I’m Freezing and My Husband is Sweating.
In honor of our 3rd birthday, you all have been giving us some rock star advice all week. But enough of Wendi, Kristine and Marinka, how about me! And my problems!!
Dear Mouthy Housewives readers,
I love when summer finally rolls around. Because I adore warm weather. Throw me in the Sahara desert with a fleece jacket and some wool slippers and I am in heaven.
But here’s the issue. My husband has some kind of weird condition where he likes to be cool. So as soon as the temperature outside goes above 70, he cranks the air conditioning. And I am forced to endure cold, windy drafts and frostbite. (Well, I haven’t gotten frostbite yet but it’s really a matter of time, people.)
I don’t want to spend another summer freezing in my own home. Do we need some kind of marriage counselor with a specialty in meteorology?
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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One, Two and Now We’re Three! Happy Birthday to the Mighty Mouthies!
Believe it or not, it’s our birthday today! Yes, just three years ago The Mouthy Housewives were nothing but a twinkle in Bradley Cooper’s Swiffer and now just look at us! We’re walking, we’re talking, we’re learning to use the potty by ourselves—OMG, it’s so fun to be 3! Wheeee!
We’re celebrating our big milestone by swilling champagne, gobbling chocolate and licking pictures of Channing Tatum in our Mouthy Mansion all week, and that’s why we need your help. As you know, all year long, we four gorgeous martyrs answer every single one of your questions. Happily, we may add. Even the dog poop and naked model with a stiffy ones. But our birthday is the one week a year when we ask YOU to help US with our issues. Yep, we have problems, too, friends. Even stunning geniuses have flaws. Just ask poor, troubled Giselle Budchen. Bikinis can chafe.
But because we love all of you, our readers, we know that you’re up to the task. So just do what we do: carefully read the question, sniff some glue and/or bath salts, then put on your thinking Spanx and give us your best answers to our problems. Isn’t that so much easier than buying us all a present? Thank you!
First up: Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives’ Readers,
I absolutely hate cooking dinner. HATE IT. I’m a terrible cook and just not interested in improving. I’d be perfectly happy having cottage cheese and fruit for dinner every night if I lived alone. Maybe popcorn if I was feeling festive.
The problem is, I don’t live alone. I live with two kids and a husband. And did you know that kids need to be fed THREE TIMES A DAY?
Anyway, I can usually figure out something they’ll eat, but then my husband doesn’t like it. (He’s very, very healthy and often goes on various regimines where he won’t eat carbs, etc.) Or I make something he likes and the kids hate it. I don’t want to cook something different for everyone, nor am I that interested in delving into cookbooks and trolling Whole Foods for the perfect recipe to please everyone. But I would like us all to eat together at least a couple of nights a week.
My husband is probably okay with just making his own food, but he also works all day and it’d be nice if I could at least make a couple of meals for the family. Any suggestions? Signed,
Wendi, TMH
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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Harassment?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have lived in our apartment complex for just over 3 years now. One of our neighbors a few doors down has a teenage daughter who has been acting inappropriately since Christmas. She tells my husband (like he cares) that she is 20 so he can “talk” to her if he wants. (She doesn’t look a day past 16!)
She also won’t quit showing up where he is. If he goes to check the mail, she comes out to talk. We will get home at night and she’s parked across the lot from us, but when we come out in the morning, her car has been moved next to us. She has tried several times to give him her number. He tells her that he’s married with a family and doesn’t need her number, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him. She will also go knock on my husband’s car window when he pulls up to the apartment. He tries to ignore her, but she keeps knocking. She is very persistent and is obviously crossing a line. What can I do to get through to this dumb B!%@#?
Signed,
Hate Thy Neighbor
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Dear Hate Thy Neighbor,
Wow. This girl sounds like a real pain in the ass. It must be frustrating that she isn’t listening to your husband when he denies her advances. Obviously, you need to take action with more than candy-coated words. Call me crazy, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind!
Picture it with me! You and the husband are coming home from dinner with the kids. You walk up to the apartment as you normally do, but your husband lingers to collect things from the car. As Neighbor Girl of an Unknown Age approaches your husband, you sneak back out with a bag of flour, take aim, and toss! Fingers crossed it doesn’t land on the car! I mean, husband!
If that’s too messy for your tastes, there’s always the Indiana Jones route. Try booby trapping the parking spot next to yours so that a slew of angry fruit bats is released when her tires trip an invisible wire. That’ll teach her!
Maybe you can’t get bats on short notice, though. In that case, you should definitely get in touch with Gargamel and his cat. Those two are experts at catching annoying little blue things that are often inappropriately dressed.
And, I GUESS, if none of these seems to work with you, there’s always Plan Z . (But, I should warn you that it’s pretty obvious and therefore boring in its effectiveness and common sense level.) Get serious about this mess, stop bitching, and handle the situation like an adult.
If your husband has, in fact, been working diligently to COMPLETELY thwart this girl’s advances (and, based on your descriptions, I suspect he isn’t), you need to move to the next level. This means, if you think it will be effective, talking to her parents about the behavior. Or, you could just go straight to the police. This type of creepy behavior isn’t necessarily life-threatening, but it is indicative of a stalker, which can lead to dangerous territory rapidly. Get a restraining order, if you must.
This isn’t about an annoying girl, but about the safety of your family. Your husband should know that, and so should the cops.
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!
Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!
I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.
BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.
My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his comments seem unwelcome.
Ack! Any advice?
Ethically Challenged
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My Dear Ethically Challenged,
As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.
What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)
But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.
The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.
The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?
Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.
He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.
But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?
Nicole, Guest TMH
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I’ve Got Baby Fever But My Husband Isn’t Feeling It.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 25 and have been married for almost 6 years. When my husband I and got married, I was 20 years old, still in college and we both had no intentions of having children… EVER. Somewhere along the way, I guess my motherly instincts kicked in, and playing mama to my dogs isn’t cutting it anymore and I really want to have a baby. My husband, now 29, still doesn’t want children.
Our lifestyle is often in chaos because he’s in the military and he’s currently learning to fly jets. I keep hoping he’ll change his mind once training stops or maybe mine will go back to where it was. I don’t want to pressure him into having kids and I will NEVER trick him into it either. I want this to be a mutual decision.
For the most part, I’ve given up my dreams to follow and support my husband, and he definitely makes everything worth it. But I’m a little afraid I’ll end up resenting him and I don’t want to. I’m also having a hard time not getting jealous when many of my friends are getting pregnant and having children. I feel like something is missing and I’m a bit depressed.
What do you suggest to help me channel my motherly instincts and jealousy elsewhere, so I stop driving my husband nuts trying to convince him to make babies with me?
Signed,
Longing for a Baby
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Longing for a Baby,
So at the age of 20, you didn’t want a baby. Well, at the age of 20, I didn’t want to ever be one of those suburban moms who drives a gold minivan and wears visors because that would be so lame. But now that I’m just a bit older, I love all the kids that fit in my minivan. And well, visors keep your head cool and protect you from the sun. C’mon, it’s true!
My point is – life changes, priorities change and desires change. I’m amazed you even got married at 20. Because at that age, I was drunk on goldfish shots (Yes, live goldfish! In the shots!) trying to determine whether it was classier to get a tattoo or a belly ring. I eventually went belly ring.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting a baby now. I could tell you how loud, messy and stinky babies are but it would do nothing to temper your desire. And I wish I could funnel your energies into something else but it’s been my experience that when you want a baby, YOU WANT A BABY. And nothing is going to change that.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can sacrifice for another individual. I would strongly suggest you see a couple’s therapist to work on this issue or else it’s going to tear you apart. There can be lots of anger and resentment when couples disagree over growing their family.
Also, stop shelving your own dreams for your spouse. Yes, you may have to making certain adjustments for your husband’s military career but that doesn’t mean you can’t fulfill your own goals. This needs to be an equal partnership after all.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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