Stop Dating Losers!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a friend who has a knack for picking horrible men. I know I’ve had doozies in my life, but dude, it’s like she’s a Lifetime movie marathon. There has been 4 relationships in the past 13 years or so.
They’ve all been alcoholics, emotionally abusive, (though I have a feeling that she has issues in being abusive toward them also) some physically abusive, some addicts of various drugs…you get the picture.
She sucks at choosing men. She just got rid of one and I can see that she’s beginning to cave. Even if she doesn’t , she’ll start dating the first loser who shows her some attention anyway. How do I keep her from going into her usual self destructive path? I don’t want to watch it again. It sucks.
Sign,
Help Me Help Her
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Dear Help Me Help Her,
Yes, I do get the picture, but then again I’m a Lifetime Movieaholic.
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time a friend of mine dated someone I didn’t approve of, I’d probably have a private island by now. And not many friends. Because for some reason people don’t like to hear that they’re dating losers, abusers, morons and other undesirables in Rush Limbaugh t-shirts.
If your friend continuously dates men who don’t treat her well, it has as much to do with her as with them. Chances are she has low self-esteem, fear of being alone or something else that draws her to these people. And whereas you can give her the “You Can Do Better” talk, her issues are deeper than a pep talk from you can address.
But that doesn’t mean that you should be silent. Let her know that you are concerned about her physical safety and emotional health. Talk to her about what qualities her ideal man would have (but remind her that I am the first in line for Brad Pitt. With a bottle of shampoo and some deodorant). Ask if the men that she is dating are meeting her needs.
At the end of the day, if she is engaging in destructive behavior, you don’t have to watch. Tell her that you love her (or like her a lot), but that you simply can’t endure seeing her endanger herself repeatedly with men who treat her badly. Remove yourself from the situation.
It’s definitely easier said than done, but sometimes you have to save your own sanity first.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Compulsory Valentine’s Day Cards
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I got an email from my son’s 3rd grade Class Mom suggesting that the kids make Valentine’s Day cards for all the other kids (24!) in the class, so that no one is excluded.
I thought it was a cute idea, but when I told my son, he said that he didn’t want to do it. Should I insist?
Signed,
Cupid’s Mama Didn’t Have These Problems
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Dear Not Cupid’s Mama,
Should you insist that your son make Valentine’s Day cards in bulk to distribute to friends and nemeses alike?
Should you insist that your son celebrate an indu$try created holiday?
Should you insist that your son spend time and energy doing arts and crafts instead of battling Pokemon for badges, experience points and all that is good in the world?
That’s one of those parenting decisions that you have to make with your spiritual adviser, because no one answer will fit all families.
But no way would I force my child to participate. Mostly because the idea of overseeing this project is making me want to stress-eat enough chocolate to deprive several families of Valentine’s Day festivities. And because I see this project as busywork.
In my experience, arts and crafts and most third grade boys don’t mix (and it is absolutely not the mother’s fault. Not even a little bit, so quit your finger pointing.) Writing out 24 cards can be an exercise in torture for adults, and kids don’t find it any more enthralling.
One solution would be to ask your son to select a multi pack of Valentine’s Day cards at the local dollar store and have him write his classmates names on them over the course of a few days.
This has the benefit of being relatively painless for everyone involved and avoids the possibility of your son being *gasp!* the only one without cards to distribute.
Another option would be to suggest to the Class Mom and the teacher that you bring in muffins or an amaryllis bulb, as a gift from your son to the class. From what I know about 8 year olds’ affection for cards, they would much prefer a snack anyway. Or even a class flower that they could watch grow. Really, it’s the new paint drying.
The important thing is that your son understands that excluding his classmates is hurtful. If he wants to give a card to just his closest friends, he should do that outside of school, to avoid hurt feelings. Hopefully together you can brainstorm of a way to include all of his classmates in the celebration. And hopefully next year the Class Mom will be less ambitious.
Hearts and Arrows,
Marinka, TMH
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Gwyneth Says No To Botox: The Mouthy Housewives Come To Her Rescue.
Happy Friday everyone! The Mouthy Housewives were just seconds away from pouring ourselves a margarita to get the weekend started when we heard some startling news. In a recent interview, 39-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow was quoted as saying, “I’ll take my wrinkles. I don’t like the Botox thing.” Apparently, she plans to grow old gracefully? WTF?
We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:
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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.
Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.
Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.
Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!
Never travel without own soft-white light source.
Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.
Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.
Start lying about age. 80 never looked so good!
Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.
Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!
Conspire with BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.
Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.
Get Botocks. It’s totally not Botox.
Two words: Invisible. Tape.
Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!
Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.
Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!
So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!
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Unplug!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
It seems that whenever I go out with my girlfriends, they spend so much time looking at their smart phones that I wonder even why they bother going out. I’ve mentioned that I find it rude but they sort of keep sneaking peeks, claiming that the babysitter may be trying to reach them.
Any ideas?
Signed,
Luddite
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Dear Luddite (Does that rhyme with Crudite?),
Yeah, I hear you. I hear you because I also have friends and family members who tell me that I’m on my (Very) Smart (and Beautiful) phone all the time. But I can’t help it! What if I’m spending time with my friends like an idiot and miss an email about Target’s latest promotion or a text from one of my kids letting me know that the other one is a HUGE STUPID DUMMY! Or a tweet! OMG. What if someone tweets and I’m not there to see it? Will that tweet even exist?
If this existential exploration isn’t exactly what you had in mind, I have some other ideas. (And I’m going to assume, based on your question, that you already had the mature “It bothers me when you constantly check your phone while we’re out together because it makes me feel like you’re not fully present and are also probably plotting to kill me” and “the babysitter may be trying to reach me” is the grandchild of “the dog ate my homework” discussion. )
1. Play a fun game! I heard of a new trend of everyone putting their phones into the center of the table and the first person to reach for hers pays for everyone’s dinner. Surf and Turf with truffles, here you come!
2. Every time someone checks her phone, say “OMG, is everything alright? What was THAT all about? No, I don’t believe that it was nothing. Let me see! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!”
3. Instead of meeting at local restaurant next time, try a nearby cave (call ahead to make sure there’s no WiFi). Spelunking is the latest craze! Probably.
Hopefully, you and your friends will find a happy medium (try Patricia Arquette!) and your friendship can survive this difference of opinion on etiquette.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Marinka!
Hello! It’s time, once again, for Meet the Housewives! Last week we enjoyed getting to know Wendi and now we’re ready to Meet Marinka!
Name: Marinka
Hometown: NYC
Age: 44, but looks younger. Especially in childhood photos.
And now here are some Q & As that will answer all the questions you never had about her!
If you were stranded on an island what celebrity would you choose to be stranded with and why?
Johnny Depp. He speaks Pirate.
Which would you rather:
-Strawberry Hill or Zima?
I don’t do drugs.
-sleep with Karl Rove or give a full body massage to Gary Busey?
A little late with that question. (Call me!)
If you were a stripper, what would be your signature song?
If? Fine. I Will Survive. It’s a klassik.
What’s your blood type?
AB-. What’s yours? I always like to surround myself with potential donors.
Who is your favorite comedian?
Robin Williams.
Why is the sky blue?
Because grass called green.
Square or rounded?
Square. OMG, does someone choose rounded?
What should they name the first Royal Child?
Prince.
Most embarrassing memory?
Yeah, right. Do I look like I was born yesterday?
What are you currently reading?
These questions. Is this a trick one?
Why do fools fall in love?
So that we can have reality TV.
If you were on a desert island, what three items (or people) would you bring?
A ship, a captain, and probably Tenille.
That’s all there is to know about Marinka! Nothing else! Certainly no criminal record or anything, so stop asking! We’ll be back soon with another Up Close and Personal Q&A! Will it be Kelcey? Tonya? Kristine? Perhaps Wendi will get some more questions to answer! Try to enjoy the weekend amid all the suspense!
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