OMG. Did My Neighbor See Me Naked?
Welcome to Guest Post Monday! Today’s guest advisor is Rebecca Land Soodak, who I instantly fell in love with when she wrote my most favorite ever Craiglist ad. Rebecca’s debut novel, Henny On the Couch, (Grand Central) will be out Spring 2012. She lives with her husband and four children in New York City. Rebecca’s work can also be found at http://rebeccalandsoodak.blogspot.com/ and http://rebeccalandsoodak.com/. – Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We moved into our house a few months ago and didn’t have window treatments right away. I realized this only after I took a shower one night and my husband told me he could see me from outside. Unfortunately, I think (but I’m not sure) our across the street neighbor also saw me taking a shower a few times because he always acts really embarrassed and awkward around me. Should I bring it up or just live with this weirdness between us?
Signed,
Nudie Neighbor
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Dear Nudie,
I, too, tend to confront awkward situations head on; however in this case, I encourage you to resist the urge. (And by encourage, I mean beg.) You see, for some people, talking actually makes an uncomfortable situation worse. (And by some people, I mean men.) And if he’s already acting like a nervous teenager, a conversation will only fuel that fire.
But protecting Mr. Man from an awkward exchange is not my only concern. Words are powerful. Mentioning the faux pas could easily transform it into an inside joke. And in my opinion, intimate exchanges belong nowhere near neighbors.
In the meantime though, enjoy the mystery of not knowing whether he saw. (Or if he did-what he thought.) We married folk don’t often get the chance to feel the thrill of the unknown. I say, assume he not only witnessed your show (I mean shower) but he deeply appreciated the opportunity. Then take that titillating notion into your nuptial nirvana where it will serve you (and yours) well.
But back on planet earth-home of block parties and barbecues-behave like the little lady you are. Your hood and hubby will thank you. All you have to do is stand tall. Be proud. And remember, except for these damned clothes, we’re all just a bunch of bare-assed barbarians anyway. There’s really nothing gained in acknowledging it.
Sincerely,
Rebecca, Guest TMH
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Take Your Housewarming Gift and Shove It
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We were invited over to meet our new neighbors for a housewarming, and brought a bottle of wine. Neighbor lady makes a face, tells us she doesn’t like wine, and sets it aside. Her husband forced it back into our hands as we left.
What’s the proper Mouthy Housewives response?
Signed,
We’ll Drink It
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Dear We’ll Drink It,
Judging from their reaction, are you sure you didn’t also give your neighbor lady a new diaphragm? Or some K-Y Jelly? Or the Waterproof Jack Rabbit vibrator? (I know. Waterproof vibrators. The advancements in technology are amazing.) Or some kind of other inappropriate gift?
Or possibly the wine had one of those clever, funny names like, “My Neighbors Can Suck It” or “Don’t Even Think of Painting That Fence Because It’s On My Property.” That might explain such a strong reaction to a bottle of vino.
Or maybe they don’t drink. Even so, wine is the universal gift. They could have brought that bottle to their next dinner party and passed it on, spreading good wine karma throughout the world. Instead, they rudely shoved it back in your hands.
Clearly, these new neighbors are not going to be regulars at your weekly neighborhood Bunco & Sangria night so I would just let this go. Be cordial to them in person and suppress the desire to cover their car with decals from your local wine shop in the dead of night. And be very grateful you didn’t have to waste a bottle of your favorite Two Buck Chuck on those bizarre people.
Cheers!
Kelcey, TMH
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Help! I Need A Lifeguard to Rescue Me From My Carpool!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I joined my neighbor this year in a carpool to save on gas and sanity. We take turns picking the kids up from school. In my head it was a brilliant idea. However, her kid sucks. Big time! I pulled over the car today and said, “I can’t operate this vehicle with that kind of behavior.” He obeyed the rules of my car, but my children said that when they drive in his family’s car, he continues with the bad behavior—even calling my daughter STUPID and my son FAT and my children LAME.
OMG, isn’t that mental abuse and why isn’t my neighbor (who plans on living across from me forever) saying anything to her son? I can not stand that my children are forced to be around such a negative situation three times a week. I need to approach her. What do I say?
Signed,
Drowning in the Carpool
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Dear Drowning in the Carpool,
First of all, I commend you for starting a rideshare program. Not only is it better for our environment, but it also greatly reduces the number of sleep-deprived, crabby women zooming around town at 7 a.m. wearing nothing but $10 Merona pajamas and dried-on pimple cream. And that, my friends, is a surefire way to Keep America Beautiful. (The other being putting a bag over Dog the Bounty Hunter’s head, but that’s a story for another day.)
Now, I understand your hesitance in not wanting to confront your Neighbor for Life. However, I’m sure you’d agree that it’s far more important to protect your kids from the Carpool Toadie than risk hurting this woman’s feelings. That’s why I strongly advise you to diplomatically, yet assertively, tell her she needs to muzzle her kid because he’s upsetting your babies. If it helps, say something a little over the top like, “Last week after your son called my son “fat,” he came home crying and spent the rest of the afternoon shame eating Oreos in his closet. And then my daughter asked if she could hitchhike a ride to school in an 18-wheeler instead of being held ‘emotional hostage’ in your minivan. So I suggest you make things right, lady, or I’m reporting your ass to AAA.”
But if the honest approach doesn’t work, then might I suggest teaching your children a little coping mechanism that I like to call the “Five Finger Eye Stab”? This is where the tauntee takes the fingers of their right hand and gently pokes at the taunter’s eyes until he shuts up and needs a nurse. (Note: While TMH does not condone kid on kid violence, TMH also had phenomenal success with the FFES when they wanted Billy Washington to stop calling them, “The Grand Duchess of Used Kotex” in 1983.)
Basically, Drowning, it all boils down to being a straight shooter and telling your neighbor that you no longer want to carpool with Don Rickles, Jr. Hopefully she’ll get the message and try to change his behavior. And if she doesn’t, it’s no big deal to just drive your kids yourself every day.
At least then, the only bad words they hear will be coming out of your mouth.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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The Party Pooper
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my girlfriends is constantly having “house parties.” You know the ones—you go to someone’s house and they proposition you to buy stuff that you don’t need and really don’t want for exorbitant prices?
Well, at first it was kind of fun because we all have kids the same age and it was nice to get out and do girl stuff, but now it is just annoying. I’m not talking a party or two each year—she has a party at least every month. I don’t want to buy that stuff and, quite frankly, can’t afford it with our one income family. I’ve told her such, but she is just so pushy! I’m on the verge of filing for witness protection and getting the heck out of Dodge. How can I get out of these invites without completely ruining our friendship?
Signed,
Too Much Tupperware
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Dear Too Much Tupperware,
Ah, the neighborhood sales party. It’s a scourge that’s been around since pretty much forever. I think even Cavewoman Joan knew that if she invited Cavewoman Peggy over to her split-level, um, cave and plied her with cheap white wine, she’d earn a 10% commission on whatever stone cookware she talked her friend into ordering. Unfortunately, the only way Cavewoman Peggy could escape was by yelling, “My ride’s here!” when her husband came to give her a drag home, but luckily, you have a few more options.
Option #1: Buy, Buy, Buy!
No matter what kind of crap your friend is pushing, just whip out your pen and fill out that order form. Soon your house will be filled with scented candles, one-of-a-kind dinner plates, stacks of eyeshadow and really trashy lingerie. (Which, sidenote, will make your house a lot like Cher’s.) Simply do this for a few months and in no time at all, you’ll have an iron clad excuse for missing her next party: bankruptcy!
Option #2: Sell, Sell, Sell!
That’s right, I said “sell.” After all, where would McDonald’s be without Burger King nipping at its greasy heels? What your friend needs is a competitor, so it’s high time you went into the home party bidness, too. If she’s selling jewelry on Tuesday, then you sell SHINIER jewelry on Monday. If she sells ugly figurines at 7 p.m., then you sell even UGLIER figurines at 6 p.m. If she sells big, purple “personal massagers” next week, then you sell even bigger…well, you get the idea. Make it so hard for her to throw parties that she just stops altogether!
Option #3: Make yourself unwelcome
Not hard to do, but best when done with a subtle touch. The next time you’re at her home with a group of women, simply put one or all of these lines into your repertoire: “Oh, my God, you still have that couch?” or “Wow–whoever cleaned up your kitchen after that meth explosion sure did a fabulous job!” or “Hey, everyone—I think congratulations are in order because for the first time in three years, I didn’t see any herpes cream in the medicine cabinet! Our hostess is finally STD free!”
(That last one has kept me off invite lists since 1988.)
Of course, you could just try the direct route again and say, “I”ll be your friend, but not your customer, so please don’t invite me to any more parties.” Hopefully it’ll be the last order you ever have to give her.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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How To Handle The Neighborhood Hottie
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A neighbor of mine had plastic surgery over the winter and got a tummy tuck, lipo and a boob job. She looks fantastic, but now she wants everyone to know it. For the past few weeks, she’s been strutting around our neighborhood pool in a teeny bikini that’s not at all appropriate for her age. Now all of the other women here–her supposed friends–are making catty remarks about her and gossiping behind her back. Do I tell her to cover-up or do I just let her enjoy her moment in the sun?
Signed,
Pals with Plastic Patty
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Dear Pals with Plastic Patty,
If you live in a suburban neighborhood long enough, you’re bound to know a woman like this who undergoes what is commonly known as “a mommy makeover.” In fact, around my area they’re so popular that the city had to install a new stoplight in front of the plastic surgeon’s office. (Because Liposuction + Vicodin + SUV = Watch the f*# out!)
For example, last year a divorced neighbor of mine suddenly went from brown haired lumpy troll to skinny blonde hottie in Juicy short-shorts. It was like “The Ugly Duckling” story, only with Restylane injections and chemical peels. Anyway, what do you suppose her friends said to her after her big transformation? Was it “Congratulations on your new look”? “Now your outer beauty matches your inner beauty”? “I wish I looked just like you”?
Nope. They called her “T*ts LaRue” and got angry at their husbands for checking her out at Back to School night. Word has it that the nasty way they treated her made her feel totally devastated. (Well, at least until she started dating her daughter’s 30-year-old swim coach. That seemed to improve her mood quite a bit.)
But let’s assume that like Miss LaRue, the reason your friend had the surgery was to feel better about herself. And let’s also assume that her self-esteem is now quite a bit higher than it was before. Is that really something you want to take away from her? Chances are she’s no dummy and she already knows that people are saying snarky things behind her back, so your chiming in is just going to make it worse. If she’s not hurting anyone or causing any trouble or stealing anyone’s husband, just be quiet and let her strut her new hot body around the pool.
After the small fortune she paid for it, it’s the least you can do.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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