Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?
Military Wife Mary
Dear Military Wife Mary,
First of all, thank you for your sacrifice and also for your husband’s sacrifice. I know that life in the military isn’t always a walk in the park and please know that we appreciate everything you do.
That said, let’s see if we can get y’all a lil sumpin sumpin so you can relax a little bit.
Now, you said you don’t “believe in masturbation.” That’s fine, I’ll agree to respect your beliefs on that topic. However, please know that it’s a perfectly normal and natural activity and it has saved many a woman from getting so tense that she slaps the grocery store bagger for putting her eggs in the wrong sack just because he’s A COMPLETE MORON. (Or so rumor has it around my neighborhood.)
I’m not going to say any more on that subject, but I will point you to this tasteful book in case you want to change your beliefs. There are also a few “toys” on that website that aren’t weird or gross or shaped like a giant salami, so take a look at those, too.
Otherwise, here are some other suggestions to get some relief:
- Take a Bubble Bath in a jetted tub
- Hold multiple viewings of either “Magic Mike” or David Beckham’s shirtless commercial for a product I can’t remember because, hello, it’s a shirtless David Beckham
- Sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle
- Try the various yoga poses that I personally am not able to either do or describe but are apparently very good at getting your chakras off
- Take a few rides on the 25 cent mechanical pony outside of the grocery store–Yeehaw! Ride ’em cowboy! Stop looking at me, stupid bagger!
Beyond that, I’m at a loss. So I open it up to our readers—how can our friend get her rocks off without, um, anyone even touching her rocks? Let us know!
That’s right biatches, we are BACK. The Mouthy Housewives have stuffed ourselves full of candy canes and fruit cakes and put back enough spiked eggnog to hydrate a small army.
We wanted to come back sooner but Wendi kept saying she couldn’t get the right shade of blonde for her hair, Marinka was attending a rigorous interfaith class with her cat who is now a born again Christian, Karen was obsessed with coming up with baby names for Kimye and well, Kristine was last seen near the Mexico boarder ranting and raving about Honey Boo Boo. But we have regrouped, freshened our lip gloss and are now ready to improve your lives. Boy, we really missed you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve learned that my husband does role play chats online. This is basically when you pretend you are another character online with others and talk with each other for fun. What has me conflicted is that he has been doing sex role plays with people online.
I confronted him about it the other night and he admitted to it. I had been suspecting it because I would notice that when I came into the room he would immediately exit out of the window so I wouldn’t see what he was typing. We talked about it and he told me that I shouldn’t be bothered by it because he’s not playing himself when he is doing these sexual roles and that they don’t having anything to do with his real life.
I understand what he is saying but I am still conflicted. To me it feels like just another form of a sex chat. That feels like cheating and it rubs me the wrong way. But at the same time, I wonder if I’m viewing it wrong. Because I read romance novels and have read things like Fifty Shades. Reading sex scenes in those books are entertaining but it doesn’t pertain to my real life. I don’t read them because I feel unfulfilled in my marriage. I love my husband very much.
So what do you guys think?
Fifty Shades of Hurt and Confused
Dear Fifty Shades,
I think you might just be the most understanding wife ever because I got upset at my husband last night when he conveniently forgot to check his texts which instructed him to start dinner for the kids. Man, I never thought I could get that riled up over chicken nuggets. In fact, half way through my ranting, I couldn’t even remember why I was so mad.
But you sound pretty damn calm over this sex chat thing. So let me see if I can get you riled up. You are a good wife to listen to his side of this and actually contemplate if he has a point. But in my opinion, he does not.
Yes, you read Fifty Shades of Grey which has some pretty hard core sex scenes and this would be equivalent to him reading Playboy or Hustler. But he’s not reading some sex magazine, he’s role playing and having sex chats online with strangers. See the difference?
So would he be okay if you sexted with one of your ex-boyfriends or a stranger online? I mean, you’re playing a role. The role of a single, available female who is having fun on the internet. And it has nothing to do with your real life. Right?! I’m guessing he wouldn’t be okay with it.
The problem is that it can affect your real life. He’s getting his sexual urges fulfilled by strangers online instead of his own wife. This has the potential to greatly affect your relationship. Look, I get it. Marriage gets dull and it’s hard to keep the sexual spark alive. Maybe there is a way for you to role play together in the bedroom. Maybe he can pretend you are some stranger he met online. Or watch a porno together. Or he can read you passages from Fifty Shades. My point is – instead of hiding his sexual desires from you, he needs to share them with you.
Don’t be afraid to do a few sessions with a therapist to get you through this rocky period. Sometimes a third party can help you navigate tough, embarrassing conversations.
Today we’re very happy to welcome one of Wendi’s IRL BFFs OMG Maria Escamilla! Maria just started a blog called Postcards From Texas and regularly writes very funny things on there. Well, she does when she’s not at the movies with Wendi yelling, “Boo!” and throwing popcorn at the Glenn Beck ads, anyway. Thank you for your advice today, Maria!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I were married 6 years ago, when we were both in our early 20s and really hot. I had a baby 6 months ago and still have some weight to lose. I don’t feel very hot by any means now.
We’ve always had a great sex life, but I currently have no sex drive for my husband at all. I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what, but I don’t find myself attracted to him. He’s grown a beard and gained about 90 lbs. in the last 18 months. Like I said, I’m not the hottest little thing either, but this is just uncharted territory. Any advice? We’ve only made love a handful since the baby was born.
In a Pickle
Dear In a Pickle,
First of all, congratulations and welcome to the “No Sex Club”! I myself have been a card carrying member for the last 10 years and honey, it ain’t that bad! Accept it. Move On. In fact, move on to Comfort Theme Nights such as: “Snuggle Under Our Matching Snuggies Night” or “Massage My Feet While They Are Resting on Your Belly Night.”
I realize that those aren’t as exciting as newlywed sex games like “The Plumber and the Distressed Housewife” where your husband asks you what number pipe you need inserted into your deep sink. But I’m sorry to say that those games are over for you for about 13 years. Because that’s when your baby will have grown into a sullen teenager who’ll hunker down in his room while you and your husband moan as loud two feral cats in heat. That’s the beauty of teenagers; they don’t give a shit!
You don’t owe it to your husband to give him sex either, especially after you pushed out a baby 6 months ago. You most likely also pushed out any romantic feelings you had for him when you noticed he saw your placenta and all that other gunk that came out of your vagina. Who would feel romantic after that? Let him have his Beard and Belly Teddy Bear phase and in 13 years, here is what you do: start to sign up for marathons, train together, get sweaty together, get gorgeous and fit together, then go have mad sex in a Porta-Potty after running 23 miles. It will be such a high, you won’t even believe you two used to be in the “No Sex Club.”
Good luck girl!
Maria Escamilla, Guest TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!
No Fishnets Please
Dear No Fishnets Please,
You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!
Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.
But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:
Photo via Crushable.com
Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)
Or how about this unsexy costume?
Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!
(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)
Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:
Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.
If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I don’t like sex. I used to, but now I don’t and I have no idea why. My husband is very patient about it, but I have felt this way for the majority of our 3 1/2 year marriage.
A little background: I was married previously for five years to a “secret” sex addict. I call him that because I didn’t know he was addicted (or just how much extramarital sex he was having). I got divorced, and married my college sweetie. Life is great and he is my prince charming (swoon, sigh…), but after the first three steamy months of our marriage I became extremely uncomfortable with physical contact. I think I am sexy, beautiful, and awesome so I know it is not a self esteem thing or a confidence thing.
I feel so bad always turning my husband down, but it feels like a rock-hard (no pun intended) emotional wall shoots up as soon as he tries to initiate anything. We have an amazing marriage…other than this minor (MAJOR!) detail. Any ideas? I am at a total loss.
The Knock-Out With A Perpetually Frustrated Husband
The first thing I wanted to do when I read this question was give you a bear hug, woman. Also: open a bottle of wine, but my therapist says that’s not the *best* way to handle my PTSD.
In other words: I SO RELATE. In my case, having children created some sort of sexual cock-block (heh) for both myself and my husband. I wasn’t able to compartmentalize being both a mother and a sexual being. And let me tell you, while I like to think that the months of emotional work it took to overcome that hurdle have made it an issue of the past, it’s still something I occasionally struggle with.
I could sit here and guess about the reasons as to why this is happening to you–such as your swell-sounding ex-husband–but the bottom line is that loss of libido is a much more common issue for women than many of us might think, and it can happen to any of us for any number of reasons that run the gamut.
Also: while my PTSD wine may occasionally make me THINK I have all the answers, I’m not a therapist, and that is exactly why I’m going to strongly suggest that you see one about this “minor (MAJOR!) detail”. I know why this happened to me (after hundreds of dollars in co-pays), but I can’t speak to why it’s happening to you. There’s nothing wrong with you, of course, but neither you or your husband is happy with the status quo. And let’s be honest: sex is a good time and you deserve to get that part of your life back, you sex machine, you!
The good news for you, of course, is that I just saved you months of bedroom stalling filled with excuses blaming “sensitive nursing nipples” and “fatigue” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey marathons.”
Work it gurl,