17 Feb
Oh, No! My Ex-Wife Just Moved Into Cougar Town!

Our Week of Men here at the Mouthy Housewives is coming to an end today and we have to say, despite all of the dirty socks and underwear on the floor, it’s been a total blast! (But, oh my GOD, you men, the toilet seat GOES DOWN, okay?! DOWN.)

Anyway, today we’re super thrilled to welcome one of the best Dad Bloggers around, Doug French of Laid Off Dad! Woohoo! Doug is hilarious, kind, thoughtful and so, so smart. Seriously smart. In fact, he kicks my ass at Words with Friends so badly that I now refuse to play it with him anymore. Doug is also a Babble Voices writer with his column The Turbid Spume and is spearheading the very exciting Dad 2.0 Summit that will have its inaugural year this March 8-10  in Austin, TX.  And he also wrote this tweet about his son that has to be one of my very favorite tweets ever:

@LOD “I want to make as many fart sounds on my arm until I grow hair on it and I can’t do it anymore.” Gather ye rosebuds, my son.

Thanks, Doug! We’re honored to have you here today.  — Wendi

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My ex-wife is dating a man who can only be described as “arm candy.” He’s 10 years younger than she is and works at a coffee shop. I know I shouldn’t care what she does, but it’s kind of humiliating to me. Also, a lot of our mutual friends have been calling her a “Cougar” and laughing about it. Should I say something to her? Do I have any right? Or should I just let it run its course?

Signed,

My Ex is Embarrassing Me

_________________________

Dear MXIEM:

Most of my advice relies on how old you are. If you’re nearing retirement, and your wife’s new beau is a 50-year-old barista, you should pick a fight with him. Because a 50-year-old barista clearly has no ambition and will likely acquiesce quicker than C-3PO at a GWAR concert.

Also, it would be hilarious. You could grab him by his little apron, and rough up each other’s comb-overs. Plus, coffee shops are filled with things that are scalding-hot, and/or sharp-edged, and/or fragile, and/or precariously stacked. The potential comic mayhem would undoubtedly delight the patrons, who will look up from the terrible novels they’re writing and Instagram the shit out of it.

If you’re around 40, however, and your replacement is some college-age kid, that’s a bigger matzoh ball to swallow. Your ex is likely crowing about how much better the sex is, how he goes on and on and up and over and through, and likes to snuggle afterward.

Relax. This is theater, and it’s likely not as great as she wants you to believe.

This new guy may be a furious ball of sexual energy, but he’s so addled with his youthful, lusty imperatives that he couldn’t find a clitoris if his life depended on it. Also: my ex-BIL worked in a Caribou Coffee for a while, and within his first month the stink of coffee had penetrated his molecules. He washed his body and clothes enough times to make Lady MacBeth look like a Frenchman, yet he constantly reeked of espresso dust and despair. So your ex likely spends her nights unfulfilled and cuddling up to a rancid caramel latte.

If you still can’t bear the thought of your ex-wife with a younger man, you can always do the Guy Thing and have a go at one of his ex-girlfriends. You might have a shot; they all probably left him because they couldn’t stand the constant coffee-reek, so as long as you maintain a normal rate of hygiene (and wax that back hair), you could actually be a step up.

You’ll date for a while, and jealousies will escalate. You’ll send each other DVDs of your vigorous lovemaking, each of you staring smugly at the camera. But then the lust will fade, as it always does. And it will be awkward for a while. With luck, though, you’ll get past all the weirdness and become great friends who laugh about the past and occasionally get together for a lively game of strip canasta.

Hang in there,

Doug

23 Responses to “Oh, No! My Ex-Wife Just Moved Into Cougar Town!”

02.17.12#1

Comment by Brett Minor.

Awesome. I love this guys week. Answer is dead on. Plus, your ex is your EX.

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02.17.12#2

Comment by Tonya.

Love this advice!!!

Also, I’m now inspired to go pick a fight with my local middle aged barista.

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Doug French Reply:

Please do. And Instagram the shit out of it.

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02.17.12#3

Comment by wendi.

“espresso dust and despair”

I finally know what my collarbone tattoo will say!

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Doug French Reply:

Make sure it’s in Latin. Or Chinese pictograms.

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02.17.12#4

Comment by N and Em's mom.

Great advice! Apparently in the letter writer’s fantasy post-divorce life, he would be out with the young hottie and his ex would live a bitter life unable to let the past go. Karma is a bitch!

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Ace Reply:

mmm hmmm! You said it, girl!

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02.17.12#5

Comment by Plano Mom.

Not that I plan on divorcing any time soon, but how nice it would be to have my friends laughing behind my back at me and my amazingly hot boyfriend.

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sisterfunkhaus Reply:

No kidding. I am right there with you on that one.

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02.17.12#6

Comment by Annie.

I’m with Plano Mom – she’s probably enjoying her arm candy too much to care if anyone is commenting. Or maybe she’s simply putting up with her hot young taunt muscled UP all night barista friend to get over you, MXIEM. Poor woman! The things we put ourselves through.

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02.17.12#7

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

Sound like she is having fun to me. Her friends are laughing because they are jealous that they aren’t getting to hop in the sack with a sexy young hottie. Making fun of her is what they do to make themselves feel better.

As for her ex, I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not his business. I understand that it hurts that she has moved on (so to speak). It’s going to hurt for a while. But you have to move on.

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sisterfunkhaus Reply:

*sounds.

Great advice by the way!

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02.17.12#8

Comment by TwoBusy.

The concept of “sending each other DVDs of your vigorous lovemaking” is so intensely disturbing that I’m left with no recourse other than to bow in deference to the fierce majesty of your advicifying genius.

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Plano Mom Reply:

I agree, but you know TwoBusy, you’re pretty bad ass yourself.

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Doug French Reply:

I always try to make my advice age-appropriate. Hence the references to DVDs and canasta, instead of MPEG-4′s and Pictionary.

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Doug French Reply:

Whoa! Striptionary! *lightbulb*

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Lisa Duggan (@motherhoodmag) Reply:

Awesome, Striptionary. Humiliation, punctuated.

02.17.12#9

Comment by Ace.

The letter writer should get over himself and move ON. Don’t pretend like you’re looking out for her best interests and that you’re so concerned about her reputation. It’s none of your business anymore.

My mom sacrificed her happiness for 35 years while she was married to my dad, and when they finally divorced, men were falling all over themselves to get a chance to just sit next to her. She is gorgeous and an amazing woman, so I say GOOD FOR HER that her first boyfriend was 15 years her junior, pretty great-looking, and – most importantly – CHERISHED and adored all the wonderful things I love about my mom, but my dad long ago took for granted.

Seriously, though, ex’s life is none of your business anymore. Hang back and be jealous. Nobody’s laughing at her behind her back. They’re feeling sorry for you that you’re not moving on, too.

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02.17.12#10

Comment by Zchamu.

Glad to hear I’m not the only one getting my ass kicked by Mr Walking Merriam Websters there.

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wendi Reply:

It’s humiliating.

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02.17.12#11

Comment by Marinka.

Note to self: get some eye candy. And not the fun-size kind.

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02.17.12#12

Comment by Meredith L..

Oh, letter writer. Don’t you have anything better to do than stalk your ex-wife, who is your ex-wife FOR A REASON? Like, get a life of your own? You can build model trains, or take a stand-up comedy class (“Don’t you hate it when your super hot ex-wife dates a super-hot younger man?”), or go on J-Date and find yourself a nice Jewish princess to spoil. (I can say that because I am a Jewish princess.)

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09.13.12#13

Comment by Leslie.

Doug, I loved your advice, I found it very witty. Good commenting.

-Leslie

[Reply]

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