06 Jul
A Housewife Says Good-Bye

Sad news, everyone. Today the Mouthy Housewives say good-bye to our partner-in-advice-crime, Tonya. Tonya is much beloved by all of us for her smart, sassy writing, her humor, her generosity and, most important,  her rather arcane (and disturbing) knowledge of prison terminology. We wish her the best of luck with the baby she’ll be a birthin’ this summer and sincerely hope she’ll pop back in here from time to time with some of her loveliness. All our love to you, T-Bird. It was a blast. xoxo

Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,

Adieu, Adieu To You and You and You…

It’s hard to say goodbye. I’ve been working on this post for some time. In between episodes of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. So, now, if I could bedazzle this post and wrap it in skintight spandex I totally would!

It’s been such a difficult decision, but this pregnancy hasn’t been easy and I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to focus when this baby finally does make her grand entrance. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to leave The Mouthy Housewives.

I raise my pimp cup (right now full of apple juice, but VERY SOON to be replaced by a nice rosé) to these amazing women! I am so grateful to them for letting me into their clubhouse! And to you guys for being such awesome readers and commenters! I will truly miss this kickass community.

Now, before I go, I feel like I should use these last moments to confess a few things:

First, Marinka: I have been substituting Franzia for tequila in the TMH margarita machine. Then secretly selling special ‘spiked’ lemonade to the PTA. Unfortunately, all of the profits I made have been invested into what I recently discovered is a pyramid scheme. So, I’m sorry I can’t pay you back, but I can offer you a lovely bit of property in the middle of the Hudson River.

Second, Wendi: I was the one who drew mustaches and devil’s horns on all the Barry Manilow posters. I was also the one who crossed out his name and wrote “Barely Man-enough.” I know I said it was Kristine, but I just can’t live with the guilt anymore.

Third, Kelcey:, It wasn’t mice that chewed off the hair of your Justin Bieber doll. It was me. I was trying to give him a punk rock hair-do. Obviously, he just can’t pull it off. Sorry.

Finally, Kristine: I’ve been Fed-Exing all those bugs you’ve been finding. Texas doesn’t really have any native insects. It’s all me. I just wanted to add some excitement to your home. You’re welcome!

Okay, well, now with a clear conscience and a tear-soaked hanky I say Adieu.

Love, Tonya

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16 Apr
The Tax Man Cometh. Apparently, He Doesn’t Take Coupons.

Tomorrow is Tax Day in America and we at the Mouthy Housewives have been eating bon-bons by the bucketful to ease the pain. We just realized that so many of the things we rely on aren’t tax deductible!

So, we’ve decided to put together a list for the IRS to put in place before next year. Maybe by then Wendi will no longer be hogging the box of Zinfandel while crying in the closet.

Medical and Dental Expenses

Case of Costco Pinot Grigio (Doctor’s orders! And by Doctor we mean the owner of our local liquor store)

Botox (we read a study that showed those with Botox had less anger,or at least were able to express less anger, so, let’s call this “Anger Management”)

40 Gallons of chocolate chip ice cream (it’s like frozen Prozac!)

Charitable Contributions

Muumuus for the nudists who live next door (Neighborhood beautification)

Suspenders for Larry of the Neighborhood Watch (trust us…this helps EVERYONE!)

Educational Expenses

Year subscription to Us Weekly  and In Touch 

There was that time we called long distance to Switzerland to order special anti-wrinkle cream and we had to use our 8th grade French

Cable TV (so we can stay current on important issues like Bridezillas, The Bachelor, and Dance Moms)

Business Use of Home

Storage of daughter’s 200 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies (this may or may not…ok, may, include the subsequent purchase and devouring of said 200 boxes of cookies and then a necessary personal trainer)

Carpet cleaner and interior painter for that fateful Monday night when Book Club became Fight Club (We can’t talk about it…)

Business Use of Car

Impromptu trip to Mexico for select members of PTA (To taste test margaritas for next PTA fundraiser)

Driving Mother-in-law home 3000 miles when her flight was cancelled (Also includes the price of a stun gun and duct tape)

What do you think, have we missed anything?

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12 Apr
My 7 Year Old Neighbor Thinks She Owns Our Home! I Think She Needs to Get Some Manners And Go Away!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

The little girl next door is pushy and doesn’t take direction very well. She’s 7, and likes to pop in to visit with my 4 year old. That’s all fine and good, except she has poor houseguest manners.

For example, she doesn’t ring our doorbell; she just lets herself in our (gated) backyard to play. And when she does ring the doorbell, she simply barges right in as soon as I open the door. She’s nosy, takes spare change from my house and lets herself in uninvited.

I’ve told her mother about all of these things, but I’ve tried to keep it light-hearted– I don’t want to start a feud with my neighbors. But yesterday she came to the door while we were coloring Easter eggs. My son was happy to see her, so I let her in and asked her to join us. She did but was a little snotty about it: “We make prettier ones at our house.” Then it came time for her to go since I was getting dinner on the table so I said, “Would you like to take an egg with you?” She replied, “I’d like four.” I said that I was going to be having these eggs with our family. She said she had colored four, so she wanted four. I said one or two was enough; we have two little kids at home and we aren’t making any more. As I started towards the door, the little brat grabbed four eggs, stuffed them in the dye kit box and left, yelling, “I took my four!”

Her attitude stinks like a rotten egg. Do I say something more to her mother? Or do I let it go, and just try not to let her in?

Signed,
The Goose With Four Less Golden Eggs

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Dear Goose,

Before you speak with the mother there are a few things you may want to purchase:

  • Electrical fence
  • Home security alarm system
  • New deadbolts for the front and back doors. I hear they even make the fingerprint kind! If you’re going to do it, why not make it fun like Star Trek?
  • Stun gun
  • Sprinkler system that is activated by unauthorized motion
  • A guard dog. Or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s up to you to enforce the boundaries you need. Neighbor issues can be very tricky. While you can certainly speak with her mother, it seems that the little girl’s lack of respect for adults and unwillingness to accept the word “no” probably stem from her home life. Which means that it’s probable her mother won’t do anything to stop her daughter’s behavior.

For your happiness and that of your family you must establish firm limits. And while your son may really love this little girl and enjoy playing with her, perhaps she isn’t the best playmate for him to have around. You certainly don’t want to teach your child that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

And while it’s possible that the list above may be slightly over the top (maybe), I do believe that you should purchase a lock for your back gate and look into getting a chain lock for your door. This way, when you answer it, the little girl isn’t able to simply push her way in. (Or when she knocks, don’t answer at all.)

You may also want to call the Kardashians and ask them if it’s possible they are missing a child?

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

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30 Mar
Quick Call Joe Francis! My Neighbor Thinks Her Front Yard is Girls Gone Wild!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My neighbor, a 40-year-old single woman, has recently started sunbathing in her front yard. She just puts a towel on the grass and spreads out in her bikini. (And not to be catty, but she’s no model.) I find this incredibly tacky, especially since we live in a very upscale neighborhood. Also, she has a huge backyard where she can do this. I don’t know if she’s trying to get attention or what, but I can’t stand to see her out there. Should I say something?

Signed,

Not Larry Flynt

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Dear I’m Sorry You’re Not The Porn King,

It certainly sounds like your neighbor, let’s call her Tara Reid, is in desperate need of attention. Normally, I’d suggest a subtle discussion with her but before you do that, perhaps you might think about becoming a more “helpful” neighbor and assisting her in this sad quest toward getting noticed:

-      Put up a FOR SALE sign in her front yard. Clearly she wants a buyer for what she’s got on offer.

-      Have your kids set up a lemonade and ticket stand. This way your family can make some money off the show! Win – win!

-      Put crime scene tape around her front yard and outline her usual sunning spot in chalk.

-      Make yourself available to chat whenever she’s outside. It’s imperative to talk incessantly, and in detail, about your recent colonoscopy procedure.

-      Spread a rumor to all the neighborhood children that whoever can tell Tara Reid the longest family vacation story will get a new iPpad! From her. Shhhhhhhh…

-      Sprinkle birdseed all over her lawn so that the front of her house will look like a remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds. Everyone just loves that movie!

If all of the above fail to gain her the notoriety or dates that she so desires it might just be time to sit Ms. Reid down for a little chat. It’s possible that Tara has partied so hard she doesn’t even remember she has a backyard to take advantage of! Or maybe she doesn’t realize the possible impact she may be having on the neighborhood tween boys?

Most of the time I’m a “live and let live” kind of gal. But as someone who also has a neighbor who shows a little too much skin (in EVERY kind of weather! It’s like the man doesn’t own a shirt!) their decision of exposure does, in fact, have an impact on all of us who live around them and they need to be made aware of it. At the end of the day, after the talk, Tara Reid may no longer be your friendly neighbor but, in all honesty, was she really that before?

Good Luck!

Tonya, TMH

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Don’t forget to enter our Guess The Mouthy giveaway! Correctly guess the author of Wednesday’s advice for a chance to win a copy of both Heather Armstrong‘s & Jill Smokler‘s new books. (Contains Amazon Affiliate links.)

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23 Mar
No Coveting My Caregiver!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a high school teacher and I happen to have an ex-student (five years out) as my Nanny. We love her. However, my Nanny’s mother now works in my school building and has become very close with a co-worker who has young children as well.

I heard from a friend who also works at the school that the mother’s friend/my co-worker is intending on asking my Nanny to work for her next year. This is really stressing me out. Not to mention, I cannot wrap my head around someone doing this to another co-worker! I don’t know if my Nanny will bite but I am positive that the co-worker’s offer will double her income because the other woman has two kids.

I will be hurt as I was a mentor to this kid for years but she is a kid. My peer, however, will be dead to me. How can I continue to work with her? How do I confront her? Do I wait until the deed is done or try to intercept and make her feel guilty?

Signed,

Step Off My Nanny!

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Dear Step Off,

Geez! Where do you work? Is it on Wisteria Lane?

Frankly, I’m not all that surprised. Some women (and men) may graduate from high school but their maturity never moves beyond it. But instead of taking jock boyfriends or popular BFFs these women now lure away nannies and husbands and contractors.  Sometimes they even come over to your house and admire your sofa and throw pillows and then before you know it their living room is an exact replica of your living room and they are telling all the friends you share in common how YOU stole THEIR design idea so then you have to spread a rumor that they have to get their entire face waxed, on a weekly basis, because they used to be the bearded lady’s stand-in at the local circus…err, or so I’ve heard. I try to avoid those kinds of people. I certainly don’t invite them over to admire my living room.

I know some women like to avoid confrontation. I, on the other hand, believe wholeheartedly in being open and honest and trying to stop a situation before it gets out of hand. So I suggest that you bring up the matter with the soon to be “nanny stealer.” It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Just explain to your co-worker how much your nanny means to your family, how much your child loves her, relies on her, and trusts her. Tell her that you had heard — rightly or wrongly — that she may be in the process of asking your nanny to leave and come to work for her. Tell her how much this loss would hurt you, not to mention the huge burden your family would have to endure in trying to find someone as trustworthy.

At the very least your co-worker will know she is a total douche when/if she steals her away. And you can always spread a rumor about her out of control facial hair or her three nipples.

You might also think about giving your nanny a raise, if you can afford it. Just in case your coworker does approach her. It can be just a small amount, or, perhaps, if that would be too much of a financial burden, maybe simply sit your Nanny down and tell her how much she means to you and your family. You could even ask her if there is anything (non-monetary) that could be done to make her even happier.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

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