10 Oct
I Wish This Was Just a Porn Problem

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I came home on Saturday night from a party to load photos onto the computer which my husband had been on earlier. Up flashed a nude and pornographic photo of an ex colleague of my husband’s who he worked with years ago. This woman caused issues for me at the time as she had a crush on my husband and would text him wanting to meet for coffee. He eventually told her to go away (using slightly different language). I was horrified about where he got the photo and why he had it.

He lied at first but finally admitted that he has had the photo for about 7 years and has masturbated to it. He had taken the photo from her computer when he went to fix it, so she knows nothing about it. The picture was obviously taken by her husband and was for their eyes only.

I know he looks at porn. What man doesn’t?  But this is much worse because I knew her.

I am really devastated and hurt. He was prepared to leave because of all the hurt he has caused me but that wouldn’t solve anything. We have been together 20 years and I feel that I don’t know him now.

Signed,

I Know That Nude Girl!

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Dear I Know That Nude Girl,

Whoa… that is a lot to take in. You know things have taken a bad turn when you’re wishing your husband was just a run of the mill porn addict.

We have a few issues going on here. First of all, your husband stole the photo. Second, he in all likelihood had feelings in the past for this former colleague. Because you don’t steal a naked photo of someone just for the hell of it. Or do you? My experience stealing naked photos is extremely limited.

You must be feeling very betrayed and I’m sure you’re quite angry. But you’ve been married to this guy for 20 years so I’m guessing there is a lot of good stuff in your marriage. And he didn’t cheat on you. At least not in the physical sense.

You guys really need to go talk to a couple’s therapist. Someone who can help you start building back the trust in your relationship. Because it will be very hard to do that on your own. A therapist will also help your husband come clean about what feelings he had or didn’t have about this co-worker.

And remember that photo was from 7 years ago. So no matter how hot she looks in that picture, I bet her boobs have dropped about 3 inches. So delete the photo and take the next steps towards saving your marriage.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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31 Aug
Hey Bic, We Can Improve Your New Pen For Women!

Like most of you, The Mouthy Housewives have been applauding and celebrating Bic for recently introducing a pen just for women! Finally, we women can stop struggling with those pens made for Man Hands.

Kudos, Bic, for being a pioneer in the field of equal pen rights. It is because of your ingenuity that women can finally have pen equality. And we can only hope that this trend will continue. In fact, maybe consider changing the name. Because if someone says, “My Bic pen is-” it sounds like she’s saying “My big penis-” And that’s just not write.

But come on, Bic, think of ways that you can make your pen really for women. Freud may not have known what women want, but you certainly do.

Here, we’ll help you along.

1. A bronzer and lip gloss right in the cap for those times you need a touch up before your man comes home.

2. Use the pen to write your own prescriptions for Prozac because we all know ladies are constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

3. In a bind, the pen can double as a tampon. (Discard after use, ladies!)

4. Has a built-in safety devices that causes it to stop working when a douche bag asks you to write down your number.

5. Smooth tip makes it easy to write your future married name over and over and over again.

6. Can be stuck behind ear to help give you that “smart” look.

7. Bubble dotting “i” and “j” is easier than ever!

8. Ink turns to blood when writing checks. Numbers are scary.

9. Budget balancing is more exciting with the vibrating tip!

Thank you, Bic. Thank you for all you’ve done for womenfolk. With your product in our hands, the future looks a lot brighter.

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09 Aug
A Really Important Question

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Are your advice letters real, or do editors write them themselves sometimes? Is it a mix of both? I’m curious. It’s actually really important and I need to know.

Thanks, Curious Carrie

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Dear CC,

You’re right, this IS an important question, and it’s one that Wendi, Kelcey, Marinka and I have already been discussing for quite some time. The fact of the matter is that our editors are completely OUT OF CONTROL.

For instance, one day we all walked into the break room, here at the Mouthy Housewives Complex, and Editor A was making photocopies of her ass on the company Xerox machine. Which, by the way, we had JUST had sterilized. We Mouthies were kind of speechless, as you might imagine, and by the time we could pick our jaws up off the floor, Editor A cracked a joke and went on her merry way.

And that was just the start of it! A few weeks later, the behavior had escalated. This time, Editor B was in on the hijinks. They had stolen some mannequins from a local department store, dressed them to our likenesses, and had them doing interviews with NPR radio about our successful BlogHer Come As You Are party. We were puzzled. Do we not give our editors enough to do?

So, to answer your question, CC, I simply have no faith in the editors Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka and I employ here anymore. Our questions are all derived from reader emails, personal conversations, and astute research on our behalf. But then I pull a question like THIS from the queue, glance over at Editors A & B, and can just never be sure for certain…

Thanks for your question!
(Whoever you are.)

Kristine, TMH

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16 Jul
Who You Callin’ a Jigaloo?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was married to a woman, same age, for 27 years. Three kids, five grandkids, good going business. And she ran off with a jigaloo 10 years younger, who had nothing, when she was 47-years-old.

Signed,

Will

_____________________

Dear Will,

Is there a question here? Or is this just your super-smooth way of telling me that you’re now single and ready to mingle? Confused, Will. So very confused. But also slightly turned-on, so I guess that’s good news for both of us.

Anyway, I’m sorry your wife left you after so many years. That’s a horrible thing to happen to you and I wish you the best of luck in recovering from such a devastating loss. I hope you have many friends and family members who are able to support you in your time of need.

That said, I must ask you what a “jigaloo” is. I immediately assumed you meant “gigolo,” but then I said to myself, “Self, you’re not as worldly as you think and maybe a jigaloo is some creature from those Hobbit movies you never watch because you’re scared of gay wizards.” So if that’s the case, I’m very sorry you were dumped for a Hobbit. But like they say, “Once you go hairy fat feet, you never go back.” Isn’t that what they say? Or is it, “Once you go jigaloo, you never go shuge-a-loo”? No, that doesn’t even make sense. Plus it sounds like someone’s having hot sex with a pink Muppet and God knows those fuzzy horndogs are basically just VD factories waiting to explode. Seriously, why do you think Miss Piggy is always so crabby? Broad spectrum antibiotics, my friend. Da pig is on da penicillin.

As I said, I’m confused Will. So very, very confused. But I want you to know I wish you all the best in moving on and I sincerely thank you for contacting The Mouthy Housewives for advice. Despite your grammar and spelling issues, I truly feel that you’ll meet another woman deserving of your many charms before too long.

But just to cover all your bases, maybe start growing out the hair on your feet. I hear some ladies like that.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

5 Comments <-- Click to comment

09 Jul
I Think I Should Dump My Boyfriend, But I Dunno…

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been in a relationship for 5 months now. I am starting to feel like I have emotionally invested more time than he has… calling more, texting more etc..  Sometimes he calls and sometimes he tends to ignore me. We have talked about it and he said he will do better, but I feel nothing has changed. Should I dump his ass by ignoring his calls or should I tell him via text message since that’s how he likes to to communicate. Every time I try to talk to him in person we end up having sex instead. Any suggestions?

Also, he seems controlling.  For example, he told me that if I eat a piece of bacon that he won’t kiss me. So I did what I wanted, ate my bacon and we did not kiss. He does not like the TV shows I watch and always ask for the remote control so he can change the station.

And refuses to call me when he spends time with his 3 year son because, as he puts it, he doesn’t “see him that often as it is.” He recently put the mother of his son out about 2 weeks ago, and promised me he would do more for me. But as of yet I see nothing different happening. Any thoughts?

Signed,

Magic 8 Ball Broken

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Dear Magic 8 Ball Broken,

You know, you really had me at first! As I read your question, I had some sassy internal dialogue going that was saying things like OH GIRL, he is REWARDING YOU to eat bacon? YOU GO ON, NOW. And even with the television thing, my husband always tries to finagle the channel back to ESPN…

…but, then again, HE IS NOT STILL LIVING WITH HIS BABY MOMMA.

Say what?

In situations like this, I like to keep the boyfriend advice simple: if you feel the need to ask the question, then you probably already know the answer. In other words, you wouldn’t be questioning your relationship if it were working well and meant to be. It’s the crappy, dysfunctional relationships that raise a flag, and for good reason.

(Click to enlarge.)

So, to answer your question: yes. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, dump the motherf***er already.

Lots of love,

Kristine, TMH

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