Addicted to Masturbating?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m not really sure if you give this type of advice but I was wondering if there are any negatives from abstaining from masturbating? I do it five to six times a day and I would like to maybe give it up for the year?
Signed,
It’s a Hobby!
___________________________________________
Dear It’s a Hobby,
Welcome to the Mouthy Housewives! You must be new here because if you weren’t, you’d know we’ve answered that question a million times. “Are there any negatives to abstaining from masturbating” is right up there in popularity with “my mother-in-law is driving me crazy” and “Facebook etiquette.”
So is there a downside to no longer masturbating five or six times a day? I can’t think of any negatives but I can think of a few positives like you’d have time for a job and wouldn’t have to buy as much lotion.
Although I’m not sure I’d advocate going cold turkey for a whole year. Maybe just try cutting back a bit. Perhaps it’s time to put down the porn and get outside. I know lots of people are addicted to exercise. I haven’t yet figured out how to acquire this addiction but it seems like a good one. So get out and start running, biking or hiking. And if this masturbation issue is really concerning you, you might also want to seek the advice of a therapist.
But wait, are you a 16-year-old boy? Then sorry, you’re totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Go about your business and someday you’ll outgrow this.
Okay, I’ve gotta run. I need to go explain to my husband why I’ve been googling, “How To Stop a Masturbation Addiction.”
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
9 Comments <-- Click to comment
My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
___________________________________________
My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
13 Comments <-- Click to comment
I Slept with my Employer & Now my Boyfriend is Mad. WTH?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, exclusive for two. When we first started dating, he asked if I had ever cheated in a relationship. Knowing it was a huge deal-breaker for him because of his own past hurts, I confessed that I had been party to someone else cheating (he was married, I was not) more than 5 years ago. After 5 years of dealing privately with the aftermath of that, I have been thrown back into having to deal with it again. The man and his wife are people I see on a nearly daily basis — I nanny their child, and we have family dinners one night a week. We three have moved past it (after several years of distance, we now maintain healthy relationships).
However, the boyfriend cannot make peace with it. He has very extreme reactions, and I fear he’ll never get over it. He’s now projecting those fears onto my other male friendships (including a longtime friend who is a minister, whose family I treat as my own). I feel like I will have to choose between my boyfriend (who, in all other ways, I adore and feel VERY well-matched with) and my friends and support system. What is a logical girl to do?
Signed,
Confused in Carolina
___________________________________________
Dear Confused,
Um.
Okay.
Let me get this straight, because I stopped paying attention after you told me that YOU’RE WORKING FOR THE MAN WITH WHOM YOU HAD AN AFFAIR, AND YOU EAT DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE ON THE REGULAR.
What…the…hell?
I find this to be all kinds of messed up. For you, for him, for the wife, and for the child you’re nannying. There’s no reason why you should still be in contact with these people, not to mention WORKING for them. You, he, or she can say you’ve “moved on” all you like, but I find that to be impossible. And, if you really want this relationship with your boyfriend to work, it’s inconsiderate and unfair to him as well.
That said, I also am concerned about his own emotional baggage. Everyone’s been hurt before—-as Forrest Gump once said, shit happens—-but that doesn’t give anyone the license to act erratically or, to use your words, extremely, in subsequent relationships. Your boyfriend has issues he needs to work through, and I’m not so certain you’re the best girl with whom he should be working them out, given your current, um, employment situation.
(OMG, really? I still can’t wrap my head around it.)
So that was my long answer, I suppose. In short:
1. Quit your damn job, girl. There are lots of kids that need nannies in your town. Of this, I am sure.
2. Rethink this relationship with your boyfriend, both for his sake and your own. Set him free, and all that jazz, ya know? This is one wonderful moronathan, I’m afraid, and I don’t see how it’s a good foundation for a relationship that has JUST started.
And did I mention you should quit your job?
OMG,
Kristine, TMH
51 Comments <-- Click to comment
50 Shades of Oh, Shut Up Already
Welcome, dear readers, to Guess The Mouthy Housewife! Today’s advice is written by one of The Mouthy Housewives– but which one? Let us know if you think the Mystery Mouthy is Kelcey, Kristine, Marinka, Tonya or Wendi! One of the commenters who guesses the Mouthy correctly will win a copy of both Jill Smokler’s Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Heather Armstrong’s Dear Daughter. Winner will be chosen randomly from among the correct responses. Increase your chances of winning by tweeting the link to this post with a “I think the Mystery Mouthy is ___” (but fill in the blank with the Mystery Mouthy. OMG. Why can’t we stop typing Mystery Mouthy?!) Good luck! We will announce a winner on April 1st. No joke.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Many of my friends seem to have lost their minds. They’re all reading that “mommy porn” book 50 Shades of Grey and keep talking about it nonstop. They read the other two books in the trilogy and they’re acting like love sick teenagers. I don’t get it. I read the first book and don’t see what’s the big deal. It’s just a poorly written bodice ripper. Also I’m not a prude, but I don’t understand why porn is suddenly considered normal conversation while we’re waiting to pick up the kids at school.
Signed,
50 Shades of Annoyed
________________________________________________________________
Dear Annoyed,
The other day I was waiting to pick up at school and OMFG, one of the moms started talking to me about the renovations that they were doing. I looked around, like “who are you talking to?” and then there was that horrible moment when I realized that I was her target and victim. Yes, I was trapped there for actual M-I-N-U-T-E-S while she droned on about backsplashes and stone copper strips and countertops and she didn’t seem to come with an off button.
Much like Anastasia.
Please believe me when I say that if at that moment I could have changed the conversation over to porn (or clubbing baby seals for fun and profit) I would have done so instantly. Yes, it’s ridiculous and poorly written, but the thing about 50 Shades of Grey is that it gives us a lot to talk about. Like do virgins really bleed like that outside of the monarchy? How do we feel about signing non-disclosure sex agreements? Do we want a man who takes complete sexual control? Could that fellatio scene really have been written by a woman?
All important considerations. And a way for us to talk about sex with our friends, to break out of that “I’m here to pick up the kids and then I will make dinner” mode.
But if you don’t feel comfortable talking porn sex with your friends, let them know. A simple “no spoilers, please!” should do the trick. If they are friends, they will respect your preference. But don’t blame us if they meet for some English Breakfast Tea without you to pour over the details.
Oh my,
Mystery Mouthy
This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.
35 Comments <-- Click to comment
For the Love of God, Send Us Your Problems, People
Ello Hun,
I’m in desperate need of some help. It’s not life threatening, but I’m trying to experience what I saw on a movie once. Sorry to be crude, but I’m trying to archive female ejaculation. Ever since I saw it on a adult film a month ago, I’m in desperate need to try and create that. Is it just a thing that only porn stars can do? Or do I need boyfriend with a penis bigger than 10 inches? Or is it great camera angles? I know it seem silly, but it’s my life long dream and I’m desperate to make it happen hope you can give me some helpful tips and get rid of the myth 
Thanks once again,
Mel
________________________________
Dear Mel,
Please know that I’m only answering your question for two reasons. First, I think you’re sincerely asking for help (well, maybe) and if so, this Jezebel.com link will help. Happy reading, you sexy beast.
And the second reason I’m answering your question is to show all of our readers that WE’RE DESPERATE FOR NON-BIZARRO PROBLEMS TO SOLVE SO GET OFF YO ASSES AND EMAIL THEM TO US, YOU BIG DUMMIES.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you all big dummies. I’m just a little flustered because I had to Google “female ejaculation” a few minutes ago since Mel obviously doesn’t know how a computer works and now I feel like I need someone to work my brain over with a Brill-O pad and some Comet cleanser. But, seriously, why is the internets so….icky? So terribly, terribly icky? Forget Parental Controls, I needs me some Wendi the Prude Controls, man. I mean, for the love of God, I’m from North Dakota. Nobody there is named She Squirts A Lot.
Anyway, if you read The Mouthy Housewives, you obviously know how brilliant and helpful we are. And if you read The Mouthy Housewives, we obviously know how weird and troubled you are. So please send your issues, problems and concerns to: ask@mouthyhousewives.com. (Note: Please address all Facebook and in-law questions to “Not Wendi.”)
Here, I’m even going to give you a simple, little form to get you started:
Dear Breathtakingly Gorgeous Mouthy Housewives,
Recently my (______) has started (______)ing every time I (_________). How can I get this to stop before I (_______)?
Signed,
Poor Soul In Need of Help From Big Breasted Geniuses
OMG, how easy is that? Of course all questions are kept anonymous, and our answers are 100% guaranteed* to bring a smile to your face. Or, in Mel’s case, an ahem to your ahem. Now start writing!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
(*This is completely not true.)
RSS Feed
