07 Sep
The Bagel Wars

Today we are beyond excited to welcome Guest Mouthy Housewife Jennifer Mendelsohn! Jennifer is a mom of two boys who’s had a long career as a freelance journalist and celebrity ghostwriter, including four years as a People magazine correspondent. (Man, do we wish we’d known her back then so we could have got the inside scoop on Tom Cruise.) Anyway, please be sure to take a look at Jen’s wonderful blog and definitely follow her on Twitter at @CleverTitleTK where she never fails to entertain. Thank you, Jennifer!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband claims that when my bagel is done toasting in the toaster oven, I should just let the timer run out so I don’t wear the timer down by forcing it to the off position. I think leaving the toaster on and letting the timer run out is a fire hazard. Who’s right and how do I convince my husband that I am?

Signed,

Bagel Betty

_____________________________________________

Dear Betty,

The folks at Mouthy Housewives are nothing if they’re not serious about a distressing crisis like this one. According to the Pew Institute for Marriage and Family, disputes over toasters account for a shocking 62 percent of American divorces.

(I totally made that up.)

But seriously. Let’s say for argument’s sake that by treating your toaster timer in such a brutally careless manner and “forcing” it to off, you might shave a full ten seconds off its lifespan. Do that twice a week, for a year, and your toaster could die SEVENTEEN MINUTES SOONER than it would otherwise, requiring you to spend a WHOLE OTHER TWENTY DOLLARS ON A NEW ONE.

And while it’s still pretty much in the realm of things-that-can-actually-happen-but are-very-very unlikely (see: plane crashes, winning lottery), there can potentially be a risk of fire from leaving things in plugged-in toasters. I googled it consulted several eminent scientific and safety authorities. So leave that bagel in there, set your house on fire, and you could potentially have to spend SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS on a new one. Plus lose all your wedding pictures and peep toe pumps.

So all things considered, advantage: you. By like the teeniest smidge of a smidge of an entirely hypothetical smidge. (That’s a technical term, mind you.)

But in the interest of protecting domestic harmony, and since splitting the toaster down the middle, Solomon-style, is out of the question, we propose this: half the week, live dangerously and do it his way, and half the week, be prudent and do it yours. Because marriage is all about compromise, you hear? If nothing else, you’ll have a charming slice of life piece (“My Toaster Saved My Marriage”) you can send in to Reader’s Digest.   See? Everybody wins!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

6 Responses to “The Bagel Wars”

09.07.10#1

Comment by Kelcey.

Maybe in order to save their marriage, they should just microwave everything.

09.07.10#2

Comment by AnnieD.

Couldn’t you just set the timer for less time so that when your bagel is done, the timer is also done?

09.07.10#3

Comment by vodka tonic.

I once got divorced over the mispronunciation of “Leonard Bernstein.” So I can understand.

09.07.10#4

Comment by dusty earth mother.

If this is the biggest problem in your marriage, you’ve got a sweet deal going on. Having said that, I love Jennifer’s response and AnnieD’s is so simple, it’s staggering.

09.07.10#5

Comment by annie.

We have a toaster with a “cancel” button so you can pop early is that’s what makes you happy. I highly recommend it!

09.07.10#6

Comment by Grenade.

Or just stop buying bagels since they make our husbands fat.

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