Whistle While You Work, Just Not While You Zumba, Jerkface
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently really gotten into Zumba at the gym. It’s fun and burns lots of calories, but my favorite part is just going and cutting off my brain for and hour and de-stressing. Unfortunately, in the past two months, some crazy person has started whistling up a storm at almost nonhuman pitch and volume all during class. They really go to town if the instructor does anything “sexy.”
While I know that Zumba is a fun, dancey class, the constant high pitched noise is making me livid, to the point that I want to figure out who’s doing it and go smack them. I feel really petty that this bothers me so much and every class I try to tune it out and be Zen and all, but it’s so annoying that I feel I’m just going to have to cut out the Zumba all together.
Am I right to feel that the gym is not a strip club and you should not detract from a stress relieving exercise class or am I just being a total bitch? I think I’m a pretty nice person and it bothers me that I can’t seem to be cool with the whistling. I even put in a request in the gym suggestion box that it be discouraged and of course it was laughed off as a joke. Thanks for hearing me out.
Signed,
Zumba Zombie
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Dear Zumba Zombie,
(Full disclosure: I have a headache right now and wisely decided to treat it with Chardonnay and Allegra-D. I am therefore not responsible forf;kv;eakv;eklj;l, the weird crap I may say.) (Oh, shut up. Dear Abby did the same thing.)
Good for you, problem-haver, that you’re doing a workout you like! I, for one, have never tried Zumba because anything where lively, rhythm based dancing is involved gives me the big itchy hives. Alas, tis what’s kept me out of Brazil for my entire life.
But even though I can’t relate to your Zumba experience, I can definitely relate to being pissed off by a jerkface in exercise class. In fact, there are two women in my Yogarobayates class who never, ever stop talking to each other. They think they’re sooooo hilarious as they stretch and reach and discuss what they’re cooking for dinner that night. I’ve seriously considered strangling them with a wet yoga strap, only my biceps are usually too tired to pull it off.
But my low-muscle tone issues aside, what I have done is email the owner of my gym and tell her that those two women are super annoying and that they undermine the teachers’ instructions. After all, you’re supposed to be paying attention to what the instructors say and any weird distraction like whistling might mean you stop paying attention and get injured. Therefore, it’s obviously in the best interest of the gym owner to silence the Zumba Moron, right? (This totally worked for me and the gym owner told them to STFU.)
That’s why I advise you to be a hip shaking Norma Rae and get your toned butt down to the gym manager’s office and tell them in no uncertain terms that the WHISTLING MUST CEASE. It is the instructor’s responsibility to make sure that this no longer happens, so make sure you assert yourself and say so. Chances are this person is bothering many other people in the class, too.
Sometimes causing an aural disturbance is almost as offensive as causing a physical disturbance. So you are totally in the right to complain and I really hope you do so. After all, every whistler need a whistle blower to shut him down.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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I’ll Tumble 4 Ya
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I found out that my 15 year old daughter has a girlfriend. I can’t let her know, because to do so would give away that I was reading her tumblr, and that’s sort of like reading a diary.
So I’m pretty cool with it all… I’m not going all psycho “Oh no, is my daughter really gay? My life is over!” melodramatic or anything. (I honestly think she’s just in an experimental stage, and even if she’s not, I’m not freaking out. She is what she is, and I happen to think she’s really awesome.)
The problem is this: her girlfriend also has a tumblr and posted a photo of herself kissing my daughter. She also talked about her beautiful girlfriend using my daughter’s real first name. So there are photos of my daughter kissing “Beth”, along with my daughter’s first name on “Beth’s”tumblr.
A tumblr is totally public. Anyone can see it, and follow their way from one to another like I did. I am worried about someone from their school finding it and potentially making her life difficult, but I can’t really discuss it with her without letting her know I was cyber-stalking her. Help!
Signed,
Troubled by Tumblr
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Dear Troubled,
First things first: I’m thoroughly relieved to see that you are approaching this situation with an open mind, love, and acceptance. Without those ingredients your task would be even more daunting and problematic. (As if dealing with a teenager of any kind isn’t daunting and problematic enough to begin with.)
That said, I think you have answered your own question here. Her tumblr account is public, right? So, why should you feel ashamed that you TUMBLED upon it? (See what I did there?) This can actually be a really great teachable moment for her when it comes to online privacy and safety. For us parents, it’s easier to see the dangers of the online world, but for our kids, who have grown up entrenched in the culture, it can be more challenging to gain that perspective.
But before you proceed with a plan, I think there’s one question you need to ask for yourself: is it really her online safety that you are concerned with? Or do you feel that you need to reconnect with your daughter in light of this new information? Maybe it’s a bit of both? Because I think the answer to that will dictate your next course of action.
My worry is that there is the potential of distancing your daughter if she feels judged or manipulated. In other words, if she is self-conscious about her sexuality, we don’t want her to think that you are using “online safety” as a front for discouraging her homosexual PDA.
You know your daughter better than I do, so you will be the best predictor of how this discussion might go. If you still feel uncomfortable, or simply want some support through the process, don’t hesitate to seek out a family therapist for some further guidance on the issue. They may even have some insight on this generation’s need to ELIMINATE VOWELS FROM WORDS WITH WILD ABANDON.
Ahem.
Keep us posted,
Kristine, TMH
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Is it So Wrong to Threaten Our Child with Divorce?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Several of my son’s friends come from divorced parents and he’s old enough now (9.5 yrs) to begin noticing the effects. We’ve had to discuss how he can’t see his friends as much because both parents must now work full-time and the friends have to spend every other weekend at different places, how this limits the free time each parent gets with the kids, etc.
That being said, let’s get to my real point. My husband and I are beginning to feel the effects of parenting on our marriage. You know, too much kid time and not enough grown up time. We rarely get to even sit beside each other on the couch! When we want to do something alone, like sit beside one another or have a private conversation in our bedroom, of course our kid wants to bust up in between us. So every now and then I’ll tell our son, “You don’t want mom and dad to end up divorced, right? We need some alone time.” Part of me feels like it isn’t right to say something to scare our son, but then again I don’t know how to relate it to a nine-year-old in a way that he 1) can understand that he HAS to let mom and dad have some time to maintain our bond and 2) lets us have it without drama on his part, turning the idea of alone time into just more parental stress and guilt. Advice?
P.S. We do get a babysitter, but after 12 years of parenting (we have an older child too), our monthly night out isn’t enough anymore and we can’t up the babysitting expense up right now. And we reeeealllllyyyy need to begin reconnecting as a couple. Help!
Signed,
Privacy, Please!
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Dear PP,
Listen, I don’t want to come down on you too hard here, because the truth of the matter is that most parents have said something to their kids that probably wasn’t APA approved. For instance, this one time, I told my five year old that I’d be his bestest friend in whole! wide! world! if he’d JUST PICK UP HIS GODFORSAKEN LEGOS. And we all know he’ll probably never be my best friend. I mean, I’m his mother. Plus, he’s not even old enough to be a designated driver.
That said, I want to be clear to you on this:
The part of you that feels bad for scaring your son with such a threat? LISTEN TO THAT PART.
Scaring or threatening children is never a good idea. Never. NEVER EVER. (Unless we’re talking about them dashing into the street to chase a ball, in which case, bring on the gory, terrifying details.)
The bottom line here is that it is not your child’s fault that you and your husband are having trouble finding time alone together. In fact, I’d say that puts you right in line with most families IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. It comes with parenthood, woman! Is it hard to find time alone with your husband? I’m sure it is. But that’s your challenge to struggle with and overcome; it’s most certainly not your son’s.
Kids are smart and they are sensitive to this type of thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already senses that you’re resenting him for coming between your husband and you. I would strongly recommend you have a conversation with him (your husband included) and apologize for the remark. Explain to him that you are just having a rough time of things, and that sometimes even grownups make poor choices. It will hopefully put his mind at ease and also be a good learning experience for the lot of you.
In the meantime, girl, you need to get creative. Stay up late with your husband. Get up early. Take advantage of small moments to sneak upstairs for a quickie. Do whatever the hell works for you. And above all, be patient with the process, because it can take a while to adjust and find something that works. If it feels desperate, remind yourself that no marriage is without bumps (and in some cases potholes and sinkholes and earthquakes and the occasional echoing abyss) in the road. If it’s more than you can handle together, marriage counselors can be miracle workers.
Take a deep breath, pull yourself together, and go smother that little boy in some kisses.
Kristine, TMH.
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How Do I Dump This Abusive Loser?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ex-boyfriend and I have been doing the off and on thing for 10yrs. He is psychologically abusive. He used to be physically abusive until my brother told him he doesn’t need to be hitting on me, and because he is scared of my brother he quit.
He has cheated on me several times, cut my tires on my car, and numerous other things that are to hard to mention. His daughter, son, and all his friends hate me because he told them a lot of bad things about me.
We are broken up again and he had a new girl friend his daughter found for him, moving in the next day. I want to move on and I have started accepting dates. But I can’t seem to get past the pain of being replaced so easy. I am just heart broken. I text him sometimes he can’t text so he never responds. Finally today I call with this lame excuse to talk to him and he answered which made me feel like a stupid fool. I want to put this relationship behind me and move on I just can’t seem to let go.
Signed,
HELP
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Dear Help,
Let me give you some fast and furious advice: You need to never speak/see/interact with this person (and I use the term loosely) again.
Because you deserve better. So much better.
I believe strongly that when someone shows himself to us, we have to believe him. And this person has shown himself to be an abuser.
He abused you, he terrorized you, he tortured you. You should be getting a restraining order against him, not texting him. (By the way, why are you texting him if he can’t text back? And I’m assuming that he can’t text back because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, right?)
I’m worried that the reason that you keep pursuing him has to do with your self-esteem. Whether this “man” destroyed it or it was precarious before you met him, you need to work through those issues until you believe, with every fiber of your being , that you deserve better. This will not happen overnight but it absolutely can happen and you must MUST take the first step.
There are many resources available to help you. I recommend speaking to your doctor about any suggestions that she may have, and also check out Violence Unsilenced, a website that gives voice to survivors of abuse. Please know that they are very painful stories, but they are also tales of courage and survival and happiness. The resources page is valuable and I urge you to consider it.
I wish you the best. It’s going to take a lot of work on your part, but I hope that you believe that you are worth it. Please keep us posted.
Marinka, TMH
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Should I Get Her a Bra?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Should I get her a bra?
Signed,
Wondering if I Should Get Her a Bra
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Dear Should I Get Her a Bra,
Ooh, I see it’s Mentalist Mouthy time! Have no fear, my potential bra-shopper, I got you covered!
For optimal results, we need to establish who the “I” and the “her” in your question are.
Because if you are talking about your prepubescent daughter, I have a very different answer for you than if you are discussing your golf partner’s mother-in-law.
So let’s work through some possibilities:
1. If it’s your daughter going through puberty: Yes, with a caveat. Ask her if she would like to go bra shopping with you. If she feels she is not ready, do not push it, but let her know that if she changes her mind, you can take her.
2. If it’s your mother-in-law: No, with a caveat. And the caveat is that she is unable to go shopping by herself and asks for your assistance. In that case, suck it up and do it.
3. It’s your boss: No. And if she asks, contact the HR office.
4. You’re in the market for an early Secret Santa gift for someone in your office: No. And go see HR, just in case. And maybe a mental health professional.
5. It’s the President of the PTA who burned her bra years ago and is still waiting for it to rise from the ashes: No. Do not get adult women bras unless they ask for them. (And the request has been approved by HR.)
6. It’s for your girlfriend/wife: No, unless she hinted that this is her dream gift. In which case, you better sweeten the deal with some chocolate, just in case.
7. It’s for your mistress: Yes. No caveats. (And shame on you.)
8. If you’re the costume designer on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s new show, The Client List: Yes. It’s in your job description.
Whew. Those are all the scenarios that I could come up with. If our readers have others, I hope they will weigh in with their suggestions.
Good luck,
Marinka, 36C*, TMH
* not my real size. In case you’re a perv.
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