Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend is on vacation in Hawaii while I’m suffering through the worst winter ever. She keeps sending me annoying photos of herself on the beach, in the surf, etc. I’m happy she’s on vacation, but how do I get her to stop torturing me? I’ve had enough of the photos.
Dear Frosty Franny,
I always find this time of year to be very interesting because while most of the country is freezing their asses off, a few states are still enjoying beautiful, sunny weather and they just can’t keep quiet about it. This is mostly played out on Twitter, where someone like @MamaIgloo will tweet, “OMG, we’re having ANOTHER SNOW DAY. My kids are driving me crazy!” Then someone like @TexasCougar will tweet back, “HAHAHAHA! You suck, you stupid snow person! I’m doing yard work in my TUBE TOP. That’s right–TUBE TOP. LOSER!”
OK, so maybe that first tweet was actually from Kelcey and maybe that second tweet was actually from me. But at least now you know why she no longer wears her half of our BFF heart necklaces. She’s so damn sensitive.
Anyway, I don’t think your friend is sending you those pictures to rub your freezing little face in her good fortune. She’s just so filled up with Vitamin D that she can’t help but spread the sunshine around. You could either just grit your teeth and ignore it, or you could instead keep yourself warm this winter with a raging internal fire of revenge (highly recommended). Simply find out what her inadequacies are, then send her pictures of you completely one-upping her in that department.
For example, if she’s a horrible cook, send her a shot of a gourmet meal and tell her it’s just something you whipped up with the crap you found in your pantry. If her kids are badly behaved and always in trouble, send her a picture of your kids wearing medals around their necks and sitting on the mayor’s lap. If her husband is unattractive and bad in bed, send her a picture of you and your husband rubbing hot oil on his…well, you can see where I’m going with this.
The point is, nothing keeps you warmer during these long winter months than plotting and scheming against someone who’s really done nothing at all to deserve your wrath. That’s why I advise you to just light a fire, put on a sweater and look at those Hawaii photos until your blood starts to boil and your face turns a bright shade of purple. Because while you may not be the one relaxing on Waikiki beach, you can still look like you’re the one suffering from heatstroke, angina and in dire need of a speedy trip to Urgent Care. And isn’t that really what friendship’s all about?