06 Dec
What’s with All the Holiday Decorating Pressure?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

We live in a neighborhood where everyone decorates the outside of their house for Christmas. We never do because we go out of town and aren’t that into spending money on something that doesn’t matter to us. However, recently a couple of neighbors have passive-aggressively made comments about how bad it looks to have our house dark on a festive street. Should I cave in and hang up some lights (which I can’t afford to give either time or money to) or just ignore them? I don’t want to cause trouble.

Signed,

Am I Gretchen the Grinch?

______________________________

To read the answer, click here…

 

 

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13 Feb
The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts 2013

Shop wisely, people.

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30 Oct
Quit Tempting Me, Stupid Halloween Candy

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Halloween is just one day away and my house is full of candy to give to Trick or Treaters. I’m trying to resist it and stick to my diet, but it’s not easy. Any tips on how to resist?

Signed,

Tempted by Treats

_________________________

Dear Tempted By Treats,

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of willpower. Not to brag, but I personally have a tremendous amount of willpower. In fact, I haven’t even touched the many SWEET JESUS I WOULD KILL FOR A F*$#ING KIT KAT bags of candy I bought for Halloween. Nope, not a single piece of candy has passed by my determined lips.

You see, Tempted, it’s important to remember that dieting OMG SNICKERS ARE LIKE CARMEL METHAMPHETAMINE is a mental game. And one needs to stay strong of mind and appreciate that your body’s health is far more important than GET INTO MY MOUF, YOU DELICIOUS PEANUT M&M BASTARDS a few moments of sugary weakness. For it is our strength that keeps us looking good and feeling good, is it not?

That’s why powerful, clearheaded women like yours truly never, ever I GONNA LICK YOU ALL OVER LIKE A STRIPPER POLE, LAFFY TAFFY even look at our Halloween candy until Halloween night. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. So my advice to you is to stop being so weak and AWWW, YEAH, 50 SHADES OF TWIX BAR pathetic and eat an apple instead. If you do that, I’ll be proud of you, but more important to note is that I JUST HAD A THREE MUSKETEERS 3-WAY AND NOW I NEED A WINE COOLER AND A CIG you’ll be proud of yourself. Go, you!

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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25 Oct
What’s with the Old People Begging for Candy on Halloween?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Every year on Halloween, we notice something very obnoxious in our neighborhood. In addition to the many children and teenagers in costume, we also get a handful of older women pushing around strollers and asking for candy. Last year, it was a grandmother and her grandson. She came to the door, leaving the stroller with a friend at the end of our driveway, and asked for candy for the infant. WTF?! I wanted to say no, but in the moment I just kind of looked at her, flabbergasted, and handed her the damn candy.

Should I speak up this year or will my house get egged?

Signed,

Halloween is Not for the Elderly

__________________________________

Dear Halloween is Not for the Elderly,

Apparently, Halloween seems to be the one day that you can show up at stranger’s houses and demand free food. Well, I also do it on Arbor Day, but take it from me, it’s far less successful.

My feeling is – No Costume, No Candy!  Say it with me! I mean, even those hoodlum teenagers manage to throw a pillow case over their heads and pretend to be ghosts for some free Snicker bars. You gotta put a little effort in! Even when my daughter was just 2 months old, I stuffed her into a super lame ear of corn costume. It wasn’t my first choice but it was the last remaining crumpled costume lying on the floor at Buy Buy Baby. But as far as I was concerned, that costume earned me some free candy corns.

So has the grandmother stuck her grandson in a cute little Pumpkin outfit? Well, then hand over the goods. But if he’s dressed as a baby, then no luck.

I understand why you fear being egged if you hold your ground. Those trick or treaters are a rowdy bunch and I once had a 4 foot Dracula aggressively insist I was dressed as Amy Winehouse when I was so obviously Priscilla Presley. What is wrong with 3rd graders anyway?!

But just put up a cute sign by your doorbell that says, “No Costume, No Candy” and if someone still has the audacity to demand candy without even a hint of dress up effort, let them know that you are running low and would love to save it for the kids in the neighborhood.

Or even better, just have some boxes of craisins nearby that you can throw in their bag. Trust me, they will never come back. Not even on Arbor Day.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

 

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17 Oct
Let’s Take the Sex Out of Halloween

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!

Signed,

No Fishnets Please

__________________________

Dear No Fishnets Please,

You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!

Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.

But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:

Photo via Crushable.com

Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)

Or how about this unsexy costume?

Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!

(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)

Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:

Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is  friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.

If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

And here are some too sexy kids’ costumes we wrote about last year.

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