Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Kristine!
It’s time to get down and dirty with another Housewife! So far, we’ve heard the (punishable under Federal Law) secrets of Wendi. Then it was Marinka, and last week Tonya laid it all out on the table.
But nothing will prepare you for Kristine, who turns a youthful 34 on this very day! (Please leave her cupcakes in the comments.)
Name: Kristine “Casbah” Cook
Ginger or MaryAnn?
You ladies are so sly! You know this show is before my time! (Ahem.) But I checked with Google, and I think the best answer here as a feminist is Ginger.
What’s your favorite TV show?
Wow, it’s hard to narrow it down to just one. Generally speaking, my favorite type of television is the type that often triggers my husband to go ON AND ON about the STATE OF AMERICA these days, but I guess I’d go with The Voice and Smash. (Oh, Jesus. Am I a closeted musical theater nut?!)
Who’s on your laminated list?
I, quite seriously, have no idea what a “laminated list” is, but I’m going to assume it means celebrities-you’re-allowed-to-sleep-with list and not my Grocery list. So, that would be:
– Blake Shelton (I swear, I don’t even LIKE Nascar, but he has this smirk thing going on that…omg.)
– Actually, wait. I think the entire cast of The Voice would have to be there. Even CeeLo’s fluffy white cat. (Shut up. It’s MY fantasy.)
How long is this list supposed to be? Beyond this, I’d sleep with any celebrity that would get me a makeover with Tim Gunn, quite frankly. (Since I’m pretty sure The GunnMother himself wouldn’t be interested…)
What was the last book you read? (without pictures)
Um.
::tugs at collar::
Well, it was, you see– erm… Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
BUT I ONLY BOUGHT IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THE KAMA SUTRA!
What sport are you worst at?
Lord. I am the clumsiest sports player ever, so this list could be a long one. But I suppose kickball is my most despised, since I broke my finger trying to catch the damn ball in elementary school. It happened right out on field, and I was SO EMBARRASSED that I just kept playing. But then when I tried to catch the ball AGAIN during the next inning, I HIT THE SAME FINGER.
I could no longer mask my pain (or shame), so I asked to see the nurse. The worst part? My teacher LAUGHED because he thought I was trying to get out of diagramming sentences. I told him nevermind, and just waited until I got home and my pinky (YES, I BROKE MY PINKY) was the size of a sausage.
Who is your personal hero and role model (other than Marinka, obvs)
What’s the name of that plastic surgery woman? Who looks like a cat? Yeah, not her.
What is your best/worst memory from high school?
Are you guys, like, TRYING to get me arrested? WTF?
If you had to give a colonoscopy to a celebrity, who would it be?
Why, is that where they hide their money?
Celeb look-alike?
Oh, I hate this question. I have brown hair and wear glasses, so people used to tell me I look like Lisa Loeb. Now that she’s no longer relevant, I suppose I just look like one of those extras that play the role of the corpse on CSI.
Or, when I’m taking my meds, maybe Tina Fey…as Sarah Palin?
Would you rather smoke crack with Charlie Sheen and get busted, or secretly sleep with Newt Gingrich?
Wait…is this supposed to be something we HAVEN’T done already? And at the same time?
Who’s your nemesis?
Little Debbie. That bitch.
Do these jeans make me look fat?
For the LAST TIME Wendi, leggings are not pants!
What’s the state bird of Texas?
Geeze, I just moved here and already I need to do book report? I’m not sure what the name of it is, but I think it’s THIS bird:
Is this mole irregular?
Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD, Tonya, I do NOT want to look at your–
OH. That’s a mole?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Um, a Mouthy Housewife? Duh!
What was your first job?
I worked in a Mom & Pop video store (oh god…I just realized my kids won’t even know what one of those IS). The worst part is that there was an “Adult” section, and I’d ALWAYS see the high school Volleyball coach in there.
Ahem.
(I don’t want to talk about this anymore.)
What kind of car do you drive?
I drove a Subaru Outback up until a few weeks ago. Now I drive a Dodge truck. Subarus are illegal in Texas, it turns out! Giants fans, too! (Shhhhh.)
How many tattoos do you have?
Too many, ladies. TOO DAMN MANY.
(3)
How does Wendi get her hair so shiny?
Gosh, I’m not sure. I think it’s one of those heavily guarded State Secrets. Like, that special sauce from BK, or that secret ingredient in Coca-Cola. What was that, again? Cocaine?
Yeah, I think she uses cocaine.
::Mouthy Housewife legal team give Kristine the hook::
Thanks for tuning in this week, everyone! Stay tuned for the grand finale of tell-alls: Kelcey! I hear she has extra body parts! (No, not really.)
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I’m A Nude Model With a Stiffy!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Hey! Not sure if you’ll be able to help me, but recently I’ve been doing nude modeling for a art class and I’ve been “standing to attention” midway through. It’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down? Please help if you can.
Signed,
Super (Nude) Model
_________________________________
Dear Super (Nude) Model,
You know, most days I just sit here at my desk, dreading the moment that I open up the Mouthy Housewives mailbag and pull out yet another in-law or Facebook problem to answer. But then you came along, you magnificent fully-erect bastard you, and saved me from myself. So, thank you. Thank you for being a bizarre, possibly dangerous and most likely inebriated and/or high-on-gluesticks letter writer! MWAH! I WUV YOU!
Now, I must confess that I’ve never nude modeled myself because it’s probably against Texas state law and I don’t want to be sent to Cowgirl Prison. (Although with my pretty hair and nice mouth, I’d mos def be crowned Miss Supreme Cell Block, am I right?) Anyway, I imagine that if I ever did model nude, I wouldn’t get “alert” like you. No, I’d be too busy yelling, “Christ on a cracker, it’s FREEZING in here! I hope you’re all good at drawing motherf*&@ing goosebumps, you artistic wieners, because that’s all you’re gettin’ from this naked idiot. Jeezus, people. PAY YOUR HEATING BILL! I’VE GOT ICY NIPS!”
Where was I? Ah, yes. The Honorable Swollen Member.
Schwing!
As far as I know, there aren’t any particular “creams” you can put on Mr. Woody to talk him down from the ceiling. It’s probably best to just check your Spam folder for that kind of info. But maybe one of these ideas will help you stay fabulously flaccid the next time you’re a modelin’ the bod:
– Think of Rush Limbaugh naked
– Think of Newt Gingrich naked
– Think of Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich naked—and doing hot Tai Chi together in a dog park while Kenny G serenades them on the pan flute
(Note: If any of the above actually excites you, please call 911 immediately and tell them you need a 5150*.)
Other Boner Stoppers include thinking of your mother in a leather catsuit, doing Chinese long division in your head, checking your body for irregular moles and worrying that one of the students is drawing you with boobs and hooves and will then create an animated character with your name that’ll soon be on TV and lunchboxes worldwide. (“HardOn Harry”!)
But maybe those shards of brilliance won’t work, so let’s open it up to the Peanut Gallery: Kids, what can Mr. Engorged do to stop pitching a tent during his Nudie Time? Any and all ideas welcome! (But please keep it clean as this is a Family Website and we do not wish to offend the morons with no sense of humor.) (Oh, wait. We do. Nevermind. Carry on then!)
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
*Involuntary psychiatric hold
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Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Tonya!
That’s right, people! It’s time to meet another Housewife! So strap on your tap shoes, throw some glitter in the air and avoid getting yelled at by that scary teacher from Dance Moms by reading Tonya’s most guarded secrets. Have some tissue handy. You may cry a little. Or, if you’re smart, call the cops.
Name: Tonya
Age: What? I can’t hear you? Did you say something? Lalalalalalalala…..
Hometown: Brooklyn, baby!
Tonya and her friend Emily going to a high school Homecoming dance. Clearly, Emily knows how to take a picture. She also knows that you are supposed to wear shoes with a fancy dress. Tonya, obviously, does not have this knowledge. Not that her date noticed. He spent the whole night whispering in her ear: “I can’t believe I’m not on anything.” Poor Tonya.
Strange addiction:
I like to peruse the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and read up on my friends, family members, and co-workers. I’m a little worried about the other Housewives…
Signature dance move?
Whatever happens with 4 shots of tequila and a song by T.I. or C & C Music Factory. I’m complicated.
If you could give The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik a makeover, what would be your vision?
He doesn’t need a makeover, he just needs to admit he’s really Kim K’s BFF, Jonathan Cheban, AND Cojo from Entertainment Tonight.
All. The. Same. Guy.
How do you feel about juicing diets and cleanses?
I believe that they are the reason why Naomi Campbell throws phones at her assistants. SHE’S HUNGRY, PEOPLE! Unless, you’re talking about the kind where you shoot up heroin then snort meth. That one looks fun.
Least favorite household task:
Cleaning the bathroom after my 4 year old has used it. Very humbling. Also, walking through the house and having to ask: Whose underwear is hanging in the dining room? Why is there peanut butter on the cat? How did shampoo get on the kitchen ceiling?
Which tattoo is better: Confederate flag or Yosemite Sam?
I prefer text to images. I think: “Cannibalism Recycles” has a nice ring to it.
Who’s your celebrity crush?
Eminem. He seems nice.
What’s wrong with Fergie’s face?
I think it’s a strongly guarded Hollywood secret. Like why Tori Spelling has a career or why Gwyneth Paltrow believes she has useful advice.
Paper or plastic?
I like foil. We are talking about hats, right?
Childhood crush?
Neil Diamond. I like bad boys.
Where did you meet your husband?
At a party that just ran out of cups for the keg. He had procured a large pitcher to drink from, so he really wasn’t going without. I saw him and immediately decided that he was the one for me. He never did share that beer in his pitcher. He’s a keeper.
Three items you’d want on a desert island?
I’m a very pale person with a slight case of OCD so I’m not sure I would make it with all that sun and sand. Why don’t you just add Kathy Lee and Hoda to the equation and call it my working definition of hell. Great. Now, I need a moment to myself to imagine my safe place.
Why do you keep “forgetting” to clean the TMH clubhouse windows?
That’s Marinka’s job. I’m in charge of our compost pile. Which totally does not contain any bodies of people who have angered me, like that CVS pharmacist who refused to acknowledge my presence and give me my son’s damn cough medicine! Or that overly pushy mom who lives down the street and likes to make statements under her breathe about my son’s choice of clothing. LADY, HOW DOES MY SON WEARING HIS PANTS BACKWARD AFFECT YOU??? HE’S 4! HE’S NOT TRYING TO DATE YOUR DAUGHTER! Ok, back to my safe place…
Now that you know Tonya better, aren’t you glad she’s not your neighbor? Stay tuned for another Meet the Housewives! In the meantime have a great weekend!
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Up Close And Personal With The Housewives: Meet Wendi!
Guess what, people? Now you no longer have to dig through our trashcans and spy on us with telephoto lenses to find out what really makes us tick! Because today we start an exciting new feature here at The Mouthy Housewives: Meet Your Housewives! (Where the damn confetti cannon at? Marinka, weren’t you in charge of that?)
Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}
Today, let’s meet WENDI.
Name: Wendi Aarons
Age: STFU
Hometown: Austin, Texas
Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!
And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!
Dear Wendi:
What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?
What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.
Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.
Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!
Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!
If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass
What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.
Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.
Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.
Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.
What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”
Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!
Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.
What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!
What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.
Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?
Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!
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Why Do Women Get So Angry Every Time They Bleed?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
why do women get so angry every time they bleed? …if i cut myself shaving, i don’t fly into a rage, push massive bars of chocolate into my mouth and moan about how fat my arse is.
Signed,
Thomas
__________________
Dear Thomas,
Wow, thank you for taking time out of your busy day at Charm School to send in your question, Thomas! We know it’s really hard for a distinguished gentleman like yourself to find a computer, much less figure out how to spell words and use punctuation without the help of a correctional facility volunteer, so please know that we here at The Mouthy Housewives deeply appreciate your efforts. Now, on to your question!
Asking why women get so “angry” every time they “bleed” when you, a man, are able to easily handle a shaving cut tells me right off that you’re an expert in biology. Sweet AND smart! Hubba hubba! But honestly, not many people realize that a woman’s reproductive system works exactly like a man’s cheek, so kudos to you, sir. You are obviously a life-long subscriber to The New England Journal of Medicine and we bow to your amazing medical expertise.
Now, regarding why we women push massive bars of chocolate into our mouths and moan about how fat our arses are whenever we bleed—well, the answer is very simple, Thomas: we’re f&*#ing idiots. We’re weak, powerless and completely inferior in every way to you and your ilk. But come on, you already knew that, didn’t you? You were just using your dumbass, backwards question to flirt with us via the chickenshit anonymity of the internet, weren’t you? You SCAMP! You cheeky monkey! LOL.
Anyway, it’s been nice chatting with you, Thomas, but we’ll let you go because we know you’re a very busy, important man and you probably have tons more research to do on behalf of the International Women Haterz Club. But if you have any other thoughtful, intelligent questions about females, please be sure to let us know and we’ll answer them right away.
Well, unless we’re “bleeding,” of course. Then you can just go ahead and f*&k yourself.
Cheers!
Wendi, TMH
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