18 Jul
Farewell For Now

You know how much we love giving advice. But we Mouthy Housewives have to take a little hiatus. With all this heat our hair has gone haywire and we are beginning to look like the Richard Simmons quintuplets and that’s just not an appropriate look for the important task of helping you solve your problems.

Plus, the hot weather is just frying our brains, despite the fact that Marinka worked out a deal for Chris Brown to fan us and feed us ice cold grapes 24/7 as part of his community service requirements. Man, why can’t Ryan Gosling ever be on probation?!

Please enjoy your summer! We will probably spend most of it flying to and from London to help look after the royal bambino. Those first-time moms need a lot of guidance. We will miss you terribly, and as a coping mechanism, we will most likely have to partake in lemon drop shots and dirty dancing with Prince Harry. But we’ll still be over at BlogHer Moms with our weekly dose of wisdom, so visit us there!

Goodbye for now,

The Mouthy Housewives

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15 Jul
Help! My BFF’s husband flirt-texted me and asked me not to tell.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My best friend’s husband texted me the other day out of nowhere (I don’t even know how he got my number!). At first I didn’t think anything of it, but then he started getting flirtatious. I did not flirt back and made sure I mentioned my fiancé more than once so the conversation could steer in a different direction (I mentioned wedding planning, house hunting, and his name).

I didn’t want to over-think it, but then he asked me if I minded that he was flirting with me and asked me to not tell his wife about the conversation. I of course told him that I rather he didn’t flirt because his wife is a good friend of mine and I don’t think she would appreciate it. I told my fiancé about the conversation and showed him the texts because I don’t want to hide anything from him. He was obviously pretty upset and doesn’t want me going over to my friend’s house anymore (especially when her husband is there); I also don’t feel comfortable going over there now either.

The dilemma I’m facing is whether I should break this news to my friend. They’re married and have a 1 year old baby. I don’t want to start drama especially when there is a marriage and family involved but I feel like I would want to know if my fiancé/husband was doing this to me. If her husband is texting me, then what else is he doing with other women that his wife isn’t friends with?? If I don’t tell and she finds out later on I feel like it might make matters worse but if I do tell her, then I think she will still be mad at me regardless. I feel like it’s a lose / lose situation and our friendship will not be same after this. What should I do?

Signed,

Don’t Shoot The Messenger

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Dear Messenger,

You are between a rock and a hard place, my friend. There’s a wide spectrum of flirtation, so it’s a little hard to advise you not knowing if your friend’s husband wrote that you looked hot at the block party last weekend, or if he sent you a pic of his privates. HOWEVER, the fact that he specifically asked you not to tell his wife about the texts is super creepy. Bottom line is, you are not going to feel okay about any of this unless you tell her. I feel for you, I really do.

This situation sucks. Did you save the texts? It would help if you could actually show them to her. You can’t expect that she will immediately decide her husband (and father to her child) is a horrible person who she must leave immediately. Still, she’s probably going to feel threatened and defensive, and you need to let her know that you don’t hold her responsible for her husband’s actions, and that you hope it was just a misstep on his part and that you can all get past it.

I’m not sure his flirtatious texts to you are an indication that he’s doing this (or anything else) with other women, but it is a sign of extremely risky behavior on his part. No matter what, it made you uncomfortable, you didn’t reciprocate, and you did nothing wrong. Don’t let either of them try and turn this back on you (I’d bet good money that at least one of them will do exactly that).

Hopefully, this will just be a brief bump in the road for your friendship.

Good luck,

Karen, TMH

 

 

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20 Jun
The Mouthy Housewives Explore The Latest Trend: Boudoir Photography!

You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.

That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.

Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?

Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.

Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!

Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?

Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!

In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!

TMH naked

What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:

1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)

We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)

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09 Jun
My Bossy Sister-in-Law Is Getting On My Last Nerve

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have always loved my sister-in-law, even though she’s always been outspoken and bossy and I’m not. But as we’ve gotten older, when she comes to visit she makes comments about my house and the way we serve dinner etc. She says we have too much “stuff” in our house.

My house isn’t bad at all, but not the showplace that hers is — she has no life other than keeping house and babysitting her grandkids — I’m working, performing, doing community work etc. I hate to cook and hubby and I always invite her & her boyfriend out to eat when they come to visit, but she insists on eating in and having me cook, and the table has to be set a certain way etc. So after I rearrange things and get out all the proper dishes etc., as soon as we eat dinner, she then goes to bed as she’s an early to bed/early to rise type, while I’m a night owl and would love to stay up and talk.

I find myself getting really angry at her in my head even when she’s not around, wondering whether I should tell her to stop ‘bossing’ me around in my own home next time she visits. She has even gone through some of my kitchen drawers and tossed things out that she felt I didn’t need anymore. I’m a person who likes to keep the peace no matter what, but she’s getting to me. Fortunately they don’t visit that often as they live a couple of hours away. Would love to see your opinion on this one.

Sincerely,

Tired of Keeping the Peace

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Dear Tired Peace-Keeper,

She goes through your kitchen drawers and throws out things she feels you don’t need anymore? What the WHAAAAT??!!!

Girl, you are way too nice. There is keeping the peace, and then there’s being a doormat. Your sister-in-law sounds incredibly rude and demanding, but it also sounds like you — and your husband — have let her get away with this behavior for years.

The problem is, if you called her up right now and said, “I hate how bossy you are  when you come to my house!” she would have no clue what you’re talking about because you have never once called her on any of her bad behavior. And now, you’ve let your frustration with her build so much that as soon as she walks in the door on her next visit and says, “Hello,” you’ll scream, “Stop bossing me around!”

Look, I get it. I hate confrontation. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But having imaginary fights saps your energy, and doesn’t solve the problem. So, you have a few choices:

1. The next time you invite them for a visit, insist on going out for the meal. If the sister-in-law pushes back, do NOT back down. Don’t bring up the past, just tell her you really don’t feel like having people over, and if she won’t go out, maybe they should plan a visit for another time when they are willing to go out.

2. I’ve actually given this advice before. If you cave, and have them over to your house, every time your SIL does one of her bossy/inappropriate/rude things, turn to your husband and shout “Drink!” When she asks what that’s about, laugh it off and tell her it cracks you guys up how bossy she is all the time.

3. Go to her house! Give her a taste of her own medicine. Maybe move something from the downstairs bathroom to the upstairs bathroom and tell her you think it looks better that way. Two wrongs may not make a right, but sometimes they sure to feel good.

You sound like a good person. You deserve to have people treat you nicely in return.

Good luck!

Karen, TMH

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06 Jun
Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills

A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.

The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.

But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.

And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.

But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:

1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!

2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.

3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)

4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.

5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?

6. Terrorists!  Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes. 

7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.

8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)

We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?

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