I Want More Kids, He Doesn’t!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I recently started house hunting for our first home. We have one child and have been married for 4 years.
We have always said we wanted 2 children. We checked out our first house today and in front of the realtor my wonderful husband dropped a bombshell. That a 2 bedroom house would be fine since we were not having anymore children.
I asked him when that was decided and he said that we had discussed it already. I guess I was absent for this talk because I would have never gone for that. I made it clear before marriage that I wanted a big family and he was ok with that up until now.
I’m not sure how to handle this. In the privacy of our own home and not in front of the realtor I asked him about it and he just apologized for blindsiding me in front of a stranger.
Signed,
I Want To Go Forth And Multiply
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Dear Multiply,
I don’t understand how your husband can be so heartless as to refer to the realtor as a “stranger.” After all, this is the woman who you have entrusted to find you your home, where your child(ren) will grow up, where you and your husband will grow old together, where beautiful memories will be made and silent treatments will take place.
Really, the realtor is practically a family member. Set a place for her at Thanksgiving.
Now, with that problem out of the way, let’s focus on procreation!
I understand that you and your husband agreed to have two children (The Mouthy Housewives legal team just asked me to clarify that the two of you agreed to have those two children with each other, yes? I mean, we’re not waiting for him to surprise us with an out-of-wedlock baby, I gather.) As a matter of fact, you mention that you want a “big family,” so were the two kids you agreed to just the gateway to Octomomdom?! Either way, things happen.Things being life and the economy and finances and OMG, we can barely swing the two bedroom home, how can we possible manage the mortgage on a three bedroom one?
I’m sorry, I’m projecting. Perhaps money is not an issue for you or your husband, but the fact that he brought up the topic while house hunting makes me think that it is a concern for him. You need to sit down and have a talk. What has made him change his mind about wanting only one child and therefore depriving your child of a sibling? Whether the concerns are financial or otherwise, there are ways to approach the situation without feeling like he vetoed your life plan. For example, the children can share a room. Or perhaps an extra bedroom can be carved out of a larger area of the floor plan. The two of you need to figure out if your family is complete and you shouldn’t hesitate to seek outside help in discussing it.
Just make sure to let the realtor know what you decide. It’s the least you can do.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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My Marriage Needs Some Magic of the Carpet Ride Variety
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have been married for twelve years (together for 17), and we have no kids. Recently, he’s been talking about wanting to “keep the magic” in our relationship. But, frankly, I’m kind of lost. How does one go about daily life and all of its non-magical moments while keeping the spark alive? So much of daily life is boring, mundane, and sometimes even gross.
Please help!
Signed,
The Enchanted One in the Midwest
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Dear Enchanted in the Midwest,
Oh, man, do I HEAR you sister. The other day, my husband was talking about introducing “financial accountability” to the marriage, and I was all, DUDE. Do I LOOK like I know what you’re talking about?
Men, man.
But your issue seems like one we can tackle. The first item of business, however, is to define this term, “magic.” For him, it’s probably fairly intuitive, though it never hurts to actually SPEAK to your spouse for clarity. But I’ll run with the SEXSEXSEX angle for a moment here. Sex magic is going to mean any number of things, and will differ depending on the man. (Unfortunately that “talking” thing is going to play a role once again.) But here are some fun ideas you may want to trial-run in the meantime:
1. Star Wars role playing. For some reason, dudes like this Star Wars business quite a bit. Ask him if he’d like to see your best Princess LAY-A impression. Or, if that doesn’t fit your dynamic, maybe just find an old costume and let that concept lead your exploration. (Hopefully you haven’t recently dressed up as Elmo or something weird like that.)
2. Or perhaps you want to start with something more subtle. That bizarre “massage oil” that your cooky grandmother gave you? Time to put it to use! Just make sure it’s not actually her BenGay.
3. Two words: Naked. Twister. Sure, you’ll look and feel ridiculous, but there’s nothing more magical than someone’s butt crack in your face, amirite?
4. Whatever you do, stay away from something called The Magic Carpet Ride if you have bad knees. (Don’t ask. Ahem.)
But you also need to keep yourself in mind. Take some time to reflect upon the relationship you have with your husband and come up with a list of magical things of your own. What is missing? What can your husband do to help you resolve that issue? Is he willing to wear a dress? These are all questions you’re bound to encounter, so just let them flow.
Really, coming up with magical ideas isn’t too difficult–try a new sport together, do the laundry naked, write a book mocking Paleo-dieters–if you just push yourself a bit. It’s the confidence and vulnerability that often trips couples up. That, however, is something you can work through together if you have a loving, trusting relationship. (Which–at 17 years–sounds like you do. Brava!)
May the force be with you,
Kristine, TMH
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Someone is Stalking My Husband
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is a college professor, and he has a former student who won’t leave him alone.
A couple years ago, before this student graduated, she came to his office and told him that she had developed feelings for him. She admitted that she knew it was wrong and that she would do the right thing and stay away from him.
Since then, she has done the complete opposite. She sends him emails and Facebook messages. She stops by his office hours regularly, saying that she’s there visiting another professor and was just “passing by.”
Over and over, my husband has behaved uncomfortably when she has made contact, and she will ask him things like, “Do you hate me?” to which he replies “No, but you crossed a boundary, and I’m not interested in any sort of friendship with you.” But no matter how many times he says this, she keeps contacting him.
None of what she’s doing is necessarily over the top, or threatening — she will email him with questions about books she’s reading for example — but nevertheless, I find it unsettling that she continues to reach out to him.
My husband does not want to involve the school or any of his colleagues. He feels that would be unprofessional and would make him look bad. He does not want me to confront this girl (I have met her before) via email to ask her to please stop. But I feel that nothing my husband is doing is working, and I would really prefer if this girl got the hint and backed off.
Signed,
Fed up With My Husband’s Stalker
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Dear Fed Up,
Many many years ago when I had glowy wrinkle free skin, perky boobs and a crazy flat stomach, a much older colleague at work wanted to get drinks with me and hang out in our neighborhood. Now maybe he had just taken notice of my dynamic personality and incredible sharp wit and dreamed of a friendship where we would have spirited discussions about politics and global affairs.
Because all older guys want to do that kind of thing with 20-something girls.
Or perhaps he wanted to sleep with me.
The whole thing made me feel pretty uncomfortable and I notified my supervisor about the situation. I just wanted to make sure there was record of the incident in case this guy didn’t take no for an answer. Thankfully, he did.
My point is – your husband needs to take action. I am assuming from your letter that he has done nothing to encourage her. If he has clearly stated his wishes that this former student no longer contact him than she is, without a doubt, harassing him. Why would it be unprofessional for him to involve the school? He is a professor being harassed by a former student. What’s unprofessional is the fact that he’s not taking any action to stop this inappropriate behavior. The only person that will “look bad” is this girl.
Clearly, she is not going to stop on her own. And as much as you love your husband, it’s not your job to tell her to back off. Plus, it would never work. Your husband needs to immediately contact the school and I would also advise notifying local police because a restraining order may be necessary.
I think in this sort of situation it’s way better to overreact than under react.
Good luck to you guys.
Kelcey, TMH
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Please Stop Wanting Sex From Me! This Girl is Tired.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is addicted to sex. No matter what I do, he wants sex all the time. It’s so bad that I pretend I’m asleep when he reaches over to feel my body or I sleep in the guest room to avoid him. I make him angry at me so he won’t want to have sex but nothing is working anymore. He gets mad when I tell him no or when I act like I don’t hear him.
I feel trapped in my own home. I don’t even like my body anymore because of his addiction. It’s gotten so out of control that I’m close to just filing for a divorce. I need advice because I do love him but I’m just so tired of the sex.
Signed,
Get Off Me Hubby
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Dear Get Off Me Hubby,
Tell David Duchovny or Tiger Woods or whoever the hell you are married to to give you some peace for gosh sakes. How is a nice lady like yourself supposed to enjoy hours of television viewing each night if you’ve got some big hairy ape constantly groping you. The Bachelor needs some attention too.
Please know that you are not alone. Other women out there are dealing with this. I know that the American Psychiatric Association has yet to recognize sexual addiction as a real addiction but it sounds pretty real to us. Just ask Téa Leoni.
I think your husband needs to find some new extracurricular activities to keep his hands busy. Like dishes. Laundry. Mopping the floor. Spanking the monkey. That sort of thing. If he is in desperate need of being satisfied, he should handle some of that responsibility.
Your body does not belong to him. Yes, sex is an important part of any marriage. But his incessant sexual demands do not make for a healthy relationship. The two of you need to get to a couple’s therapist as soon as possible. This situation is not going to resolve itself.
I’m worried that you describe him as getting angry when you say no. If you feel like he might get violent with you, then you should perhaps seek help from a counselor on your own before addressing this with him.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected, not sexually mauled at every opportunity. Good luck to you.
Kelcey, TMH
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I Can Bring Home The Bacon But Please Don’t Make Me Fry It Up In A Pan!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My fiancée makes great food, and she cooks for us almost every night. We both work the same number of hours, but she cooks because she gets home earlier. I feel bad about letting her take on all the responsibility of food management, especially since I feel exhausted at the end of the day and I figure she must too.
I asked my father about it, but he’s quite old-fashioned and, though he’s supportive of me generally, he said I shouldn’t interfere with “women’s work.”
I don’t even know how to bring up the topic with her, and I’m a terrible cook. What should I do?
Signed,
No Chef Boyardee
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Dear No Chef,
It’s a good thing you’ve put a ring on it because, frankly, I was considering divorcing my husband just to pursue your kitchen-handy fiancée! I think my spouse may have had the same thought. For some reason he’s tired of the toasted cheese sandwiches I know how to make. Like those somehow get old after 18 years together? He’s very high maintenance!
Also, while I’m sure your father has a lot of good advice in other areas, I’m not confident “it’s women’s work” is a good motto to follow. Does Gordon Ramsey know that cooking is “women’s work”? I’m not really sure you want to anger a guy who’s been quoted as saying: “I have a very assertive way. It’s wake up, move your ass, or piss off home.”
Now, as for your lack of culinary know-how, it’s possible to make up for this inadequacy in other ways, like cleaning the bathroom. Properly. You know, by using ACTUAL cleaning fluid and NOT your wife’s toothbrush. Take it from my husband, that’s the quickest way to find yourself sharing a 1-bedroom apartment with 8 other guys, one of whom goes by the name of Cooter and doesn’t believe in store bought liquor.
But without sitting down with your gal and talking it out, it’s hard to know what her wish list may contain. Perhaps, she’d prefer you to wash the dishes or mop the floor or give the cat a haircut? Having this discussion will give the two of you much needed practice for the many and varied conversations (both heated and not) that are a huge part of marriage and your next 20+ years together.
Good Luck!
Tonya, TMH
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