26 Jun
Aruba, Jamaica, Ooh I Wanna Take Ya to….Alaska?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m hoping you can help settle an argument I am having with my wife. We’re in the process of booking our first solo vacation, but we are deadlocked over the type of vacation we’d like to have. My wife wants something supremely relaxing, such as a resort in the Mediterranean. I, on the other hand, was hoping for something a bit more exciting and rejuvenating like an adventure vacation in Alaska or Australia. We can only afford one trip like this, so I’d like for us to both be happy.

How can we reach some sort of compromise? Last I checked, there are no zip lines in the Bahamas.

Signed,

Don’t Want No Kokomo

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Dear DWNK,

Well, first off, congratulations on finally getting away on your own as a happy couple now that the kids are grown and three-quarters of your life is over! (Ahem. Sorry. Projecting.)

What a bummer that you aren’t in unity regarding your destination. Talk about a first world problem, amirite?! Ahhh, socioeconomics!

Anyhoo, let’s think here. I feel like you have exactly two options, so let’s explore each.

1. Compromise!

While you may not find many zip lines and whitewater rafting runs in the Bahamas, I bet there are many tropical islands that could satisfy what you are both looking for, if you are each willing to compromise just a tad. For your half of the bargain, start considering a vacation spot that has both adventure and gorgeous, serene beaches. Costa Rica, for example has a little of both, as do many South American countries.

Or, if you are thinking of Australia, consider a resort on one of its many islands. Adventures could include deep-sea diving, whale watching, and running from gigantic, poisonous spiders! As for your wife, she may need to be more flexible in her vision of a serene, tropical resort. Spend some time on the Internet looking up various countries and add the word “beaches” for some visual reference. If she’s being especially stubborn, start Googling mail-order-brides. That’ll teach her! Or, maybe just go with a third party for moderation, such as, oh, a travel agent. (No, really, I hear they still exist!)

2. Go with Option C!

If you cannot come to some sort of compromise, then how the hell did you stay married for so long? Also: really? In that case, your best option is to pick something entirely unlike what either of you had in mind so that you’ll both be equally miserable. For example, you could go to New York City and experience Broadway, The Today Show and the Naked Cowboy.


Or, how about trying a vacation in Ohio? I hear it’s lovely this time of year. No? Not for you? Well, another option still is to use the opportunity to experience life like completely different people!  Dress up like Rockabillies and head down to the local Roller Derby arena. It’s Highway to the DangerZone! Now that will be a night to remember! Or NOT remember, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

(I don’t really know what I mean.)

My point here is that, if you are smart, which you seem to be, you will figure out some sort of compromise. Having one of you cave to the other will probably turn to resentment and midlife crises and Porsches, and that’s just expensive.

Bon Voyage, you crazy kids!

Kristine, TMH

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15 Jun
Father’s Day Cards from The Mouthy Housewives

This Sunday is Father’s Day, and we here at the Mouthy Housewives wanted to take a moment to–wait…Father’s Day is THIS Sunday?!

::checks calendar::

Crap.

Welp! Looks like we’ll be doing another arts & crafts project for Daddio this year, seeing as there’s no time to order that iWhatever, nor is there enough guilt in my heart to break down and buy a gift certificate to Hooters. And since we’re sure there are more of us out there, scrambling to find a card and gift for that impossible-to-buy-for leading man in our lives, we’ve put together a few last minute Father’s Day cards for you, our Mouthy readers. Click to enlarge, print & feel the love!

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18 Apr
The Chocolate Wars

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

The “Easter Bunny” left Reese’s peanut butter cups as the majority of sweets in my son’s basket and my son said he didn’t like that kind of candy. In a fit of guilt for not knowing my son’s own preference in Easter candy, I then gave him my much-coveted Ghirardelli chocolate bar to make it up to him. Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children! Or so I thought…

A day or two later, my son decided he did like Reese’s peanut butter candy after all and proceeded to eat what the Easter Bunny left. So I then ate the Ghirardelli chocolate bar, naturally. Well! When my son found out I did this, there were tears of betrayal and anger at mom. He seemed to think it was still his, even though he ate all of the other candy, too. Was I wrong to take back the chocolate bar and eat it?

Signed,

The Easter Mommy

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Dear Easter Mommy,

Of all the important lessons that we as parents can impart onto our children, here is the biggest, baddest one of all:

NEVER TOUCH A WOMAN’S CHOCOLATE

Followed closely by the other crucial life lessons of “Don’t shoot anyone” and “Never wear something with a Looney Tunes character on it to a funeral.”

But honestly, what the hell is going on in your household that your kid thinks there are takee-backees on chocolate? I’m going to have to question your parenting here, lady, because that’s something he should have learned long, long ago. Haven’t you been cherry picking all of the decent candy from his Halloween bag since he was born? Ordering him a chocolate birthday cake even though he wants vanilla so you can snarf it down after the party? Telling him that Grandma forgot to send him Valentine’s Day candy when you’ve actually squirreled it away in your purse so you can hide in your closet later and pretend it’s David Beckham’s pecs while you slowly lick it? No? And you call yourself a mother?

Stunned. Simply stunned.

So that’s why I want you to step away from the computer and immediately go find your son so you can tell him the following two things:

1. Be happy with whatever the hell you get from the Easter Bunny, you punk.

and

2. Do not EVER try to upgrade to Ghirardelli until you’re at least 18. Or have your own mortgage.

That should work for now. But promise me that in the future, you’ll let him know that when it comes to chocolate, whatever momma wants, momma gets. Or else.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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27 Mar
Parents Behaving Badly Leads to Easter Egg Hunt Cancellation

From the files of Oh, You Thought You’d Heard It All? comes this gem:

The organizers of an annual local Easter Egg Hunt in Colorado Springs canceled this year’s Easter Egg Hunt.

If you think it’s in an effort to lower people’s cholesterol levels or to get the children out of the secular chocolate bunny world and into the House of Worship to celebrate the Resurrection, then you are absolutely adorable.

And wrong. Because the reason that the annual Easter Egg Hunt has been canceled is because some parents acted so horribly last year, the organizers would rather cancel the whole thing than have to babysit the parents. Who can blame them?

Reports of parents jumping in to get plastic eggs so that their child wouldn’t have to have the indignity of remaining eggless are mortifying, until you hear one of the parents explain:

You have all these eggs just lying around, and parents helping out. You better believe I’m going to help my kid get one of those eggs. I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I’d want to give him an even edge.

That’s right, you better believe it.  Because once you make a promise of a plastic egg to your kid, you don’t want to fool around with that blood oath. And if the other parents jumped in and swooped up an egg so that your kid didn’t get one, what would you do? Use it as a life lesson that sometimes people act badly? Or join them because you are not leaving without the motherfokkin’ plastic egg?

The parents acting badly are being labeled helicopter parents. We find that unfair. A parent can be overprotective and hovering (you know, helicopter) without being obnoxious to others. This goes way beyond that.

As parents, we all want what is best for our kids. And that includes Easter eggs and even chocolate and jellybeans. But sometimes we need to step back and realize that teaching our children that it’s okay to push and shove as long as we get the plastic egg is not the lesson we want to impart.

Now, Faberge eggs—that’s a different story.

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10 Feb
Compulsory Valentine’s Day Cards

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I got an email from my son’s 3rd grade Class Mom suggesting that the kids make Valentine’s Day cards for all the other kids (24!) in the class, so that no one is excluded.

I thought it was a cute idea, but when I told my son, he said that he didn’t want to do it. Should I insist?

Signed,

Cupid’s Mama Didn’t Have These Problems

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Dear Not Cupid’s Mama,

Should you insist that your son make Valentine’s Day cards in bulk to distribute to friends and nemeses alike?

Should you insist that your son celebrate an indu$try created holiday?

Should you insist that your son spend time and energy doing arts and crafts instead of battling Pokemon for badges, experience points and all that is good in the world?

That’s one of those parenting decisions that you have to make with your spiritual adviser, because no one answer will fit all families.

But no way would I force my child to participate.   Mostly because the idea of overseeing this project is making me want to stress-eat enough chocolate to deprive several families of Valentine’s Day festivities.   And because I see this project as busywork.

In my experience, arts and crafts and most third grade boys don’t mix (and it is absolutely not the mother’s fault. Not even a little bit, so quit your finger pointing.)   Writing out 24 cards can be an exercise in torture for adults, and kids don’t find it any more enthralling.

One solution would be to ask your son to select a multi pack of Valentine’s Day cards at the local dollar store and have him write his classmates names on them over the course of   a few days.

This has the benefit of being relatively painless for everyone involved and avoids the possibility of your son being *gasp!* the only one without cards to distribute.

Another option would be to suggest to the Class Mom and the teacher that you bring in muffins or an amaryllis bulb, as a gift from your son to the class.   From what I know about 8 year olds’ affection for cards, they would much prefer a snack anyway. Or even a class flower that they could watch grow. Really, it’s the new paint drying.

The important thing is that your son understands that excluding his classmates is hurtful. If he wants to give a card to just his closest friends, he should do that outside of school, to avoid hurt feelings. Hopefully together you can brainstorm of a way to include all of his classmates in the celebration. And hopefully next year the Class Mom will be less ambitious.

Hearts and Arrows,

Marinka, TMH

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