My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
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My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
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Does This Baby Weight Make Me Look Fat?
It’s Guest Post Thursday! I know, isn’t it weird how it just sneaks up on you every time? I swear, I’ve hardly hung up my Guest Post Thursday decorations before it’s time for Crying In The Closet Friday.But today we’re very excited to welcome one of the sweetest, coolest internets people out there—-Kristen Seymour! Kristen is young, pretty, super fit and funny and for those reasons, I should probably shun her in the lunchroom. But I won’t because I’m a BIG PERSON and she’s really, really nice. Be sure to follow her on Twitter (@kgseymour), check out her v. entertaining blogs Jeez-0-Petes and Fit Bottomed Girls and welcome her to TMH! Thanks, Kristen! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a baby six months ago and still have 30 pounds to lose. (I took “eating for two” to heart, what can I say?) I really can’t afford a gym, but I don’t like exercise tapes, either. Plus I’m usually completely exhausted and want to spend the few minutes I have to myself either sleeping or using my computer. In short, I’m not motivated to exercise, but I need to do something. Any ideas?
Signed,
New Mom, New Muffintop
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Dear NMNM,
First off, congrats on the new baby! I’m with you on the eating for two — if I wanted a baby, like, even a little bit, I would totally have one just for the extra grub I could get away with eating. Shoot, why do you think I run and swim as much as I do? TO EAT. That’s it.
So, here’s the thing. In theory, weight loss is easy — burn more calories than you consume. Piece of cake, right? Mmmmm, cake … WAIT. Stop. Sorry, that’s not helpful. Where was I?
Right. Weight loss. I’m going to give you three super simple, foolproof tips to help you drop that weight in a safe, easy way. And, I’m even going to tell you how to do it without wanting to murder anyone who dares to eat a piece of pizza in front of you. Well, probably, anyway. It kind of depends on how stabby you are to begin with. I’m going to assume you’re within normal stabby ranges when properly fed and rested; if that’s not the case, well, I cannot be held responsible.
1. Weight loss has more to do with food intake than exercise (which would explain why there are no size 6 dresses in my closet despite the mileage on my sneakers). But, you’re busy, tired, and are dealing with major life changes as you adapt to parenthood. In short, you’re probably not in a place where you want to drastically change your diet.So, rather than an overhaul, focus only on the areas where you tend to have a problem. Are you a mindless snacker? A night eater? Do you eat large portions at meals? Whatever your downfall, there’s a solution — veggies. Snack on them, eat them at night when you want something crunchy, and fill a good portion of your plate with them at dinner; you’ll feel fuller, curb cravings, and not have to deal with breaking a habit.
2. Being active is still helpful, though, so find something active that you enjoy. You mentioned not digging workout videos, but not being able to afford a gym. What is it that you would do at the gym that you can’t do at home?I mean, it’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like workout DVDs, period-the-end, but you should also know that there are a TON of different options. Like, way more out there than Jazzercize and Jane Fonda. Walking, weights, yoga, dance, you name it, it’s out there. Might be worth checking around to see if one clicks. If you find a few fitness blogs you like (cough*Fit Bottomed Girls*cough), you just might see a review of a video that doesn’t sound like a total drag.
3. Last, but far from least, enlist the help of friends. Whenever I get in a slump — and it happens to absolutely everybody, honest — I turn to anyone who’ll hear me out and give me some motivation. I rely on local friends to meet me for a run or a long walk with the dogs; I’d never get to the pool for a morning workout if someone wasn’t meeting me. And, I go to Twitter when I need a little instant motivation — there’s always someone online who’ll tell you to go get sweaty, and believe me, they’ll be there to listen once you’re done and ready to brag, too!
In the meantime, let me leave you with one other pearl of wisdom. Don’t wait until you fit back in your skinny jeans to allow yourself to feel like a hot mama. Make sure there are a couple of items in your closet that make you feel good now, at your current weight. Maybe it’s flowy dress in a great pattern — hey, I bet one of the Mouthy Housewives even has a spare caftan in her closet — or a belted tunic that shows off curves. The point is, although you should totally celebrate reaching your weight loss goals when you meet them (and you will), you should also feel beautiful now, and at every stage in between.
Good luck!
Kristen, Guest TMH
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Mouthing Off: Do My Bones Make Me Look Fat In These Jeans?
It’s become increasingly clear that Kate Middleton and her sister, she of the distinguished derriere, must have some knowledge crucial to a superpower’s security because they have obviously been given what in some circles is termed “torture-lite.” This is a practice whereby the victim is literally starved for information. Both women have become, simultaneously, über-thin and, strangely, powerful role models for young girls. Their gaunt frames are paraded on websites dedicated to pro-anorexia and severe dieting as the epitome of what a woman should strive to look like.
We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?
Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.” Or that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):
- When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away.
- Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.
- Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.
Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional. I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!
We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense. Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.
So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.
Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal. That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.
If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!
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Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post. Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.
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Bebe, Bebe, Bebe….No!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Should a grown woman shop at Bebe? You know, that skanky store in the mall? My friend buys all of her “going out” clothes there, and she looks like a desperate 40-year-old slut. What do you think?
Signed,
Act Your Age
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Dear Act Your Age,
True story: I once got completely stuck in a black tube skirt in a Bebe dressing room. Of course, this was when I was 25, so I had no pride and occasionally shopped there for “party wear,” but it was humiliating nonetheless. I still remember the look on the salesgirl’s disgusted face when she had to grab onto my ankles and yank on me like a pig stuck in a gunny sack. Seriously, I thought I’d be wearing that $59 piece of Lycra shit for the rest of my life. Or at least until the fire department showed up with a crowbar.
Ah, memories!
Anyway, where your friend wants to shop is completely up to her unless you’re A) her mother or B) paying her Visa bill. But for whatever reason, buying clothes designed by those genius Kardashians makes her feel good, so you have no right to tell her that she looks like a trampy Vegas barfly.
If you’re embarrassed to be around her when she’s all dolled up in a red bandage dress and f*ck me pumps, well, that maybe says more about you than her. So my advice is to just suck it up and deal with it because what someone wears is the least of your problems.
Unless you’re dating Jon Gosselin. That Ed Hardy crap is super nasty.
Best,
Wendi, TMH
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Help, My Husband Morphed into a Health Nut
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
About three months ago, my 40-year-old husband started becoming healthy. He eats better, he works out, and he’s lost 25 pounds. He looks amazing. The problem is, now he wants me to join him. I work out a few times a week, and I eat fairly well, but I don’t want to get over-zealous like he is. This is leading to a lot of arguments. Should I just start drinking the wheat grass and shut up?
Sincerely,
Healthy But Not Nutty
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Dear Healthy But Not Nutty,
No, you shouldn’t drink the wheat grass and shut up. What you should do is secretly check his email and text messages, because is he having an affair? I get suspicious of any middle-aged married man who takes a sudden interest in getting in shape.
Even if he isn’t cheating, I hate him anyway for losing 25 pounds in three months. I’ve been doing the 30-Day Shred religiously (I have a Jillian shrine and everything) and have only lost ten pounds in a year.
Now, we’ll assume he isn’t having an affair. We can probably also assume he doesn’t consider lifting the TV remote or running to the freezer for a scoop of ice cream “working out.” So we’re dealing with a fanatic. What to do?
First, are you healthy and hot-looking already? If so, tell him you don’t have to be an exercise zealot to look good. It may not prevent an argument, but at least you’ll have the last word, which is a desirable marriage practice here at The Mouthy Housewives.
However, the rest of society seems to find the ability to compromise a valuable marriage practice. This is the same society where grown women lust over teenage vampires, so clearly society is insane. Should we care what they think? Stand by your own exercise principles. Be an example of moderation and balance for your husband. After all, there is more to life than pumping iron.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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