06 Jun
Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills

A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.

The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.

But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.

And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.

But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:

1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!

2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.

3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)

4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.

5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?

6. Terrorists!  Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes. 

7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.

8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)

We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?

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06 Mar
Mouthing Off: Hey Little Lady, Come Take a Look at This Toy Car

If you’re like most mothers of young boys, your days are filled with confusion.

Confusion because, let’s face it, your son is not like you. Not just because he has the XY chromosome set-up instead of the more adorable XX, but he also seems to be interested in different things than you. You’ve tried and tried again to engage him in some of your favorite pastimes, hosting tea parties for stuffed animals, dressing up like fairies and playing house. (And if you’re Marinka, getting your 11-year-old son to watch The Bachelor with you.)

But through no fault of your own, Mom of a Son, the beautiful bonding just isn’t happening. In fact, for reasons unbeknownst to you, your son seems interested in playing with cars, trains, trucks, planes and other modes of transportation instead. WTF? It’s weird. And confusing.

Of course you may be scared, bewildered, and ashamed by this. You may not understand what exactly is happening, and why it’s happening to you, a mother who did absolutely nothing wrong and just wants to play Pretty Pretty Princess all day long.

But fortunately, help is available!

hotwheels

Yes, the fine people of Mattel, the makers of Hot Wheels, have answered the siren call of mothers who don’t know how to play with boys. These saviors in suits recently flew in some “influential mommy bloggers” (if that isn’t code for OMFG, we don’t know what is) to guide them through the mysteries of playing with cars with their sons. But first, they plied them with Bloody Marys and Mimosas. You know, because handling 2″ plastic cars is SUPER STRESSFUL FOR WOMEN!!!

“By talking to Mom, we’re extending the conversation to the actual purchaser,” Mr. Petersen [a Mattel VP] says. “I know it sounds so silly. It’s kind of like ‘Why didn’t you do that forever ago?’”

Yes, that’s the reason it sounds silly. And moms seemed to appreciate the wisdom imparted on them:

“I’m a girly girl,” Ms. Stroud (one of the possibly tipsy “influential mommy bloggers”) said. “So it’s kind of hard to understand how these little plastic machines can be so much fun, versus a Barbie that you can change her clothes, cut her hair, and do whatever you want.”

We can relate. Cars are definitely not like Barbie! They don’t even have a pretend vagina area! Panties don’t fit on them! LOL, cars are so strange! Next thing you know, we moms will be asked to DRIVE ONE! That is hilarious!

So thank you, Mattel. Thank you for knowing that as women we are incapable of playing with our male children. Thank you for understanding that we’ve been doing it all wrong for a few centuries now. Our sons will be better men because you’ve shown moms exactly how to push a little car on the ground and make this noise with their lips: Brrrrruuuuummmmmmm!

Finally, since the Mouthy Housewives have seven boys between us,  we’ve followed Mattel’s lead and broken down how to play with some traditional boy toys for our readers. It may be tough, but hang in there, Mom.

The Mouthy Housewives’ Guide To Playing With Boys

Balls! by Marinka: Most balls are round. Yes, there is The Football which is football-shaped, but we will cover that in our Advanced Ball course, offered next fall. So, most balls are round. This means they are good for rolling, throwing, bouncing and catching. If you are not ready for such active ball playing, try to ease into it by drawing a face on the ball and some hair. Name the ball. Get two big balls and some little ones and make a ball family. The Ballers. This will make ball play more fun for everyone. Or at least you. Your son is probably crying for some other unrelated reason.

Sticks! by Wendi: Sticks are from trees. (Trees are the big things that grow in the ground. The singing birds in “Cinderella” probably lived in one.) Sticks can be used to hit, poke and whack things. They can also be used as “light sabers” which is something from movie called “Star Wars.” Moms may recognize the shape of a stick because it’s similar to the wooden spoons they use in the kitchen to stir cake mix. To play with a stick, simply hold it in your hand and yell, “ARGH!! I HAVE A STICK!”

Thomas and Friends! by Karen: Playing with Thomas trains will suck the life out of you, and the only way you’re going to get through it is with alcohol. First, you’ll have to suffer through hours of watching the videos, because all your son will want to do is recreate what goes down in them because boys don’t know how to make shit up. Drink every time Sir Topham Hatt tells Edward he needs to hurry down to the quarry because of some stupid shit one of the other trains got into. Drink every time your toddler says Percy and it sounds like “pussy.” Drink every time you realize that the money you spent on that fucking table (you bought a table. for trains.), plus the tracks and trains could have been spent on at least one pair of Louboutins. Fight with your son because you want to fucking be Thomas JUST ONCE. Maybe you should stop drinking.

Action Figures! by Kristine: Action figures, ladies, are miniature-sized people that you use in a game that psychologists and physicists call “imaginative play.” They are often sculpted closely after the male form with close attention paid to bulging groins, disproportionate muscles, and powerful jaw lines. Boys will place these superior hunks of plastic in their hands and say things like “I will make more money than you for doing the same work!” and “My gender is intrinsically superior to my female counterparts!” Note:  it is not recommended that you leave action figures laying around with Barbies or other female dolls, as they may begin to multiply by means of coital osmosis.

Play Tools! by Kelcey: These are like real tools but much lighter and you can’t actually use them to fix anything. Not that you’ve ever used a tool to fix anything anyway! A gal would never get involved in that kind of man’s work in fear of chipping one of her acrylic tips. Play tools are used by young boys at their plastic workbench. So mom, don’t be shy! Head on over to the workbench and pretend that your food processor needs fixing. Smile appreciatively as your son gets to work. You two are really bonding now. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing his play tool belt as an accessory for nights out on the town. Give yourself a high five. You’ve got this boy thing down!

image source: Mattel

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28 Sep
Mouthing Off: Smash Cakes!

Excuse us, but we’re old. The average age of our children is 5.3 years (note: Marinka was in charge of the math on that one and she claims that her “superpower is guesstimating.”) But because we’re out of the first birthday celebration business, we may be a bit behind the times. So help us, please.

We hear there’s a new Smash Cakes fad, yes? And by “new” we mean for the past couple of years. Like we said, we’re old and don’t always know what’s going on with the youngsters.

But from what we understand, smash cakes are made by parents who have enough time on their hands to not only make one cake to eat, but one cake that’s just given to the birthday baby as a Smash Cake. Wilton even has a special recipe for one.

A Smash Cake is a beautiful cake that the kid will smash, lick, paw and otherwise destroy. Sort of the snuff film of cakes, if you will.

We are confused by this.

First, we don’t understand why a one year old must be have an entire cake for his/herself. Doesn’t this set him up for a lifetime of disappointment? Because listen, buddy, the only time you’re getting a whole cake to yourself is if you score an Entenmann’s at the local deli or lock your mother in her closet on her birthday. And it makes us weepy to see all of that baked goodness go to waste. Sniff. (Also, we love this tip from TLC.com: “Brightly colored cake frosting makes a great looking cake, but the food dye can stain skin for a couple of days and wreck havoc on your clothes and upholstery. If you want to keep the destruction at a minimum, stick with white frosting for easier cleanup.“)

Second, we don’t understand why these parents aren’t a bit more concerned about the crazy sugar high that the kids get. We’re getting our blood sugar checked after just watching some of the videos online. It’s like seeing the final scene in Scarface, only instead of a giant mound of cocaine, it’s cake and nobody has machine guns. Yikes.

Third, why not give a kid a regular from-the-box cake or a $5.99 cake from the local supermarket? (Or one from across town, if you’re in the 1%.) Why go all out with a fancy schmancy cake?

Oh. Wait.

It’s about the parents, isn’t it?

It’s because they want an awesome recording of their child’s first birthday and what better way than through cake annihilation and tons and tons of photos to put on Facebook? Ah.

Now we get it.

Image

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21 Sep
Mouthing Off: Sears Adds Playboy to Its Product Line

Have you noticed that some stores are already putting out their Christmas and holiday items? Have you already started fretting and fussing about the oppression?

If so, then, well…maybe you should up your meds? But if not, then we have JUST the thing that will throw you over the edge: The annual Sears Holiday Wishbook. Why? Because this year, they’ve added a new product line to the catalog of toys and clothes and gadgets that little boys and girls peruse with big hopes and even bigger eyes, and they’ve placed that product right after the Superhero Section. Ready?

Playboy.

Sears Sells Playboy

According to a Sears spokesperson, the choice to shill these decidedly adult-themed items to young girls is TOTALLY COOL because the Playboy Bunny has become “mainstream” and doesn’t necessarily “mean” what it “used to.” (I imagine she was doing “air quotes” as she released this statement.) A CEO of Sears Canada further explained this OMFG way by saying that they didn’t mean to offend anyone but that “not all of the products we carry are always going to be pleasing to everyone.”

And that got us Mouthys thinking. Maybe that CEO is right! Maybe we need to just “get over it already” and “stop being so sensitive” and just “be cool with the fact that tweens are viewed as sex objects!” So we’ve come up with a list of more items that Sears should consider adding to the toy section of its Wishlist for next year.

1. Adderall Lollipops

2. Maxim Backpacks

3. 50 Shades of Gray Lunchboxes

4. The Heidi Fleiss Hotpants Line

5. Hooters Headbands

6. Jenna Jameson skin care lotion

7. Anal beads inspired necklaces

8. Girls Gone Wild training bras

9. Baby’s First Pasties

10. …and a full sleeve tattoo with every $100 purchase!

What do you readers think about the new Sears Playboy line?

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01 Jun
Mouthing Off: The Catastrophe Award

A teacher in an Arizona classroom was handing out her end-of-the-year awards to her second-grade classroom two weeks ago. One can imagine sheets of colorful paper with things like “Perfect Attendance” and “Good Conduct” were being shared around the room.

How boring, amirite?!

Well, a certain Ms. Plowman seemed to think so. Because she awarded one particular student a “Catastrophe Award” for having the most excuses for missing homework that year. The recipient, eight year-old Cassandra Garcia, accepted the award while the rest of the class laughed at her.

Now that’s how you liven things up, teach!

Cassandra was rightfully humiliated, and her mother, outraged. Calls to the school were initially brushed off, but we imagine things are being handled now that the news has practically gone viral.

We here at the Mouthy Housewives, however, can’t stop thinking about poor Ms. Plowman. How will she EVER top this year’s award ceremony? Well, fear not, keeper of the nation’s future! We’ve come up with some additional awards that will be SURE to send your little ones home in tears!

(That’s the point, right?)

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

 

 

*****

*****

*****

Aim high next year, parents!

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