28 May
I Love Him For His Weiner…Dog

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I started dating a man about year and a half ago. When we met I had just come off of a 4 year man-hiatus, so I naturally said yes to the 1st man that asked for my phone number. The reason for my letter is because about 30 seconds into the relationship I started trying to break it off…..unsuccessfully. He simply will not accept the fact that I don’t want to be his girlfriend, wife, cook, housekeeper, cash-cow, etc. But, because I am in love with his animals, I do keep in touch and visit with them from time to time.

In a situation like this I think a PRO/CON list might be helpful:

PROS: He loves animals, he loves me (that’s all I got right now).

CONS: He has no bed and was sleeping on the floor when I met him (he has since upgraded to a couch on my suggestion), does not have a working refrigerator and doesn’t seem to mind, no screens on windows equals lots of bugs in the house, no dresser in bedroom equals lots of clothes on the floor, no money equals a lot of bills I have had to pay on his behalf and Christmas presents in the form of cash given in November so he & animals do not get evicted, he has terrible manners, is very clingy and needy which has a smothering effect, he drinks too much and smokes dope, chews tobacco which equals many many brown liquidy “dip” cups and bottles all over the house, overly attached to his mother equals no less than 12 phones calls to her each day, and he has a touch of OCD.

What should I do?

Signed,

Did I Mention He Loves Animals?

__________________________________________

Dear Did I Mention He Loves Animals,

Girlfriend, I love lists! For example, just the other day, I was at the grocery store when I saw a box of Tastykakes calling my name. I quickly made a list in my head.

PROS: They will taste like heaven, I will be happy for roughly 45 seconds, and they’re on sale!

CONS: I will have a sugar hangover because I’ll totally eat the entire box in one sitting, my husband will  be pissed I didn’t share, and I’ll have to spend an extra hour at the gym tomorrow.

You know what, I did? I bought the damn Tastykakes. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE TASTY AND THEY’RE CAKES! What am I, an idiot? So let’s look at your list. Do you see what I see? That’s right. A BOX OF TASTYKAKES WILL OFFER YOU MORE AS A BOYFRIEND THAN THIS LUMP ON A LOG.

Oh, I’m sorry, was I yelling? Ahem. Damn sugar buzz.

What do you want for yourself? Does your vision of happiness rest within a man who functions as a child, has no purpose or drive, and irritates the shit out of you? Of course not. (I mean, if it DOES, then maybe you are suited for each other. And/or a therapist.) You deserve better.

This man needs a nanny, not a girlfriend. If the animals are what keep you going back, then go to the local pound and get your own gaggle of pets. Or, you know what?! Just steal his! You would probably be doing them a favor, and while I’m no police officer, that argument sounds like it would totally hold up in court.

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH

 

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07 May
My Neighbors Have Gone to the Dogs

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My neighbors have three large (100 lbs) dogs that constantly run and jump on our shared fence when we go outside. This incessant jumping is tearing our old, rotting fence apart and I am terrified that one of the dogs (or the whole pack) is going to come into our yard and attack someone. I have talked to our neighbor about splitting the cost of a new fence (though we do not have any animals) and she agreed but now alternates between avoiding us or telling us she needs another month or so.

I recently noticed ANOTHER dog has been added to her pack. How do I get my neighbor to be responsible for her pets and other people’s safety without shelling out for the fence myself?

Also, I talked to our Home Owner’s Association and they said our best bet is to call Animal Control – but the dogs haven’t broken through the fence YET. Do I have to wait until they do so to take some action?

Signed,

Sick of the Doggone Neighbors

_______________________

Dear Sick of the Doggone Neighbors,

I thought there was an adage that went something like, “If you want something to get done, do it yourself,” but Google didn’t seem to think so. Maybe I just made it up. Or maybe that’s just what my husband says to me when I hand him his Honey Do list.

Regardless, I think the answer here is pretty clear: fix the damn fence yourself. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to go out there with hammers and nails, but you should hire someone, bribe someone, or otherwise make this magic happen. If your neighbor is giving you the runaround, he or she either really doesn’t have the money or otherwise does not think of the fence as a priority. The fact that it is YOUR top priority will not change your neighbor’s mind. I don’t know if there is a legal route for you to take, but even if there were, the process would be lengthier and more costly than a fence, I’d wager.

The alternative is to continue this game of doggie roulette every time you and your family are in the backyard, and that sounds about as fun as playing hide-and-seek with some grizzly bears. And if you need visual encouragement, just imagine what would have happened here if THIS fence were not properly tended to:

Exciting!

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH

 

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04 May
“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog

As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed

…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking.  That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.

And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:

— OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.

— If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.

— Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!

–Put me down!  Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!

— I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!

— Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?

— Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?

–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!

You’re so lucky, they said.  Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.

–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”

— How I Met Your Mot- Oprah

— YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!

— SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.

–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?

— I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!

— For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.

— And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!

— If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.

— Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.

— Now I know why Rosie hated this job.

— For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.

— Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?

— I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.

— Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

—  This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.

— Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!

–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.

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05 Apr
I Don’t Poop in Your House So Please Don’t Let Your Dog Poop in My Yard

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Someone is letting their dog poop in our yard. We don’t have dogs for a reason and this is one of them. Well, now I have no idea which dog this poop is coming from since we have numerous people who walk their dogs through our side yard to get to a trail that runs along the back of our property. We also have neighbors that have dogs.

I’ve contemplated putting up cameras to find out who the “poopetrator” is, but I have decided not to due to the cost of the camera equipment.  I’ve already flung the poop in our neighbors yard thinking he’d get the message if it’s his dog but the poop keeps on reappearing.

What should we do?

Signed,

The Grass is Not Greener in My Yard Because It’s Covered in Crap.

_______________________________

Dear the Grass is Not Greener,

At first, I thought you should immediately patent the word “poopetrator” but apparently there are others who have already coined the term.  Urban Dictionary has brought so much enlightenment to all of our lives.

This would obviously be a whole lot simpler if you knew who was responsible. But I’m guessing with the high volume of dog traffic in your yard, more than one pooch is to blame anyway.

I agree that installing cameras is way too expensive unless you can don some kind of cheesy wig, get yourself an orange tan, develop a drinking problem and land yourself your own reality show. If that sounds like too much to take on, I would advise some well placed signs in your yard…

Maybe something like this…

Or this…

Or even this…

Or maybe you just need this one…

That’s a whole lot cheaper than actually installing cameras or maintaining the perfect orange day glow spray tan.

You don’t have to litter your yard with these signs. Many sites sell small, tasteful ones if you’re ones of those people who, for example, prefers not to have a dog’s ass as your official yard logo.  The idea is just to remind people that your yard is private property, not an animal outhouse.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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27 Sep
How to Be the Purrfect Girlfriend

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and his cat is an asshole. He wakes me up in the middle of the night, attacks my feet and looks at me funny.

How long do cats generally live? My boyfriend is very attached to the cat, so please don’t suggest getting rid of him.

Signed,

Cat Hater

___________________________

Dear Cat Hater,

One of the things we pride ourselves on the most at The Mouthy Housewives is our ability to put aside our personal biases and answer each question with an open mind. Therefore, let me just close my Cat Fancy magazine and lovingly tuck Dickens, my little calico cat who gives me reason to get up each morning, into her silk lined kitty basket before I give you a fair and balanced response. (ahem)

YOU’RE A BIG, MEAN CAT HATER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD DUMP YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE REAL LOVE!

OK, maybe that response tilted a little more to one side than the other. Can I try it again?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CAT, GOOD LUCK WITH HIS MOTHER,   DUMMY!

Nope—still a little unbalanced, I think. One more time:

HOW DO YOU THINK THE CAT LIKES YOU MOVING INTO HER HOUSE? HUH? EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU STOLE HER PERSON, YOU MISERABLE THIEF!

And……nailed it. Fair AND balanced! Booyah!

Here’s the thing: the cat was there before you, your boyfriend loves the cat. Therefore, you need to learn to live with it. For starters, see if it’s possible to keep the cat out of the bedroom while you sleep. That should cut down on the waking you up part. Wear socks or shoes if she’s attacking your feet. It sounds like she’s got a lot of kitten in her, so that’ll probably subside soon.

And as far as thinking that the cat is “looking at you funny,” well, that’s just weird. Even weirder than The Friskies Fairy leaving cat food around your house. So unless you can get the cat to agree to wear little cat sunglasses, you’re just going to have to ignore it. The cat really isn’t out to get you. It’s more interested in the mice under your bed.

You love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend loves his cat. Keep an open mind and you just might grow to love the cat, too and live meowfully ever after. (Sorry.)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

P.S. Miss Dickens just had her 19th birthday. You might be in this for the long haul, my friend.

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