25 Jan
Aloha! You’re A Bitch

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My friend is on vacation in Hawaii while I’m suffering through the worst winter ever. She keeps sending me annoying photos of herself on the beach, in the surf, etc. I’m happy she’s on vacation, but how do I get her to stop torturing me? I’ve had enough of the photos.


Frosty Franny


Dear Frosty Franny,

I always find this time of year to be very interesting because while most of the country is freezing their asses off, a few states are still enjoying beautiful, sunny weather and they just can’t keep quiet about it. This is mostly played out on Twitter, where someone like @MamaIgloo will tweet, “OMG, we’re having ANOTHER SNOW DAY. My kids are driving me crazy!” Then someone like @TexasCougar will tweet   back, “HAHAHAHA! You suck, you stupid snow person! I’m doing yard work in my TUBE TOP. That’s right–TUBE TOP. LOSER!”

OK, so maybe that first tweet was actually from Kelcey and maybe that second tweet was actually from me. But at least now you know why she no longer wears her half of our BFF heart necklaces. She’s so damn sensitive.

Anyway, I don’t think your friend is sending you those pictures to rub your freezing little face in her good fortune. She’s just so filled up with Vitamin D that she can’t help but spread the sunshine around. You could either just grit your teeth and ignore it, or you could instead keep yourself warm this winter with a raging internal fire of revenge (highly recommended). Simply find out what her inadequacies are, then send her pictures of you completely one-upping her in that department.

For example, if she’s a horrible cook, send her a shot of a gourmet meal and tell her it’s just something you whipped up with the crap you found in your pantry. If her kids are badly behaved and always in trouble, send her a picture of your kids wearing medals around their necks and sitting on the mayor’s lap. If her husband is unattractive and bad in bed, send her a picture of you and your husband rubbing hot oil on his…well, you can see where I’m going with this.

The point is, nothing keeps you warmer during these long winter months than plotting and scheming against someone who’s really done nothing at all to deserve your wrath. That’s why I advise you to just light a fire, put on a sweater and look at those Hawaii photos until your blood starts to boil and your face turns a bright shade of purple. Because while you may not be the one relaxing on Waikiki beach,   you can still look like you’re the one suffering from heatstroke, angina and in dire need of a speedy trip to Urgent Care. And isn’t that really what friendship’s all about?

Hang Loose,

Wendi, TMH

15 Responses to “Aloha! You’re A Bitch”


Comment by Sandra.

I have to say, I’d want to go the route of revenge too…come on, it’s fricken pictures of Hawaii!


Comment by Betty Herbert.

She can’t be having that much fun if she’s spending all that time emailing photos…


Comment by Cheryl.

Wendi, I can always tell when you’re up. Damn fine advice as always.

Don’t forget the old saw: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” We who are freezing our asses off know how to do this really really well.


Comment by Kim {The Fordeville Diaries}.

She was stupid enough to take her vacation early in the winter. She has to come back and deal with the rest of the deep freeze — at which point (say, around end of February), you should take your Tropical Revenge Trip (complete with entire Shutterfly album links, of course).


Comment by HealthyGirlGuiltyPast.

I’ve discovered this lovely button called “Delete.” It’s a miracle worker. Another guilt trip message from my mother about how dirty my house is? Delete. Another message from my husband to buy mousetraps? Delete. (We all know that is a man’s job.) Another attachment from your friend? Delete. You get the idea here; don’t even open it. Delete.

Orin Reply:

I agree, besides if it is anything important, like a shark eats her, someone will call.


Comment by Kelly.

Start texting back pictures of yourself in sweats, on the couch, and taking out the trash while wearing pajamas, uggs, and knitted hats. She’ll get the picture. And if she doesn’t, dump her as a friend, because what friend is worth having if irony is lost on them?


Comment by Meredith.

Nice “friend” – I’m actually more concerned that I need to go shopping for some new yard work clothes -are tube tops the standard attire these days? I haven’t had one of those since college & have been looking for a way to work it back into my waredrobe.


Comment by Steph.

Maybe we should hear the other side of the story from a mouthy housewife up north and have a debate? No, on second thought, I just remembered that I love to tell my Yankee friends that it is 50 degrees warmer in Austin (unfortunately, that applies in the summer, too).


Comment by Bekah.

So, the “I just hung Christmas lights in a tank top and shorts because it’s 80 degrees in LA” Facebook status is the reason why I only have 2 friends left?


Nilzed Reply:

Liar. It was raining all through December and that’s why my outside lights didn’t get put up and yours didn’t either. Give me a minute and I’ll have a good reason my my fake tree is still standing in the living room, though undecorated at last.


Comment by The Flying Chalupa.

‘raging internal fire of revenge’ – HA! I like this, see, because it is my main method of staying warm and the heat bills are non-existent.

Hawaii is so overrated, especially when the Four Seasons cabana boy tries to spritz you with Evian and you’re all, dude! I’m getting a massage and you’re blocking my perfect view of whales mating!


Comment by dusty earth mother.

I have nothing to say because I’m still laughing at Wendi’s response. I can’t resist a good tube top joke.


Comment by annie.

block the bitch!


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