14 Jan
Is Craigslist A Good Dating Site?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m 37, and […brace yourself…] I haven’t had any man touch me in the 16 years since my son was born. I was really down and put down about my extra weight, flabby parts, and pregnancy ‘scars’ and have few acquaintances and fewer friends. I’m beyond lonely. I’ve considered the weirdos that troll Craigslist and male prostitutes and just can’t bring myself to do it. Did I mention I have extreme social anxiety? And though I’ve recently upgraded my ‘toy‘ it still doesn’t give what I really miss about sex. So I guess my question is what would you do if you didn’t have the husband part of the family equation?

Signed,

Lonely and Desperate

_____________________________________

Dear Lonely & Desperate

Listen, after reading your note, I can barely set down the box of Kleenex long enough to sputter out with consternation:

CRAIGSLIST?! WOMAN, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

The fact is, I don’t know you. I don’t know you, but after hearing your story, I love you and my heart aches for you. Similarly, my fiercely honest and protective friend personality (I have several…I call this one Wanda) is screaming her ever-loving head off. You are hurting, anyone can see. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t as in love with yourself as you should be. In different grades, we–as women and as human beings–have all been there at some point. But the key here is to recognize this foolishness. To recognize that you are to be loved–that you are, in fact, IMMENSELY LOVABLE, “pregnancy scars” and all.

And it is SO IMPORTANT that you learn this and know this and really BELIEVE this. Sixteen years is entirely too long to go feeling this way, and in a way, I’m glad you’ve started thinking about Craigslist only because IT’S BATSHIT INSANITY. This, girl, is your wakeup call. Here, let me show you. The following are pulled from the personals section in my local Craigslist. I’m 95% certain they’re both serial killers.

Craigslist 2

FREE DICK PICS!

Craigslist 3

TELL HIM WHY HE SHOULD PICK YOU, he says!

(Here’s to hoping my husband checks my search history!)

Now. Get your beautiful ass to a therapist. This is your first, very important, most critical step. Here you will learn the tools you’ll need to help gain some of that confidence you’re lacking. Also, sit down and decide what it is that you enjoy in this world. Go out and start doing some of those things. You will find strength. You will make friends. You will learn to love yourself and let others love you back.

And then you will come back here and give us an update so that we can all look back on this post and shudder at the thought of what might have been.

Signed,

Kristine, TMH

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30 Oct
Quit Tempting Me, Stupid Halloween Candy

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Halloween is just one day away and my house is full of candy to give to Trick or Treaters. I’m trying to resist it and stick to my diet, but it’s not easy. Any tips on how to resist?

Signed,

Tempted by Treats

_________________________

Dear Tempted By Treats,

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of willpower. Not to brag, but I personally have a tremendous amount of willpower. In fact, I haven’t even touched the many SWEET JESUS I WOULD KILL FOR A F*$#ING KIT KAT bags of candy I bought for Halloween. Nope, not a single piece of candy has passed by my determined lips.

You see, Tempted, it’s important to remember that dieting OMG SNICKERS ARE LIKE CARMEL METHAMPHETAMINE is a mental game. And one needs to stay strong of mind and appreciate that your body’s health is far more important than GET INTO MY MOUF, YOU DELICIOUS PEANUT M&M BASTARDS a few moments of sugary weakness. For it is our strength that keeps us looking good and feeling good, is it not?

That’s why powerful, clearheaded women like yours truly never, ever I GONNA LICK YOU ALL OVER LIKE A STRIPPER POLE, LAFFY TAFFY even look at our Halloween candy until Halloween night. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. So my advice to you is to stop being so weak and AWWW, YEAH, 50 SHADES OF TWIX BAR pathetic and eat an apple instead. If you do that, I’ll be proud of you, but more important to note is that I JUST HAD A THREE MUSKETEERS 3-WAY AND NOW I NEED A WINE COOLER AND A CIG you’ll be proud of yourself. Go, you!

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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17 Jul
Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

So I’m a little late on this, considering my son is already 5 years old, but it’s bothered me greatly and until now have simply accepted it. My question is this: is there ANY hope for flattening the disgusting “hangover” skin over a c section scar? I know the muscles have been disfigured permanently but isn’t there something you can do to shape them?

I am not overweight and am a healthy eater, so I’m basically skinny until ……dun dun dunnn…..”the pouch.” It’s embarrassing, especially in a dress that outlines every curve. Help!

Signed,

Captain Kangaroo

__________________________________

Dear Cap’n,

You know, when you’re pregnant they really make a big deal about this “pain of childbirth” business, but where is the mention of “emotional trauma from permanent disfigurement to areas other than your labia”? I MEAN REALLY. It seems just as important as proper nipple latching.

I don’t think I have the answer you are looking for, unfortunately. Because the basic truth here is that your stomach will never look the way it did pre-pregnancy. No, I’m serious. NEVER AGAIN FOREVER AMEN. Of course, you’re not alone in this. I was spared the phenomenon of stretch marks and kangaroo pouches myself, but my breasts are scarred and the place where I used to have a bellybutton ring looks like a puncture wound. And I’ll spare you a description of my saddle bags.

(We all have our crosses to bear.)

But if the misery-loves-company technique isn’t helping you, then I think you can do one of two things. The first is surgery, but it’s not something I would recommend. Not only is it ungodly expensive, but there’s always the off chance that your husband will fall for the daughter of the doctor that performs your tummy-tuck, thus beginning his midlife crises of bad decisions and Ed Hardy. (Just ask Kate Gosselin.)

Your other option is to buy some damn Spanx, woman and just learn to love your imperfections. My eldest is also just five and I’m just now beginning to feel comfortable in this “new” body of mine. Be easy on yourself and start to look at your figure as something sexy rather than something flawed. Maybe draw a happy face on the pouch to get things started.

Work it, gurl.

Kristine, TMH

This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

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27 Apr
My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!

Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an  empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so  long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!

I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.

BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.

My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his  comments seem unwelcome.

Ack! Any advice?

Ethically Challenged

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My Dear Ethically Challenged,

As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.

What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)

But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.

The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.

The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?

Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.


He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.

But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?

Nicole, Guest TMH

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15 Mar
Does This Baby Weight Make Me Look Fat?

It’s Guest Post Thursday! I know, isn’t it weird how it just sneaks up on you every time? I swear, I’ve hardly hung up my Guest Post Thursday decorations before it’s time for Crying In The Closet Friday.But today we’re very excited to welcome one of the sweetest, coolest internets people out there—-Kristen Seymour! Kristen is young, pretty, super fit and funny and for those reasons, I should probably shun her in the lunchroom. But I won’t because I’m a BIG PERSON and she’s really, really nice. Be sure to follow her on Twitter (@kgseymour), check out her v. entertaining blogs Jeez-0-Petes and Fit Bottomed Girls and welcome her to TMH! Thanks, Kristen! — Wendi

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had a baby six months ago and still have 30 pounds to lose. (I took “eating for two” to heart, what can I say?) I really can’t afford a gym, but I don’t like exercise tapes, either. Plus I’m usually completely exhausted and want to spend the few minutes I have to myself either sleeping or using my computer. In short, I’m not motivated to exercise, but I need to do something. Any ideas?

Signed,

New Mom, New Muffintop

_______________________________

Dear NMNM,

First off, congrats on the new baby! I’m with you on the eating for two — if I wanted a baby, like, even a little bit, I would totally have one just for the extra grub I could get away with eating. Shoot, why do you think I run and swim as much as I do? TO EAT. That’s it.

So, here’s the thing. In theory, weight loss is easy — burn more calories than you consume. Piece of cake, right? Mmmmm, cake … WAIT. Stop. Sorry, that’s not helpful. Where was I?

Right. Weight loss. I’m going to give you three super simple, foolproof tips to help you drop that weight in a safe, easy way. And, I’m even going to tell you how to do it without wanting to murder anyone who dares to eat a piece of pizza in front of you. Well, probably, anyway. It kind of depends on how stabby you are to begin with. I’m going to assume you’re within normal stabby ranges when properly fed and rested; if that’s not the case, well, I cannot be held responsible.

1. Weight loss has more to do with food intake than exercise (which would explain why there are no size 6 dresses in my closet despite the mileage on my sneakers). But, you’re busy, tired, and are dealing with major life changes as you adapt to parenthood. In short, you’re probably not in a place where you want to drastically change your diet.So, rather than an overhaul, focus only on the areas where you tend to have a problem. Are you a mindless snacker? A night eater? Do you eat large portions at meals? Whatever your downfall, there’s a solution — veggies. Snack on them, eat them at night when you want something crunchy, and fill a good portion of your plate with them at dinner; you’ll feel fuller, curb cravings, and not have to deal with breaking a habit.

2. Being active is still helpful, though, so find something active that you enjoy. You mentioned not digging workout videos, but not being able to afford a gym. What is it that you would do at the gym that you can’t do at home?I mean, it’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like workout DVDs, period-the-end, but you should also know that there are a TON of different options. Like, way more out there than Jazzercize and Jane Fonda. Walking, weights, yoga, dance, you name it, it’s out there. Might be worth checking around to see if one clicks. If you find a few fitness blogs you like (cough*Fit Bottomed Girls*cough), you just might see a review of a video that doesn’t sound like a total drag.

3. Last, but far from least, enlist the help of friends. Whenever I get in a slump — and it happens to absolutely everybody, honest — I turn to anyone who’ll hear me out and give me some motivation. I rely on local friends to meet me for a run or a long walk with the dogs; I’d never get to the pool for a morning workout if someone wasn’t meeting me. And, I go to Twitter when I need a little instant motivation — there’s always someone online who’ll tell you to go get sweaty, and believe me, they’ll be there to listen once you’re done and ready to brag, too!

In the meantime, let me leave you with one other pearl of wisdom. Don’t wait until you fit back in your skinny jeans to allow yourself to feel like a hot mama. Make sure there are a couple of items in your closet that make you feel good now, at your current weight. Maybe it’s flowy dress in a great pattern — hey, I bet one of the Mouthy Housewives even has a spare caftan in her closet — or a belted tunic that shows off curves. The point is, although you should totally celebrate reaching your weight loss goals when you meet them (and you will), you should also feel beautiful now, and at every stage in between.

Good luck!

Kristen, Guest TMH

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