I’m Freezing and My Husband is Sweating.
In honor of our 3rd birthday, you all have been giving us some rock star advice all week. But enough of Wendi, Kristine and Marinka, how about me! And my problems!!
Dear Mouthy Housewives readers,
I love when summer finally rolls around. Because I adore warm weather. Throw me in the Sahara desert with a fleece jacket and some wool slippers and I am in heaven.
But here’s the issue. My husband has some kind of weird condition where he likes to be cool. So as soon as the temperature outside goes above 70, he cranks the air conditioning. And I am forced to endure cold, windy drafts and frostbite. (Well, I haven’t gotten frostbite yet but it’s really a matter of time, people.)
I don’t want to spend another summer freezing in my own home. Do we need some kind of marriage counselor with a specialty in meteorology?
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Motherhood in Six Words
Mother’s Day is this weekend and The Mouthy Housewives want to take a moment to honor all the mothers out there with a little tribute, so we’ve asked our favorite bloggers to describe motherhood in six words. Here are the beautiful things they had to say:
Nicole Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog: Motherhood means love, joy, and incontinence.
Lisa Rosenberg, Smacksy: Your favorite jewelry: made of macaroni.
Karen Walrond, Chookooloonks: Most rewarding gig you’ll ever have.
Beth Avant, Hip Mama B: exhaustion, pride, smiles, cuddles, anxiety, completion.
TwoBusy, Two Busy: Glad I didn’t push ‘em out.
Jett Superior, Alphabet Junkie: An endless romance, peppered with hysteria.
Tracey Gaughran-Perez, Sweetney: fulfilling, exhilarating, profound, challenging, beautiful, tired.
Lynn, All Fooked Up: Which part of no was confusing?
Jeni, Highly Irritable: Get used to stepping on Legos.
Amy Windsor, Bitchin’ Wives Club: Not lowering expectations, just readjusting them.
Angie, A Whole Lot of Nothing: Modus operandi: Focus on the positive.
Suzy Soro, Where Hot Comes to Die: Something I chose not to do.
Bri, Sarcasmically: GO AWAY WAIT I LOVE YOU.
Andy, Beta Dad: Not for the faint of heart.
Stacey Conner, Is there Any Mommy Out There?: So tired, so dirty, so happy.
Kristen, Motherhood Uncensored: Hatch, grow, fly, in a flash.
Ellen, Love That Max: Life is hectic, powered by love.
Liz, Mom 101: Ew, what’s this on the sofa?
Jenny, The Bloggess: I’d give my life for you.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Baby on Bored: Having kids hasn’t killed me. Yet.
Tracey Becker, Just Another Mom Blog: I promise: tampons aren’t rocket launchers
Ann Imig, Ann’s Rants: Never close enough never far enough.
Erin Donovan, I’m Gonna Kill Him: Motherhood is…what’s the question again?
Liz McGuire, Peace, Love and Guacamole: Enormous and beautiful, yet surprisingly tedious.
Nancy Davis Kho, Midlife Mixtape: A rollercoaster ride you’d take again.
Shari Simpson-Cabelin, Dusty Earth Mother: Please Consider: Pets Don’t Talk Back.
Pauline, Classy Chaos: One little smile melts my heart.
Jenny, The Suburban Jungle: Unconditional, scary, frustrating, magical, hilarious, aging!
Anna, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Start with Navy Seal. Add tissues.
Deb Rox, Deb On The Rocks: Champagne Wishes, Empty Nest Syndrome Dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day, friends! And remember, if this year doesn’t bring you what you were hoping for, you always have those special stretch marks to enjoy!
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Addicted to Masturbating?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m not really sure if you give this type of advice but I was wondering if there are any negatives from abstaining from masturbating? I do it five to six times a day and I would like to maybe give it up for the year?
Signed,
It’s a Hobby!
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Dear It’s a Hobby,
Welcome to the Mouthy Housewives! You must be new here because if you weren’t, you’d know we’ve answered that question a million times. “Are there any negatives to abstaining from masturbating” is right up there in popularity with “my mother-in-law is driving me crazy” and “Facebook etiquette.”
So is there a downside to no longer masturbating five or six times a day? I can’t think of any negatives but I can think of a few positives like you’d have time for a job and wouldn’t have to buy as much lotion.
Although I’m not sure I’d advocate going cold turkey for a whole year. Maybe just try cutting back a bit. Perhaps it’s time to put down the porn and get outside. I know lots of people are addicted to exercise. I haven’t yet figured out how to acquire this addiction but it seems like a good one. So get out and start running, biking or hiking. And if this masturbation issue is really concerning you, you might also want to seek the advice of a therapist.
But wait, are you a 16-year-old boy? Then sorry, you’re totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Go about your business and someday you’ll outgrow this.
Okay, I’ve gotta run. I need to go explain to my husband why I’ve been googling, “How To Stop a Masturbation Addiction.”
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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“My Day with Oprah” By Watson the Dog
As you all know, every dog has his AHA! moment. Or maybe you didn’t. But let us assure you that we Mouthy Housewives are canine experts, so when we stumbled across this picture on Oprah’s Twitter feed…
…we knew exactly what that dog was thinking. That’s Watson the dog, by the way. Along with Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and Oprah.
And because the Mouthy Housewives have been petelaphatically trained, we can now share with you some of the things that Watson is thinking while being groped:
– OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY DOOGIE HOWSER.
– If only David Burtka would move his hand just a little bit North. That would make Watson a very happy puppy.
– Gayle LOVES it when Stedman and I hold her like this, too!
–Put me down! Rephrase! Rephrase! Lower me, please!
– I’m so writing “Doggie Dearest”!
– Will they at least stop calling me ‘Nate Barkus’?
– Why do Oprah’s boobs smell like tacos?
–Lassie, get help! Gail Collins should do nicely!
–You’re so lucky, they said. Everyone wishes a celebrity couple would take them. What–ever.
–Suddenly they’re all Robert Evans: “The Dog Stays in the Picture!”
– How I Met Your Mot- Oprah
– YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot! YOU get a doggy porn shot!
– SHE HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD. THIS IS HOW SHE CUDDLES.
–White pants, Oprah? Did I miss Memorial Day?
– I better make it to this month’s Oprah’s Favorite Things list!
– For the love of God, stop calling me Dr. Oz, lady. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A PAP SMEAR.
– And to think I almost wore my yellow cardigan sweater. That would have been incredibly embarrassing!
– If this doesn’t boost OWN, I don’t know what will.
– Neil Patrick Harris? More like Neil Patrick HARASS.
– Now I know why Rosie hated this job.
– For the last freaking time, I am not an Emmy.
– Now do you know where my issues come from, Dr. Phil? Huh? DO YOU?
– I bet even Mitt Romney wouldn’t do this crap to his dog.
– Bo Obama is going to see this, Oprah, AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
– This is why we don’t let Oprah have tequila with lunch.
– Stedman! Quit hiding behind that camera and hold my rear end like a man!
–Girl, if my puppy chow isn’t laced with Xanax after this humiliation, someone’s getting their wig chewed.
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He’s Marriage Material. Just Not Now.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, and most of our time together has been wonderful.
However, he is 15 years my senior. This does not bother me, or my friends and family, but lately I am starting to feel pressure from him about when we will be starting a family of our own.
I’m not ready to have children or get married yet, but I do not want to lose him. I really want to accomplish the completion of my bachelor’s degree before I fully settle down, but he is worried that it will take too long and that he will be older than he wants to be when I am finally ready to commit to a family.
I understand his desire for his parents to see their grandchildren, but I am beginning to worry that I am wasting his time by being with him if I won’t be prepared for kids and marriage when he is.
My dreams and goals matter to me, but so do his. What should I do?
Signed,
Not Married With Children
_______________________________________
Dear Not Married With Children,
BREAK UP WITH HIM. Seriously. Right now. And then after a proper amount of time has passed, can you please give me his name and number so I can pass it on to a few of my beautiful, lovely single friends who are totally ready to get married and start a family.
Oh, forget it. He’ll probably still be pining for you.
Every relationship comes with its own challenges. Like my husband has absolutely no sense of direction but always has incredible confidence when it comes to driving somewhere. Which means we’ve been lost like 638 times and had 637 fights over it. (One time we didn’t argue because I was actually sleeping.) You would think GPS would have solved this little marital hiccup but apparently GPS is confusing too. We constantly miss turns and the GPS lets us know in a very condescending tone that it is recalculating the route. Again.
I’m sure you and your boyfriend have no problem reaching your driving destinations but you do have a challenge with your age difference. He’s ready to settle down. You are not. You both have every right to feel the way you do.
So here’s my question… Is this guy the one? Did you immediately say yes? Or did you hem and haw a bit?
If the answer is yes, tell him. Tell him that you want to marry him. You want to have children with him. You love him deeply. But you aren’t ready to ring shop. You will be. But not yet. If he can’t wait or doesn’t understand, you will have to let him go. Because you deserve this time to achieve your own goals. Let me assure you that once you have a couple kids grabbing onto your legs and whining endlessly, it will be a difficult to focus on yourself.
If you hesitated a bit about whether this guy is your soul mate, it’s definitely time to break things off. It will be sad. It will be heartbreaking. But it will be the best thing for both of you.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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