It’s well-known that going to Hooters for their wings is like reading Playboy for the articles. In other words: something we ALL do. Ahem. S0 when we Mouthy Housewives saw that the famous “breastaurant” is working to revamp its image with the goal of attracting more female patrons, we immediately called for an emergency Housewife meeting. Certainly we couldn’t just sit on the sidelines while we watched Hooters swirl ’round the economic drain, right? We are nothing if not huge supporters of boobie businesses. Why, just the mere thought of Hooters no longer being a bastion for horny males threw us for a loop!
Where will I go for football games? cried Marinka during our meeting.
How will I find another part-time job? worried Kelcey.
Who will feed my husband when I’ve kicked him out of the house? asked Kristine.
Is it time for Happy Hour? pondered Wendi.
But, in an Herculean effort to sustain the American tradition of cleavage and fried meats, we managed to come up with the following suggestions to help Hooters rebrand itself and attract patrons that don’t necessarily have a penis.
How Hooters Can Attract More Female Customers
1. Change their name to Channing Tatum-ooters.
2. Place a cloistered nun at all tables to stop wandering eyes.
3. Change the menu to include complimentary bra fittings and round-the-clock QVC programming.
4. Hire radical feminists with high ideals and nice racks.
5. Offer free dildo punch cards for frequent customers.
6. Demand that any accentuated breasts must be currently lactating.
7. Put male servers in hot pants and tank tops, then pay them less than what the women servers earn.
8. New appetizer: a hot dog called “The David Beckham”! (Sorry, non-vegan.)
9. Change the slogan to: “Greasy Tits and Oven Mitts”.
10. Offer childcare on premises. While mom dines on delicious Hootertizers, the kids can kick back at MiniHooters. Fun for the whole family!
11. A free box of tampons with every order of chicken strips.
12. Gluten free options like mani’s, pedi’s and blowouts while you wait to be seated.
To the Hooters CEO: our invoice is forthcoming!