DEAR HOUSEWIFE AND SEXY BHABHI,
PLEASE TELL ME THAT I ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT SEX AND ONLY SEX TO HAVE WITH HOUSEWIFE AND BHABHI WITH THE AGE OF 25,30,35..
WHY SO, AND ITS A HARDY REQUEST TO YOU ALL PLEASE GET ME ANY HOUSEWIFE OR BHABHI FOR A NIGHT FOR ME…PLEASE
Boy, was I happy to see your question in our in-box! Everything else in there is all “my mother-in-law this,” “my sister-in-law that,” “my husband likes butter on his toast and does that mean he’s gay,” blah blah blah. It’s pretty bleak, my man.
But then I saw your letter and immediately got a big smile on my face. Because you know what makes a housewife and sexy bhabhi feel more special than a flattering email from a sexual internet deviant? Nothing, that’s what. No. Thing.
However, I do have a couple of questions for you, Mr. Viky, so please tell your secretary to hold all of your calls and I’ll get to askin’.
Question One: Why do you only want to have sex with a housewife and bhabhi who’s the age of 25, 30, 35? Does your penis only work when dealing in intervals of five?
Question Two: You ask us to get you “any” housewife or bhabhi for a night of you. Would you accept my neighbor housewife Jill who only wears cat sweatshirts and who once told me that she has so much pubic hair, her OB/GYN’s office calls her “Sasqua-gina”? I think she’d be totally into you.
And not just because her husband likes butter on his toast.
And Question Three: How are you allowed access to a computer? Do volunteer nuns come to your facility one a day with a laptop? I’m a little curious as to how you’re able to type.
But, I don’t know, V. The more I think about it, the more I think that you don’t really need a housewife. What you really need house arrest. (Word play!)
You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.
That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.
Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?
Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.
Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!
Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?
Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!
In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!
What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:
1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)
We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband decided he didn’t want to be active in Church any more in 2007. Then he decided he wanted to move and go to school. He had lots of reasons and so he signed up for school and went off while I stayed at our house for 2 months and fixed it up to sell. While he was at school he met this woman who was single with grown kids and living off her retirement.
He started doing things with this woman especially if I was out of the house. Soon every time I was gone, when I came home she was there. He started inviting her over all the time. We started going on vacations with her. But she was just his best friend. He started telling me all about her life and what she loved and what she was interested in. One time he was really drunk and was telling me how much he loved her.
After some family trouble, she had to move east and my husband fell into a deep depression. He became combative and uncommunicative. Then, one day, he called to tell me they were moving in with us. Eventually, the son left, but she is still here, living with us. She doesn’t pay us a thing and she doesn’t do anything but a few dishes once in a while. He buys her food and computers and anything else she talks about. Now she is taking trips all over the country and the world. When I told him I didn’t like paying for everything for her so she could take trips around the world he told me I was selfish and he enjoyed making her life better for her.
She has started telling me I’m doing stuff wrong. I told him about it and he said it was my fault because I act like I want to be disciplined. He told me the other day that he didn’t want me making him breakfast any more because he wanted to have to go into the kitchen when she does so he can visit with her.
I am so embarrassed I have let this happen and I am so devastated. He is very good to me and he acts like he loves me but then he does stuff like this. I don’t know what to do! If I leave will it be the wrong thing? Am I being selfish?
Living With the Enemy
Dear Living With the Enemy,
Holy COW, did you hear that noise? That was the world’s loudest and longest record screech, and I think it started right around the time you mentioned how he met this woman while “away” at “school.” And, in fact, I’m not sure it hasn’t stopped screeching. (BRB, getting earplugs.)
My advice for you here is going to be clear, direct, and swift: LEAVE. You need to leave him. You need to leave HER. You need to leave this situation, like, yesterday.
Now, I’m a little worried that you may read this and think, “but…” and so I’m going to repeat myself a bit just so you understand.
You need to leave even if the following things occur:
1. He says he loves you.
2. She says she loves you.
3. You are still breathing.
4. It’s the middle of the day.
5. It’s the middle of the night.
6. He apologizes.
7. She apologizes.
8. She leaves.
9. He leaves.
10. John Boehner looks tan.
L-E-A-V-E. Leave, leave, leave. Leave? LEAVE.
Love will make us to crazy things, woman, and as crazy as this situation has become, I’m sure you are not alone. Certain, even. And my heart breaks for you that you’re hurting and embarrassed. What your husband has done is not okay, and it’s certainly not your fault. You are not being selfish. You are not crazy. You are maybe feeling a little desperate, lonely, and afraid, but this is something from which you can recover. You have no power over your husband’s choices…only your own. You simply need to find the courage, confidence, and dignity to walk away from this man and never look back. Find a friend or therapist in whom to confide, gather some momentum and flee, girl.
Run like the wind,
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Halloween is just one day away and my house is full of candy to give to Trick or Treaters. I’m trying to resist it and stick to my diet, but it’s not easy. Any tips on how to resist?
Tempted by Treats
Dear Tempted By Treats,
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of willpower. Not to brag, but I personally have a tremendous amount of willpower. In fact, I haven’t even touched the many SWEET JESUS I WOULD KILL FOR A F*$#ING KIT KAT bags of candy I bought for Halloween. Nope, not a single piece of candy has passed by my determined lips.
You see, Tempted, it’s important to remember that dieting OMG SNICKERS ARE LIKE CARMEL METHAMPHETAMINE is a mental game. And one needs to stay strong of mind and appreciate that your body’s health is far more important than GET INTO MY MOUF, YOU DELICIOUS PEANUT M&M BASTARDS a few moments of sugary weakness. For it is our strength that keeps us looking good and feeling good, is it not?
That’s why powerful, clearheaded women like yours truly never, ever I GONNA LICK YOU ALL OVER LIKE A STRIPPER POLE, LAFFY TAFFY even look at our Halloween candy until Halloween night. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. So my advice to you is to stop being so weak and AWWW, YEAH, 50 SHADES OF TWIX BAR pathetic and eat an apple instead. If you do that, I’ll be proud of you, but more important to note is that I JUST HAD A THREE MUSKETEERS 3-WAY AND NOW I NEED A WINE COOLER AND A CIG you’ll be proud of yourself. Go, you!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!
No Fishnets Please
Dear No Fishnets Please,
You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!
Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.
But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:
Photo via Crushable.com
Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)
Or how about this unsexy costume?
Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!
(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)
Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:
Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.
If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.