Did William and Kate’s Half-Sister’s Cousin’s Friend Give Them A Wedding Gift?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My cousin is like a sister to me and we are super close. Her half-sister recently got married. I know her, but not very well. I think the last time I saw her was five or more years ago. Anyway, the half-sister sent me an email to tell me she got married. Should I send her a wedding gift? What’s the etiquette?
Signed,
To Gift or Not to Gift
___________________________
Dear To Gift or Not To Gift,
An etiquette question! Hooray! I just love etiquette questions! Mostly because I myself have impeccable manners. Oh, yes, it’s true. In fact, I always know exactly which piece of silverware to use when I’m stabbing a dinner companion in the neck because he won’t stop talking about his Cross Fit Training regimen in vivid detail. (Hint: It’s the steak knife!)
Now, before we discuss what you should do about your situation, let’s go over the sliding scale of appropriate wedding gifts per my vast gift giving experience:
If it’s for your dearest friend since childhood — Tiffany
If it’s for your dearest friend since college — Macy’s
If it’s for your sister or brother — Crate and Barrel and/or a homemade item that has sentimental value and will most likely end up in their garage under a moldy hammock and ten paint cans and then you will not speak to them again until they have a baby or buy a time share in Hawai.
If it’s for your boss — Pottery Barn
If it’s for your boss you hate — Liquor Bar
If it’s for your co-worker — Regift
If it’s for your co-worker you hate — Regift mulch
And, if it’s for your cousin’s half sister who notified you via email that she got married — I really don’t think you need to knock yourself out. After all, you’re more acquaintances with her than anything, right? Just because you’re super close to her half-sister doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do much, so that’s why I think a very nice card with a personal message written inside will suffice.
However, if you’d like to celebrate her love and the start of her new life with her husband, I’m sure any kind of small gift from you would be greatly appreciated.
Maybe even a steak knife.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Quick ‘n Easy Tips for Not Plagiarizing
Look, we’ll be honest. When we heard that a blogger plagiarized posts from Amalah, we were so angry that we almost started to Mouth Off on the subject. But then we thought, why not use this as a teaching moment? Because many of you out there may need an easy reference guide for avoiding plagiarism. And we are nothing if not full-service! (We think. Also, we just made that up, so don’t start dropping off your laundry or anything like that.)
So, here are some easy and fun tips to help you remember not to plagiarize!
1. When you are about to copy someone’s words and use them as your own, don’t. Instead, make yourself a smoothie.
2. When you read something that you love on a blog, leave a comment, not a copyright violation.
3. Remember, it’s See Something, Say Something. Not Read Something, Steal Something.
4. If you are a mommy blogger and you wrote the most amazing travel post about how you just sailed around the world solo, you may have accidentally stolen it.
5. Do not mix margaritas and your computer’s copy and paste features.
6. If you are writing about a fork in the road, you better be talking about flatware or you may be stealing someone else’s idea.
7. If your post is about how you can’t believe you won so many Grammys and you want to fank all of your fans and snarf some fish and chips, you may have accidentally lifted a few quotes from Adele’s website.
8. If you’re only 27 years old, but your post is about raising babies in the Great Depression, maybe you should do a few moments of soul searching.
9. If your blog usually reads like the work of a demented 3rd grader and then one day it suddenly sounds like you got a PhD overnight, there’s a chance you maybe copied the work of someone a hell of a lot smarter than you.
10. If you don’t remember writing the words on your screen and you don’t have either a smack habit or multiple personalities, then you are probably stealing.
11. If you’re 27 and you still don’t understand the old adage, “If it’s not yours… It’s NOT YOURS” then even The Mouthy Housewives can’t help you.
12. If you find yourself constantly using catch phrases like: “Have a Coke and a smile”, “Fair and Balanced”, and “Neglecting our families to give you advice since 2009″ then you are probably plagiarizing.
13. Unless it’s 1963 and you’re standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial, we don’t think your “I Have A Dream” post was written by you.
14. Not sure if you’re plagiarizing? Keep this simple rhyme in mind! If your source is pissed, you’re a plagiarist!
15. When you’re proofreading your writing and you see something that seems familiar, be sure to find the missing citation before printing. Sometimes neighborhood fliers can help.
(Annoying husbands, on the other hand, do not help.)
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I’m A Nude Model With a Stiffy!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Hey! Not sure if you’ll be able to help me, but recently I’ve been doing nude modeling for a art class and I’ve been “standing to attention” midway through. It’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down? Please help if you can.
Signed,
Super (Nude) Model
_________________________________
Dear Super (Nude) Model,
You know, most days I just sit here at my desk, dreading the moment that I open up the Mouthy Housewives mailbag and pull out yet another in-law or Facebook problem to answer. But then you came along, you magnificent fully-erect bastard you, and saved me from myself. So, thank you. Thank you for being a bizarre, possibly dangerous and most likely inebriated and/or high-on-gluesticks letter writer! MWAH! I WUV YOU!
Now, I must confess that I’ve never nude modeled myself because it’s probably against Texas state law and I don’t want to be sent to Cowgirl Prison. (Although with my pretty hair and nice mouth, I’d mos def be crowned Miss Supreme Cell Block, am I right?) Anyway, I imagine that if I ever did model nude, I wouldn’t get “alert” like you. No, I’d be too busy yelling, “Christ on a cracker, it’s FREEZING in here! I hope you’re all good at drawing motherf*&@ing goosebumps, you artistic wieners, because that’s all you’re gettin’ from this naked idiot. Jeezus, people. PAY YOUR HEATING BILL! I’VE GOT ICY NIPS!”
Where was I? Ah, yes. The Honorable Swollen Member.
Schwing!
As far as I know, there aren’t any particular “creams” you can put on Mr. Woody to talk him down from the ceiling. It’s probably best to just check your Spam folder for that kind of info. But maybe one of these ideas will help you stay fabulously flaccid the next time you’re a modelin’ the bod:
– Think of Rush Limbaugh naked
– Think of Newt Gingrich naked
– Think of Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich naked—and doing hot Tai Chi together in a dog park while Kenny G serenades them on the pan flute
(Note: If any of the above actually excites you, please call 911 immediately and tell them you need a 5150*.)
Other Boner Stoppers include thinking of your mother in a leather catsuit, doing Chinese long division in your head, checking your body for irregular moles and worrying that one of the students is drawing you with boobs and hooves and will then create an animated character with your name that’ll soon be on TV and lunchboxes worldwide. (“HardOn Harry”!)
But maybe those shards of brilliance won’t work, so let’s open it up to the Peanut Gallery: Kids, what can Mr. Engorged do to stop pitching a tent during his Nudie Time? Any and all ideas welcome! (But please keep it clean as this is a Family Website and we do not wish to offend the morons with no sense of humor.) (Oh, wait. We do. Nevermind. Carry on then!)
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
*Involuntary psychiatric hold
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Keep Your Menstrual News To Yourself, Please
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my friends says, “I’m on my period” and it drives me crazy. Should I just let it go? She’s years away from menopause.
Signed,
TMI
_______________________________
Dear TMI,
Before I answer this question, I have to let you know something really personal. (Ahem.) I’m on my period!
Sucker.
Anyway, since you didn’t really elaborate in your email, I’m not sure if your problem is simply the fact that your friend is telling you she has her period or if what you don’t like is the way she’s phrasing it. Let’s discuss the former first.
Many, if not most, women think it’s perfectly normal to let your female friends know when you have your period. In fact, I often do this myself. For example, last week my friend April asked me why I didn’t go to yoga and I answered, “Because I had horrible cramps all day” and she immediately knew what that meant. (Full disclosure: I didn’t really have cramps, but it was better than admitting I didn’t go to yoga because there was a Hillbilly Handfishin’ marathon on.) (Plus, I was whacked out on Midol.)
The week before that, my friend Dena asked me why I started crying after I watched a KFC commercial and I said, “Because I have PMS” and she immediately knew what that meant. So perhaps your friend is just letting you know she has her period to explain her mood or her health. She probably feels that you’ll commiserate with her. But if you don’t want her telling you anymore, maybe a simple, “I love you, but please stop telling me you’re on your period because I really don’t want to know” will suffice.
Now, if your actual problem is that you just don’t like the saying, “I’m on my period,” I have a few options you can give your friend. Such as:
- I’m surfing the crimson wave!
- I just got The Curse!
- My Aunt Flo is in town!
- Girlfriend’s riding the cotton pony, y’all!
- J’ai mes règles!
- Guess who’s wearing a tampon?!
- I’m shedding the lining of my uterus right now! Up high!
- Does this maxipad make me look fat?
Or any other suggestions by our readers, who I’m sure have some fabulous ones.
At any rate, just be honest with your friend. She probably has no idea that this bothers you, and since it’s pretty minor, she shouldn’t have any problem keeping her monthly news to herself.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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This Dance Ain’t 4 Everyone, Just the Exey People
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is still friends with his ex-brother-in-law. Ex-brother-in-law lives with my husband’s ex-wife. I think it’s disrespectful for my husband to spend time at his ex-wife’s house in order to hang out with ex-brother-in-law. Am I being disrespected? Should I feel angry about this situation?
Signed,
Complex
_____________________________
Dear Complex,
Wowza. The last time I felt this confused after reading something was when I was building an Ikea bookcase and couldn’t figure out the how-to instructions. (Said bookcase being “The”Grevbäck,” which I believe means “You just bought yourself an ugly slanty bookcase plus multiple blisters and three extra screws, you stupid American Big Mac Face” in Swedish.) (But my translation may be slightly off because I’m Norwegian.)
Anyway, here’s what I think you said: there’s an ex here, there’s an ex there, everywhere an ex ex. Is that right? Of course it’d be a lot more fun to deal with this issue if there was an “s” added to the beginning of those words, but like my hairdresser always says, let’s just work with the messes we gots all up in he-ah, Ladygirl.
Now, I’ve never been divorced, but I seem to think that exes can see each other without falling into either bed or cahoots with each other. So the fact that he’s seeing his ex-wife isn’t necessarily cause for concern and/or a sign of disrespect. However, if you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable and he blows you off or is rude about it, then you should definitely let him know he’s upsetting you and see what he says.
Have you suggested that the ex-brother-in-law come to your house to hang out? Or that you all meet someplace else? Like your ex-sister-in-law’s ex-cousin’s ex-partner’s X-Files themed restaurant or something? Because if your husband’s still as eager to see his ex-brother-in-law when his ex-wife isn’t around, that’s a good sign that he’s only interested in the ex-brother-in-law’s friendship and isn’t trying to do anything untoward with his ex-wife.
At least that’s my expert opinion.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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