This Is Not the Client List
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 22 years old and have been massaging for 3 years. Yesterday, I had a young man set up an appointment for a massage and I interviewed him prior to the session. He was 18 years old and was so nervous that he could barely have a conversation.
Apparently, he was from a small town that only had 37 people in it. Basically, he was very socially inexperienced and being in a big city for only 9 days he was still culture shocked. Anyway, I told him to undress completely or leave his underwear on and climb under the sheets. Well, he chose to completely undress and I began to perform a Swedish massage.
I asked if he wanted the glutes done and he said yes, but I was extra careful to be respectful of his privacy. Long story short, when he lay down on his back and I began on his thighs he immediately became erect! His thingy was twitching uncontrollably all over the place, so I applied more pressure and conveniently moved down to below the knee.
When I did the next leg, the same thing. As I’m staring at his ankles, I look back up and see his bright red face and his whole chest covered in semen. I was a bit shocked. He got up, left some money and went quickly. My partner said he must have masturbated after I left, because it is impossible to ejaculate without touch. Now, I can understand an 18 year old boy, that hasn’t had much female contact, getting an erection, but ejaculating and the amount, I just don’t know. I just feel a bit dirty. Can you offer me some advice for future occurrences and is it possible?
Signed,
Mary the Masseuse
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Dear There’s Something About Mary,
Before I get into the nitty gritty, let me get something straight. You say this gentleman was from a town of 37 people– does that mean that once he left there were only 36? Or were there 38 to start with and there are now only 37? Things like that always puzzle me.
As do underwearless massages. You know, for people who are not appearing on The Client List, Lifetime’s fun new “drama” about a woman who becomes a massage therapist with benefits, and I don’t mean health insurance.
Assuming that your question is legitimate (and I’m making the leap here because I had to edit some of the language in our question to make it less pornorific), I would suggest that you ask your clients to keep their underwear on in the future. As to whether a man can ejaculate without any hands-on-penis action, I am going to say yes, with a caveat that I am neither a sex therapist nor do I play one on TV, and that the answer may actually be no. (I am also confused when you say that he must have masturbated after you left, since your email states that you were massaging his ankles at the time of the semencident.)
Nevertheless, if you feel uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to see him again. Discuss the protocol with your partner. Let clients know that their underwear needs to be kept on. I would also recommend that you seek out further guidance from the American Massage Therapy Association.
Good luck to you,
Marinka, TMH
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Addicted to Masturbating?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m not really sure if you give this type of advice but I was wondering if there are any negatives from abstaining from masturbating? I do it five to six times a day and I would like to maybe give it up for the year?
Signed,
It’s a Hobby!
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Dear It’s a Hobby,
Welcome to the Mouthy Housewives! You must be new here because if you weren’t, you’d know we’ve answered that question a million times. “Are there any negatives to abstaining from masturbating” is right up there in popularity with “my mother-in-law is driving me crazy” and “Facebook etiquette.”
So is there a downside to no longer masturbating five or six times a day? I can’t think of any negatives but I can think of a few positives like you’d have time for a job and wouldn’t have to buy as much lotion.
Although I’m not sure I’d advocate going cold turkey for a whole year. Maybe just try cutting back a bit. Perhaps it’s time to put down the porn and get outside. I know lots of people are addicted to exercise. I haven’t yet figured out how to acquire this addiction but it seems like a good one. So get out and start running, biking or hiking. And if this masturbation issue is really concerning you, you might also want to seek the advice of a therapist.
But wait, are you a 16-year-old boy? Then sorry, you’re totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Go about your business and someday you’ll outgrow this.
Okay, I’ve gotta run. I need to go explain to my husband why I’ve been googling, “How To Stop a Masturbation Addiction.”
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog
As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed…
…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking. That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.
And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:
– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.
– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.
– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!
–Put me down! Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!
– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!
– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?
– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?
–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!
–You’re so lucky, they said. Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.
–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”
– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah
– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!
– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.
–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?
– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!
– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.
– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!
– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.
– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.
– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.
– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.
– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?
– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.
– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
– This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.
– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!
–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.
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Whistle While You Work, Just Not While You Zumba, Jerkface
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently really gotten into Zumba at the gym. It’s fun and burns lots of calories, but my favorite part is just going and cutting off my brain for and hour and de-stressing. Unfortunately, in the past two months, some crazy person has started whistling up a storm at almost nonhuman pitch and volume all during class. They really go to town if the instructor does anything “sexy.”
While I know that Zumba is a fun, dancey class, the constant high pitched noise is making me livid, to the point that I want to figure out who’s doing it and go smack them. I feel really petty that this bothers me so much and every class I try to tune it out and be Zen and all, but it’s so annoying that I feel I’m just going to have to cut out the Zumba all together.
Am I right to feel that the gym is not a strip club and you should not detract from a stress relieving exercise class or am I just being a total bitch? I think I’m a pretty nice person and it bothers me that I can’t seem to be cool with the whistling. I even put in a request in the gym suggestion box that it be discouraged and of course it was laughed off as a joke. Thanks for hearing me out.
Signed,
Zumba Zombie
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Dear Zumba Zombie,
(Full disclosure: I have a headache right now and wisely decided to treat it with Chardonnay and Allegra-D. I am therefore not responsible forf;kv;eakv;eklj;l, the weird crap I may say.) (Oh, shut up. Dear Abby did the same thing.)
Good for you, problem-haver, that you’re doing a workout you like! I, for one, have never tried Zumba because anything where lively, rhythm based dancing is involved gives me the big itchy hives. Alas, tis what’s kept me out of Brazil for my entire life.
But even though I can’t relate to your Zumba experience, I can definitely relate to being pissed off by a jerkface in exercise class. In fact, there are two women in my Yogarobayates class who never, ever stop talking to each other. They think they’re sooooo hilarious as they stretch and reach and discuss what they’re cooking for dinner that night. I’ve seriously considered strangling them with a wet yoga strap, only my biceps are usually too tired to pull it off.
But my low-muscle tone issues aside, what I have done is email the owner of my gym and tell her that those two women are super annoying and that they undermine the teachers’ instructions. After all, you’re supposed to be paying attention to what the instructors say and any weird distraction like whistling might mean you stop paying attention and get injured. Therefore, it’s obviously in the best interest of the gym owner to silence the Zumba Moron, right? (This totally worked for me and the gym owner told them to STFU.)
That’s why I advise you to be a hip shaking Norma Rae and get your toned butt down to the gym manager’s office and tell them in no uncertain terms that the WHISTLING MUST CEASE. It is the instructor’s responsibility to make sure that this no longer happens, so make sure you assert yourself and say so. Chances are this person is bothering many other people in the class, too.
Sometimes causing an aural disturbance is almost as offensive as causing a physical disturbance. So you are totally in the right to complain and I really hope you do so. After all, every whistler need a whistle blower to shut him down.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Don’t Call Me Mommy. I Am Your Wife. Remember?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am happily married to a wonderful, caring man. He’s also an incredible father to our two young children, sharing in all the tasks that come along with raising two little boys. But he has one habit that drives me crazy – since our oldest was born, he has taken to calling me “Mommy.”
No, not in a freaky bedroom kind of way, just everyday typical interactions like “How was your day at work, Mommy?” or “Mommy, is it time for the baby’s feeding?” I’m fine with my husband using the term when he’s talking to one of our sons (as in “Tell Mommy what you did at preschool today”), but it totally creeps me out when it’s a conversation between just the two of us.
I have tried dropping hints and pretending like I don’t hear him call me when he uses “Mommy” instead of my real name. I finally had a serious conversation with him and I explained that I know it is meant as a term of endearment but I find “Mommy” creepy coming from my husband. He didn’t quite understand but since he’ll do anything for me, he tried to stop.
The mommy calling did mostly taper off until 6 months ago, when our second son was born. Now it has ramped back up again and I just don’t know what else to do. I want to scream “Yes, I’m a mommy but I’m not your mommy!” How can I tell him to completely stop calling me “Mommy” without hurting his feelings?
Signed,
Nacho Mommy
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Dear Nacho,
Man, you are a patient woman. Sure your husband is sweet, caring and an amazing father but this “Mommy” thing is ridiculous. I once broke up with a guy just because he used the word “anywho” instead of “anyway.” Like he’d say, “Anywho, what are we doing tonight?” I was like, “Nothing because that word is making my skin crawl and I never want to see you naked again.” But unlike you, I am not the most patient woman.
First of all, know that you are not alone because we’ve gotten this question before. Secondly, you and your husband need to go to couples therapy immediately.
No, I’m just kidding. (I’m just really used to giving that advice.) Actually, you sound like you have a great relationship. And I don’t think his grating habit has anything to do with actual mommy issues. It’s just something he needs to stop doing. Like right now.
Here’s the thing. If people can quit smoking, snorting cocaine, drinking, gambling and going to Starbucks (well, I’m trying), then I think your guy can manage calling you by your actual name. I agree, it’s fine to call you “Mommy” when he’s talking to your sons but totally unacceptable when he’s having a conversation with you.
Explain to him again (repetition is the key to training dogs and husbands) that when he calls you “Mommy,” it’s a MAJOR turn off. Like you don’t want to get busy with him ever again turn off. Keeping the spark going in marriage is challenging enough. You don’t need your husband torturing you like this.
Let him know that every time he calls you “Mommy,” he has to put a dollar in a jar. That way he will be more aware of it and have a financial incentive to stop. And if he really can’t seem to kick this habit, at least you can go buy yourself a cute pair of cute shoes or something. Because mommy, you deserve it.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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