A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.
The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.
But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.
And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.
But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:
1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!
2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.
3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)
4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.
5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?
6. Terrorists! Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes.
7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.
8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)
We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Do I have to give my kid’s teacher an end of the year gift if I hate her?
She Doesn’t Even Deserve a Crappy Gift Certificate to the Dollar Store
Dear She Doesn’t Even Deserve a Crappy Gift Certificate to the Dollar Store,
I’ve never hated one of my kids’ teachers but I have hated lots of other things. Like trying on bras in some snotty department store. Eating eggplant. Sitting in traffic. And don’t even get me started on the trifecta of trying on bras while eating eggplant in traffic. That is the worst. So I understand your feelings.
You could give her something that she clearly already has a million of – like a frame or a mug. Even better, get one with an apple on it! She can stew over that annoying gift. Or how about an expired gift certificate. I know you have one in your wallet. Or maybe a Yankee Candle in the scent Mmm… Bacon. Nothing says, “Thanks for being a jerk to my kid” like a bacon scented candle.
Another option is to “accidentally” forget to give her a gift all together. Kind of like how she forgot to be nice to your child all year long. But your class might be doing a group cash gift. If that’s the case, suck it up, throw in your $20 and be done with it. Think of it as putting good karma into the universe. And hopefully that means none of your younger kids (if you have them) will get this rotten teacher.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Am I crazy or is this inappropriate behavior? We visit my mother-in-law at an ocean-side community where she spends her summers. We have 3 kids, ages 9, 7, and 3. Her camper is not in any way child proofed. She feels the children should just not touch things. This is a woman who once set her table with beautiful china for a special occasion and put a china place setting where my then-2-year old was sitting.
The kids (being kids) are curious about everything in her camper. But all they hear is “Don’t touch. Don’t put your feet on the couch. Don’t play with that.” Since we’ve had kids old enough to walk, visits have been uncomfortable as we have such extreme differences in parenting. Luckily, my husband and I are on the same page. And we have great kids (polite and well-behaved) who on occasion, make noise and touch things.
Most visits end up with me walking the kids in the yard while she asks my husband to fix her computer. Last night after supper she pulled out her last will and testament and asked my husband to read it over carefully in case he had questions. Read it over carefully? In a small enclosed space with 3 kids, 2 cats and a dog? Huh? Is there not a better, more appropriate time for such a thing? If my husband says anything, her standard response is, “I’m sorry I’m so awful and that your childhood was so terrible.”
During the school year she is 4 hours away and we do not visit, but now she is spending summers less than 45 minutes from our house and expects us to visit often. I know she is a lonely old lady who loves her grandchildren, but what can we do to make visits easier and less stressful for everyone?
I’d Rather Take My Kids to a China Shop Than My Mother-in-Law’s
Dear I’d Rather Take My Kids to a China Shop,
I was thinking about your problem while my 2-year-old twins sipped apple juice from their Tiffany English fine bone china flora teacups. And frankly, the situation sounds miserable.
Relationships with in-laws can get complicated. You mention that you and your husband are on the same page but isn’t it time for him to stand up to his mother? I understand she’s old and means well but what exactly does she expect your kids to do at her house? Play mah jongg?! (Although I think that’s what Marinka’s kids do.)
I’ve noticed that as people get older, they sort of forget what children are like. Who can blame them? They are probably blocking out some traumatic event like the time their toddler pooped in her pants during the middle of dinner at a restaurant and they had no spare clothes. (This may or may not have happened to me in the past week.)
But your husband needs to refresh your mother-in-law’s memory because children – even well behaved ones – need some leeway. He should say to him mom, “We love you and we enjoy seeing you but it’s unrealistic to expect young kids to sit in your camper and not touch anything. So until they are a little older, why don’t we meet at a playground or at the beach so they can run around while we visit together.” Or maybe you can take her out to dinner when you visit. Anything to avoid that camper!
If she’s not able to get around, then bring a bag of stuff for the kids to do (drawing, board games, books, etc) and then grab ice cream for them afterwards for suffering through another visit to grandma’s where the only thing they are apparently allowed to do is look at her adoringly.
Remember – you are not required to visit her constantly and if she has any documents for your husband to look over, he should take them home and do it there.
Good luck and remember the summer usually flies by!
As you may know, our beloved Kelcey is expecting her 4th or 5th bundle of joy–a baby boy–virtually any day now, and the rest of us here at The Mouthy Housewives are giddy with excitement (and relief that it is not us about to give birth). Over the weekend, we’ve been brainstorming and bickering over the best gift to give our BFF as a don’t-call-it-a-push-present. Ultimately, we decided that material gifts are not nearly as amazing as those that come from our hearts and brains, which is why our offering is the gift of a name.
That’s right. We’re offering to name your child, Kelcey! (Sorry, probably should’ve told you to sit down first, as we’re sure you’re overcome with gratitude for such wonderful friends.) Creating an algorithm we remember from our stripper days, and pulling from some of Kelcey’s favorite things, this is what we have created:
We’re taking a name from the cast of Friday Night Lights, adding the name of our favorite candy, and VOILA! So here are our respective offerings.
Kristine: Riggins Zagnut
If this isn’t the most refined name for a baby boy you’ve ever heard, then you must hang out with some really fancy people. Take this gift, Kelcey, and run with it. Your son is going to really make a name for himself in this world. All thanks to me. (Well, and you, I guess…and your husband, if you want to get graphic about it.)
Marinka: Buddy Kit Kat
You’re welcome. And so is your baby boy, Buddy. I can see him in high school now– The Budster! The ladies love the Kit Kat! I’ll start monogramming that pillow now.
Karen: Saracen Heath
People use last names as first names all the time now. It’s super-cool. With this name your boy will have good looks, good sense, and the ability to put up with the most annoying girlfriend ever. Plus, he will have a crunchy toffee center.
Wendi: Coach Taylor Twizzler
The beauty of this name is that even if your new baby is a complete disaster at every sport, it won’t matter because his very name will guarantee he gets on the team! Baby Coach! And, if he desires, the Coach name will later get him a job in purse design. Score! Plus with a name like Twizzler, he’s probably going to be really skinny and really good at yoga and light up when he dresses in all red.
Be sure to wish Kelcey the best and use the algorithm to leave your gift in the comments below!
Happy Baby, Kelcey!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently bought my first house and my sister is throwing me a housewarming party to celebrate. I announced the date two months ago. I invited about ten good friends plus their significant others. And a few co-workers. Most of them RSVP’ed but now almost everyone has canceled.
Out of 20+ people who had planned on coming, there is only going to be 4 people for sure. Even my best friend cancelled because her husband “was feeling eh about the 2 hr drive.” (Umm.. You can’t drive yourself?) It seems as though most people have made an excuse not to come even though my sister planned it two months in advance. I did move 2 hours away from some of my friends but I still make an effort to drive to see them. I should also mention that I bought my house in January and only a few friends have been over to see it.
My sister is expecting a food count of 20+ people and I had to inform her today (4 days before the party) that probably only 4 people are going to show up. I feel humiliated and pissed off! I thought I had better friends than this.
Lois and Her Lame Friends
Let’s see. If you have 20 friends who RSVP’d to a party planned 2 months in advance and only 4 are planning to show up but they have to drive 2 hours each way to get there, and you multiply by the square root of π, then how many friends will actually show up?
I think the answer might be 2. Or maybe the answer is – you need some perspective on this.
It doesn’t really matter how far in advance you plan a party, people will cancel. It’s the human nature of, “Oh my gosh, I’m so tired from work and my kids and getting to the gym and walking the dog and cleaning the bathroom and I just want to stay home and watch TV.” I have friends who don’t want to drive an extra 6 minutes to a dinner in the next town over. So it comes as no surprise that your friends don’t want to drive FOUR hours round trip for a housewarming party. That is a lot of driving. And I’m guessing it has very little to do with their desire to see you.
You have to remember that you moved away and yes, I’m sure a couple close friends will come out to see you and your new house. I know you are disappointed but you really have to try to not take it personally that people aren’t going to be banging down your door to check out your new abode.
I would cancel the party and plan a brunch at the half way point between you and your friends. Your treat. You can show them lots of photos of your new place. The important thing here is to stay connected to people who mean a lot to you.