Recently, my fiancé and I moved to an incredibly small town (population less that 2,000) so we could be closer to his family. Not only is his sister hateful to me, but she has been spreading horribly untrue rumors around town to the point where it has begun to affect my job. I work in a manual labor job, and considering that’s all there really is to do here, I’m stuck with it. On top of that, she has begun to forbid my fiancé (her brother) from seeing his niece and nephew despite his niece’s frequent requests to see us. She is generally an all around hostile person behind your back, but incredibly nice and fake-smiley to your face. I’m fed up. I’m debating whether to pack my bags and take off or smile and bear it. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Fed Up in a Small Town

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Dear Fed Up,

Well, your future sister-in-law sounds like a real peach. And by peach, I mean rhymes-with-witch. And by rhymes-with-witch I mean C U Next Tuesday. What’s up with this chick? And why did your fiancé make you move to this teeny tiny town where his beyotch of a sister spreads her evil all over town? I’ll get back to him in a minute…

First, let’s deal with the rumor-mongering. You can’t control what the sister-in-law-to-be tells other people, but you can prove her wrong. You say that the rumors are affecting your job. I’m not sure what you mean by that exactly, but I’m assuming that co-workers are believing her poison, and treating you differently. I say kill them with kindness. Bring treats for everyone to share in the break room (or your workplace’s equivalent). Offer to do an extra shift for someone, or trade shifts if someone needs it. Compliment another woman’s outfit. Make an effort to get to know people, and to let them really get to know you.

Now, back to your fiancé, where does he stand in all of this? It’s hard to tell from your note if he even cares that his sister is keeping her kids from seeing their uncle. If he is upset by it, is he doing anything to deal with it? Honestly, he brought you to this far-away place, he should be doing everything he can to make you feel at home and welcome. What is the point of being near his family if his family is treating you both like crap? I think your first step is having a serious sit-down with the fiancé, where you tell him how unhappy you are with this situation. Maybe there’s a compromise, where you could move a couple of hours away, so his family is still driving distance away, but you don’t have to be in each other’s daily lives. For the most part, when it comes to problems with in-laws, I firmly believe that if it’s your mother/sister/brother causing the problem, then you need to be the one to stand up for your spouse, so  tell your guy to man up!

If you’re really feeling ballsy, you could call the sister up and attempt to declare a truce. Let her know that you don’t need to like each other, but for the family’s sake, you’d like to try and make it work. Maybe do it on speaker phone from the break room at work.

Good luck,

Karen, TMH

My 10 year daughter is best friends with a girl whose mother’s parenting style is very different from mine.  She allows her daughter to watch PG-13 movies and to wear clothing that I consider inappropriate. Last summer my daughter asked for a bikini like the one her friend wears instead of a one-piece that I bought for her.  I explained that different families have different rules, but I wonder if I should speak to the mom.  We are on friendly terms, and I wonder if sharing my concerns with her would make her rethink some of her choices.

Signed,

NoBikini Mom

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Dear NoBikini Mom,

Before I get to the larger issue, I want cross the easy part of this off my list.

One piece bathing suits (scientific name maillot) can be uncomfortable. What they offer in modesty they make up in sheer wetness all over the stomach area once you’re out of the pool. That does not mean that your daughter needs to wear a thong bikini, but you should know that there are a lot of age-appropriate options out there. 

Now onto the bigger issue. You know that your parenting style is different from the other mom’s. Your daughters are best friends despite (or maybe because?) of these differences. You took the important step of telling your daughter honestly that each family’s rules are different and now you are wondering if you should share your views with the other mom.  And here’s my answer.  Yes. And also, no.

Yes, because you are friendly and people who are on friendly terms and whose children are best friends should discuss issues that concern their children. Sharing ideas is important and can be eye-opening for each of you.

No, because you seem to want to win her over to your way of thinking. If your goal in having this discussion with her is to have her fall to her knees and start repenting for parenting her kid in way that is inconsistent with your philosophy, I suggest you refrain. (Or if you choose to proceed, give Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise a heads up. They need 24 hours to get the camera crews ready.)  Because the judgey talk of “my way is better than your way” has never improved a relationship.

Chances are the other mom already knows how you feel about the various issues, and perhaps she is taking the Agree to Disagree route on this one.

And when it comes to parenting our kids, there is nothing wrong with that.

Best of luck,

Marinka, TMH

My husband decided he didn’t want to be active in Church any more in 2007. Then he decided he wanted to move and go to school. He had lots of reasons and so he signed up for school and went off while I stayed at our house for 2 months and fixed it up to sell. While he was at school he met this woman who was single with grown kids and living off her retirement.

He started doing things with this woman especially if I was out of the house. Soon every time I was gone, when I came home she was there. He started inviting her over all the time. We started going on vacations with her. But she was just his best friend. He started telling me all about her life and what she loved and what she was interested in. One time he was really drunk and was telling me how much he loved her.

After some family trouble, she had to move east and my husband fell into a deep depression. He became combative and uncommunicative.  Then, one day, he called to tell me they were moving in with us. Eventually, the son left, but she is still here, living with us. She doesn’t pay us a thing and she doesn’t do anything but a few dishes once in a while. He buys her food and computers and anything else she talks about. Now she is taking trips all over the country and the world. When I told him I didn’t like paying for everything for her so she could take trips around the world he told me I was selfish and he enjoyed making her life better for her.

She has started telling me I’m doing stuff wrong. I told him about it and he said it was my fault because I act like I want to be disciplined. He told me the other day that he didn’t want me making him breakfast any more because he wanted to have to go into the kitchen when she does so he can visit with her.

I am so embarrassed I have let this happen and I am so devastated. He is very good to me and he acts like he loves me but then he does stuff like this. I don’t know what to do! If I leave will it be the wrong thing? Am I being selfish?

Signed,

Living With the Enemy

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Dear Living With the Enemy,

Holy COW, did you hear that noise? That was the world’s loudest and longest record screech, and I think it started right around the time you mentioned how he met this woman while “away” at “school.” And, in fact, I’m not sure it hasn’t stopped screeching. (BRB, getting earplugs.)

My advice for you here is going to be clear, direct, and swift: LEAVE. You need to leave him. You need to leave HER. You need to leave this situation, like, yesterday.

Now, I’m a little worried that you may read this and think, “but…” and so I’m going to repeat myself a bit just so you understand.

You need to leave even if the following things occur:

1. He says he loves you.
2. She says she loves you.
3. You are still breathing.
4. It’s the middle of the day.
5. It’s the middle of the night.
6. He apologizes.
7. She apologizes.
8. She leaves.
9. He leaves.
10. John Boehner looks tan.

L-E-A-V-E. Leave, leave, leave. Leave? LEAVE.

Love will make us to crazy things, woman, and as crazy as this situation has become, I’m sure you are not alone. Certain, even. And my heart breaks for you that you’re hurting and embarrassed. What your husband has done is not okay, and it’s certainly not your fault. You are not being selfish. You are not crazy. You are maybe feeling a little desperate, lonely, and afraid, but this is something from which you can recover. You have no power over your husband’s choices…only your own. You simply need to find the courage, confidence, and dignity to walk away from this man and never look back. Find a friend or therapist in whom to confide, gather some momentum and flee, girl.

Run like the wind,

Kristine, TMH

I’ve turned over a new leaf and have been going to the gym, eating well, and generally adopting a healthy lifestyle. Recently, I thought I’d try a new class at the gym: boot camp. The problem is that the instructor is GORGEOUS! I think I’ll be too intimidated, or at least distracted, to get through a class. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I need some advice!

Signed,

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Dear Blushing,

Wow! You had me at “new leaf ” and “healthy lifestyle”, then you lost me at “boot camp” and then you got me back at “extremely good looking.”   I’m a wreck from riding that emotional roller coaster. But enough about me (for now).

Let’s get the preliminaries out of the way, and congratulate you for your commitment to healthy living. That’s fantastic and I’ve heard experts on TV say that it’s apparently good for you or something. So, good for you! Or something.

But sorry about the gorgeous instructor.  Sometimes I think that really attractive people have no idea how annoying their good looks are to the rest of us.

Fortunately for you, I was also a boot camp cadet, so this advice comes with the wisdom borne of experience.  So hear me when I share this nugget with you:

It does not matter what your instructor looks like, because the only part you will be seeing are his boots, while you’re doing pushups, running around with a tire or digging your own grave.

I was in a three week tour of duty with my boot camp and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t identify my sergeant in a line up.  I know he yelled a lot and I wished things that I was pretty sure violated the Geneva Convention on him, but that’s where things ended.  Because when someone responds to your adorable suggestion “what say we invade Gucci and get our hands on some of those purses?!” with a  “twenty sit-ups” the details of their facial features tend to blur.

So, stick with the class. Get into fighting shape. And don’t hold Adonis’ DNA against him.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

Am I crazy or is this inappropriate behavior? We visit my mother-in-law at an ocean-side community where she spends her summers. We have 3 kids, ages 9, 7, and 3. Her camper is not in any way child proofed. She feels the children should just not touch things. This is a woman who once set her table with beautiful china for a special occasion and put a china place setting where my then-2-year old was sitting.

The kids (being kids) are curious about everything in her camper.  But all they hear is “Don’t touch. Don’t put your feet on the couch. Don’t play with that.” Since we’ve had kids old enough to walk, visits have been uncomfortable as we have such extreme differences in parenting. Luckily, my husband and I are on the same page. And we have great kids (polite and well-behaved) who on occasion, make noise and touch things.

Most visits end up with me walking the kids in the yard while she asks my husband to fix her computer. Last night after supper she pulled out her last will and testament and asked my husband to read it over carefully in case he had questions. Read it over carefully? In a small enclosed space with 3 kids, 2 cats and a dog? Huh? Is there not a better, more appropriate time for such a thing? If my husband says anything, her standard response is, “I’m sorry I’m so awful and that your childhood was so terrible.”

During the school year she is 4 hours away and we do not visit, but now she is spending summers less than 45 minutes from our house and expects us to visit often. I know she is a lonely old lady who loves her grandchildren, but what can we do to make visits easier and less stressful for everyone?

Signed,

I’d Rather Take My Kids to a China Shop Than My Mother-in-Law’s

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Dear I’d Rather Take My Kids to a China Shop,

I was thinking about your problem while my 2-year-old twins sipped apple juice from their Tiffany English fine bone china flora teacups. And frankly, the situation sounds miserable.

Relationships with in-laws can get complicated. You mention that you and your husband are on the same page but isn’t it time for him to stand up to his mother? I understand she’s old and means well but what exactly does she expect your kids to do at her house? Play mah jongg?! (Although I think that’s what Marinka’s kids do.)

I’ve noticed that as people get older, they sort of forget what children are like. Who can blame them? They are probably blocking out some traumatic event like the time their toddler pooped in her pants during the middle of dinner at a restaurant and they had no spare clothes. (This may or may not have happened to me in the past week.)

But your husband needs to refresh your mother-in-law’s memory because children – even well behaved ones – need some leeway.  He should say to him mom, “We love you and we enjoy seeing you but it’s unrealistic to expect young kids to sit in your camper and not touch anything. So until they are a little older, why don’t we meet at a playground or at the beach so they can run around while we visit together.” Or maybe you can take her out to dinner when you visit. Anything to avoid that camper!

If she’s not able to get around, then bring a bag of stuff for the kids to do (drawing, board games, books, etc) and then grab ice cream for them afterwards for suffering through another visit to grandma’s where the only thing they are apparently allowed to do is look at her adoringly.

Remember – you are not required to visit her constantly and if she has any documents for your husband to look over, he should take them home and do it there.

Good luck and remember the summer usually flies by!

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

That’s right. We’re offering to name your child, Kelcey! (Sorry, probably should’ve told you to sit down first, as we’re sure you’re overcome with gratitude for such wonderful friends.) Creating an algorithm we remember from our stripper days, and pulling from some of Kelcey’s favorite things, this is what we have created:

We’re taking a name from the cast of Friday Night Lights, adding the name of our favorite candy, and VOILA! So here are our respective offerings.

Kristine: Riggins Zagnut

If this isn’t the most refined name for a baby boy you’ve ever heard, then you must hang out with some really fancy people. Take this gift, Kelcey, and run with it. Your son is going to really make a name for himself in this world. All thanks to me. (Well, and you, I guess…and your husband, if you want to get graphic about it.)

Marinka: Buddy Kit Kat

You’re welcome.  And so is your baby boy, Buddy.  I can see him in high school now– The Budster! The ladies love the Kit Kat! I’ll start monogramming that pillow now.

Karen: Saracen Heath

People use last names as first names all the time now. It’s super-cool. With this name your boy will have good looks, good sense, and the ability to put up with the most annoying girlfriend ever. Plus, he will have a crunchy toffee center.

Wendi: Coach Taylor Twizzler

The beauty of this name is that even if your new baby is a complete disaster at every sport, it won’t matter because his very name will guarantee he gets on the team! Baby Coach! And, if he desires, the Coach name will later get him a job in purse design. Score! Plus with a name like Twizzler, he’s probably going to be really skinny and really good at yoga and light up when he dresses in all red.

Be sure to wish Kelcey the best and use the algorithm to leave your gift in the comments below!

Happy Baby, Kelcey!

I recently bought my first house and my sister is throwing me a housewarming party to celebrate. I announced the date two months ago.  I invited about ten good friends plus their significant others. And a few co-workers. Most of them RSVP’ed but now almost everyone has canceled.

Out of 20+ people who had planned on coming, there is only going to be 4 people for sure. Even my best friend cancelled because her husband “was feeling eh about the 2 hr drive.” (Umm.. You can’t drive yourself?) It seems as though most people have made an excuse not to come even though my sister planned it two months in advance. I did move 2 hours away from some of my friends but I still make an effort to drive to see them. I should also mention that I bought my house in January and only a few friends have been over to see it.

My sister is expecting a food count of 20+ people and I had to inform her today (4 days before the party) that probably only 4 people are going to show up. I feel humiliated and pissed off! I thought I had better friends than this.

Signed,

Lois and Her Lame Friends

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Dear Lois,

Let’s see. If you have 20 friends who RSVP’d to a party planned 2 months in advance and only 4 are planning to show up but they have to drive 2 hours each way to get there, and you multiply by the square root of π, then how many friends will actually show up?

I think the answer might be 2. Or maybe the answer is – you need some perspective on this.

It doesn’t really matter how far in advance you plan a party, people will cancel. It’s the human nature of, “Oh my gosh, I’m so tired from work and my kids and getting to the gym and walking the dog and cleaning the bathroom and I just want to stay home and watch TV.” I have friends who don’t want to drive an extra 6 minutes to a dinner in the next town over. So it comes as no surprise that your friends don’t want to drive FOUR hours round trip for a housewarming party. That is a lot of driving.  And I’m guessing it has very little to do with their desire to see you.

You have to remember that you moved away and yes, I’m sure a couple close friends will come out to see you and your new house. I know you are disappointed but you really have to try to not take it personally that people aren’t going to be banging down your door to check out your new abode.

I would cancel the party and plan a brunch at the half way point between you and your friends. Your treat. You can show them lots of photos of your new place.  The important thing here is to stay connected to people who mean a lot to you.

Good Luck,

Kelcey

I live with my boyfriend, work for my boyfriend’s company which is run out of our house, and I am so sick of my life. I feel so bored, and unhappy with myself. What do I do?

Signed,

If You Can Die of Boredom, My Life is in Danger

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Dear If You Can Die of Boredom,

Just reading your question made me sick of your boyfriend and I’ve never even met the guy. He’s probably a charming chap. But seriously, when do you get a break from him? You work together all day, you probably hang out together at night and then you sleep in the same bed. Ugh. When do you get a chance to miss him?

So first off, you’ve got to get some breathing space. It’s like you’re a hostage for gosh sakes and there aren’t a lot of happy hostages. Go find a hobby, get drinks with some girlfriends or start exercising. Then you can delight your boyfriend with some funny stories about your time away – like how someone got kicked out of your yoga class for farting too much.  That is the kind of priceless shit that keeps a relationship alive.

Second, what do you want to do with your life? I’m getting the feeling that whatever you do for your boyfriend job-wise is not your passion. What are your dreams? Once you figure that out, you can get started on your next moves… whether that means looking for a new job, going back to school or whatever. Even taking a few steps in that direction will make you feel so much better. And don’t let your boyfriend guilt you into working for him forever. If he’s the real deal, he will want you to fulfill your own dreams, not his.

We all go through phases of unhappiness where we don’t feel quite satisfied.  This is normal. But you can either choose to be unhappy or take charge and change your life. And this is the time to do it because once you are married, with 4 kids and a mortgage, it’s much harder to make epic changes to your life. (Trust me on this.) So stop reading and go seize the day!

Good Luck,

Kelcey, TMH

I had confided in my friend a few months ago and it’s pretty obvious that she shared what I told her with her husband. I feel hurt and betrayed and embarrassed and like my friendship with her is over.

Is it worth trying to repair it or do you think once the trust is gone, it’s gone forever?

Signed,

Don’t Blab

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Dear Don’t Blab,

Oh, friends and their husbands, don’t get me started.

I once had a friend who told me that she had a  ”no secrets” policy with her spouse, which apparently meant that she told him every bit of information she had gathered throughout the day. I was confused by such a thing, but also took it as a fair warning that if I were talking to her, he would eventually get the information. I hope you can appreciate  how difficult it was for me to plan his surprise party.

But I appreciated her letting me know. Because if my confidence was going to be shared with Mr. Friend, I had the right to decide what I talked to her about. And it definitely tempered our discussions to topics like weather, kids today, and those bozos in D.C.

Your situation is obviously different because you had no idea that you would be betrayed. Which is pretty much the worst kind of surprise there is. But before we cross-stitch a scarlet B for Blabbermouth on your friend’s spring tunic, you need to make sure that she did, in fact, tell her husband. Is it possible that she did not? Is it possible that he knows this information from another source (it’s not too late to suspect other friends!) Or maybe he doesn’t know the confidence at all, but was alluding to something else entirely?

Either way, talk to your friend.  Explain what your expectations are and how hurt you would be if she were to share the things you told her with anyone else.

If she did betray your trust, you’ll have to decide if your friendship can survive it; and if it can, whether it will change how much you share with her.

But give her a chance.  Making new friends is so time consuming.  Maybe she did nothing wrong. Maybe she will change her ways. Maybe she’ll have some great gossip about someone else to distract you with.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

My children have a paid carpool to school in the morning and travel by bus back home in the afternoon. They are 11 and 19. They travel with a neighbor just around the corner from my home. My kids have now been complaining for a while about this women using foul language on them and telling them that they are “F-ed up.” I really want to approach her and give her a bit of my mind as she has issues and is now taking it out on my kids. What should I do?

Signed,

Everybody Out of the Car Pool

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Dear Everybody Out of the Car Pool,

So let me get this straight. Someone you’re paying with your money is telling your kids that they’re “f-ed up” and you’re wondering what to do? You’re obviously not from the Mouthy Housewife states of Texas or New York, my friend. Oh, no no no no no. If you were, you’d be asking us for bail money instead of asking us for advice. But luckily, we can still help you out because it is our duty as unpaid Internets writers.

Now listen closely: the next time your neighbor comes to pick up your kids, I want you to follow these instructions to the letter:

1. Slowly remove your earrings and hand them to your children while staring intensely at the carpool driver.

2. Repeat above, but with any and all hair extensions. Say something menacing like, “Hold momma’s wig for me, baby, I’s got work ta do” if you like.

3. Take your right hand and curl in all of your fingers until you form a nice, hard fist. (Note: Be sure you’re wearing every fake diamond ring you own.)

4. Now politely ask the driver to get out of the car. Perhaps in the genteel NYPD style. Example: GET YOUR MOTHAFOKKIN ASS OUT OF THE MOTHAFOKKIN CAR BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU, YOU MOTHAFOKKIN UNDERWEAR STAIN. Then roll your neck and snort a few times.

5. Take that asshole all the way down to Chinatown.

If you don’t know what that last step means, well, then you’re either a nun or someone who skips around a daisy field singing country songs all day. But if you do understand it, then there’s no reason why you should let your children be treated that way by anyone ever. And I do mean ever. There’s really no confrontation needed, just get busy and find another way to get them to school.

And if you don’t, then that’s really f-ed up.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH