06 May
Name Kelcey’s Baby!

As you may know, our beloved Kelcey is expecting her 4th or 5th bundle of joy–a baby boy–virtually any day now, and the rest of us here at The Mouthy Housewives are giddy with excitement (and relief that it is not us about to give birth). Over the weekend, we’ve been brainstorming and bickering over the best gift to give our BFF as a don’t-call-it-a-push-present. Ultimately, we decided that material gifts are not nearly as amazing as those that come from our hearts and brains, which is why our offering is the gift of a name.

That’s right. We’re offering to name your child, Kelcey! (Sorry, probably should’ve told you to sit down first, as we’re sure you’re overcome with gratitude for such wonderful friends.) Creating an algorithm we remember from our stripper days, and pulling from some of Kelcey’s favorite things, this is what we have created:

kelcey baby name

We’re taking a name from the cast of Friday Night Lights, adding the name of our favorite candy, and VOILA! So here are our respective offerings.

Kristine: Riggins Zagnut

If this isn’t the most refined name for a baby boy you’ve ever heard, then you must hang out with some really fancy people. Take this gift, Kelcey, and run with it. Your son is going to really make a name for himself in this world. All thanks to me. (Well, and you, I guess…and your husband, if you want to get graphic about it.)

Marinka: Buddy Kit Kat

You’re welcome.  And so is your baby boy, Buddy.  I can see him in high school now– The Budster! The ladies love the Kit Kat! I’ll start monogramming that pillow now.

Karen: Saracen Heath

People use last names as first names all the time now. It’s super-cool. With this name your boy will have good looks, good sense, and the ability to put up with the most annoying girlfriend ever. Plus, he will have a crunchy toffee center.

Wendi: Coach Taylor Twizzler

The beauty of this name is that even if your new baby is a complete disaster at every sport, it won’t matter because his very name will guarantee he gets on the team! Baby Coach! And, if he desires, the Coach name will later get him a job in purse design. Score! Plus with a name like Twizzler, he’s probably going to be really skinny and really good at yoga and light up when he dresses in all red.

Be sure to wish Kelcey the best and use the algorithm to leave your gift in the comments below!

Happy Baby, Kelcey!

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19 Apr
Tick Tock Goes My Biological Clock, But My Husband Wants to Wait

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am 24 years old and my husband is 28. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 5 months. We are both college grads with well paying jobs, good cars and a nice house. I am ready to have a baby-I’ve got the fever! My husband is not ready yet. He wants to wait another year or two. I could give you 10 million reasons why I want a baby, but as women I am sure you know them all!

I work from home, and lately I have been reading pre-natal health books, pinning nursery ideas, researching baby names and pricing out nursery furniture and safe car seats.

What do I do!?!?!?!?! How can I get him to want a baby as much as I do?

Sincerely,

Tick Tock

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Dear Tick Tock,

Oh, girl. You’ve got baby fever and you’ve got it bad! Unfortunately, it’s not a contagious disease, so I don’t think your husband will catch it, but I do have some medicine that might help reduce your symptoms:

1. Search colicky baby on YouTube.

2. Ask a friend with a toddler if you can babysit, then take the kid to the playground with a toy stroller. Watch other toddlers try to play with the stroller. Try to get them to take turns. [Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!]

3. Take a five year old to Chuck E. Cheese in the middle of the day on a Saturday. Do not bring earplugs — no cheating! Try not to think about all the germs in that habitrail-like crawl space thing that probably never gets cleaned by anyone.

But seriously, what’s the rush? You’re only 24, you’ve only been married for 5 months, and your husband isn’t saying he’s not sure he wants kids, he just wants to wait a couple of years (maybe even less). I have to say, I think that is totally reasonable. Have fun! Revel in that first year of marriage. Enjoy the freedom of being able to go out on a whim (babysitting is super-expensive, yo), travel places with only a carry-on, spend a weekend binge-watching Friday Night Lights, make last minute plans at least once a week, and for heaven’s sake SLEEP!!!! Seriously, I would almost pay you good money to sleep and then report back to me about what it was like. Almost.

Look, I get it. I’ve been where you are. It turns out 8-month-olds in fleece-y buntings are my kryptonite — they look so snuggly, and they’re at that yummy stage where they are just starting to show their personalities after months of just eating, pooping and sleeping, and you just know their necks are sooooo soft and smell sooooo good and ZOMGZ!! Just thinking about it almost makes me want to go for a third. Almost. But having a baby is just the beginning, and while becoming a parent is life-changing and amazing and full of joy, it also has intense moments of stress that can test even the strongest of marriages.

So, my advice is for you to take a breath, put down the baby books, live in the moment, and maybe revisit the idea on your one year anniversary…perhaps while wearing some racy lingerie.

Sincerely,

Karen, TMH

 

 

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11 Feb
Is My Wife Cheating, Or Is That Someone Else In The Video?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been married to my wife for 22 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years, and have five children and now one grandchild.

I have suspected for years that she has been having an online affair, and last September I received a link to a video of a woman having sex with a guy. I could only see the woman from the back, but I swear it is my wife — the woman was very pregnant, her hair was highlighted and the same length as my wife’s, and her back, legs and buttocks all match. It breaks my heart to think that she cheated on me, especially while she was pregnant with our son. I really don’t want to believe it. I have had many opportunities to cheat, but would never even entertain the thought. She swears it is not her, and even swears on our children’s salvation. Do women really look that much alike from behind? 

Sincerely,

Benjamin Dover

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Dear Ben,

Whoa. Just hold it right there, my friend. You are NEVER supposed to tell a woman you can tell she’s pregnant from behind. That’s grounds for cheating in and of itself!

Okay. Not really.

Was the video sent to you anonymously? Or, did it come from “Mike Hunt” or “Amanda Hugginkiss?” Listen, unless it would seem totally normal to you to receive a link to a video of two complete strangers having sex (I don’t know what kind of friends you have. No judgment.), it seems clear to me that the woman in that video is your wife. I am so sorry. Women do not all look that much alike from behind, and after 22 years of marriage, 5 kids, and one grandchild, I would expect you to know every freckle, dimple, and scar on your wife’s body.

A 22 year marriage is not something to just throw away lightly, though. And, after watching a marathon of a show called “Unfaithful” on Oprah’s OWN network (What? I had insomnia. I don’t judge you, you don’t judge me), many couples have gone through something like this and come through it stronger and more devoted to each other than ever. But not without help. If you do want to save your marriage, you need some couples counseling pronto.

Your wife may continue to deny, deny, deny, but regardless of that, there is a rift in your relationship. I wish you the best in working it out in a way that makes you both happy.

Sincerely,

Karen, TMH

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22 Oct
Help! My Foot is in My Mouth!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I take my son to preschool three days per week and I always arrive 15 – 20 mins early so he can play in the jungle gym before class. There is another mom there that always comes in early and we speak casually while watching the kids play. Well, I am 8 months pregnant and she asked when I was due. So I responded and then asked when she was due. She responded with “Oh, I am not pregnant.” I immediately apologized and said something stupid like “oh, I’m sorry I thought you were holding your belly.”

Ahhhh! I was so embarrassed and I feel horrible! I don’t know what to say to her the next time I see her! Please help.

Signed,

Foot-in-mouth Disease

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Dear Foot-in-mouth,

Ahhhhh is right! Not the dreaded hey-are-you-pregnant-or-just-fat encounter! And by a fellow woman, no less! There are certain codes that women are sworn not to break. Allow me to refresh your memory, as it appears you seem to be in need:

1. Do not covet another woman’s husband.

2. Never eat the last chocolate.

3. Always speak up about errant broccoli sightings.

…and, of course never assume a woman is pregnant unless she’s wearing one of those obnoxious Carrying Precious Cargo t-shirts. (And even then, make sure she doesn’t have a dog in her purse.)

I, like everyone else who is reading this post today, here on The Mouthy Housewives, am sitting with a grimace on my face that has probably added several additional wrinkles to the area between my eyebrows. So, we thank you for that.

At the same time, however–now that you’ve been sufficiently browbeaten–I’m also kind of laughing because DUDE! You know the code of never-assume-a-woman-is-pregnant-no-matter-what-the-circumstances! And yet you choked! And now it’s awkward! AND THAT’S TOTALLY HILARIOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!

Go ahead, have yourself a chuckle; I swear it helps. I once told a small child that she was going to make a great PLAYGIRL when she grew up. (I don’t know.)  We’ve all been there, sister.

Now that it’s done, however, you can only do one thing: apologize once more and bring a small gift (perhaps nothing sugar free, lest she read between the lines). Be totally over-the-top about it–it’s this crazy baby brain of mine! I have a rare form of Tourettes! I’m 8 months along and misery loves company!–but just do it this one time.

Once that’s done, you just have to wait until the next time you see her to see if it actually worked. Either she’s a even-keeled, reasonable person and will let it go, or she’ll remain awkward and distant and hate you forever.

You just can’t win them all.

Love,

Kristine, TMH

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30 Jul
Thank You for Not Smoking Around My Baby. You’re Not Smoking, Right?!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m going to be a first time mom this September to a little boy. My problem is my boyfriend’s parents. They smoke like chimneys, we do not. They have stopped smoking around me while I am pregnant and have agreed to not smoke around the baby when he’s born, but I don’t have much faith in that.

They smoked around my boyfriend and his sister all their lives. We had to borrow one of their cars this weekend and everything was covered in cigarette ash.

I don’t feel comfortable with them watching the baby. Even though I know they’re going to love this baby as much as grandparents should, I feel like they love to smoke more. How can I deal with this?

Signed,

My Baby’s Grandparents are Smokin! But Not in a Good Way.

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Dear My Baby’s Grandparents are Smokin!,

I’ve never been addicted to smoking although at one point, I did give clove cigarettes a real try in the hopes of improving my high school social status. But I remember my husband quitting smoking. And about five years later, I asked him how he felt about cigarettes and he said, “Man I could REALLY go for one right now.”

My point is smoking is really addictive. So let’s give your boyfriend’s parents some credit for at least having the decency to honor your wishes and not smoke around you while you’re pregnant.  Of course, it’s a little more complicated once the baby comes. Mostly because it will be about two years before your little one can tattle on his grandparents. On the upside, he’ll really wow his toddler friends by knowing how to say words like “cigarettes” and “nicotine” way before they do!

But in all seriousness, you are right to be concerned about this. Secondhand smoke is very harmful to children. There are many serious side effects, including a much greater risk for developing lung cancer later in life.

I think you need to ask yourself, “Are my boyfriend’s parents trustworthy?” If yes, then you have to have faith they will not smoke around your newborn baby. But they are human. And perhaps, together you can agree on a place they can smoke (maybe outside on their front steps) when they are caring for your baby. If they aren’t trustworthy, then you don’t want them watching your child anyway.

But if they are good people, work something out. Grandparents can add so much to your child’s life. You don’t want your son to miss out on that just because they have a bad habit they can’t break.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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