30 May
When Intimacy Is More “Ouch” Than “Oooo”

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I was recently diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I found out after having a cyst rupture, requiring a trip to Urgent Care.

The thing is that my cyst ruptured shortly after being intimate with my fiancé. My doctor reassured me that the rupture wasn’t caused by sex. However, my fiancé is now convinced that he caused my pain and doesn’t want sex because he is scared I’ll rupture another cyst. I’ve told him what the doctor said, but he’s still convinced. He has said that he doesn’t want to have sex until I’m “better” ( meaning my cysts are gone).

Unfortunately, that could be months or even never. He’s been very supportive emotionally and still enjoys cuddling, but I’m a sexual person and only having sex once or twice a week was bad enough. Its been almost 2 weeks now and I’m going crazy! How can I change his mind?!

Signed,

Cyster Sister

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Dear Cyster Sister,

I’m so sorry to hear about your painful experience and diagnosis. For those who aren’t sure what PCOS is, here’s the definition from MayoClinic.com:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance).

I’m sure you doctor (who hopefully isn’t selling sex toys) has gone over everything with you and told you how to manage your condition. I wish you the best of luck in handling all of that and hope you take good care of yourself and your health.

Now, regarding your fiance’s issues, I have to say that his reaction is completely understandable. After all, why would he want to do something with you that may cause enough pain to send you to Urgent Care again? From my slight poking around on the internet,  I couldn’t find anything that definitively said sex can cause cysts to rupture. However, I strongly advise you to ask your doctor that question with your fiance in the room so he hears it right from the physician’s mouth.  The more information on PCOS that the both of you have, the better and he should know that it’s not something that’ll just “clear up.”

That said, until things are more comfortable between the two of you in regards to sex, there are many other things you can do with, to and on each other to be intimate. (And if that last sentence isn’t proof that I have a bright future writing for certain sexy websites, I don’t know what is.) Take your time with each other and don’t pressure him to do more than he’s ready to do. You’re lucky you have a sweet guy who’s worried about your comfort.

And if any of you readers have advice or experience regarding PCOS, please chime in.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

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11 Feb
Is My Wife Cheating, Or Is That Someone Else In The Video?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been married to my wife for 22 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years, and have five children and now one grandchild.

I have suspected for years that she has been having an online affair, and last September I received a link to a video of a woman having sex with a guy. I could only see the woman from the back, but I swear it is my wife — the woman was very pregnant, her hair was highlighted and the same length as my wife’s, and her back, legs and buttocks all match. It breaks my heart to think that she cheated on me, especially while she was pregnant with our son. I really don’t want to believe it. I have had many opportunities to cheat, but would never even entertain the thought. She swears it is not her, and even swears on our children’s salvation. Do women really look that much alike from behind? 

Sincerely,

Benjamin Dover

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Dear Ben,

Whoa. Just hold it right there, my friend. You are NEVER supposed to tell a woman you can tell she’s pregnant from behind. That’s grounds for cheating in and of itself!

Okay. Not really.

Was the video sent to you anonymously? Or, did it come from “Mike Hunt” or “Amanda Hugginkiss?” Listen, unless it would seem totally normal to you to receive a link to a video of two complete strangers having sex (I don’t know what kind of friends you have. No judgment.), it seems clear to me that the woman in that video is your wife. I am so sorry. Women do not all look that much alike from behind, and after 22 years of marriage, 5 kids, and one grandchild, I would expect you to know every freckle, dimple, and scar on your wife’s body.

A 22 year marriage is not something to just throw away lightly, though. And, after watching a marathon of a show called “Unfaithful” on Oprah’s OWN network (What? I had insomnia. I don’t judge you, you don’t judge me), many couples have gone through something like this and come through it stronger and more devoted to each other than ever. But not without help. If you do want to save your marriage, you need some couples counseling pronto.

Your wife may continue to deny, deny, deny, but regardless of that, there is a rift in your relationship. I wish you the best in working it out in a way that makes you both happy.

Sincerely,

Karen, TMH

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31 Jan
You’re So Sexy When You’re Secreting Snot

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I feel like three tons of sh*t today. Meaning, I have a cold, my head hurts, my eyes are about to fall out of my head, I’ve been in the bathroom for hours with a trash can in front of me because heaven forbid my yuckies come out of only one end!

My questions is: Should I be upset because my wonderful, loving husband (who gave me the damn crud to begin with) just texted asking if we could do the ‘Horizontal Nasty’? My mind is blown! We’ve been together for 17 years and have three kids so he knows what ugly looks like, but he got upset when I texted back, ‘REALLY?! Um, NO!” So am I wrong for not feeling sexy with snot and assorted yuckies everywhere?

Sincerely,

Snot Nosed Brat (according to my husband)

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Dear Snot Nosed Brat,

Hold on a sec, hon—-just need to spray some Lysol on my computer and rub some Purell on my hands before I answer your question. I mean, thank God I got a flu shot last week because you sound like a bad version of Typhoid Mary right now. And I say that with affection (through the two surgical masks I just put on.)

Now, do I think you’re wrong for not wanting to have sex with your husband when you’re leaking out of every orifice? Hell, yes I do! A wife’s purpose is to serve her man NO MATTER WHAT. Wasn’t that in your marriage vows? “To love, honor, cherish and do the horizontal nasty with even when you have the Swine Flu and may die in a puddle of your own mucus”? I know it was in my vows, but then again, I got married in Nevada. Even monkeys can get married in Nevada.

But you should also be super proud of yourself that your husband still finds you sexy when you’re digusting. Most husbands would just throw a blanket on top of their sick wife and head out of town for a few days, but hey—you’re hot enough to make your husband wanna hit that head cold. Kudos, Sicko!

So I say that what you need to do is call your husband over to your death bed and ask him to wipe the crusty boogers off your cheek. Then hock up loogie, pass some gas and huskily croak, “Get on top and ride me before I have diarrhea again, cowboy. Yeeehaw!”

You’ll be left to recover in peace for as long as you need.

Feel better,

Wendi, TMH

 

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28 Jan
Is It Cheating If It’s Just Phone Sex?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I found out my common-law husband (we are not married on paper) has been calling a singles sex chat line — well over 100-200 times since we’ve been together. He saw escorts and went to massage parlours before that. It is a local singles line he has been calling, not a 1-800 one, so anyone he has had a chat with is nearby. I am so hurt. He admitted to it but then claimed that he never called the line for phone sex, but because he wanted someone anonymous to talk to about his child sex abuse. That is obviously a lie, as he called so many times, and no one would use a sex line for that, they would call a sex abuse help line.

Do you think with the large amount of calls he’s been making, he has just been having phone sex with people or do you think it’s likely he met up with at least one of them in person? Is this considered cheating? Is it not worth leaving him and our home and pets over?  Do you think he did more than just talk on the phone? Please help!

Sincerely,

Should I Stay or Should I Go

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Dear Stay/Go,

You ask some tough questions, and, unfortunately, my psychic abilities are only 50/50, so I don’t really have any definitive answers for you. But, at least I can let you know you are not alone. This isn’t the first time we’ve received a letter like yours.

There is no way to know for sure whether your husband did anything more than have phone sex with the other women, unless he comes out and admits it (or you hire a private detective). I don’t even think that the fact that he “saw escorts and went to massage parlours” means that he is definitely physically betraying you with women he met on the sex chat line. It does seem possible, given that history, that he might think that phone sex is not a betrayal.

Of course, the “I thought it was a Pizza Parlour!” or “I just wanted a Mah Jong partner!” lines can only stretch so far. (In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t yet snapped. We’re fully capable of snapping on your behalf, if you’d like. Just the other day, Kristine went loco on a stranger in the middle of Best Buy when he rolled his eyes at his girlfriend. She’s available next Tuesday, if that works for you.)

Regardless, you clearly feel betrayed by his behavior, and you need to let him know that you are not okay with it, and that it must stop. If he was actually a victim of sexual abuse as a child, that is something he needs to work out with a therapist, not a stripper named Chastity. If there is any prayer of saving your marriage, couples counseling is definitely in order. Only you can decide whether or not to remain in the relationship, but I can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be intimate with you and only you.

Best of luck,

Karen, TMH

 

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14 Jan
Is Craigslist A Good Dating Site?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m 37, and […brace yourself…] I haven’t had any man touch me in the 16 years since my son was born. I was really down and put down about my extra weight, flabby parts, and pregnancy ‘scars’ and have few acquaintances and fewer friends. I’m beyond lonely. I’ve considered the weirdos that troll Craigslist and male prostitutes and just can’t bring myself to do it. Did I mention I have extreme social anxiety? And though I’ve recently upgraded my ‘toy‘ it still doesn’t give what I really miss about sex. So I guess my question is what would you do if you didn’t have the husband part of the family equation?

Signed,

Lonely and Desperate

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Dear Lonely & Desperate

Listen, after reading your note, I can barely set down the box of Kleenex long enough to sputter out with consternation:

CRAIGSLIST?! WOMAN, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

The fact is, I don’t know you. I don’t know you, but after hearing your story, I love you and my heart aches for you. Similarly, my fiercely honest and protective friend personality (I have several…I call this one Wanda) is screaming her ever-loving head off. You are hurting, anyone can see. And I’m so sorry that you aren’t as in love with yourself as you should be. In different grades, we–as women and as human beings–have all been there at some point. But the key here is to recognize this foolishness. To recognize that you are to be loved–that you are, in fact, IMMENSELY LOVABLE, “pregnancy scars” and all.

And it is SO IMPORTANT that you learn this and know this and really BELIEVE this. Sixteen years is entirely too long to go feeling this way, and in a way, I’m glad you’ve started thinking about Craigslist only because IT’S BATSHIT INSANITY. This, girl, is your wakeup call. Here, let me show you. The following are pulled from the personals section in my local Craigslist. I’m 95% certain they’re both serial killers.

Craigslist 2

FREE DICK PICS!

Craigslist 3

TELL HIM WHY HE SHOULD PICK YOU, he says!

(Here’s to hoping my husband checks my search history!)

Now. Get your beautiful ass to a therapist. This is your first, very important, most critical step. Here you will learn the tools you’ll need to help gain some of that confidence you’re lacking. Also, sit down and decide what it is that you enjoy in this world. Go out and start doing some of those things. You will find strength. You will make friends. You will learn to love yourself and let others love you back.

And then you will come back here and give us an update so that we can all look back on this post and shudder at the thought of what might have been.

Signed,

Kristine, TMH

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