Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My new friend is selling one of those jewelry lines. Stella and Bella or whatever. The jewelry is not exactly my taste, but I feel bad not buying anything. She hasn’t pressured me at all, however I don’t want this to jeopardize a new friendship. Should I just buy something?
Keep Your Crown Jewels Away From Me
To read the answer, just click on over to BlogHer.
You know how much we love giving advice. But we Mouthy Housewives have to take a little hiatus. With all this heat our hair has gone haywire and we are beginning to look like the Richard Simmons quintuplets and that’s just not an appropriate look for the important task of helping you solve your problems.
Plus, the hot weather is just frying our brains, despite the fact that Marinka worked out a deal for Chris Brown to fan us and feed us ice cold grapes 24/7 as part of his community service requirements. Man, why can’t Ryan Gosling ever be on probation?!
Please enjoy your summer! We will probably spend most of it flying to and from London to help look after the royal bambino. Those first-time moms need a lot of guidance. We will miss you terribly, and as a coping mechanism, we will most likely have to partake in lemon drop shots and dirty dancing with Prince Harry. But we’ll still be over at BlogHer Moms with our weekly dose of wisdom, so visit us there!
Goodbye for now,
The Mouthy Housewives
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I like this guy and he likes me back. He asked me out about a month ago and I said, “When I get to know you better.”
I really want to go out with him, but I’m going away with him and a whole heap of friends for 2 weeks and I think that things might be awkward if we break up before/during the vacation. I also think that if I go out with him all my other friends will judge me.
What do I do?
Hmmmm. From the sound of your letter, I’m guessing that you’re not a 40-year-old woman. Because if you were, you’d sound a lot more sure of yourself and also include many colorful swear words. So, let’s assume you’re 25 or under.
Now, you like this guy and he likes you. That’s Step Number One. But you say you don’t want to date him until you get to know him better, which confuses me. How will you get to know him better if you don’t spend any time together? Do you mean you only want to be around him in large groups? That you want to read his unpublished memoirs? That you plan on a few months of texting emojis to each other? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t at least go out for coffee or bubble tea or whatever it is you millennials enjoy these days. Monster Energy Drinks?
You are, however, wise to not start anything with him before the trip. That’s a good call on your part because the last thing you need is a lover’s quarrel while you’re backpacking through Ohio with a bunch of friends. Maybe use this time to hang out with him a little more, but in casual settings.
That said, I’m curious about the “all of my other friends will judge me” sentence in your letter. Is there something different about him? Is he an ex-con? A real estate agent? A professional clown? Because if you like him and he likes you, who cares what your friends think. Take your time, get to know him casually, then see where it goes. You’ll figure it out on your own.
DEAR HOUSEWIFE AND SEXY BHABHI,
PLEASE TELL ME THAT I ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT SEX AND ONLY SEX TO HAVE WITH HOUSEWIFE AND BHABHI WITH THE AGE OF 25,30,35..
WHY SO, AND ITS A HARDY REQUEST TO YOU ALL PLEASE GET ME ANY HOUSEWIFE OR BHABHI FOR A NIGHT FOR ME…PLEASE
Boy, was I happy to see your question in our in-box! Everything else in there is all “my mother-in-law this,” “my sister-in-law that,” “my husband likes butter on his toast and does that mean he’s gay,” blah blah blah. It’s pretty bleak, my man.
But then I saw your letter and immediately got a big smile on my face. Because you know what makes a housewife and sexy bhabhi feel more special than a flattering email from a sexual internet deviant? Nothing, that’s what. No. Thing.
However, I do have a couple of questions for you, Mr. Viky, so please tell your secretary to hold all of your calls and I’ll get to askin’.
Question One: Why do you only want to have sex with a housewife and bhabhi who’s the age of 25, 30, 35? Does your penis only work when dealing in intervals of five?
Question Two: You ask us to get you “any” housewife or bhabhi for a night of you. Would you accept my neighbor housewife Jill who only wears cat sweatshirts and who once told me that she has so much pubic hair, her OB/GYN’s office calls her “Sasqua-gina”? I think she’d be totally into you.
And not just because her husband likes butter on his toast.
And Question Three: How are you allowed access to a computer? Do volunteer nuns come to your facility one a day with a laptop? I’m a little curious as to how you’re able to type.
But, I don’t know, V. The more I think about it, the more I think that you don’t really need a housewife. What you really need house arrest. (Word play!)
You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.
That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.
Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?
Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.
Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!
Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?
Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!
In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!
What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:
1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)
We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)