Dear Mouthy Housewives readers,

I love when summer finally rolls around. Because I adore warm weather. Throw me in the Sahara desert with a fleece jacket and some wool slippers and I am in heaven.

But here’s the issue. My husband has some kind of weird condition where he likes to be cool. So as soon as the temperature outside goes above 70, he cranks the air conditioning. And I am forced to endure cold, windy drafts and frostbite. (Well, I haven’t gotten frostbite yet but it’s really a matter of time, people.)

I don’t want to spend another summer freezing in my own home. Do we need some kind of marriage counselor with a specialty in meteorology?

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,

Here is my dilemma.

My mother is in her 60s and she has a friend who’s in his kazillions.  But that’s not the dilemma.

The problem is that this friend is very active on Facebook and my mother does not use the computer at all.  Let me repeat that again, slowly, so that you can digest it: My mother does not use the computer. At all. Like she has never been online. She doesn’t know what Facebook is.  How is this my (and by extension your) problem?

Well, my mother and her friend have solved their technological incompatibility by asking me to print his inane ramblings off Facebook and hand deliver them to my mother.

Yes, you read that correctly.  I have been asked to print crap from Facebook and bring it to my mother so that she can read it and catch up with her friend.  And I was so stunned by the inanity of it all that I agreed to do it.

I’ll wait until you stop laughing.

Fine, I’ll go get a snack while you calm down.

That was some delicious soufflé.

The problem is that I seem to have lost the will to live.  Whenever I see that my mother’s friend posted something, my heart sinks, a bit lower each time. The way things are going, I’m worried that my heart will get lodged in my thigh soon.

So what do I do?

Tell my mother to find a new sucker or learn the internets or suck it up and print an occasional update for the woman who gave me life and doesn’t ask all that much from me?

Signed,

Marinka, Do Not Like

***

Yesterday, we announced the kickoff to our Birthday Week, here at The Mouthy Housewives! As is tradition, we use this week to turn the tables on you, dear, wise readers, in the hopes that you can help us with some of our problems. This not only relieves our stress, but frees up some time for extra margaritas and wine spritzers!

Today, Kristine is calling for a little help from her friends…

Dear Mouthy Housewife Readers,

I’m kind of bad with managing my time. Since I, my husband, and our two boys moved from New York to Texas last year, I’ve found it difficult to get as much done during the day as I used to. I’ve tried making lists, and organizing my week, but without fail, I always find myself planted in front of a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon, or shopping for overpriced bohemian garb at Anthropologie.com.

What do you think? Any tips?

Signed,

Kristine, TMH

We’re celebrating our big milestone by swilling champagne, gobbling chocolate and licking pictures of Channing Tatum in our Mouthy Mansion all week, and that’s why we need your help. As you know, all year long, we four gorgeous martyrs answer every single one of your questions. Happily, we may add. Even the dog poop and naked model with a stiffy ones. But our birthday is the one week a year when we ask YOU to help US with our issues. Yep, we have problems, too, friends. Even stunning geniuses have flaws. Just ask poor, troubled Giselle Budchen. Bikinis can chafe.

But because we love all of you, our readers, we know that you’re up to the task. So just do what we do: carefully read the question, sniff some glue and/or bath salts, then put on your thinking Spanx and give us your best answers to our problems. Isn’t that so much easier than buying us all a present? Thank you!

First up: Wendi

Dear Mouthy Housewives’ Readers,

I absolutely hate cooking dinner. HATE IT. I’m a terrible cook and just not interested in improving. I’d be perfectly happy having cottage cheese and fruit for dinner every night if I lived alone. Maybe popcorn if I was feeling festive.

The problem is, I don’t live alone. I live with two kids and a husband. And did you know that kids need to be fed THREE TIMES A DAY?

Anyway, I can usually figure out something they’ll eat, but then my husband doesn’t like it. (He’s very, very healthy and often goes on various regimines where he won’t eat carbs, etc.) Or I make something he likes and the kids hate it. I don’t want to cook something different for everyone, nor am I that interested in delving into cookbooks and trolling Whole Foods for the perfect recipe to please everyone. But I would like us all to eat together at least a couple of nights a week.

My husband is probably okay with just making his own food, but he also works all day and it’d be nice if I could at least make a couple of meals for the family. Any suggestions? Signed,

Wendi, TMH

Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.

Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.

Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.

Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.

TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.

Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.

Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.

Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?

Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.

Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.

Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.

Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.

Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.

Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.

Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.

Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.

Ellen, Love That Max:  Life is hectic, powered by love.

Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?

Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.

Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers

Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.

Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?

Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.

Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.

Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.

Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.

Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!

Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.

Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.

Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!

I am 22 years old and have been massaging for 3 years. Yesterday, I had a young man set up an appointment for a massage and I interviewed him prior to the session. He was 18 years old and was so nervous that he could barely have a conversation.

Apparently, he was from a small town that only had 37 people in it. Basically, he was very socially inexperienced and being in a big city for only 9 days he was still culture shocked. Anyway, I told him to undress completely or leave his underwear on and climb under the sheets. Well, he chose to completely undress and I began to perform a Swedish massage.

I asked if he wanted the glutes done and he said yes, but I was extra careful to be respectful of his privacy. Long story short, when he lay down on his back and I began on his thighs he immediately became erect! His thingy was twitching uncontrollably all over the place, so I applied more pressure and conveniently moved down to below the knee.

When I did the next leg, the same thing. As I’m staring at his ankles, I look back up and see his bright red face and his whole chest covered in semen. I was a bit shocked. He got up, left some money and went quickly. My partner said he must have masturbated after I left, because it is impossible to ejaculate without touch. Now, I can understand an 18 year old boy, that hasn’t had much female contact, getting an erection, but ejaculating and the amount, I just don’t know. I just feel a bit dirty.  Can you offer me some advice for future occurrences and is it possible?

Signed,

Mary the Masseuse

________________________________________
Dear There’s Something About Mary,

Before I get into the nitty gritty, let me get something straight. You say this gentleman was from a town of 37 people– does that mean that once he left there were only 36? Or were there 38 to start with and there are now only 37? Things like that always puzzle me.

As do underwearless massages. You know, for people who are not appearing on The Client List, Lifetime’s fun new “drama” about a woman who becomes a massage therapist with benefits, and I don’t mean health insurance.

Assuming that your question is legitimate (and I’m making the leap here because I had to edit some of the language in our question to make it less pornorific), I would suggest that you ask your clients to keep their underwear on in the future. As to whether a man can ejaculate without any hands-on-penis action, I am going to say yes, with a caveat that I am neither a sex therapist nor do I play one on TV, and that the answer may actually be no. (I am also confused when you say that he must have masturbated after you left, since your email states that you were massaging his ankles at the time of the semencident.)

Nevertheless, if you feel uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to see him again. Discuss the protocol with your partner. Let clients know that their underwear needs to be kept on. I would also recommend that you seek out further guidance from the American Massage Therapy Association.

Good luck to you,

Marinka, TMH

My sister, who is 45 and single, has developed a relationship with my 87-year-old mother-in-law that does not include me. She will drive to my MIL’s, go out to dinner and sleep over. She has also recently started to have my MIL over to her apartment for a couple of nights. My husband also thinks this is odd.

I am married and have two children, one of whom is disabled and I am also in nursing school full time. I can’t devote the amount of time to my mother-in-law that my sister does. My sister and I don’t have the best relationship. It’s okay, but not really close, so when I am mad at her, and I hear that she is at my mother-in-law’s, it kind of drives me nuts. I feel like she is overstepping her boundaries. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Signed,

Hands Off My Mother-In-Law

_____________________________

Dear Hands Off,

Well, here’s an interesting twist on the ol’ Mother-In-Law issue!  She’s not mean or snoopy. She doesn’t poop while holding your baby. She doesn’t smell. She’s just hanging out with your sister. Is it wrong that I’ve already cast the movie version of this? “Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz are the sassiest, bustiest twosome you’ve ever seen! And they’re hittin’ the streets this summer in The Mother In Law/Sister Boogaloo in 3-D! Don’t miss this one! Soundtrack by Snoop Dogg.”

OK, well now we know why I no longer work in Hollywood.

But I really fail to see what the problem is with these two forming a friendship. You’re too busy to spend much time with the MIL, so I would think you’d be happy that someone is watching out for her. (Gotta keep an eye on those older ladies or they’ll blow their life savings at the Bingo parlor, you know.) I suspect that both women are a little lonely, so it seems wonderful to me that they found each other and enjoy the same things. My younger sister was a great friend to my mother-in-law before she passed away and I loved that they had that special relationship.

You didn’t say anything about them gossiping about you or joining forces against you, but is that something you’re worried about? Or is it that you’re simply a little jealous and feel left out? Both the MIL and sister dynamic are fraught with issues and emotional landmines, so I think it’s normal to feel a bit weird about it all. But I’m sure if you ever wanted to join them for dinner or movie night, they’d be happy to have your company. Try it.

Friendship and family can take all shapes and forms, and it’s admirable that your sister opts to spend time with an 87-year-old. Maybe she’s getting some mothering from her or maybe she feels useful by giving her time. Whatever the reason, I say just let them have their fun.

Just not at the Bingo parlor.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

I’m not really sure if you give this type of advice but I was wondering if there are any negatives from abstaining from masturbating? I do it five to six times a day and I would like to maybe give it up for the year?

Signed,

It’s a Hobby!

___________________________________________

Dear It’s a Hobby,

Welcome to the Mouthy Housewives! You must be new here because if you weren’t, you’d know we’ve answered that question a million times. “Are there any negatives to abstaining from masturbating” is right up there in popularity with “my mother-in-law is driving me crazy” and “Facebook etiquette.”

So is there a downside to no longer masturbating five or six times a day? I can’t think of any negatives but I can think of a few positives like you’d have time for a job and wouldn’t have to buy as much lotion.

Although I’m not sure I’d advocate going cold turkey for a whole year. Maybe just try cutting back a bit. Perhaps it’s time to put down the porn and get outside. I know lots of people are addicted to exercise. I haven’t yet figured out how to acquire this addiction but it seems like a good one. So get out and start running, biking or hiking. And if this masturbation issue is really concerning you, you might also want to seek the advice of a therapist.

But wait, are you a 16-year-old boy? Then sorry, you’re totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Go about your business and someday you’ll outgrow this.

Okay, I’ve gotta run. I need to go explain to my husband why I’ve been googling, “How To Stop a Masturbation Addiction.”

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

My neighbors have three large (100 lbs) dogs that constantly run and jump on our shared fence when we go outside. This incessant jumping is tearing our old, rotting fence apart and I am terrified that one of the dogs (or the whole pack) is going to come into our yard and attack someone. I have talked to our neighbor about splitting the cost of a new fence (though we do not have any animals) and she agreed but now alternates between avoiding us or telling us she needs another month or so.

I recently noticed ANOTHER dog has been added to her pack. How do I get my neighbor to be responsible for her pets and other people’s safety without shelling out for the fence myself?

Also, I talked to our Home Owner’s Association and they said our best bet is to call Animal Control – but the dogs haven’t broken through the fence YET. Do I have to wait until they do so to take some action?

Signed,

Sick of the Doggone Neighbors

_______________________

Dear Sick of the Doggone Neighbors,

I thought there was an adage that went something like, “If you want something to get done, do it yourself,” but Google didn’t seem to think so. Maybe I just made it up. Or maybe that’s just what my husband says to me when I hand him his Honey Do list.

Regardless, I think the answer here is pretty clear: fix the damn fence yourself. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to go out there with hammers and nails, but you should hire someone, bribe someone, or otherwise make this magic happen. If your neighbor is giving you the runaround, he or she either really doesn’t have the money or otherwise does not think of the fence as a priority. The fact that it is YOUR top priority will not change your neighbor’s mind. I don’t know if there is a legal route for you to take, but even if there were, the process would be lengthier and more costly than a fence, I’d wager.

The alternative is to continue this game of doggie roulette every time you and your family are in the backyard, and that sounds about as fun as playing hide-and-seek with some grizzly bears. And if you need visual encouragement, just imagine what would have happened here if THIS fence were not properly tended to:

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH

…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking.  That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.

And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:

– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.

– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.

– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!

–Put me down!  Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!

– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!

– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?

– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?

–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!

–You’re so lucky, they said.  Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.

–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”

– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah

– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!

– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.

–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?

– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!

– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.

– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!

– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.

– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.

– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.

– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.

– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?

– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.

– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

–  This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.

– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!

–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.