This Mouthy Needs A Manager
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Yesterday, we announced the kickoff to our Birthday Week, here at The Mouthy Housewives! As is tradition, we use this week to turn the tables on you, dear, wise readers, in the hopes that you can help us with some of our problems. This not only relieves our stress, but frees up some time for extra margaritas and wine spritzers!
Today, Kristine is calling for a little help from her friends…
Dear Mouthy Housewife Readers,
I’m kind of bad with managing my time. Since I, my husband, and our two boys moved from New York to Texas last year, I’ve found it difficult to get as much done during the day as I used to. I’ve tried making lists, and organizing my week, but without fail, I always find myself planted in front of a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon, or shopping for overpriced bohemian garb at Anthropologie.com.
It has created some tension in the house, since I’m regularly frustrated by my inability to set and accomplish goals. I don’t think I’m unmotivated, because I get a great sense of pride when I can do something tangible like organizing our files or moving the laundry pile from one spot to another. I don’t think I”m depressed, either, because I’m already heavily medicated! Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by how much that needs to be done? Or maybe I’m distracted in too many directions, since I work from home, have two young kids, and also am trying to starve myself to death on a juicing cleanse?
What do you think? Any tips?
Signed,
Kristine, TMH
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Motherhood in Six Words
Mother’s Day is this weekend and The Mouthy Housewives want to take a moment to honor all the mothers out there with a little tribute, so we’ve asked our favorite bloggers to describe motherhood in six words. Here are the beautiful things they had to say:
Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.
Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.
Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.
Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.
TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.
Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.
Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.
Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?
Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.
Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.
Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.
Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.
Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.
Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.
Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.
Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.
Ellen, Love That Max: Life is hectic, powered by love.
Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?
Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.
Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers
Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.
Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?
Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.
Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.
Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.
Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.
Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!
Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.
Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!
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My Neighbors Have Gone to the Dogs
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbors have three large (100 lbs) dogs that constantly run and jump on our shared fence when we go outside. This incessant jumping is tearing our old, rotting fence apart and I am terrified that one of the dogs (or the whole pack) is going to come into our yard and attack someone. I have talked to our neighbor about splitting the cost of a new fence (though we do not have any animals) and she agreed but now alternates between avoiding us or telling us she needs another month or so.
I recently noticed ANOTHER dog has been added to her pack. How do I get my neighbor to be responsible for her pets and other people’s safety without shelling out for the fence myself?
Also, I talked to our Home Owner’s Association and they said our best bet is to call Animal Control – but the dogs haven’t broken through the fence YET. Do I have to wait until they do so to take some action?
Signed,
Sick of the Doggone Neighbors
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Dear Sick of the Doggone Neighbors,
I thought there was an adage that went something like, “If you want something to get done, do it yourself,” but Google didn’t seem to think so. Maybe I just made it up. Or maybe that’s just what my husband says to me when I hand him his Honey Do list.
Regardless, I think the answer here is pretty clear: fix the damn fence yourself. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to go out there with hammers and nails, but you should hire someone, bribe someone, or otherwise make this magic happen. If your neighbor is giving you the runaround, he or she either really doesn’t have the money or otherwise does not think of the fence as a priority. The fact that it is YOUR top priority will not change your neighbor’s mind. I don’t know if there is a legal route for you to take, but even if there were, the process would be lengthier and more costly than a fence, I’d wager.
The alternative is to continue this game of doggie roulette every time you and your family are in the backyard, and that sounds about as fun as playing hide-and-seek with some grizzly bears. And if you need visual encouragement, just imagine what would have happened here if THIS fence were not properly tended to:
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog
As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed…
…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking. That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.
And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:
– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.
– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.
– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!
–Put me down! Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!
– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!
– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?
– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?
–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!
–You’re so lucky, they said. Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.
–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”
– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah
– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!
– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.
–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?
– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!
– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.
– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!
– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.
– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.
– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.
– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.
– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?
– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.
– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
– This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.
– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!
–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.
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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Harassment?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have lived in our apartment complex for just over 3 years now. One of our neighbors a few doors down has a teenage daughter who has been acting inappropriately since Christmas. She tells my husband (like he cares) that she is 20 so he can “talk” to her if he wants. (She doesn’t look a day past 16!)
She also won’t quit showing up where he is. If he goes to check the mail, she comes out to talk. We will get home at night and she’s parked across the lot from us, but when we come out in the morning, her car has been moved next to us. She has tried several times to give him her number. He tells her that he’s married with a family and doesn’t need her number, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him. She will also go knock on my husband’s car window when he pulls up to the apartment. He tries to ignore her, but she keeps knocking. She is very persistent and is obviously crossing a line. What can I do to get through to this dumb B!%@#?
Signed,
Hate Thy Neighbor
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Dear Hate Thy Neighbor,
Wow. This girl sounds like a real pain in the ass. It must be frustrating that she isn’t listening to your husband when he denies her advances. Obviously, you need to take action with more than candy-coated words. Call me crazy, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind!
Picture it with me! You and the husband are coming home from dinner with the kids. You walk up to the apartment as you normally do, but your husband lingers to collect things from the car. As Neighbor Girl of an Unknown Age approaches your husband, you sneak back out with a bag of flour, take aim, and toss! Fingers crossed it doesn’t land on the car! I mean, husband!
If that’s too messy for your tastes, there’s always the Indiana Jones route. Try booby trapping the parking spot next to yours so that a slew of angry fruit bats is released when her tires trip an invisible wire. That’ll teach her!
Maybe you can’t get bats on short notice, though. In that case, you should definitely get in touch with Gargamel and his cat. Those two are experts at catching annoying little blue things that are often inappropriately dressed.
And, I GUESS, if none of these seems to work with you, there’s always Plan Z . (But, I should warn you that it’s pretty obvious and therefore boring in its effectiveness and common sense level.) Get serious about this mess, stop bitching, and handle the situation like an adult.
If your husband has, in fact, been working diligently to COMPLETELY thwart this girl’s advances (and, based on your descriptions, I suspect he isn’t), you need to move to the next level. This means, if you think it will be effective, talking to her parents about the behavior. Or, you could just go straight to the police. This type of creepy behavior isn’t necessarily life-threatening, but it is indicative of a stalker, which can lead to dangerous territory rapidly. Get a restraining order, if you must.
This isn’t about an annoying girl, but about the safety of your family. Your husband should know that, and so should the cops.
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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