Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Paid Escort
The very fabulous Becky (AKA Princess Mikkimoto) is getting married and we here at The Mouthy Housewives just love a wedding! We can’t wait for the vows, the lamb chop appetizers, dancing to “Celebration” — wait, what? We aren’t invited? Oh, dammit. Well, that won’t stop us from proclaiming ourselves bloggy bridesmaids and throwing her a little virtual shower, will it?
And, for our lovely and very considerate wedding gift to Becky, we will now list our Tips for a Perfect Wedding! (Feel free to add your own tips in the comments, but make sure they’re not as funny as ours.):
1. Wear white if you’re a virgin, but if you’re not, choose colors that coordinate with your sexual history. For example, 1-2 boyfriends, wear cream. 3-4 boyfriends, wear beige. 5-6 boyfriends, wear brown. Or, if you’re anything like Wendi’s slutty cousin Janice, wear Bedazzled tie-dye!
2. When walking down the aisle with everyone’s eyes on you, add a little flair to the event by doing a badass gangsta lean a la Fiddy Cent. The crowd will just eat it up!
3. Don’t give your guests rice to throw as it’s bad for the birds. Instead, ask them to throw large denominations of cash and/or savings bonds! (Or silver dollars, if you have strong bone density.)
4. Remember that “Gold Digger” is an underutilized, often overlooked song for your first dance. But we think Kanye West sets the perfect romantic mood.
5. A champagne toast is so 2009. Jägermeister is now the drink of choice at the classiest weddings. Plus, if your guests drink enough Jäger, then they’ll actually want to see the wedding video because they won’t be able to remember a damn thing from that evening!
6. Don’t believe your weird, bald third cousin Marvin who flew in from New Zealand when he claims that the guest who traveled the farthest gets a French kiss from the bride. He is wrong.
7. Want to make your first kiss as man and wife a little more memorable? Play a little altar grabass with your groom! (Be sure to ask the clergyman in advance to yell out, “Oh, no she D’INT!”)
8. You may be tempted to gorge on wedding cake, but remember: for every pound you put on after your wedding, you’ll lose $1,000 in alimony. (Hint: Chew on your garter belt if you feel peckish instead.)
9. When throwing your bouquet, aim for an adorable old spinster lady with dentures and try to make it land right in her kisser. People love that shit!
10. And if you enjoyed our wedding tips, don’t forget to check in from your honeymoon for our exclusive tips on how to make your honeymoon fun for everyone!
We think that pretty much wraps it up, so from all of us here at The Mouthy Housewives, we say “Mazel Tov!” (That means “Don’t do it, sister” in Hebrew, yes?)
And for more of Becky’s fun, bridal shower joy, please click over to her other virtual bridesmaids!
Ann at AnnsRants
Lisa at Smacksy
Suzy at Hot Comes to Die
Jessica at BernThis
Ellie at One Crafty Mother
Amy at I Have More Rocks
Congratulations, Becky! We wish you a beautiful wedding and a beautiful life together! And don’t forget, we’re always here to listen to your problems (for a small fee.)
Best,
Wendi, Kelcey, Marinka & Heather
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Tattoos are Not Wedding Appropriate
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I want to include my 3 sisters in my wedding as bridesmaids. The problem is I don’t really get along with one of them. I thought I could get over it and just let her do it anyway to avoid family problems, but she just got the UGLIEST tattoo on her right arm, which would be really hard to cover up. I really don’t want her to be in the wedding now. It is shallow, but I don’t want her tattoo (of Insane Clown Posse Juggalo ax murderer guy) to ruin my pictures.
We already don’t get a long (AT ALL) and she lives a few states away. I don’t know if it is ok to include my other 2 sisters and not her. I don’t want to damage things between us anymore but now I really don’t think I can be ok with her being a part of my wedding… How do I deal with this?!
Signed,
I Wish I Only Had Two Sisters
_______________________________________________
Dear I Wish,
I just booked you and your fiancé a flight to Las Vegas. An Elvis impersonator will marry you at the Avoid Family Drama Wedding Chapel and you can party the night away with Celine Dion, far from the Insane Clown Posse or their fans. Problem solved. Well, except that you’ll still have three sisters and now all three of them will be pissed that they weren’t bridesmaids.
This is what I hate about weddings. We spend our entire life cleverly sweeping family problems under the rug and then a stupid wedding brings out all the dysfunction in one mighty swoop. It can be a lot to handle – especially for the bride.
But remember, when it comes to a wedding, you can never undo the decisions you make. You leave your loud mouthed Aunt Helen off the guest list and you’ll feel a tinge of regret every time she calls to sing you Happy Birthday. You choose aqua colored floor length bridesmaid dresses, your maid of honor will always remind you that it clashed with everyone’s skin tones. So you have to make your bridal decisions carefully.
I understand your sister is not your favorite person but you must ask her to be a bridesmaid. It will cause so much family upset to leave her out. You don’t have to love her, but you do have to include her. Of course, if she has ever slept with your fiancé or she’s a serial killer, then you’re off the hook. But if neither of these exceptions apply, she must be in the wedding party.
As for the hideous tattoo, hire a make-up artist who is skilled at covering such things up. Or have your sister wear a long sleeve dress. And then forget about it. This is your day to focus on your husband-to-be and your life together and no one can take that away from you.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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