Hands Off My Mother-In-Law, She’s Mine!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister, who is 45 and single, has developed a relationship with my 87-year-old mother-in-law that does not include me. She will drive to my MIL’s, go out to dinner and sleep over. She has also recently started to have my MIL over to her apartment for a couple of nights. My husband also thinks this is odd.
I am married and have two children, one of whom is disabled and I am also in nursing school full time. I can’t devote the amount of time to my mother-in-law that my sister does. My sister and I don’t have the best relationship. It’s okay, but not really close, so when I am mad at her, and I hear that she is at my mother-in-law’s, it kind of drives me nuts. I feel like she is overstepping her boundaries. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Signed,
Hands Off My Mother-In-Law
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Dear Hands Off,
Well, here’s an interesting twist on the ol’ Mother-In-Law issue! She’s not mean or snoopy. She doesn’t poop while holding your baby. She doesn’t smell. She’s just hanging out with your sister. Is it wrong that I’ve already cast the movie version of this? “Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz are the sassiest, bustiest twosome you’ve ever seen! And they’re hittin’ the streets this summer in The Mother In Law/Sister Boogaloo in 3-D! Don’t miss this one! Soundtrack by Snoop Dogg.”
OK, well now we know why I no longer work in Hollywood.
But I really fail to see what the problem is with these two forming a friendship. You’re too busy to spend much time with the MIL, so I would think you’d be happy that someone is watching out for her. (Gotta keep an eye on those older ladies or they’ll blow their life savings at the Bingo parlor, you know.) I suspect that both women are a little lonely, so it seems wonderful to me that they found each other and enjoy the same things. My younger sister was a great friend to my mother-in-law before she passed away and I loved that they had that special relationship.
You didn’t say anything about them gossiping about you or joining forces against you, but is that something you’re worried about? Or is it that you’re simply a little jealous and feel left out? Both the MIL and sister dynamic are fraught with issues and emotional landmines, so I think it’s normal to feel a bit weird about it all. But I’m sure if you ever wanted to join them for dinner or movie night, they’d be happy to have your company. Try it.
Friendship and family can take all shapes and forms, and it’s admirable that your sister opts to spend time with an 87-year-old. Maybe she’s getting some mothering from her or maybe she feels useful by giving her time. Whatever the reason, I say just let them have their fun.
Just not at the Bingo parlor.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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When Grandma is Full of It
I know Kate from Twitter. She’s funny, quick and mouthy, so I immediately thought of her as guest advice dispenser. What I didn’t know (because who can read those Twitter bios) is that Kate is a wonderful artist, making collaged art of fabric sewn together with colored thread. And she’s very funny on Twitter. What’s not to love? -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother-in-law told my 6-year-old son that the reason he’s left-handed is because he had “an identical but right-handed twin who died” in the womb. My son has now become quite withdrawn and has got it into his head that the imaginary friend he had as a toddler was in fact his dead twin. My mother-in-law is normally pretty cool, but she can’t seem to understand that her words have caused upset, as she says the twin idea is a legitimate scientific theory to explain left-handedness.
How do I sort this out?
P.S. My husband is away in the military and isn’t here to help.
Signed,
Shocked Mom
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Dear Mom,
If you were actually carrying twins and lost a child during pregnancy, I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss (and you can stop reading now, I have no advice on how to handle that). But if your mother-in-law told this horribly disturbing story to a six-year-old as a way to explain left-handedness, then…wow. NOT cool, Grandma.
For argument’s sake, let’s say being left-handed requires an explanation. Grandma has her theory, which we both know is not legitimate or scientific by any stretch. If you didn’t contradict her, your son might have assumed you agreed and Grandma was right.
I can understand you don’t want to start an argument. But you can see that your son is struggling to make sense of what she said, and he needs guidance from you.
Maybe he’s creating a story to fit Grandma’s theory because he has nothing else to go on. Or worse, he’s under the impression that every theory is valid, so there is no way to rule anything out to find the truth. Remember: All PEOPLE deserve respect, not all IDEAS.
You don’t have to confront Grandma face to face; let her believe whatever she wants. Just make sure you explain the facts to your son. This is an opportunity for you to teach him a very important survival skill called “Critical Thinking”, also known as “Not believing things that are obviously bullshit.”
Now, you may worry that applying logic to stuff adults say may lead a child to question authority, which may lead to the loss of respect for all adults including Mommy and Daddy. But picture the other extreme – a child who believes anything adults say, who trusts them so completely and without question he climbs into the car of the first stranger who loses an imaginary puppy.
Notice I never said Grandma is crazy or stupid or a liar. Maybe she is cool. I’m just saying her idea is wrong and it is okay not to believe it. You don’t have to pretend she’s right out of respect for your elders.
In short: We love Grandma. Grandma’s theory is 100% wrong.
Please, take this burden off your son’s shoulders. His only defense against the bullshit of the world is the ability to spot it, and permission to disregard it.
Good luck to you and my thanks to your husband for his service,
Kate, Guest TMH
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This Dance Ain’t 4 Everyone, Just the Exey People
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is still friends with his ex-brother-in-law. Ex-brother-in-law lives with my husband’s ex-wife. I think it’s disrespectful for my husband to spend time at his ex-wife’s house in order to hang out with ex-brother-in-law. Am I being disrespected? Should I feel angry about this situation?
Signed,
Complex
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Dear Complex,
Wowza. The last time I felt this confused after reading something was when I was building an Ikea bookcase and couldn’t figure out the how-to instructions. (Said bookcase being “The”Grevbäck,” which I believe means “You just bought yourself an ugly slanty bookcase plus multiple blisters and three extra screws, you stupid American Big Mac Face” in Swedish.) (But my translation may be slightly off because I’m Norwegian.)
Anyway, here’s what I think you said: there’s an ex here, there’s an ex there, everywhere an ex ex. Is that right? Of course it’d be a lot more fun to deal with this issue if there was an “s” added to the beginning of those words, but like my hairdresser always says, let’s just work with the messes we gots all up in he-ah, Ladygirl.
Now, I’ve never been divorced, but I seem to think that exes can see each other without falling into either bed or cahoots with each other. So the fact that he’s seeing his ex-wife isn’t necessarily cause for concern and/or a sign of disrespect. However, if you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable and he blows you off or is rude about it, then you should definitely let him know he’s upsetting you and see what he says.
Have you suggested that the ex-brother-in-law come to your house to hang out? Or that you all meet someplace else? Like your ex-sister-in-law’s ex-cousin’s ex-partner’s X-Files themed restaurant or something? Because if your husband’s still as eager to see his ex-brother-in-law when his ex-wife isn’t around, that’s a good sign that he’s only interested in the ex-brother-in-law’s friendship and isn’t trying to do anything untoward with his ex-wife.
At least that’s my expert opinion.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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My Sister-In-Law Has A Cold So She’s Calling The Cops On My Husband!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”
I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??
My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.
Signed,
Sad and Sickened
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Dear Sad and Sickened,
Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?
It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection. Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.
Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.
At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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The Mouthy Housewives Help You Pack For The Holidays!
With the holidays upon us, some of us Mouthy Housewives are going to visit family. It’s crucial to pack everything one might need. To make sure nothing is forgotten it’s important to make a survival kit…err…..list.
Here are a few things we will be tucking away in our suitcase:
1. Valium – in case the booze is running low or the spouse needs a ‘time out.’
2. Elephant tranquilizer darts and spit gun – for when things get heated but you don’t want to get up because you finally grabbed the chair next to the plate of cookies.
3. Excedrine – for the migraines that come with sitting through another five hours of Aunt Sally describing her bowel surgery…again.
4. Ear plugs – for the plane ride and also to drown out annoying children, who may or may not be yours. Probably yours.
5. Zombie survival guide – because a zombie apocalypse is eerily close to what happens when the in-laws and extended families come together.
6. War and Peace (or any hefty masterpiece) – so that you can call out “I’ll be right there, almost done!” often.
7. Smelling salts – in case of a fainting spells brought on by too much togetherness, um, happiness.
8. Voodoo doll kit – no reason.
9. A shearling coat with a fleece lining to wear indoors because your mother-in-law moved to Florida to be warm but keeps the thermostat at a very refreshing 50 degrees.
10. Your gymnastics trophy from 5th grade so when your siblings start talking about their PhD’s, you have something to brag about too.
11. Your Justin Bieber musical toothbrush because it just isn’t the holidays until you’ve had a Bieber dance off in the bathroom with your Uncle Herbert.
12. Pencil and paper, a calculator and an abacus – because although family-time, holiday travel and preparations can be trying and exhausting, we know how lucky we are and we never stop counting our blessings.
13. And, of course, the gifts! If you’re like us and waited until the last minute, it’s going to be ok, we can give you some help on that too!
Happy Holidays from The Mouthy Housewives!
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