24 Sep
How Do I Get My Kid To Sleep in His Own Bed?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Our son is almost 4 and still sleeps in bed with us; right there between my husband and me. It’s awful. No one’s getting any good sleep, and sex is basically out of the question. How can we gently take back our bed?

Signed,

From the Edge of the Bed

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24 Aug
Well, Bless Your Heart — Uh, Unless That Offends You

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

The other day I was at the house of my daughter’s friend. The kids were having a play date and I was chatting with the mom. Our daughters were in preschool together, but I don’t know the family that well. At some point her husband joined us and we had a pleasant conversation until he sneezed, and I said, “Bless you!” His response? “I’m an atheist, and I don’t want to be blessed.”

I was really taken aback and didn’t say anything.

Should I have? Should I say something to him or his wife?

Signed,

Achoo

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05 Jul
How Do I Tell My Friend I Don’t Want Her Kid Around?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Over the past few years, a woman I’m friendly with often asked me if it’s ok if her son comes over after school with my son. At first I didn’t mind, because the boys were friends, but over the last half of the school year, it was obvious that they sort of drifted apart and didn’t really have any common interests. I didn’t say anything to my friend because the school year was coming to an end and I knew she asked me only when she was in a jam because of work and couldn’t pick up her son. But now it’s the summer, and she’d asked me several times if her kid could spend the day with us.

Normally I’d say sure, I’m a stay at home mom, and her kid is really easy good and no trouble. But I feel uncomfortable forcing his company on my kid, since they’re not friends. Should I say something to my friend?

Signed,

Feeling Guilty Already
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Dear Feeling Guilty,

You had a kid not related to you come to your house throughout the whole school year and now you feel guilty? Look, I personally have never been canonized, so I’m not fully familiar with the secret lives of saints, but I think you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

Sure, it was nice and easy for you and nice and convenient for your friend when your boys were friends and enjoyed hanging out together. But then those darn kids had to develop their own personalities and their own interests and drifted apart. So as of right now, the boys are not friends and having this boy over at your house isn’t a great fit.

You have to let your friend know. Tell her that it looks like the boys’ relationship changed and it doesn’t seem like they enjoy hanging out together. Tell her that maybe it will change again in the future, but for now maybe it’s best if they don’t spend so much time together. If you think they have a cordial relationship and an occasional outing to the batting cages or a movie or some other group activity is appropriate, let her know that you would be happy to include her son. Just not on a regular basis.

It’s entirely possible that your friend may not know that your sons are no longer close. Sometimes our kids don’t discuss relationships and friendships with us as much as we’d like them to and your bringing it up may lead to an important conversation between them. Maybe there are other friends whose houses he’d like to go to on days when his mom can’t pick him up. Of course it’s also possible that your friend may feel slighted. Make sure you explain that her son is welcome in her home and that she knows that she can rely on you in a pinch.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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06 Jun
Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills

A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.

The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.

But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.

And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.

But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:

1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!

2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.

3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)

4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.

5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?

6. Terrorists!  Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes. 

7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.

8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)

We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?

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04 Jun
Does a Bad Teacher Deserve a Gift?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Do I have to give my kid’s teacher an end of the year gift if I hate her?

Signed,

She Doesn’t Even Deserve a Crappy Gift Certificate to the Dollar Store

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Dear She Doesn’t Even Deserve a Crappy Gift Certificate to the Dollar Store,

I’ve never hated one of my kids’ teachers but I have hated lots of other things. Like trying on bras in some snotty department store. Eating eggplant. Sitting in traffic. And don’t even get me started on the trifecta of trying on bras while eating eggplant in traffic. That is the worst. So I understand your feelings.

You could give her something that she clearly already has a million of – like a frame or a mug. Even better, get one with an apple on it! She can stew over that annoying gift. Or how about an expired gift certificate. I know you have one in your wallet. Or maybe a Yankee Candle in the scent Mmm… Bacon. Nothing says, “Thanks for being a jerk to my kid” like a bacon scented candle.

Another option is to “accidentally” forget to give her a gift all together. Kind of like how she forgot to be nice to your child all year long. But your class might be doing a group cash gift. If that’s the case, suck it up, throw in your $20 and be done with it. Think of it as putting good karma into the universe. And hopefully that means none of your younger kids (if you have them) will get this rotten teacher.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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