What Do You Think About Sharing Your Safe Sex Spot?
The Mouthy Housewives support safe sex. And family values. And access to birth control. And Planned Parenthood.
Vote for The Mouthy Housewives for President!
But recently we saw a website that made us wonder:
Go ahead, click on it!
As far as we can tell, Where Did You Wear It is a site that highlights the importance of using condoms, both in terms of preventing pregnancy (98% effective!) and preventing transmittal of STDs (hey, when did we stop calling them venereal diseases? 1800′s? Ok!)
The idea of the site is that you can check in where you’re using the condoms. College students in Western Washington are getting condoms that have a code on the wrapper that they can scan with their phones to register on Where Did You Wear It?
And you thought your Friday night was romanic.
We love it because we love everything that promotes safe sex and discussion about safe sex.
But we are also wondering if social media is going a bit far?
And also about why anyone over 49 is lumped with everyone from 50 year olds to Methuselah.
What do you think?
Good thing? Or going too far?
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Marriage Wide Open?
Continuing our toast to testosterone here at The Mouthy Housewives:
We have Greg from one of my favorite blogs: DogsonDrugs.com. Don’t worry he doesn’t advocate for putting our household pets on medication, although I’m not sure he’s necessarily against it. What he does do is answer a weekly hypothetical on his own blog (which makes him perfect for doling out advice here). He’s answered questions like: If you could be 5 again, would you? and How much money would a bank have to possess before you’d consider robbing it? You know, the really pertinent stuff we all need to know the answers to. — Tonya
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A couple of weeks ago when Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife said in an interview that he proposed an open marriage to her, I discussed the subject with my husband. I asked him if an open marriage appealed to him and he said “of course! It appeals to every man!”
WHAT?
Is this true? And is my closed marriage doomed?
Signed,
Confused
Wait, you asked your husband if an open marriage appealed to him? Really? How long before he was running out the front door without pants? Ten seconds? Twenty? I bet you were regretting that move when he came home wearing an orgy ‘stache, reeking of massage oil and Astroglide. What were you thinking?
Well, I’ll tell you what you were thinking. You were thinking that men are like women and will decipher a question for its hidden meaning and respond accordingly. Here’s how this conversation would’ve gone if you had tried it out on your best friend first:
You: Do you think my husband would find an open marriage appealing?
Friend: (Hmmm, what’s she getting at here? I think she’s trying to tell me that she’s feeling insecure, but I’m not sure why.) Oh, don’t be crazy. Jim is nuts about you, he’d never even think about something like that!
You: Thanks! You’re probably right. Hey! Let’s watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood again!
(Note that my mental image of how women interact with each other is slightly skewed.)
But guys are way more literal. So when you said, “Does an open marriage appeal to you?”, here’s what he heard: ”Does an open marriage appeal to you?” Crazy, huh? And so he answered honestly. But what he didn’t tell you was that while something may appeal to him, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is something that he would want to do.
For instance, I may find the idea of sitting on the couch, drinking beer, and surfing hillbilly porn all day appealing, but in reality I wouldn’t want to do that. I know that I need to lead a richer and more rewarding life, and so I’ll take a break every ten hours or so or maybe switch to whiskey.
Likewise, and let’s be honest here, you’ve probably thought about doing all kinds of crazy, dirty, nasty, slutty things to Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds, or (if you’re severely brain damaged) Carrot Top. And did you think those things because the CIA beamed thought control waves at you and forced you to think them? No, you thought them because they appeal to you, at least in theory. In practice, you are a married woman. Also Bradley Cooper is gay, and Ryan Reynolds has a conjoined twin growing out of his forehead that they remove via special effects. (His twin’s name is Oscar, by the way, and Oscar spits at women and Latinos whenever he gets the chance. His favorite color is blue.)
But the point here is that you shouldn’t worry when you find out that certain things appeal to your husband. Instead, you should be understanding and encourage him to tell you about other things he finds erotic, or titillating. Hahaha, just kidding. Trust me, you do NOT want to know what’s going on in that guy’s head. Guys are filthy, disgusting, perverts who cannot walk thirty feet in public without thinking of something that would make Larry Flynt cry. But that doesn’t mean he would actually go ahead and do them, which is exactly why your closed marriage is safe.
Good Luck!
Signed,
Greg, DogsonDrugs.com
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Help! My Friend’s Kids Are Sick With The Ick And I think It’s A Trick!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a very close friend whom I’ve known since childhood. We lost touch, and then reconnected after we’d both married and had kids. She’s sweet, warm and kind but lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that she might be suffering from Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy.
Her two young, high maintenance children are always sick. She works part-time at a hospital to make ends meet, so I just assumed she was bringing viruses home from work. But it seems like every day they have caught some new, terrible plague or are going to the ER. And she tells everyone about it on Facebook. Even her closest friends are starting to reply to her posts with, “Again?? Really??”
She has a lot of the classic red flags- She used to have a severe eating disorder, she has anxiety and self esteem issues, and she’s very clingy with her kids-she doesn’t like them to be out of her reach very often. Her marriage is often rocky. Yet for some reason, she even keeps talking about wanting more kids.
I hate to think my good friend could be doing something awful, but the more I read about the disorder and compare the information to her, the more uncomfortable I feel about it. I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Cautiously Concerned
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Dear Cautiously Concerned,
Before we begin to discuss your friend, let’s talk about the Internet for a minute. First, I understand your anxious researching of symptoms. I, myself, am an expert in this. In fact, at this moment I am probably dying from African trypanosomiasis. The problem is that while I have most of the symptoms of this disease, in reality, an illness tends to be more complicated than a simple checklist.
The other thing to keep in mind about the glorious interweb and its social networking, is that some people confuse Mark Zuckerberg’s creation with actual therapy sessions. It’s also hard to really know a person from their Facebook posts. For instance, most of my FB friends assume I’m only interested in images of cats in costumes but this is not the entire picture. I also like photos of dogs in funny hats. So it’s important not to put too much diagnostic weight on anyone’s Facebook status.
Now, on to your friend. Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSbP) is a serious and extremely complicated condition. One of the main problems in its diagnosis has to do with the similarities to an actual, organic issue with a child. It is possible that the stress in the household has caused the two children to have anxiety or depression that can manifest itself in physical ways. It’s also possible that there is something in the home that could be causing all types of illnesses, such as a mold infestation. Or the kids are just being the petri dishes of bacteria that most children really are. I’m not saying that MSbP couldn’t be happening but I’m also not saying that it is. It’s important in a situation such as this to rule out other possible causes.
Also, anxiety, depression and being a helicopter mom do not necessarily translate into MSbP. The eating disorder early on in her life was probably a symptom of her anxiety and depression and is not necessarily indicative of someone who will grow up to abuse her children. Certainly, these days, with Kate Middleton, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel Zoe as role models it’s difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have an eating disorder or is not contemplating one. (Does the Grapefruit Diet work?)
You seem like a really good friend. And there may be reason to worry, but before jumping to conclusions (don’t worry, we all do it) I’d suggest a serious sit down with her. Try and get her to open up about her marriage, the stresses in her life, and how she may or may not be dealing with them very well. If you are still extremely concerned, keep track of how often her children are sick or in the hospital and how she reacts to these situations then seek the advice of a medical professional. Even then, I would proceed with extreme caution.
Good Luck to you and your friend,
Tonya, TMH
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The Case of The Beer Drinking Breastfeeder
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby. All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.
To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.
This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.
Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!
Signed,
Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?
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Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,
First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.
It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.
That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.
I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.
Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.
Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.
This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.
Good Luck,
Tonya TMH
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Mouthing Off: Halloween Horror
We here at The Mouthy Housewives (also known as “The Houthy Mousewives” after two bottles of Pinot Noir) love Halloween because, well, we literally get to steal candy from babies. This year, however, our excitement has been a bit dulled by the horror we’ve been experiencing whilst shopping for our children’s costumes, and not horror in a good way like watching for another “nip slip” from Nancy Grace.
Some of the costumes we came across simply made us realize that costume makers must drink…a lot. And not in a “few glasses of wine each night with dinner” kind of way, more in a “doing beer bongs, dancing on tables and waking up in your mailman’s front yard with nothing on but his mailbag and a pile of letters for a pillow” kind of way (What? It happens!). Take a look:
But then we found these costumes, which made us feel torn: should we call Child Services or vomit on our Slankets? We decided to do both. Because we know that for twenty-something, on-the-prowl co-eds and women with the last name “Kardashian,” Halloween is a time for dressing as your favorite porn actress. But when exactly did that become acceptable (not that it is even for those of age) for children—especially young girls—to dress up this way?
Halloween is a time for imagination and creativity to run wild. A time when our children are able to be anything or anyone they wish to be. This world of possibilities, however, should NEVER EVER include eroticizing an innocent child. By doing so, we rob them of their childhood and, in most cases, their sense of self worth. Sexualizing a child, a tween, or even a teenager is disgusting and inexcusable.
Happy Halloween? It will be if nobody wears those stupid costumes.
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