My Neighbors Have Gone to the Dogs
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbors have three large (100 lbs) dogs that constantly run and jump on our shared fence when we go outside. This incessant jumping is tearing our old, rotting fence apart and I am terrified that one of the dogs (or the whole pack) is going to come into our yard and attack someone. I have talked to our neighbor about splitting the cost of a new fence (though we do not have any animals) and she agreed but now alternates between avoiding us or telling us she needs another month or so.
I recently noticed ANOTHER dog has been added to her pack. How do I get my neighbor to be responsible for her pets and other people’s safety without shelling out for the fence myself?
Also, I talked to our Home Owner’s Association and they said our best bet is to call Animal Control – but the dogs haven’t broken through the fence YET. Do I have to wait until they do so to take some action?
Signed,
Sick of the Doggone Neighbors
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Dear Sick of the Doggone Neighbors,
I thought there was an adage that went something like, “If you want something to get done, do it yourself,” but Google didn’t seem to think so. Maybe I just made it up. Or maybe that’s just what my husband says to me when I hand him his Honey Do list.
Regardless, I think the answer here is pretty clear: fix the damn fence yourself. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to go out there with hammers and nails, but you should hire someone, bribe someone, or otherwise make this magic happen. If your neighbor is giving you the runaround, he or she either really doesn’t have the money or otherwise does not think of the fence as a priority. The fact that it is YOUR top priority will not change your neighbor’s mind. I don’t know if there is a legal route for you to take, but even if there were, the process would be lengthier and more costly than a fence, I’d wager.
The alternative is to continue this game of doggie roulette every time you and your family are in the backyard, and that sounds about as fun as playing hide-and-seek with some grizzly bears. And if you need visual encouragement, just imagine what would have happened here if THIS fence were not properly tended to:
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Harassment?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have lived in our apartment complex for just over 3 years now. One of our neighbors a few doors down has a teenage daughter who has been acting inappropriately since Christmas. She tells my husband (like he cares) that she is 20 so he can “talk” to her if he wants. (She doesn’t look a day past 16!)
She also won’t quit showing up where he is. If he goes to check the mail, she comes out to talk. We will get home at night and she’s parked across the lot from us, but when we come out in the morning, her car has been moved next to us. She has tried several times to give him her number. He tells her that he’s married with a family and doesn’t need her number, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him. She will also go knock on my husband’s car window when he pulls up to the apartment. He tries to ignore her, but she keeps knocking. She is very persistent and is obviously crossing a line. What can I do to get through to this dumb B!%@#?
Signed,
Hate Thy Neighbor
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Dear Hate Thy Neighbor,
Wow. This girl sounds like a real pain in the ass. It must be frustrating that she isn’t listening to your husband when he denies her advances. Obviously, you need to take action with more than candy-coated words. Call me crazy, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind!
Picture it with me! You and the husband are coming home from dinner with the kids. You walk up to the apartment as you normally do, but your husband lingers to collect things from the car. As Neighbor Girl of an Unknown Age approaches your husband, you sneak back out with a bag of flour, take aim, and toss! Fingers crossed it doesn’t land on the car! I mean, husband!
If that’s too messy for your tastes, there’s always the Indiana Jones route. Try booby trapping the parking spot next to yours so that a slew of angry fruit bats is released when her tires trip an invisible wire. That’ll teach her!
Maybe you can’t get bats on short notice, though. In that case, you should definitely get in touch with Gargamel and his cat. Those two are experts at catching annoying little blue things that are often inappropriately dressed.
And, I GUESS, if none of these seems to work with you, there’s always Plan Z . (But, I should warn you that it’s pretty obvious and therefore boring in its effectiveness and common sense level.) Get serious about this mess, stop bitching, and handle the situation like an adult.
If your husband has, in fact, been working diligently to COMPLETELY thwart this girl’s advances (and, based on your descriptions, I suspect he isn’t), you need to move to the next level. This means, if you think it will be effective, talking to her parents about the behavior. Or, you could just go straight to the police. This type of creepy behavior isn’t necessarily life-threatening, but it is indicative of a stalker, which can lead to dangerous territory rapidly. Get a restraining order, if you must.
This isn’t about an annoying girl, but about the safety of your family. Your husband should know that, and so should the cops.
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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My 7 Year Old Neighbor Thinks She Owns Our Home! I Think She Needs to Get Some Manners And Go Away!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The little girl next door is pushy and doesn’t take direction very well. She’s 7, and likes to pop in to visit with my 4 year old. That’s all fine and good, except she has poor houseguest manners.
For example, she doesn’t ring our doorbell; she just lets herself in our (gated) backyard to play. And when she does ring the doorbell, she simply barges right in as soon as I open the door. She’s nosy, takes spare change from my house and lets herself in uninvited.
I’ve told her mother about all of these things, but I’ve tried to keep it light-hearted– I don’t want to start a feud with my neighbors. But yesterday she came to the door while we were coloring Easter eggs. My son was happy to see her, so I let her in and asked her to join us. She did but was a little snotty about it: “We make prettier ones at our house.” Then it came time for her to go since I was getting dinner on the table so I said, “Would you like to take an egg with you?” She replied, “I’d like four.” I said that I was going to be having these eggs with our family. She said she had colored four, so she wanted four. I said one or two was enough; we have two little kids at home and we aren’t making any more. As I started towards the door, the little brat grabbed four eggs, stuffed them in the dye kit box and left, yelling, “I took my four!”
Her attitude stinks like a rotten egg. Do I say something more to her mother? Or do I let it go, and just try not to let her in?
Signed,
The Goose With Four Less Golden Eggs
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Dear Goose,
Before you speak with the mother there are a few things you may want to purchase:
- Electrical fence
- Home security alarm system
- New deadbolts for the front and back doors. I hear they even make the fingerprint kind! If you’re going to do it, why not make it fun like Star Trek?
- Stun gun
- Sprinkler system that is activated by unauthorized motion
- A guard dog. Or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s up to you to enforce the boundaries you need. Neighbor issues can be very tricky. While you can certainly speak with her mother, it seems that the little girl’s lack of respect for adults and unwillingness to accept the word “no” probably stem from her home life. Which means that it’s probable her mother won’t do anything to stop her daughter’s behavior.
For your happiness and that of your family you must establish firm limits. And while your son may really love this little girl and enjoy playing with her, perhaps she isn’t the best playmate for him to have around. You certainly don’t want to teach your child that this kind of behavior is acceptable.
And while it’s possible that the list above may be slightly over the top (maybe), I do believe that you should purchase a lock for your back gate and look into getting a chain lock for your door. This way, when you answer it, the little girl isn’t able to simply push her way in. (Or when she knocks, don’t answer at all.)
You may also want to call the Kardashians and ask them if it’s possible they are missing a child?
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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I Don’t Poop in Your House So Please Don’t Let Your Dog Poop in My Yard
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Someone is letting their dog poop in our yard. We don’t have dogs for a reason and this is one of them. Well, now I have no idea which dog this poop is coming from since we have numerous people who walk their dogs through our side yard to get to a trail that runs along the back of our property. We also have neighbors that have dogs.
I’ve contemplated putting up cameras to find out who the “poopetrator” is, but I have decided not to due to the cost of the camera equipment. I’ve already flung the poop in our neighbors yard thinking he’d get the message if it’s his dog but the poop keeps on reappearing.
What should we do?
Signed,
The Grass is Not Greener in My Yard Because It’s Covered in Crap.
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Dear the Grass is Not Greener,
At first, I thought you should immediately patent the word “poopetrator” but apparently there are others who have already coined the term. Urban Dictionary has brought so much enlightenment to all of our lives.
This would obviously be a whole lot simpler if you knew who was responsible. But I’m guessing with the high volume of dog traffic in your yard, more than one pooch is to blame anyway.
I agree that installing cameras is way too expensive unless you can don some kind of cheesy wig, get yourself an orange tan, develop a drinking problem and land yourself your own reality show. If that sounds like too much to take on, I would advise some well placed signs in your yard…
Maybe something like this…
Or this…
Or even this…
Or maybe you just need this one…
That’s a whole lot cheaper than actually installing cameras or maintaining the perfect orange day glow spray tan.
You don’t have to litter your yard with these signs. Many sites sell small, tasteful ones if you’re ones of those people who, for example, prefers not to have a dog’s ass as your official yard logo. The idea is just to remind people that your yard is private property, not an animal outhouse.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Quick Call Joe Francis! My Neighbor Thinks Her Front Yard is Girls Gone Wild!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbor, a 40-year-old single woman, has recently started sunbathing in her front yard. She just puts a towel on the grass and spreads out in her bikini. (And not to be catty, but she’s no model.) I find this incredibly tacky, especially since we live in a very upscale neighborhood. Also, she has a huge backyard where she can do this. I don’t know if she’s trying to get attention or what, but I can’t stand to see her out there. Should I say something?
Signed,
Not Larry Flynt
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Dear I’m Sorry You’re Not The Porn King,
It certainly sounds like your neighbor, let’s call her Tara Reid, is in desperate need of attention. Normally, I’d suggest a subtle discussion with her but before you do that, perhaps you might think about becoming a more “helpful” neighbor and assisting her in this sad quest toward getting noticed:
- Put up a FOR SALE sign in her front yard. Clearly she wants a buyer for what she’s got on offer.
- Have your kids set up a lemonade and ticket stand. This way your family can make some money off the show! Win – win!
- Put crime scene tape around her front yard and outline her usual sunning spot in chalk.
- Make yourself available to chat whenever she’s outside. It’s imperative to talk incessantly, and in detail, about your recent colonoscopy procedure.
- Spread a rumor to all the neighborhood children that whoever can tell Tara Reid the longest family vacation story will get a new iPpad! From her. Shhhhhhhh…
- Sprinkle birdseed all over her lawn so that the front of her house will look like a remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds. Everyone just loves that movie!
If all of the above fail to gain her the notoriety or dates that she so desires it might just be time to sit Ms. Reid down for a little chat. It’s possible that Tara has partied so hard she doesn’t even remember she has a backyard to take advantage of! Or maybe she doesn’t realize the possible impact she may be having on the neighborhood tween boys?
Most of the time I’m a “live and let live” kind of gal. But as someone who also has a neighbor who shows a little too much skin (in EVERY kind of weather! It’s like the man doesn’t own a shirt!) their decision of exposure does, in fact, have an impact on all of us who live around them and they need to be made aware of it. At the end of the day, after the talk, Tara Reid may no longer be your friendly neighbor but, in all honesty, was she really that before?
Good Luck!
Tonya, TMH
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