The War To Save Our Sex Life
It’s time for a Mouthy Housewives guest post! Today we have the wonderful and the British Betty Herbert giving sex advice. Because I’ve exhausted my knowledge on the subject last week. And Betty just happens to have written a book about it. Enjoy the wisdom and don’t forget to visit Betty’s site! -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.
He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.
What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.
Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?
Signed,
Military Wife
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Dear Military Wife,
This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.
It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.
Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.
And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.
Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?
Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.
We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands. And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.
Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?
Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)
(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)
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Sex Math
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex, for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. For the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.
Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28, is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man, I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!
Signed,
What Do I Do
______________________
Dear Do Me,
Oh great, a math question. Fine.
Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year. That’s 912.5 sexes a year. Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5. You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)
Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)
So, definitely get him a check up. But most importantly, talk to him.
It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!) but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.
Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.
Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.
So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.
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My OB/GYN is Selling Sex Toys?!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I haven’t been very good about going to my OB since my son was born. I even lost his number. So I googled him and I found out he now sells sex toys out of his office. Things like vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs. Oh my gosh. Should I find a new OB/GYN or is this kind of thing okay? I really like my OB/GYN but not sure if I groove with his new side business.
Signed,
I Just Wanted a Pap Smear
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Dear Pap (Can I call you that?),
I once knew a single girl who made out with her hot married Podiatrist. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with your issue except they both go under the heading, “Weird crap that can happen when you go to the doctor.” And I also had to share because, can you believe she made out with her hot married Podiatrist?!! I guess he liked her feet.
Anyway, I’m a big fan of multi-tasking. I mean, who doesn’t love getting your eyebrows threaded, your bikini waxed and your hair highlighted all in one salon visit? So now you can just get more done at your OB/GYN. Vaginal exam? Check. Breast examination? Check. Picked out new 3 speed vibrator? Check. See what I mean? It’s a real time saver.
I actually don’t think an OB/GYN’s office is the craziest place to sell sex toys. As long as your doctor isn’t hawking his wares in the middle of an examination, it seems fine to me. After all, he’s doling out birth control, fertility medicine and treating STDs. So there is already a lot of talk about sex in his office.
But if it feels strange to you to buy a sex toy at the same place you hand over your insurance co-pay, then find another doctor. You know, one that doesn’t have butt plugs available on demand. But if he’s a great doctor, I wouldn’t let this bother you at all.
Either way, go get yourself a pap smear. Stat.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Mouthing Off: Toddler T&A!
Toddlers & Tiaras has really taken the cake recently for the portrayal of toddlers in their beauty pageants. Of course, we should point out that they haven’t yet (YET) had a preschooler pop out of an actual cake. Recently, however, they had a three-year-old dressed up like Julia Roberts’ hooker character from Pretty Woman and a four-year-old entertain as Dolly Parton, complete with cleavage and junk in the trunk. Even TMZ was horrified!
The fact that young girls love the the movie Pretty Woman is a bit disturbing in and of itself – hello, Julia is a hooker! Now, we aren’t saying prostitutes don’t deserve love, happiness and fabulous jewelry, but should little girls dream of walking the streets in order to snag a Prince Charming? Is this realistic? Or, more to the point, is it appropriate? Apparently pageant mom, Wendy Dickey (no relation to TMH Wendi…that we know of…), thinks that it is. She recently dressed her toddler in a pint-sized version of Julia’s hooker costume from the movie! She went on to support this decision by stating that she also dressed her as the “classy” version of Julia (you know, after Richard Gere has saved her and cleaned her up) later in the show. Well, that makes everything better. Oh, wait. No. The character is still from a movie about a HOOKER! (An aside: Julia Roberts was only paid $300,000 for her part in the film. Poor actress. What ever happened to her?)
Wendy (not Wendi) went on to defend her choice by insisting that her daughter had no idea what the costume signified. Well, all we can say is that it’s a good thing there’s no photographic or video evidence that may pop up later in the child’s life. Whew. That was a close one.
As if purposefully making up your toddler like a prostitute isn’t dig-your-eyeballs-out-with-an-ice-cream-scoop ridiculous enough, another woman, Lindsay Jackson, dressed her daughter up as an anatomically correct Dolly Parton! We’ll just let that set in for a second. Yes, to play the country singing icon the four-year-old was given C-cup padded breasts and an ample derriere (We believe Beyonce would call it Bootylicious? Scratch that, we’re pretty sure Beyonce would say: “Oh hell NO, The House of Dereon does NOT do that!”). Now, we love Dolly as much as the next person but we’re pretty sure that even the Dollywood owner, who once said “I modeled my looks on the town tramp,” would agree that this was not good judgment.
Sadly, the tale of so-disturbing-we-must-chug-an-entire-box-of-Fraznia-and-do-you-know-how-much-this-wreaks-havoc-on-our-GERD? toddler clothing is not finished. There is a French company, Jours Après Lunes, that has just come out with a line of lingerie for young girls. Not teenagers. Little children! Even their ad campaign has the little girls all vamped up, prancing around in lace “bras” and panties with bed head and jewelry! When did it become acceptable for little girls to be paraded around like sex objects? Even the poses in the ads are extremely suggestive. Frankly, if the police should confiscate our computer here at TMH (We don’t know why they would. We have most certainly NOT been been playing Canasta with Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, and Leonardo DiCaprio) we’d have some serious ‘splainin’ to do once they found these images in our history. Perhaps the French have been watching too much Toddler & Tiaras?
What do you think? Are we getting our Spanx’ed derrieres in a twist over nothing?
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Is My Husband A Pig Or Does My Computer Have A Virus?
Today, we’re lucky enough to have Liz from Flourish in Progress giving out advice. If you’re not a regular reader of Liz’s blog yet, just you wait. Between the Monday Dares and updates on her No Shopping Project, Liz consistently hits the funny mark. Besides the funny, one of the reasons that I love Liz is that there is always an element of surprise in her posts. Something that you just didn’t see coming (in case you weren’t sure what “surprise” meant.) This is the post that started my adoration for Liz. Enjoy! – Marinka
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in trouble and I really need some clear perspective on my problem, ’cause my brain feels like jelly right now…really thick, dark kind of kelly. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for the last 8 years and we have a 2 year old boy. I’ve been a SAHM since he was born. My husband and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, and the last couple of years have been difficult. I thought we loved each other enough to get through it all, it seems I was wrong.
While working on my PC, I discovered some cookies with addresses of sites for adults only…and one of those addresses led me to a site which connects people who are searching for sex partners available near our location. Since my husband and I are the only ones who use this PC, my heart stopped.
I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies everything, his explanation being that it must be a virus on the computer. And I don’t know what to believe or to do. I feel angry, sad, lost…Please put me out of my misery and offer me some guidance.
Signed,
What Now?
______________________________
Dear What Now,
First things first: Do you want your husband to stay or do you want your husband to go?
Normally, I’d suggest an honest heart-to-heart, but I can see that’s not going to work here. A virus? Please. The only virus here is the douchebag bug that’s infected your husband.
If you find it in your heart to forgive him, remind me to send you a medal. Personally, I’d rather bust my own kneecaps than forgive a man who’s trolling the internet for sex with strangers. Ask yourself: are you okay with this happening again? Is this the kind of behavior you want your son to learn? Are you teaching your son that this kind of tomfoolery is okay if you stay? (Answer key: No, No, Yes.)
If we were sitting across from each other, this is where I would supply you with several cocktails, take your hand, and tell you this-
Homegirl, let’s keep it real. Life is too short and your time is too limited to put off being happy and secure for any longer. If you choose to move on with your marriage, you’ll become obsessed with checking his mobile devices, computer, and mail. You won’t be living your own life. You’ll be trapped into making sure another person is living their life correctly. And that’s just not something you can do.
This is all coming from a place of someone who truly gets what you’re going through. I spent too many sleepless nights being miserable over a partner’s deceit before I made the choice to let him go. You know what? He’s still the same person today. An asshole. Letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made. More importantly, it freed me to meet the right person.
I want that for you. You deserve it.
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