25 May
Mouthing Off: Take Your Kids to the Park and Leave Them There Day Nonsense

As you probably already know, The Mouthy Housewives like to keep up with all the parenting trends out there. If we’re not Tiger momming our cubs, we’re Frenchifying nos bebes, all in an effort to raise the best kids we can.

So when we heard about the Third Annual Take Your Kids to the Park Day and Leave Them There Event, we were all over it.  Because by that point, we’d spent a lot of time with our kids already and frankly we needed a break.   Seriously how long can we sit at the park talking to the other parents and texting while our children play before we need to recharge our batteries?

The event was the brainchild of Lenore Skenazy, the author of Free Range Kids, who believes that children should be…free range.  And possibly organic and grass fed. 

Lenore’s idea was that parents would take their children to the park (ages seven and older, sorry moms of newborns!) and leave them there to play. This would help the parents overcome their fears and let the children eperience independence and fun.  Either that or lead to nervous breakdowns all around.

Either way, win/win!

Take Your Kids to the Park Day and Leave Them There? How about Take Your Kids to the Park Month?!  Now that’s something to get excited about!

Except I don’t like it.

At the risk of being called a helicopter mom (hey, watch that propeller!) I believe that children should be supervised because…wait for it…they’re children.  It does not mean that their every moment needs to be micromanaged and I certainly think that some distance is appropriate, but not the “have a fun day at the park,  see you in a couple of hours” kind that Skenazy seems to be advocating.

Because sure, our perception of danger may be distorted in light of the real numbers in terms of predators and other who want to hurt children. But I don’t know a single parent who thinks in terms of statistics when her child’s safety is at stake.  No parent is going to say, “Only 12 people on the sex offender registry in this neighborhood? Love those odds!”

Nor is the danger-by-stranger the only reason to remain with your child at the park. What about needing to be there in case your child gets hurt, get thirsty, or needs to use the bathroom. To say nothing of keeping an eye on your kid so he doesn’t wonder off or get lost.

At the end of the day we all need to do what we feel best for our families and our children. 

Even if it’s texting on the park bench while keeping an eye on them.

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18 May
Mouthing Off: Why are Celebrities So Annoying?!

You know what we Mouthy Housewives just love and I mean, love about some celebrities?! That they never miss a chance to tell us how much better they are than us. Take actress Jennifer Connelly for example. Let’s see… she’s rich, famous and oh guess what, her kids don’t fight. AT ALL.

Yes, in a recent interview she said,

“They never fight, they look after each other. They are loving.”

Jennifer – OMG – We should be best friends because my kids never fight either. EVER!! Well, I’m not sure if I mean ever exactly.  Maybe more like – 14 minutes.

But seriously it was an awesomely quiet 14 minutes around here.

And Connelly credits her children’s congeniality to her and her husband Paul Bettany’s ability to spread the love.

Ohh…. maybe that’s why two of my kids are screaming in each other’s faces over a Justin Bieber sticker right now – I just don’t know how to spread the love.  Was that a seminar in college? I must have missed, “How to Spread the Love” when I was doing Sex on the Beach shots off my boyfriend Damian’s chest at the local university dive bar.

Connelly does admit that a huge age gap between her kids might also be part of the reason. Her kids are 14, 8 and 11 months. Okay, my children are close together in age but somehow I bet my kids could even overcome a big age gap to fight with each other. They are overachievers like that.

Anyway, I can’t wait for Connelly’s next interview where she talks about her house always being immaculate even though she’s never hired a housekeeper in her life! Stay tuned.

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13 Apr
Mouthing Off: Live Nude….Maids?

Recently, we heard about a sweet little company called the Lubbock Fantasy Maid Service. The Fantasy Maids are a group of entrepreneurial Texas gals who got tired of working in Gentleman’s Clubs and wanted a neater lifestyle. Which means now they’ll come to your house and clean it for $100 an hour—while they’re either topless or fully nude. And all we can say about that is, OMG WHERE THE HELL DO WE SIGN UP?!

Because seriously, if there’s anything we love more than housecleaning, it’s doing it with our jugs flapping in the wind. Don’t you all agree? Why, just think of all those bleach and ammonia fumes wafting their way up your lady parts, making you feel all mountain air fresh and tingly in the nethers! Who needs Summer’s Eve when your hoo-ha has Soft Scrub killing all the germs and caked-on grease inside? And of course it goes without saying that your naked ass will look absolutely gorgeous as you morosely push a Swiffer around the house and spray the shower for black mold and mildew. Rwor! SEXY, SEXY, SEXY TIMES!

Some other ways cleaning naked is a fabulous idea include:

You can polish the silver with your nipples!

And, well, that’s probably it. We should probably quit while we’re ahead here because Lord knows we don’t want the Nudie Housekeeping Association leaving us a hundred lengthy comments about our insensitivity to naked maids. Trust us, they can be quite vicious for a bunch of people who don’t even own pants.

Anyway, while this idea is definitely a little risque, we actually think the Fantasy Maids are the perfect answer for people who are, quite literally, dirty perverts. After all, if watching some hard working woman vacuum your carpet while she’s dressed like a drunk extra from Cabaret makes you hot, who are we to judge?

Oooh, you have (pant) such deep (pant) shag (pant), slobface!

Honestly, we’re just happy the filthy weirdos of the world will finally have their vegetable crispers cleaned out. (That is not a euphemism.) (OK, maybe it kind of is.)

But unfortunately, while we think this is a harmless little company, the Lubbock police department doesn’t agree. No, the coppers insist the Fantasy Maid Service is violating some kind of law or something. And that’s despite the Maids offering a very generous Law Enforcement Discount on their website, too. Um, hello, officers? Don’t you fellas want a waxed woman waxing your floor? Or your credenza gone over with by a bare breasted feather duster? (Again, not a euphemism.) (OK, maybe it kind of is.)

But listen, people. In our opinion, if these women are making money doing something that dirty perverts are willing to pay for and nobody’s getting hurt (or, allegedly, having sex) and the Slim Jim and pizza box littered studio apartments of Lubbock are finally being straightened up, who really cares? They’re all adults here, right? Hell, if someone wanted to clean our houses while naked and covered in cockroaches, we wouldn’t call 911.

Like they say, Cleanliness is next to Godliness. But you know what’s even better? Cleanliness next to Godliness next to Nakedness.

Especially in Lubbock.

Addendum:

To address a couple of our comments, yes, the Fantasy Maids send muscle to watch over the cleaners.

Thank you to Shari at Dusty Earth Mother for the heads up on this.

And, is that Wendi vacuuming? Seriously? Do you really think Wendi would ever….vacuum?

______________________________________

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27 Mar
Parents Behaving Badly Leads to Easter Egg Hunt Cancellation

From the files of Oh, You Thought You’d Heard It All? comes this gem:

The organizers of an annual local Easter Egg Hunt in Colorado Springs canceled this year’s Easter Egg Hunt.

If you think it’s in an effort to lower people’s cholesterol levels or to get the children out of the secular chocolate bunny world and into the House of Worship to celebrate the Resurrection, then you are absolutely adorable.

And wrong. Because the reason that the annual Easter Egg Hunt has been canceled is because some parents acted so horribly last year, the organizers would rather cancel the whole thing than have to babysit the parents. Who can blame them?

Reports of parents jumping in to get plastic eggs so that their child wouldn’t have to have the indignity of remaining eggless are mortifying, until you hear one of the parents explain:

You have all these eggs just lying around, and parents helping out. You better believe I’m going to help my kid get one of those eggs. I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I’d want to give him an even edge.

That’s right, you better believe it.  Because once you make a promise of a plastic egg to your kid, you don’t want to fool around with that blood oath. And if the other parents jumped in and swooped up an egg so that your kid didn’t get one, what would you do? Use it as a life lesson that sometimes people act badly? Or join them because you are not leaving without the motherfokkin’ plastic egg?

The parents acting badly are being labeled helicopter parents. We find that unfair. A parent can be overprotective and hovering (you know, helicopter) without being obnoxious to others. This goes way beyond that.

As parents, we all want what is best for our kids. And that includes Easter eggs and even chocolate and jellybeans. But sometimes we need to step back and realize that teaching our children that it’s okay to push and shove as long as we get the plastic egg is not the lesson we want to impart.

Now, Faberge eggs—that’s a different story.

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22 Mar
Mouthing Off: The Period Party

Do you remember when you got your first period? You were probably 12 or 13, a little freaked out and your mom or another female family member most likely gave you the supplies you needed and told you what was going on. However, if you were anything like us, here’s what probably didn’t happen: you were the guest of honor at a Period Party.

Yep, you read that right.

You see, it’s no longer enough for a young girl to start menstruating; now that particular milestone needs to be celebrated with a themed, invitation-only party. Much like everything else in some kids’ lives today. Seriously, are we raising a generation that’s going to expect balloons and cake every time they pass gas or put the toilet seat down? When will this nonsense end?

While we certainly agree that it’s important to take away the scariness and mystique of menstruating, do tweens and teens really need–or want–that done via a party? Like the one we read about where the guests “…ate red jelly beans, drank raspberry leaf tea, and gave their red balloons panty-liner mustaches.” Then the enterprising mother read them selections from The Diary of Anne Frank while they “dunked tampons in their teacups.” Um, is it just us or does that sound like a scene out of some whacko Christopher Guest movie? Like “Waiting for Aunt Flo” or something?

But if you actually do want to throw your daughter a Period Party, there are many resources out there for you. Like MenarchePartiesRUs.com., who sells a party pack that includes plates, cups, feminine disposal bags and the very exciting “Pin the Ovary” and “Puberty Marshmallow” games. So much more fun than the traditional “run to the bathroom and hope your period doesn’t go through your white pants or everyone in the 8th grade will taunt you until you graduate, you dumbass” game we all played, right?

Don’t get stuck in the fallopian tubes!

Other party activities we’ve read about include serving fun menstrual related food like red Jell-O, playing games like “tampon basketball,” as well as “pin the chocolate on the menstruating woman’s mouth” (Note: WE WILL PLAY THIS WITH YOU ANY TIME), and  giving the guest of honor “Welcome to Womanhood” gifts like a thermometer, a red candle and cotton pads. Just what every 12 year old dreams of unwrapping! Wow, it makes us wish we were getting our first periods all over again!

And if that weren’t humiliating enough for girls who don’t even like their mothers to drop them off at the curb at school, older women are often invited to the parties to “share their menstrual stories” with the tweens. Yeah. That’s not traumatizing at all.

“And then there was the time I had my period on my honeymoon, so my husband spent the entire time gambling in the casino while I cried on the bathroom floor. Which was still better than that time I had cramps so painful that I took three Vicodin and crashed the car into Walgreen’s. But not as bad as that other time I got toxic shock syndrome and almost died from sepsis. Ah, good times, good times! Welcome to womanhood, Ashley! Pass the Midol Martinis!”

Of course, it’s every family’s right to do something like this. And first periods have been celebrated by various cultures in different ways for centuries. The Native Americans supposedly held beautiful ceremonies for their young women. And we definitely believe that that menstruation is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of by anyone.

As mothers, we know how important it is to speak openly and honestly with our daughters about their bodies. Education and knowledge is key and we strongly feel that we should always celebrate girls becoming women.

Just without the red balloons, please.

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