Mouthing Off: Holiday Commercials
Oh, you know the ones I’m talking about.
Lexus.
Kay Jewelers.
That one where they won’t stop talking about ORGIES. (Or maybe it’s 4G. Whichever.)
They’re the ever-present car, jewelry, and gadget commercials that make us all feel like a steaming pile of reindeer poop. The ones that suggest you’re probably not a real husband or wife if you don’t fork out some serious cash for blood diamonds this year. I mean, the holiday season is stressful enough, wouldn’t you say? How the hell are we supposed to get into the spirit while being bombarded with images of hipster car drivers with a keen ear for obscure piano music and PDA-loving, diamond-adorned romance novel characters?
It’s CHRISTMASTIME, not Armageddon for crying out loud!
In fact, just the other day, I was enjoying a moment of family harmony after dinnertime. In that brief, blissful five minute period, there were no quarters shoved in the Wii, no sweaty socks sitting on the dining room table, and no shrieks of horror bellowing from the laundry room. The four of us sat on the couch and clicked on the television for some educational programming when–
BAM!
Jane Seymour strikes again.
Suddenly my husband was cursing under his breath about the impossible pressures that are placed on modern man while the children lamented the fact that our Christmas tree wasn’t topped with a Swarovski-studded star. I even found myself daydreaming about chocolate-covered diamonds and humming, “Every kiss begins with…STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!”
We tried to salvage the evening, but a few minutes later, we were subjected to that horrid Lexus commercial. You know the one.
WHY IS THERE A CAR IN OUR LIVING ROOM?!
I WANT A DIVORCE!
I’m not sure what type of feeling it’s meant to evoke, but I’m guessing RAGE isn’t what the advertising executives had in mind. And yet that’s all I can manage to muster when I hear that insipid tune followed by a look of recognition and excitement on some 1%-er’s face. What is this 1953, and we’re all on an episode of Name That Tune? At this point, my family had all had quite enough. My husband flipped the couch over, the children set fire to the Christmas tree, and I went off to find the vodka I buried in the back yard.
And as I lay there in the back yard, covered in dirt and mourning the days of Christmases past, I started scripting my own goddamn commercial in my head. Because who are these people who buy cars for Christmas, and where the hell do they get those ridiculous bows? WHERE? So here’s my version of a more realistic holiday commercial:
*****
Scene: A bickering couple rides in their building’s elevator, late for a holiday party. She digs in her purse for a tape recorder to play the Lexus theme music and surprise her husband.
Him: What the hell are you looking for? Don’t tell me you left your wallet in the apartment, because we are NOT going back, Meegan.
Her: OHJUSTSHUTUPANDLISTENTOTHISMUSICFORAMINUTE! [Presses play.]
Him: I can’t hear anything.
Her: [Banging on tape recorder.] Jesus. I think it’s broken.
The elevator stops and opens. He walks out.
Her: NO WAIT! Why are you always trying to ruin my surprises?!
Him: What surprise? [Spots car parked in front of the building with a red bow.] Ha! Getta load of this! Some asshole bought a $45,000 car for his wife. He probably didn’t even ask her first. Surprise honey, I spent your retirement! What an idiot!
Her: Um, SURPRISE, honey! That’s for you!
Him: [Incredulous.] That’s for ME?
Her: [Beaming with satisfaction.] Mmm-hmm!
Him: Why the…I don’t….I mean…it’s…RED. Why are you always trying to emasculate me?! And are those cloth seats? God, this is the worst Christmas ever.
FIN.
*****
THIS is your American clientele, Lexus. Get it right next year for Pete’s sake.
_________________________
This post contains a sponsored Patio Furniture link. Thank you!
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It’s Your Party And I’ll Stay Home If I Want To
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Are people obligated to attend their spouse’s office Christmas party? My husband expects me to go to his (I don’t make him go to mine), and I REALLY don’t want to go. It’s just one more thing on my already overscheduled holiday calendar.
I don’t really know the people there and have little in common with them. Plus, most office parties are completely boring and I kind of resent forking out for a babysitter just so I can hang out with people I don’t know and be bored out of my mind. I want to reclaim some of the holiday season for myself and my family instead of trying to fulfill society’s expectations.
Can a person get out of going to these parties without causing a fuss or damaging a career?
Signed,
Don’t Make Me Party,
_____________________________________
Dear Don’t Make Me Party,
You know, if you hate office Christmas parties so much, maybe you should have married someone Jewish. Then the two of you could stay at home and make latkes while the rest of the office got their egg nog on. But you didn’t think of that, did you? No, you had to marry for “love” instead. You reap what you sow, baby! (That’s the New Testament, by the way.)
Personally, I don’t know anyone who enjoys her spouse’s holiday parties. Because unless you’re friends with the people there or have a mad crush on your spouse’s co-worker, it is just a work event. With wine. That you can’t drink with abandon because it’s a work event.
And yet in our society it’s expected that people who work together every day and have to get along in exchange for money and health insurance get together and be merry. Fortunately the expectation has been holding steady at “once a year” for a while now. Mostly. Some companies have summer barbecues and spring cruises and the September key parties. Count your blessings.
I’ll wait.
Every company has a different party culture and if your husband says that your attendance is important, do it. Wave the team flag, make small talk. You don’t want him to be the only one there without his trophy wife.
But have some ground rules. Commit to a time limit, ninety minutes perhaps, and have a safe word if he forgets to start saying good byes after that time. In my experience “you promised no more than ninety minutes in this hell hole and it’s already been eighty five and you haven’t even started good-nighting these geezers yet!” doesn’t work too well. For one, it takes a long time to say, so you’re wasting valuable time and also apparently other people can hear you when you speak. I don’t know what that’s about.
Despite this bad news of mandatory attendance, there is a glimmer of holiday hope. Because you can’t go to a party without a mani/pedi/new hair cut and a full body massage. Go ahead and schedule those appointments now. They’ll go a long way to putting you in a party mood.
Ho-ho-ho,
Marinka, TMH
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The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Holiday Gift Guide
The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about family, tradition and togetherness.
Hahahahaha! We’re so funny, aren’t we?! Okay, let’s get serious.
The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about GIFTS, yo!
And, as always, we’re here to help! In the form of our very first Holiday Gift Guide for those very-special-someones on your list! (Our lawyers insisted that you sign some waivers before taking our recommendations on these, but pshaw! We like to live on the edge, baby!) So here we go! Gift time!
For your brother’s new wife:
"And you can always "x" out the heart if he gets on your nerves!"
For your pain in the ass co-worker:
"Get it? It's a mug and a toilet! Ha! I thought of you as soon as I saw it! Sanka?"
Toilet Bowl Mug (Affiliate link) ((So buy a couple.))
For a hostess gift:
"I'll have a whiskey SOUR, please!"
For your BFF, who may or may not be Courteney Cox:
"Apply where the sun don't shine!"
For your no-longer-affiliated-with-PETA BFF:
"I'm not a pet, dumbass, I'm a clutch!"
Christian Louboutin Anstasia Fox Fur Clutch/Pet. Only $2,345!
For Your Favorite Tea Party Member:
"Please wash me by hand. Thank you."
A Swarovski teacup. Under $700 and anti-government!
For the mom in your kid’s class who sends her kid to school with a fever:
A bacteria necklace. What’s that around your neck? STAPH, baby!
For your PTA nemesis:
A crowbar to help her get her head out of her, um, you know.
For your kid’s obnoxious friend:
A new babysitter! (Heroin & herpes cold sores not included.)
For your mother-in-law:
A sweet teddy bear! (Oops! How did all those pins get in there? Ouchie!)
For your ex’s new girlfriend:
So they know what they're kissing. Hmmm?
Bacon Lip Balm, $3.99. Their faces after they kiss: Priceless.
For your favorite reality star:
A Hidey Hole! Get inside, Kardashians! And Teen Moms! And close the lid! Good luck! Hope you can breathe! 
(Hidey hole’s resemblance to a Georgia O’Keeffe painting is completely unintentional, but totally awesome.)
For your therapist:
A comfy therapist is a happy therapist!
Freudian Slippers! $24.95 (Just deduct the cost from your next session & then tell us how that makes you feel.)
For your hot mailman:
We only wish Jack would go postal on us. Rwor! Lick my stamp, Jack! LICK MY STAMP! Oh, God, I'm being delivered!
The Postman Always Rings Twice DVD from Amazon.
For your favorite Mouthy Housewife:
What? Oh! Sorry! We thought it was the 80′s! Is this better?
Oh, who are we kidding? Get us one of each! They’re little! (Well, hopefully not too little. Oh, no, we di’int! YES, WE DID!)
Happy shopping!
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Thankfully
It’s Thanksgiving and we are feeling thankful.
We are thankful for our families and our children and our friends and our DVRs (not necessarily in that order). And we are thankful that we get to spend a portion of each day with you, trying to solve your problems, reading your comments and suggestions, laughing and crying with you.
Beyond that, we have compiled a list of what each of us is thankful for. (Besides the ability to end a sentence with a preposition, because who is going to stop us?)
Marinka is grateful for:
- The Real Housewives on Bravo. Just because they cannot see me, doesn’t mean that we are not friends.
- Starbucks half-caffs. Yes, really.
- Laura Lippman’s books. Because they are page turners and every time one comes out, I can’t wait to read it. Also, Ruth Rendell.
- My kids’ reaction to snow. Because the Eskimos may have 52 words for snow, but my kids have 53 prayers that the snow will turn into a snow day off from school. (That’s ok, I have 54 that school will remain open.)
Tonya is grateful for:
- The thick glass that separates me and my foul mouth from all of the ridiculous folks who try and jump in front of my car, even if I was driving on the sidewalk that one time. You could see me! Hello!!!
- Rap music. It keeps me gangsta, yo.
- Donuts. Do I need a reason?
Kristine is grateful for:
- Empty calories. If they’re empty, then they can’t count, right? ::guzzles eggnog latte::
- Infantile Amnesia. Could you imagine if they could remember those 3am pep-talks around month four or five of no sleep? I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure mine always included offensive language. Something along the lines of OHMYGODJUSTLETMESLEEPORIWILLDIERIGHTHEREINTHENURSERY
- Selective memory. (See above.)
- Push-up bras. Not because I NEED them, of course. They’re just so…OK FINE, I totally need them.
- Internal dialogue. Oh, wait a second. I think I just confused my Thanksgiving list with my New Year’s resolutions.
- Bladder control. (See above.)
Kelcey is thankful for:
- Botox, fillers and laser resurfacing. Maybe not yet. But soon. Very very soon.
- The fact that we live in a world where we can easily stalk ex-boyfriends online instead of showing up at their house and getting arrested.
- Kathie Lee and Hoda. Because if you can’t enjoy a glass of wine while you host a morning show, when can you?
- My four gorgeous children. Especially when they are sleeping.
- “Footloose” remakes. Oh, and the original. Okay, any opportunity to sing “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” while wearing red cowboy boots.
Wendi is thankful for:
- Barry Manilow. I can’t smile without him.
- The PTA. So different from the PITA.
- The fact that it’s not freezing in Texas during the summer. No need for pashima!
- Pedicures. Other people beautifying my toes– can’t put a price tag on that! Although $15 plus tip seems about right.
Please tell us what you’re thankful for this holiday! And have a Happy Thanksgiving!
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‘Tis the Season to Avoid Family!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law has made some really terrible choices in her life, including loving a man who is not very nice. He has served time in jail for fighting, drinks a lot, and has trouble keeping a job. I don’t know for certain, but I’d bet a paycheck that he abuses my SIL. I do know for certain he spends a lot of time sitting on his behind while she works long hard hours to cover the bills. They have a long, ugly history together. He’s a total loser, and none of us can understand why she stays with him.
With the holidays coming up, I’m wondering the best way to handle being around him. I don’t know that I can make nicey-nicey for four days, knowing that he’s going to turn around and hurt her yet again. She has said in the past that she knows he’s bad for her, but she doesn’t want to listen to anything negative about him. Can you give me some coping strategies? We only see my husband’s family three times a year, so not going home for the holidays isn’t an option. Please help!
Signed,
Put up & Shut Up
_________________________
Dear Put Up & Shut Up,
There’s nothing like the holidays to bring the family together for good food, fine wine, laughing children, and hushed whispers about that one relative who just got out of rehab. Fa-la-la-la-la!
It sounds like your sister-in-law has landed herself a real winner! If you genuinely suspect abuse, I think you need to talk things over with your husband. Since this is your sister-in-law we’re talking about, I’d follow his lead. How does he feel about the situation? Has he even gotten involved? What about the host of the gathering? If the guy is still being invited by family, then perhaps it needs to be taken a bit more seriously. That said, once you’ve exhausted legitimate attempts to ensure her well-being and safety, it’s time to wash your hands of it. No one has the power to fix her situation quite like she does.
As for coping with this elephant in the room, I offer the following suggestions:
1. Repeatedly and continually send him off to the store to pick up an obscure, forgotten ingredient. Send him with $10 less than he’ll need.
2. Start a new holiday tradition, where everyone at the table talks about something they are grateful for. Make sure each person finishes with “…and I’m glad that I’m not dating THAT GUY” and gives the dude a roll of the eyes. If he gets defensive, laugh it off with a “oh, we’re just joking around!” Everyone loves that game!
3. Take the kids and play outside! If your family seems confused as to why you’re playing football with toddlers in 30 degree weather, remind them all that they’re indoors with a cold-hearted snake! Burn!
4. Earplugs!
5. Sleeping pills! (In his drink!)
Hopefully your sister-in-law gets herself out of this crummy situation, and hopefully you can enjoy your time with family. At the very least, take comfort in knowing that I’m soon headed back to New York to hang out with my bourbon-guzzling grandmother and HOO BOY has that woman got a mouth on her.
Happy Holidays!
Kristine, TMH
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