08 Aug
The Mouthy Housewives Love Hooters!

It’s well-known that going to Hooters for their wings is like reading Playboy for the articles. In other words: something we ALL do. Ahem. S0 when we Mouthy Housewives saw that the famous “breastaurant” is working to revamp its image with the goal of attracting more female patrons, we immediately called for an emergency Housewife meeting. Certainly we couldn’t just sit on the sidelines while we watched Hooters swirl ’round the economic drain, right? We are nothing if not huge supporters of boobie businesses. Why, just the mere thought of Hooters no longer being a bastion for horny males threw us for a loop!

Where will I go for football games? cried Marinka during our meeting.
How will I find another part-time job? worried Kelcey.
Who will feed my husband when I’ve kicked him out of the house? asked Kristine.
Is it time for Happy Hour? pondered Wendi.

But, in an Herculean effort to sustain the American tradition of cleavage and fried meats, we managed to come up with the following suggestions to help Hooters rebrand itself and attract patrons that don’t necessarily have a penis.

How Hooters Can Attract More Female Customers

1. Change their name to Channing Tatum-ooters.

2. Place a cloistered nun at all tables to stop wandering eyes.

3. Change the menu to include complimentary bra fittings and round-the-clock QVC programming.

4. Hire radical feminists with high ideals and nice racks.

5. Offer free dildo punch cards for frequent customers.

6. Demand that any accentuated breasts must be currently lactating.

7. Put male servers in hot pants and tank tops, then pay them less than what the women servers earn.

8. New appetizer: a hot dog called “The David Beckham”! (Sorry, non-vegan.)

9. Change the slogan to: “Greasy Tits and Oven Mitts”.

10. Offer childcare on premises. While mom dines on delicious Hootertizers, the kids can kick back at MiniHooters. Fun for the whole family!

11. A free box of tampons with every order of chicken strips.

12. Gluten free options like mani’s, pedi’s and blowouts while you wait to be seated.

To the Hooters CEO: our invoice is forthcoming!

11 Responses to “The Mouthy Housewives Love Hooters!”

08.08.12#1

Comment by Avprobeauty.

I find it repulsive that a female co worker went to hooters recently with her son. A female actually buying into the whole subjection of other females disgusts me. And their wings are not that great Ive been there once, its just a lame excuse men use to go there. I guess its better than a strip club tho…. Zzzzzzzzz

08.08.12#2

Comment by Victoria.

Hmmm, I won’t be so offended the next time my boyfriend offers to take me here on Mother’s Day if Hooters would get their act together and follow your advice.

08.08.12#3

Comment by letajoy.

hahahahaha omg ha #5, #7 and #9 should be implemented immediately.

08.08.12#4

Comment by Lib.

I was about to say #6 is my favorite…and then I thought #11 was better…and then my head exploded because every single one is so funny !!

08.08.12#5

Comment by Star Traci.

Excellent suggestions all but Channing Tatum would definitely get me in the door but depending on the hiring, the waiters in hot pants may send me back out!Of course, if Channing Tatum was the one in hot pants… well, let’s just leave that right there.

08.08.12#6

Comment by dusty earth mother.

4. Hire radical feminists with high ideals and nice racks.

This made me shiver with delight.

08.08.12#7

Comment by alaina.

Hooter’s food is nasty, they should start there. Although I would feel inclined to try The David Beckham.

08.08.12#8

Comment by Farrah.

They might be in danger! Twin Peaks is taking over!

08.08.12#9

Comment by Meredith L..

“1. Change their name to Channing Tatum-ooters.”

Like I said at the Advice Wheel during the CAYA party on Saturday: Channing Tatum is the answer to everything. Him and duct tape.

08.08.12#10

Comment by Jen F..

I grew up in Ohio but when I moved to Florida (the birthplace of Hooter-ville), I was shocked to learn that down there it is practically a family restaurant. People would take their kids there on a regular basis, particularly small children because no one seems to care if they are loud and obnoxious because other patrons are too busy staring at boobies.

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