One, Two and Now We’re Three! Happy Birthday to the Mighty Mouthies!
Believe it or not, it’s our birthday today! Yes, just three years ago The Mouthy Housewives were nothing but a twinkle in Bradley Cooper’s Swiffer and now just look at us! We’re walking, we’re talking, we’re learning to use the potty by ourselves—OMG, it’s so fun to be 3! Wheeee!
We’re celebrating our big milestone by swilling champagne, gobbling chocolate and licking pictures of Channing Tatum in our Mouthy Mansion all week, and that’s why we need your help. As you know, all year long, we four gorgeous martyrs answer every single one of your questions. Happily, we may add. Even the dog poop and naked model with a stiffy ones. But our birthday is the one week a year when we ask YOU to help US with our issues. Yep, we have problems, too, friends. Even stunning geniuses have flaws. Just ask poor, troubled Giselle Budchen. Bikinis can chafe.
But because we love all of you, our readers, we know that you’re up to the task. So just do what we do: carefully read the question, sniff some glue and/or bath salts, then put on your thinking Spanx and give us your best answers to our problems. Isn’t that so much easier than buying us all a present? Thank you!
First up: Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives’ Readers,
I absolutely hate cooking dinner. HATE IT. I’m a terrible cook and just not interested in improving. I’d be perfectly happy having cottage cheese and fruit for dinner every night if I lived alone. Maybe popcorn if I was feeling festive.
The problem is, I don’t live alone. I live with two kids and a husband. And did you know that kids need to be fed THREE TIMES A DAY?
Anyway, I can usually figure out something they’ll eat, but then my husband doesn’t like it. (He’s very, very healthy and often goes on various regimines where he won’t eat carbs, etc.) Or I make something he likes and the kids hate it. I don’t want to cook something different for everyone, nor am I that interested in delving into cookbooks and trolling Whole Foods for the perfect recipe to please everyone. But I would like us all to eat together at least a couple of nights a week.
My husband is probably okay with just making his own food, but he also works all day and it’d be nice if I could at least make a couple of meals for the family. Any suggestions? Signed,
Wendi, TMH
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Motherhood in Six Words
Mother’s Day is this weekend and The Mouthy Housewives want to take a moment to honor all the mothers out there with a little tribute, so we’ve asked our favorite bloggers to describe motherhood in six words. Here are the beautiful things they had to say:
Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.
Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.
Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.
Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.
TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.
Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.
Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.
Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?
Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.
Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.
Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.
Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.
Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.
Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.
Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.
Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.
Ellen, Love That Max: Life is hectic, powered by love.
Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?
Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.
Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers
Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.
Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?
Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.
Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.
Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.
Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.
Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!
Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.
Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!
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Hands Off My Mother-In-Law, She’s Mine!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister, who is 45 and single, has developed a relationship with my 87-year-old mother-in-law that does not include me. She will drive to my MIL’s, go out to dinner and sleep over. She has also recently started to have my MIL over to her apartment for a couple of nights. My husband also thinks this is odd.
I am married and have two children, one of whom is disabled and I am also in nursing school full time. I can’t devote the amount of time to my mother-in-law that my sister does. My sister and I don’t have the best relationship. It’s okay, but not really close, so when I am mad at her, and I hear that she is at my mother-in-law’s, it kind of drives me nuts. I feel like she is overstepping her boundaries. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Signed,
Hands Off My Mother-In-Law
_____________________________
Dear Hands Off,
Well, here’s an interesting twist on the ol’ Mother-In-Law issue! She’s not mean or snoopy. She doesn’t poop while holding your baby. She doesn’t smell. She’s just hanging out with your sister. Is it wrong that I’ve already cast the movie version of this? “Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz are the sassiest, bustiest twosome you’ve ever seen! And they’re hittin’ the streets this summer in The Mother In Law/Sister Boogaloo in 3-D! Don’t miss this one! Soundtrack by Snoop Dogg.”
OK, well now we know why I no longer work in Hollywood.
But I really fail to see what the problem is with these two forming a friendship. You’re too busy to spend much time with the MIL, so I would think you’d be happy that someone is watching out for her. (Gotta keep an eye on those older ladies or they’ll blow their life savings at the Bingo parlor, you know.) I suspect that both women are a little lonely, so it seems wonderful to me that they found each other and enjoy the same things. My younger sister was a great friend to my mother-in-law before she passed away and I loved that they had that special relationship.
You didn’t say anything about them gossiping about you or joining forces against you, but is that something you’re worried about? Or is it that you’re simply a little jealous and feel left out? Both the MIL and sister dynamic are fraught with issues and emotional landmines, so I think it’s normal to feel a bit weird about it all. But I’m sure if you ever wanted to join them for dinner or movie night, they’d be happy to have your company. Try it.
Friendship and family can take all shapes and forms, and it’s admirable that your sister opts to spend time with an 87-year-old. Maybe she’s getting some mothering from her or maybe she feels useful by giving her time. Whatever the reason, I say just let them have their fun.
Just not at the Bingo parlor.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog
As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed…
…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking. That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.
And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:
– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.
– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.
– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!
–Put me down! Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!
– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!
– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?
– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?
–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!
–You’re so lucky, they said. Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.
–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”
– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah
– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!
– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.
–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?
– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!
– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.
– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!
– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.
– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.
– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.
– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.
– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?
– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.
– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
– This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.
– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!
–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.
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Whistle While You Work, Just Not While You Zumba, Jerkface
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently really gotten into Zumba at the gym. It’s fun and burns lots of calories, but my favorite part is just going and cutting off my brain for and hour and de-stressing. Unfortunately, in the past two months, some crazy person has started whistling up a storm at almost nonhuman pitch and volume all during class. They really go to town if the instructor does anything “sexy.”
While I know that Zumba is a fun, dancey class, the constant high pitched noise is making me livid, to the point that I want to figure out who’s doing it and go smack them. I feel really petty that this bothers me so much and every class I try to tune it out and be Zen and all, but it’s so annoying that I feel I’m just going to have to cut out the Zumba all together.
Am I right to feel that the gym is not a strip club and you should not detract from a stress relieving exercise class or am I just being a total bitch? I think I’m a pretty nice person and it bothers me that I can’t seem to be cool with the whistling. I even put in a request in the gym suggestion box that it be discouraged and of course it was laughed off as a joke. Thanks for hearing me out.
Signed,
Zumba Zombie
____________________________
Dear Zumba Zombie,
(Full disclosure: I have a headache right now and wisely decided to treat it with Chardonnay and Allegra-D. I am therefore not responsible forf;kv;eakv;eklj;l, the weird crap I may say.) (Oh, shut up. Dear Abby did the same thing.)
Good for you, problem-haver, that you’re doing a workout you like! I, for one, have never tried Zumba because anything where lively, rhythm based dancing is involved gives me the big itchy hives. Alas, tis what’s kept me out of Brazil for my entire life.
But even though I can’t relate to your Zumba experience, I can definitely relate to being pissed off by a jerkface in exercise class. In fact, there are two women in my Yogarobayates class who never, ever stop talking to each other. They think they’re sooooo hilarious as they stretch and reach and discuss what they’re cooking for dinner that night. I’ve seriously considered strangling them with a wet yoga strap, only my biceps are usually too tired to pull it off.
But my low-muscle tone issues aside, what I have done is email the owner of my gym and tell her that those two women are super annoying and that they undermine the teachers’ instructions. After all, you’re supposed to be paying attention to what the instructors say and any weird distraction like whistling might mean you stop paying attention and get injured. Therefore, it’s obviously in the best interest of the gym owner to silence the Zumba Moron, right? (This totally worked for me and the gym owner told them to STFU.)
That’s why I advise you to be a hip shaking Norma Rae and get your toned butt down to the gym manager’s office and tell them in no uncertain terms that the WHISTLING MUST CEASE. It is the instructor’s responsibility to make sure that this no longer happens, so make sure you assert yourself and say so. Chances are this person is bothering many other people in the class, too.
Sometimes causing an aural disturbance is almost as offensive as causing a physical disturbance. So you are totally in the right to complain and I really hope you do so. After all, every whistler need a whistle blower to shut him down.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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