You Stop Telling Me What To Do With My Lactating Boobies and I’ll Do The Same
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law nursed most of her kids until they were almost 4 years old. She had to wean her youngest child due to cancer since the treatment wouldn’t allow it. She recently had a miscarriage, which caused her milk to come in and she is now nursing the previously weaned child who is almost four. She claims it is helping with some ongoing health issues the child has had for the last year (thanks to not immunizing). I am totally weirded out by this. I don’t feel comfortable around it.
I know that breastfeeding is natural and what not, but I really don’t think this situation is! No one else but me and my husband seem to have a problem with this. We are expecting twins next month and are getting lectures from her on how it’s wrong that we aren’t planning to breastfeed the whole time. I want to tell her if she’s trying to convince me, that is DEFINITELY not the way to do it. I have tried to keep my mouth shut about what she’s doing, but the more she criticizes my decision, the more I want to tell her that what she’s doing is sick and wrong!! I mean really, who just starts nursing a 4-year-old child! If she really wants the benefits, couldn’t she at least pump and put it in a glass or something???
Am I wrong to be so grossed out by this? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to respect my decision and to nicely tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with what she’s doing?
Thank you,
Grossed Out
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Dear Grossed Out,
I must first advise everyone to don police riot armor and prepare for bottle feeders to chuck baby bottles at the lactivists, who are retaliating by squirting breast milk into the eyes. These things can turn ugly if you aren’t very careful.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I must say that I am a former breastfeeder, so I tend to side with other breastfeeding women. On the other hand, I was exclusively bottle-fed as a child and turned out to be highly intelligent, not to mention a first-class beauty, so I don’t think bottle-feeding is wrong either.
I’m not going to tell you if you are right or wrong to feel grossed out by your sister-in-law’s extended breastfeeding. What I will tell you is that it’s a waste of your time to keep feeling so, obviously your sister-in-law will continue on as she sees fit. Stop ruminating on it or your babies could be born with forked tails.
I think both you and your sister-in-law need to realize you haven’t lived each other’s lives. She’s been through cancer, had to wean her child in order to help SAVE HER LIFE, lost another child to miscarriage and because of it, suddenly had a second chance to nurse the child she was forced to wean. Can we really say what we would do in that situation? No, not if we’re truly honest with ourselves. I mean, if I had to face my own mortality, I would probably try to breastfeed baby Jesus.
You’re having twins and I don’t know what it’s like to try to exclusively breastfeed two babies. Who am I to judge what you should or shouldn’t do? But my sister-wife Kelcey does know. She began supplementing with formula and her twins are still absolutely gorgeous, happy, and I hear they are already solving polynomial equations.
If you can, find a way to talk with your sister-in-law about respecting each other’s choices, even if you don’t agree with them. If you want her to stop harping on your feeding choices, then you really should stop harping on hers. If this isn’t possible, then grin and bear it when she nurses, or just throw a blanket over your head so you can’t see it. When she tries to lecture you, say something dismissive, such as “Oh, who knows how long we’ll breastfeed, it’s hard to know ahead of time” (this is completely true) or “You can trust us to make the best decision for our twins” and hopefully she’ll take the hint.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Not Knocked Up
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a baby six months ago but I have yet to shed all my baby weight. Not only do I feel lousy about my body but at least once a week, some idiot asks, “So when are you due?” I practically walk away in tears. What is the proper response to this question?
Signed,
I Already Had the Baby Dumb Ass
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Dear I.A.H.T.B.D.A,
I will never understand how a person has the balls to walk up to a woman who is in all likelihood a bit bloated from three Diet Cokes and 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs and wishes her a big ole congrats on her pregnancy. Having just given birth myself, I too have been subjected to such humiliation.
Taking off baby weight is not easy. For some reason, breast feeding has never sucked off the pounds the way every supermodel promises. But maybe Gisele Bundchen and Heidi Klum don’t start their days with two chocolate croissants and end them with huge bowls of chocolate double fudge ice cream like I do.
There is really no way to stop people from asking this asinine question. And once they realize you’re not pregnant, they probably feel worse then you do. Still, you need a proper response. So when someone asks when you are due, just say, “In December. And I’m registered at Pottery Barn. I’d love it if you’d buy me the Kendall Nursing Collection. You’re a real darling to buy me such a generous gift.” And then walk away.
Good luck taking off the baby weight. I heard something about exercise and carrot sticks working wonders but I have yet to try this myself. I’m still hoping chocolate croissants do the trick.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Did Cinderella Give Her Fairy Godmother a Gift Card?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am going to have my first child in July and my girlfriend is throwing me a baby shower. Both my best friend and the friend that is throwing the shower are going to be my child’s Godmother. Is it customary to buy the Godmothers a gift?
Signed,
Ready to Pop
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Dear Ready to Pop,
First of all, congratulations on your impending motherhood! Even though it’s been a few years for me, I still remember my pregnancy days very fondly. The swollen ankles, the gigantic badonkadonk, the weird strangers sticking their grimy paws on my belly and screaming, “Wow! You’re huge, lady! Whaddya got in there—the Harlem Globetrotters? Better order your SlimFasts by THE CASE, chubs!” Oh, it was just magical.
But I digress.
Now, per your question, you’re obviously the type of person who really cares about doing nice things for others. And this is good news, my dear, because in just about four weeks, all you’re going to be doing is nice things for that little bundle of joy currently crunking on your cervix. Yep, you’ll be doing all sorts of nice things like nursing, swaddling, burping and ducking for cover when the explosive diarrhea starts flying fast and furious. (Mom tip: Do not feed Texas BBQ to newborns.)
But while it’s very considerate of you to want to get these ladies Godmother gifts now, I believe that most people usually wait to do this until the actual christening of the child. At that time, you can happily give them each something very meaningful and timeless. Something that truly reflects their sacred vow to raise your baby in accordance with the church’s teachings. Something like this, for example:
Anyway, my advice is to just sit tight on the Godmother presents for now (unless you’re dying to get them something), and instead give them each a little nicety to thank them for the baby shower and the pregnancy support. A bouquet of flowers, a pretty picture frame, an autographed 8 x 10 of a hot teenage vampire sucking on a virgin’s neck—I’m sure anything like that would be very much appreciated.
Now stop worrying about them for a minute and give yourself a present: for the next few weeks, sleep in, load up on ice cream, get a massage, and just sprawl on the couch in your underwear watching bad Freddie Prinze Jr. movies. You’ll thank yourself later.
Good luck!
Wendi, TMH
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I Want to Have a Baby With a Mule
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need your help. But before I go into details I must warn you that my husband is extremely stubborn, like a mule.
When we were dating, I made it clear I wanted three children. We now have two children together, and he has a son from a previous marriage, though we rarely see him. At 32, I was diagnosed with cancer and the treatments were likely to cause menopause. The doctor suggested harvesting eggs to use at a different time. My husband told the doctor that we should consider it but we opted not to since it would be time consuming and my cancer needed treatment quickly.
I’m in remission now and not in menopause, and I have a raging case of baby fever! My husband however does not. I have begged and bargained with him and he’s not budging. He says that he has three kids and that’s enough.
I brought up the mention of his interest in harvesting eggs, that I thought he wanted more children as well. He said he suggested it in case we ever divorce, then I could have children with a new husband. In fact, he said he does not want to stop my desires and would gladly let me divorce him to find a husband who would like to have children. What the heck!? I don’t want to have children with anyone but my husband. But the stubborn mule gig is getting old and his comments about divorce are really ticking me off. Mule is quickly turning into jack ass!
Any ideas how I can bring him around and get my way? I’m at that geriatric age when it comes to having babies, 35, so I’d like to do this sooner rather than later. Thanks!
Signed,
Raging Baby Fever and the Mule
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Dear Raging Baby/Mule,
You ask how you can bring him around and get your way. For a second there I thought the subject had changed to something trivial, like buying a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. But I see we are actually talking about getting your way over bringing a child into the world. Oy, it would be easier if you just wanted the shoes.
I’m not unsympathetic to your feelings, however. As I approached my mid-thirties, I had baby fever too. But after two kids, my husband was done. Done with a capital HELL TO THE NO. He scheduled himself a vasectomy and forced me to sign the consent form by torturing me with sleep deprivation.
Oh, wait. It was the baby that tortured me with sleep deprivation. So what, though, I feel you, sister. And I’m here to help. So I have compiled a list of strategies to help you get your way. What is the point of having another child if not to prove we can get our way?
#1 Find a baby and rub its scent on your husband. The smell of a pee, poop, and spit up will surely win him over.
#2 Slip on a sexy nightie, rub yourself with baby powder and then wake your husband up every two hours during the night. For weeks on end.
#3 Throw up on his shirt at least 4 times a day.
#4 Keep a tube of Preparation H on the bathroom vanity, right beside the industrial-size bottle of Tums.
#5 Soak your bra cups in water and then put on a T-shirt. The tell-tale wet circles will drive him mad with so much lust that he’ll lose his mind and agree to anything.
If none of the above works, there is one last trick you could use to get your way. It’s a very old trick. So old in fact, it’s listed right up there with the oldest profession.
You could always accidentally on purpose get pregnant.
If you decide to go that route, I suggest you visit this website for resources and advice, followed by a visit to this site.
Good luck,
Heather, TMH
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No Time for Baby Showers
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently got an email from a friend who wants to plan a baby shower for one of our co-workers. I’m happy to help but she wants to get together to go over the details. Listen, my life is full enough without having to meet-up to plan a baby shower. What happened to throwing out some ideas via email? How can I handle this without pissing off my friend?
Signed,
Too Busy for This
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Dear Too Busy,
Look, I understand having a full life. I’m working two jobs, raising two boys, pleasing my husband, and I still run 99.5% of the household. (Isn’t feminism great?) I am busy, busy, busy!
People nowadays are just so inconsiderate of our busy lives too. Don’t they realize the inconvenience it causes us when they insist on having babies? And here we are, required to celebrate such an event. Gesh, sometimes we’re even asked to sacrifice our lunch hour for things like this! Will their selfishness ever end?
Wasn’t email invented to make our busy lives more simple? Hello? I hope this mother-to-be has arranged for a webcam at the hospital so everyone can see the baby from the convenience of home. Who has time to visit a new baby and welcome him or her to the world in person? This is why technology was invented – so we can disconnect from other humans.
Really, life should be all about our convenience and not serving others, don’t you agree? I don’t know why we even have baby showers anymore. Have a Twitter party instead. Email your friend back and remind her we aren’t living in Mayberry, NC, in the 1950s. This is 2010, and a Twitter hashtag dedicated to the co-worker’s new baby is certainly the best (and easiest) way to honor her.
Or, you could get in touch with your inner saint and make the time to help plan the shower. Do we ever really regret acts of kindness and giving?
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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