Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We live in a neighborhood where everyone decorates the outside of their house for Christmas. We never do because we go out of town and aren’t that into spending money on something that doesn’t matter to us. However, recently a couple of neighbors have passive-aggressively made comments about how bad it looks to have our house dark on a festive street. Should I cave in and hang up some lights (which I can’t afford to give either time or money to) or just ignore them? I don’t want to cause trouble.
Am I Gretchen the Grinch?
To read the answer, click here…
You know how much we love giving advice. But we Mouthy Housewives have to take a little hiatus. With all this heat our hair has gone haywire and we are beginning to look like the Richard Simmons quintuplets and that’s just not an appropriate look for the important task of helping you solve your problems.
Plus, the hot weather is just frying our brains, despite the fact that Marinka worked out a deal for Chris Brown to fan us and feed us ice cold grapes 24/7 as part of his community service requirements. Man, why can’t Ryan Gosling ever be on probation?!
Please enjoy your summer! We will probably spend most of it flying to and from London to help look after the royal bambino. Those first-time moms need a lot of guidance. We will miss you terribly, and as a coping mechanism, we will most likely have to partake in lemon drop shots and dirty dancing with Prince Harry. But we’ll still be over at BlogHer Moms with our weekly dose of wisdom, so visit us there!
Goodbye for now,
The Mouthy Housewives
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter Sadie is 11 and our neighbor’s daughter Alexis is 9. Alexis’ grandparents have a pool and Alexis invited Sadie to come swim. Alexis is used to getting her way so her grandpa said yes. This is the first time in 2 years that Sadie has been invited to swim. I said only 30 minutes because we had plans that day.
My daughter Sadie doesn’t swim well and I was under the impression that the grandma would watch them swim, but based on what my daughter told me, I don’t think they were supervised well. Plus, Alexis begged Sadie to jump off the diving board after I told both of them she had to stay in the shallow end.
I am not technically invited to go to their house, but feel like I need to if she goes swimming. And they may not really want Sadie over there and are just letting Alexis have her way. So do you think I should go over there to watch her swim? She was invited today and Sadie begged but I just said no. I don’t want to annoy Alexis’ grandparents. What do you think?
Mi Pool, Tu Pool?
Dear Mi Pool, Tu Pool,
My grandparents had a pool growing up and I loved inviting friends over to swim. And I think they loved it too because my grandmother would always bring us ice tea with real mint leaves poolside. Real mint leaves! Can you imagine that kind of service today?
And yes, there was that small incident when I rode my bicycle into the pool but overall it was pretty stress-free and enjoyable for them having me and my friends over.
I wouldn’t assume that Alexis’ grandparents don’t want Sadie over. If only there was some kind of telepathic way to know for sure. Wait – I’ve got it. And this is better than mental telepathy – the telephone!
Just give them a call and say, “Alexis has invited Sadie over to swim. I wanted to make sure it’s okay and not a bother for you.” And if they agree to have her over with a hearty, “No problem!” then please say the following. “Sadie isn’t a strong swimmer so would you mind if I came over and watched the girls in the pool?” I can imagine them being very relieved that you are taking on the responsibility and they don’t have to worry about their safety in the pool.
And that is really the most important part because WATER IS DANGEROUS. Please take it from someone whose sister almost drowned, you can not be too cautious around water. Children (even strong swimmers) need to be watched in the pool because anything can happen. If possible, I would also sign Sadie up for some swim instruction as soon as possible. Then both of you can feel more comfortable when she is in the water.
You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.
That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.
Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?
Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.
Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!
Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?
Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!
In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!
What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:
1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)
We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)
A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.
The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.
But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.
And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.
But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:
1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!
2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.
3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)
4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.
5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?
6. Terrorists! Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes.
7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.
8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)
We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?