Dear Mouthy Housewives,
How do I become more manly? Or at least manly enough for women to stay interested in me? I am, by nature, an extremely shy person. I have also been mugged a couple of times. I am a child of a single mom who did everything better than I did, including anything physical and I am bad with my hands. I stopped playing sports years ago, in high school (I was a persistent benchwarmer), so that isn’t a selling point, either.
How do I attract women?
Not the Alpha Male
Dear Not the Alpha Male,
Oh, dear. This is a tough one. Personally, I like to think that there are a handful of distinct life experiences that fall into the old if-it-does-not-kill-you-it-will-at-least-put-hair-on-your-chest category. Obviously, I avoid them like the plague, as my chest has recently undergone laser hair removal, but that’s neither here nor there. I’d suggest any of the following, or perhaps even a combination of two or three:
1. Juggling chainsaws.
2. Signing up for that new Discovery show, Naked & Afraid.
3. Cuddling with grizzlies in Alaska. (Or, anywhere, for that matter.)
4. Swimming with sharks (that are equipped with LASER BEAMS.)
5. Befriend that Most Interesting Man in the World fella…and steal his identity.
6. Hot coals.
7. Puma essence.
8. Marlboro Reds.
9. Scorpion-infused tequila.
I KNOW, I KNOW. I realize that I sound like my mother, but the truth is that I am fully convinced that any ailment from which you may possibly suffer can be cured with either a few glasses of water or a good therapist. What I’m wondering with you, kind man, is whether you feel that you are somehow stifled and intimidated by the world around you, or if you are simply feeling unaccepting and unaccepted for who you truly are. In either of these situations, a great therapist can help you work through whatever is holding you back. You don’t need to be anything other than yourself to be deserving of love and affection, but you do need to love yourself in order for others to do the same.