Because You Can’t Keep A Teenager In A Cage. Even Though You Should.
The word “teenager” strikes fear into many a heart, more than “zombies” or “apocalypse” or “Jerry Springer for President” ever could. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a parent who doesn’t have some back-up plan in place for when their precious son or daughter turns into that moody, self-absorbed, hormonal monster from ages 13-19. This usually involves some form of confinement like boarding school, a mountain cabin, or crate training. And the reason for this is that we are all terrified; scared of the poor decisions our teenagers will make, the least of which is whether or not to give in to peer pressure.
How do we know to be this fearful? Because we’ve all been there! At 15, I remember thinking it was completely reasonable to do a beer bong after three wine coolers at a party where my friend and I knew absolutely no one. Because being a drunk teenage girl in the middle of a house full of strangers is completely safe.
My mother and step-father were cops so I did, in fact, know better. To this day, my sister and I can recite verbatim a fair number of stories where our mom had to be the one to knock on a parent’s door and tell them their teenager had been killed in a drunk driving accident. And yet, we didn’t listen. It’s only by sheer luck that we are both still here.
These days, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. For example, my son is able to wear whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means I’m accompanying a pirate to the grocery store in the middle of summer. But when I think of his teenage years, I become less laid back. I still believe in giving a child the space and freedom to make choices. However, I also know that once those hormones kick in and there’s a driver’s license involved, all logic goes out the window and peer pressure is paramount. In those instances, a device like Soberlink can be instrumental. If you have a teenager, take a few minutes to check this out:
In my opinion, there are just some situations where a choice shouldn’t be an option. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you use something like Soberlink when your teenager takes the car out for a night on the town?
- Tonya, TMH
Thank you to Soberlink for sponsoring this post.
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Roommate Unwanted
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother in law’s kitchen burned down which led to damage to the rest of the house, so she and her 16 year-old son are staying with us for a while. But it’s only been 2 weeks and, already, I can’t take it anymore. She’s a conniving, two-faced drama queen. It never bothered me before because we rarely saw her. Now my husband, 2 year old and I share our apartment with her and her son.
They have taken over my life. I haven’t had a minute alone with my husband since they got here. She won’t eat my food, and when she cooks she turns my kitchen into a salmonella- infested war zone. They don’t knock. They’re filthy. They’re loud. They are everything I hate in this world. But… she has nowhere else to go.
I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. How can I get her to respect that it’s my house and that I need privacy, peace and quiet, without having her throw an award winning sob fest while making me look like a monster? Help!
Signed,
Frustrated
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Dear Frustrated,
Living in such close quarters with so many people would be maddening under the best of circumstances. Your situation, however, sounds like an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, peppered with a little bit of Super Nanny and infused with Hoarders.
As much as you cannot change her or your brother-in-law’s behavior, you can absolutely lay some ground rules. Any success with that, however, is probably going to be contingent on your husband. This is his mother, and if she’s prone to drama and victim-playing, it will be much easier for him to establish an understanding without her pegging you as some sort of tyrant.
As awkward as it may be at first, some firmness and rules should help relieve some of your stress. It’s not unfair for you to request that she clean up after cooking, for instance. Both you and your toddler can be more susceptible to viruses and infection; her selfishness and laziness should not be catered to at the expense of your health. Of course, delivery is key, so avoid phrases like “I hate you” or “you’re ruining my life” or “here’s the number to the motor lodge.” Instead opt for phrases such as “to help us all feel more comfortable” or “to avoid conflict” or “so that I don’t end up duct-taping you and your son and throwing you both in a hall closet.” That kind of thing.
Now, if the discussion turns into a confrontation, try to work on the problem from another angle. Reach out to her friends or other family to see if they can host them for even just a week at a time. Also, consider overseeing or helping to expedite the clean-up process at her house, since it will only benefit you in the long run. Whatever you do, be selfish. Advocate for yourself in your own home, and get your husband’s complete support in dealing with his I’m-sure-she’s-lovely-but-omfg-I’m-glad-she’s-not-mine mother.
Godspeed,
Kristine, TMH
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My Son Thinks I’m A Buzzkill!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 17 year-old son (18 in December) has decided he is going to start making his own decisions and stop living by my rules. This means he is going to continue to smoke pot when he’s hanging out with his friends. I’ve restricted him three times already and began drug testing, but it doesn’t help. Unless I lock him up and throw away the key, he said he will continue to get stoned because he likes the way it makes him feel. He thinks I should look the other way and let him smoke pot as long as he keeps his grades up, has a job, and is not getting into any trouble. By the way, his father and I are divorced, and my ex-husband doesn’t really want to push the issue with him. Thoughts, suggestions, or am I overreacting?
Signed,
Mary Jane
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Dear Mary Jane,
First, my heart goes out to you. This sounds like an incredibly difficult and scary situation to be in, and you’ve clearly been busting your ass to try to make things work. Regarding the should-I-just-let-him-smoke-pot issue, my response, is a resounding NO EFFING WAY. Because it’s clear to me that it’s not okay with you.
The bottom line is that, regardless of his age, he’s still living in your home. So, if we ignore the whole drug issue momentarily, we still have the fundamental problem of rule-breaking and blatant disrespect. To put it mildly: your son is being a total jerk. (The good news is that we can still love our children even while they’re being jerky. I’ve verified this with my own kids.)
This testing of boundaries and independence is certainly a natural part of growing up, but it doesn’t mean we as parents should just look the other way. Exactly why your son has turned to drugs is a serious issue that needs to be explored. I would strongly recommend seeking a support network and talking about this with an experienced family therapist. Family counseling can be invaluable when the child views you as an enemy rather than an ally. A mediator can get those lines of communication back open. (Which is nice, since kids don’t seem to respond well to the I LABORED FOR 24 HOURS WITH YOU, YOU SELFISH SONOFA–)
If you can’t get your son to agree to counseling, you might need to take extreme measures. (And I think physical restraints are “frowned upon,” unfortunately.) Since keeping him in your home is essentially enabling the very behavior you’re trying to curb, you might need to help him find alternate living arrangements until he’s ready to function as a responsible, respectful adult. You certainly deserve that much as his mother.
We all wish you luck,
Kristine, TMH
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My Mother is Mad as Hell and I Can’t Take It Anymore
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
As the teenage daughter of what I’d like to describe as one hell of an overbearing mother, I have a question. Is there any surefire way to calm down an angry mother? My problem is simple: my mother gets mad and stays mad at me for things that are often as simple as me putting my jacket on the back of my seat as opposed to hanging it on a coat rack.
Is there any honest-to-god way to placate my mother? Because I’ve noticed that reminding her that “Hey, at least I’m not a druggie” and “We’re all going to die someday, what’s the big deal?” do NOT work at all.
Signed,
Too Much Mama Drama
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Dear Mama Drama,
You know why your mom is so damn bat crazy mad? Because she has been telling you to hang up your jacket for ten years. Ten years. And she’s had it. JUST HANG UP THE JACKET FOR GOSH SAKES!!!!! THE HOOK IS RIGHT THERE!!!
And she’s probably stressed out about other stuff like her crap boss, bills, her allergies and that faucet upstairs that won’t stop leaking even though the plumber has come three god damn times. And some of this anger gets misdirected at you. Just this morning, I spent 20 minutes yelling at my husband about the way he brews coffee when I was really upset about my daughters having separation anxiety on the first day of camp.
I suggest the following….
1. Hang up your coat. We’ll all wait while you go do it now. See, doesn’t it look nice on the rack instead of thrown over that chair? I don’t know about you but I feel better already.
2. During a calm time, talk to your mother about your feelings. Say that you are trying your hardest to please her but you feel like she is mad at you all the time. Just talking about things can make all the difference. (And no you can not substitute texting, emailing or Skyping for talking.) Try to figure out ways the two of you can communicate and coexist better together.
3. Whenever you can, be nice to your mom. Tell her about your day. Keep eyeball rolling to a minimum. Try not to groan when she asks you do something. Bring home her favorite chocolate malt balls. Tell her you love her. All of these things will hopefully make your mom feel warm and fuzzy. And a lot less mad.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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My Teen Doesn’t Care About School So I’m Going Bald
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My son is in the 8th grade and is generally a good kid, however he has become mouthy. Nothing too bad (no cussing or nasty things), but he is condescending to both his father and me. Already this school year we have been fighting about homework and that’s when he gets mouthy.
He could care less about homework or doing well in school. I am pulling my hair out because I can’t make him care. I have hired a tutor and tried taking away privileges. His homework is posted online so I check to see what needs to be done. I remind and encourage him to do his work, which I know is the reason he won’t take responsibility for his own work.
I worry that he will end up failing this year because I am not “supporting” him. I never do his homework for him, I only check to see what needs to be done and remind him on a daily basis. I feel like he is barely staying afloat and I am his life preserver. If I take the preserver off, he will surely drown. Please help!
Signed,
Harried by Homework
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Dear Harried,
From what I hear teenagers suck, so the sooner we accept that the faster serenity will come, especially if serenity comes in a martini glass, which for me it does. But even if they suck, we still love them and want the best for them.
I know the media likes to blame the advent of helicopter parenting on our insecure egos, but between you and me, I like to blame school technology. Do I really need an email every time my 4th grader takes an Accelerated Reader test? I have to wonder whether all of the internet checks and balances promotes too much mommy involvement and hampers life’s lessons in personal responsibility.
Your son is in 8th grade now. Sure, ask if he’s finished his homework, but perhaps it’s time to stop tracking his assignments so closely. If you don’t believe your son is capable of learning responsibility, how will he believe in himself?
Assuming you’ve ruled out any learning disabilities, your son has probably reached an age where it’s time to let go a little more. Now, I’m not too sure about a “sink or swim” approach. I think I’d lean more towards a “do well in school or face castration!” approach. That usually scares teenage boys into submission, especially if you whisper words such as “eunuch” to him while he sleeps.
If that approach seems a bit extreme to you, I guess you could do something very sensible, like a mature conversation about the importance of education, defining your expectations (Are Cs acceptable, nothing below a B?), how you’re willing to help him and how you’re not, and consequences for irresponsible, dunce-y behavior. And let’s not forget an enticing reward for success, such as keeping his testicles!
This whole parenting thing is tough, which is why I’m convinced God gave us alcohol. I hope I’ve given you some ideas of what to do, or at the very least prevented any further bald patches on your gorgeous head.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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