25 Jul
Mouthing Off: Do My Bones Make Me Look Fat In These Jeans?

It’s become increasingly clear that Kate Middleton and her sister, she of the distinguished derriere, must have some knowledge crucial to a superpower’s security because they have obviously been given what in some circles is termed “torture-lite.” This is a practice whereby the victim is literally starved for information.  Both women have become, simultaneously, über-thin and, strangely, powerful role models for young girls. Their gaunt frames are paraded on websites dedicated to pro-anorexia and severe dieting as the epitome of what a woman should strive to look like.

We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?

Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.”   Or  that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):

–             When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball.   It makes them go away.

–             Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.

–       Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.

Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional.  I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!

We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense.  Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.

So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.

Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal.  That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.

If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!

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15 Feb
Bebe, Bebe, Bebe….No!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Should a grown woman shop at Bebe? You know, that skanky store in the mall? My friend buys all of her “going out” clothes there, and she looks like a desperate 40-year-old slut. What do you think?

Signed,

Act Your Age

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Dear Act Your Age,

True story: I once got completely stuck in a black tube skirt in a Bebe dressing room. Of course, this was when I was 25, so I had no pride and occasionally shopped there for “party wear,” but it was humiliating nonetheless. I still remember the look on the salesgirl’s disgusted face when she had to grab onto my ankles and yank on me like a pig stuck in a gunny sack. Seriously, I thought I’d be wearing that $59 piece of Lycra shit for the rest of my life. Or at least until the fire department showed up with a crowbar.

Ah, memories!

Anyway, where your friend wants to shop is completely up to her unless you’re A) her mother or B) paying her Visa bill. But for whatever reason, buying clothes designed by those genius Kardashians makes her feel good, so you have no right to tell her that she looks like a trampy Vegas barfly.

If you’re embarrassed to be around her when she’s all dolled up in a red bandage dress and f*ck me pumps, well, that maybe says more about you than her. So my advice is to just suck it up and deal with it because what someone wears is the least of your problems.

Unless you’re dating Jon Gosselin. That Ed Hardy crap is super nasty.

Best,

Wendi, TMH

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25 Mar
Help, My Husband Morphed into a Health Nut

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

About three months ago, my 40-year-old husband started becoming healthy. He eats better, he works out, and he’s lost 25 pounds. He looks amazing. The problem is, now he wants me to join him. I work out a few times a week, and I eat fairly well, but I don’t want to get over-zealous like he is. This is leading to a lot of arguments. Should I just start drinking the wheat grass and shut up?

Sincerely,

Healthy But Not Nutty

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Dear Healthy But Not Nutty,

No, you shouldn’t drink the wheat grass and shut up. What you should do is secretly check his email and text messages, because is he having an affair? I get suspicious of any middle-aged married man who takes a sudden interest in getting in shape.

Even if he isn’t cheating, I hate him anyway for losing 25 pounds in three months. I’ve been doing the 30-Day Shred religiously (I have a Jillian shrine and everything) and have only lost ten pounds in a year.

Now, we’ll assume he isn’t having an affair. We can probably also assume he doesn’t consider lifting the TV remote or running to the freezer for a scoop of ice cream “working out.” So we’re dealing with a fanatic. What to do?

First, are you healthy and hot-looking already? If so, tell him you don’t have to be an exercise zealot to look good. It may not prevent an argument, but at least you’ll have the last word, which is a desirable marriage practice here at The Mouthy Housewives.

However, the rest of society seems to find the ability to compromise a valuable marriage practice. This is the same society where grown women lust over teenage vampires, so clearly society is insane. Should we care what they think?   Stand by your own exercise principles. Be an example of moderation and balance for your husband. After all, there is more to life than pumping iron.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

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21 Jan
How Do You Tell Your Sister She’s Fat AND Stupid?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Every year my older sister starts a new diet plan on January 1st. Since she knows she’s doing this, she eats like a burly Teamster for the entire month of December, thinking she’ll soon lose the weight. However, she never does and each year she packs on an extra 10 lbs. How do we tell her this is a really bad idea without hurting her feelings?

Signed,

The Skinnier Sister

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Dear Skinnier Sister,

Let me get this straight: You want to point out the obvious to your sister, which will basically imply that she’s both fat and stupid. I bet she’ll want to nominate you for Sister of the Year after that!

I have a better idea – you don’t tell her.

Losing weight is hard. With deep, enlightened statements such as that, I’m sure you’ll want to quote me, so I give you permission. See, this Mouthy Housewife has sworn for over a year now she would see the underside of 140 pounds. I have three pounds to go, and this is after months (and I mean MONTHS) of heinous acts of self-flagellation, or what is also known as The 30-Day Shred exercise video. Of course, it probably wouldn’t take me so long to reach my goal were I not also flagellating myself with chocolate chip cookies tied to a rope.

If you feel compelled to help your sister, I suggest a more positive approach. Make a fitness commitment with her. I don’t care who you are (unless you are that succubus she-devil Jillian Michaels), there is always room to improve your physical fitness. The two of you can keep each other accountable. There are lots of ways to do this, but right now I hear a cookie calling my name and can’t list them. Hofefully, mah reafers wilf mafe some suffestions while I eafs dis cookie.

Sincerely,

Heather, TMH

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11 Sep
It’s Weighing on Me, Can You Tell?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need advice and am too embarrassed to discuss with my close friends. I have been with my HS sweetheart for 11 years, but we are not married. During this time I have gained over 150 pounds. He didn’t say anything at first, but the last 3 years he has mentioned my weight gain. He is not mean, does not make fun of me, just lets me know that it is something that he is not happy with.

I hate that I am overweight. I don’t even try to take care of myself anymore. No makeup, hair is always up, and I live in jeans and T-shirts. I am a yo-yo dieter. I lose weight and then get sick of dieting and gain all the weight plus more.

He brought up the weight issue last night, and let me know that he wants to move forward with our life, and that he wants to get married one day but my weight is a HUGE issue for him. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life having arguments about my weight. I immediately got mad when he told me this, because I feel like he should love me no matter what. I KNOW that he loves me, he goes to work everyday to provide for me and our son, and is an all around great guy. That said, I’m still mad. I can’t figure out though if I’m mad at him for caring about my weight, and for not accepting me for me, or if I’m mad at myself for letting it get this bad. You might need to get your husbands for this one, but is my sweetie a bad guy or would this be on any guys mind?

Thanks!

Signed,   Too Much
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Dear Too Much,

The good news is that I don’t need my husband’s input for this one because this isn’t a boy-girl issue. It’s a human issue and a health issue.

I understand that you are upset about what he said, but I don’t see your partner’s concern about your weight and your health (because certainly we can agree that they’re intertwined) as a signal that he doesn’t love you no matter what. I see it as an expression of genuine concern about a woman that he loves.   No, he did not pay me to say that.   Yes, I would accept a small token of his appreciation.

But great news! I don’t mean to suggest for a second that he’s off the hook as “the good guy,” because where was his concern all those years while you were putting on the weight?   I say that you are totally entitled to fume at him over that one.

As to whether you are mad at him or at yourself,   who cares?   Anger is anger and it carries some benefits.   Go see your doctor for a physical, get an okay to exercise (I know, it’s hard for me to accept that we need approval to exercise.   Next thing you know, we’ll need a go-ahead to eat tofu or something) and start moving.   Personally, I love boxing for the Wii.   You know, because it lets me imagine my nemesis on the receiving end of my left hook.

Or better yet, because not everyone can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee the way that Ali and I can, look into joining the gym with your honey.   Getting physical together will help you shed the pounds and reaffirm both of your commitments to each other.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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