feeling good in the process.

Or how about that you want their help and you don’t want to do it by yourself? That, like going to the ladies room, it’s way more fun with them?

Marinka Reply:

I would love it if they came to exercise class with me, but I am truly concerned about their health. I’ll try your approach and whine them into it. thanks!


Comment by dusty earth mother.

Listen, I’m with you 100%. In fact, you and I should get sandwich boards with “Got Fat?” written on them and stand in Times Square. News of our antics will trickle back to our friends and they will think, “Wow, they are so serious about this. I guess I should repent of my artery-hardening ways and plunge headlong into health.” Yes, that’s exactly word for word what they will think.

Marinka Reply:

I’m so glad that you understand me! I’ll start working on the sandwich boards right away!


Comment by Ashley K..

Invite them out for a night of dancing! Dancing is a great workout that everyone loves, also you could all sign up to take a salsa class or something like that. You have to show them that it can be fun instead of another chore to do.

Marinka Reply:

Uh-oh. I’m not a very good dancer. I’m worried that I will injure myself.


Comment by Crisanna.

When I decided to take up running, I coereced a friend into doing the same by repeatedly calling her (amongst other things) “lame.” It worked for the length of a couch to 5k training, but she bailed soon after that to join the cult of Jillian Michaels. Apparently a “shred” is less threatening than going on to run 6.2 miles in the rain? Pff.

Anyway, if you have enough friends who respond to unmitigated criticism, just target them one by one and you should have a large enough rotation of workout partners to last at least a solid year or two. Plus, they’ll be getting healthy – just like you really wanted! (By the way, you’re only concerned about their physical health, right? I mean, this might not be the best solution if you’re going to be all “I don’t want their shrink bills to go up” or “I think Susie’s already on the highest dosage of Zoloft” – just sayin’.)

Marinka Reply:

You’re absolutely right, I must divide and conquer. I was foolishly preaching to them en masse. I will revise my battle plan.


Comment by Cheryl.

I’ll pay for the free session if that’ll get you off your friends’ backs! How did everyone else miss that? Sure, all that concern about their health sounds great. But just like any other addict, it’s just an endorphin-induced effort to get more of your new drug of choice.

Live and let live, Marinka. You’ll feel better for it, I promise. I really will send you the money for that freebie. At least you’re not free-basing.

Marinka Reply:

Terrific, thanks! But I was going to take several groups of two friends for each free session. And then after I ran out of friends, I was planning on befriending more. Maybe a blank check would work best in this situation.

Cheryl Reply:

Blank? Are you out of your freakin’ mind? Ooops, I forgot where I was for a minute. Never mind.


Comment by Nicole.

Hmm…if begging, whining, passive aggressiveness and criticizing don’t work, I think your best bet would be to send over a driver and the cost of a session to pick them up. Oh, wait, that might negate your free session. Such a great concept, join with a friend and you’ll both get each other to go…except when you’re friends are all totally lame like mine.

And for the record, I don’t want all you Housewives looking too good at Blogher. It’s not fair, you can’t be funnier and in better shape than the rest of us.

Marinka Reply:

Oh, don’t worry! I totally have a fat suit. (It’s so lifelike, it’s scary!)


Comment by Andrea P..

You need to keep us overweight/unhealthy/non-exercising…ok I will just say it, “fat” friends around because we are the funniest and self-deprecating at best. Besides, we may save your life one day…you know, when a bear is chasing us and you can outrun me.

Marinka Reply:

I love my friends of all shapes and sizes. Except my triangular friend. HATE her. She’s very obtuse.


Comment by Alexandra.

I say let them see more of your body. Let them check out your hot body, and then they’ll be wantin’ some of that. Just find an excuse to parade around in front of them in a swimsuit.

That should do it.


Comment by luckylottielou.

Leave your friends alone. They are happy. If you keep messing with them, they will gang up on you and do something you may regret. Find two people in need of money and pay them $20 to go with you to the gym. Done.

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