Motherhood in Six Words
Mother’s Day is this weekend and The Mouthy Housewives want to take a moment to honor all the mothers out there with a little tribute, so we’ve asked our favorite bloggers to describe motherhood in six words. Here are the beautiful things they had to say:
Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.
Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.
Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.
Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.
TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.
Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.
Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.
Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?
Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.
Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.
Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.
Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.
Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.
Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.
Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.
Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.
Ellen, Love That Max: Life is hectic, powered by love.
Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?
Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.
Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers
Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.
Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?
Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.
Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.
Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.
Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.
Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!
Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.
Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!
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This Is Not the Client List
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 22 years old and have been massaging for 3 years. Yesterday, I had a young man set up an appointment for a massage and I interviewed him prior to the session. He was 18 years old and was so nervous that he could barely have a conversation.
Apparently, he was from a small town that only had 37 people in it. Basically, he was very socially inexperienced and being in a big city for only 9 days he was still culture shocked. Anyway, I told him to undress completely or leave his underwear on and climb under the sheets. Well, he chose to completely undress and I began to perform a Swedish massage.
I asked if he wanted the glutes done and he said yes, but I was extra careful to be respectful of his privacy. Long story short, when he lay down on his back and I began on his thighs he immediately became erect! His thingy was twitching uncontrollably all over the place, so I applied more pressure and conveniently moved down to below the knee.
When I did the next leg, the same thing. As I’m staring at his ankles, I look back up and see his bright red face and his whole chest covered in semen. I was a bit shocked. He got up, left some money and went quickly. My partner said he must have masturbated after I left, because it is impossible to ejaculate without touch. Now, I can understand an 18 year old boy, that hasn’t had much female contact, getting an erection, but ejaculating and the amount, I just don’t know. I just feel a bit dirty. Can you offer me some advice for future occurrences and is it possible?
Signed,
Mary the Masseuse
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Dear There’s Something About Mary,
Before I get into the nitty gritty, let me get something straight. You say this gentleman was from a town of 37 people– does that mean that once he left there were only 36? Or were there 38 to start with and there are now only 37? Things like that always puzzle me.
As do underwearless massages. You know, for people who are not appearing on The Client List, Lifetime’s fun new “drama” about a woman who becomes a massage therapist with benefits, and I don’t mean health insurance.
Assuming that your question is legitimate (and I’m making the leap here because I had to edit some of the language in our question to make it less pornorific), I would suggest that you ask your clients to keep their underwear on in the future. As to whether a man can ejaculate without any hands-on-penis action, I am going to say yes, with a caveat that I am neither a sex therapist nor do I play one on TV, and that the answer may actually be no. (I am also confused when you say that he must have masturbated after you left, since your email states that you were massaging his ankles at the time of the semencident.)
Nevertheless, if you feel uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to see him again. Discuss the protocol with your partner. Let clients know that their underwear needs to be kept on. I would also recommend that you seek out further guidance from the American Massage Therapy Association.
Good luck to you,
Marinka, TMH
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“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog
As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed…
…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking. That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.
And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:
– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.
– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.
– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!
–Put me down! Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!
– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!
– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?
– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?
–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!
–You’re so lucky, they said. Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.
–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”
– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah
– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!
– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.
–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?
– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!
– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.
– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!
– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.
– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.
– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.
– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.
– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?
– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.
– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
– This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.
– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!
–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.
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Talking About Other People’s Children
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Yesterday I was sitting with a group of moms and they were talking about helping out at school and some of the difficult personalities they face with some of the children. I participated by saying one little girl doesn’t like to listen to my direction. That was the extent of what I said and I didn’t say it with a mean tone, just matter of fact. I later realized her aunt was nearby and may have heard my comment.
Should I approach the aunt and apologize? I do not know her that well but she is someone I like and respect. I didn’t say anything terribly rude but I do realize, in general, it is best to not talk about other children.
Signed,
Possible Foot in Mouth
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Dear Possible Foot,
Wow.
You know I’ve heard some things in my day, but this one really takes the cake.
I’m just going to take a deep breath and give you the benefit of the doubt. I will assume that you had an adverse reaction to some medication or maybe you were temporarily possessed by an evil spirit.
Because how else can you explain that awful thing you said about this poor woman’s niece?
I’m just glad that the whole incident passed nonviolently. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some litigation in your future over this issue.
Of course there’s another way of looking at it. That what you said is really no big deal. That it was not mean-spirited, untrue or hurtful. It seems that “doesn’t like to listen to my direction” isn’t a terrible thing to say about someone. It’s not like you said that she was a future Real Housewife or something. In my opinion, you should let it go.
You are not certain if the aunt heard you and if she did, she may have just taken it in stride. It’s possible that she may have even nodded in recognition. If you raise it with her, you may have to repeat what you said about her niece, which, according to my math and your sensibilities would leave you with potentially two feet in your mouth.
If you feel that you absolutely must say something to the aunt, go with something nonchalant like “That was some chat we had about the different personalities in the class!” or “If they made a movie about our school, they’d definitely cast Angelina Jolie as you.”
But I do think it’s important to recognize the discomfort you felt over this relatively minor gossip scenario. So listen to your gut and don’t gossip about other people’s children. Except behind their backs, like everyone else.
Take care,
Marinka, TMH
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He’s Not Your Goof!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My tweenage son can be what society calls goofy. And I mean goofy beyond that awkward goofiness every tween goes through. Think the Big Bang Theory goofy and you’ll have a better idea of the level of goofiness I mean – wicked smart, but very much into what our society considers “nerdy” things (i.e Star Trek, knee socks with shorts, etc.).
My question is is it okay for my mom friends to comment to me about his goofiness? Because it hurts my feelings, both for myself and my son, but maybe I’m being too sensitive? After all, they are just stating the obvious. Or are they being rude, and if so, how should I handle it?
Signed,
Don’t Call Him That
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Dear Don’t,
Let me get out on a limb here (and hope that it will support me)– I suspect that you are not super comfortable with your son’s goofy status. After all, goofiness, while definitely endearing, is not a trait that is most often associated with successful masculinity in 2012 America. Or maybe you are just fine with your son the way he is, but it’s just when your friends say it, you detect a smirk in their inflection.
Yes? Am I close? Beam me your answer! Because that limb is making cracking sounds.
Personally, I’m not a fan of labels. Although they definitely save a lot of time. Goof, geek, nerd, techy: most of us use these words and even those who don’t, get an instant descriptive image. But what the labels leave out, and what as mothers we may object to when they’re applied to our babies, are all the other qualities that our children have that go unrecognized. Because our children, like all people, are more than a series of labels.
It doesn’t matter if you are being oversensitive, if they intend meanness when they call your son “goofy” or are just using it as shorthand way to describe the qualities you recognize in him. What is important is that what your friends are saying is hurtful to you. And you need to tell them that. Let them know that you are not accusing them of doing anything wrong, but that you are sensitive on this subject. Ask them to refrain from calling him “goofy”– if they are your friends they should not have to struggle with honoring your request.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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