The Chocolate Wars
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The “Easter Bunny” left Reese’s peanut butter cups as the majority of sweets in my son’s basket and my son said he didn’t like that kind of candy. In a fit of guilt for not knowing my son’s own preference in Easter candy, I then gave him my much-coveted Ghirardelli chocolate bar to make it up to him. Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children! Or so I thought…
A day or two later, my son decided he did like Reese’s peanut butter candy after all and proceeded to eat what the Easter Bunny left. So I then ate the Ghirardelli chocolate bar, naturally. Well! When my son found out I did this, there were tears of betrayal and anger at mom. He seemed to think it was still his, even though he ate all of the other candy, too. Was I wrong to take back the chocolate bar and eat it?
Signed,
The Easter Mommy
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Dear Easter Mommy,
Of all the important lessons that we as parents can impart onto our children, here is the biggest, baddest one of all:
NEVER TOUCH A WOMAN’S CHOCOLATE
Followed closely by the other crucial life lessons of “Don’t shoot anyone” and “Never wear something with a Looney Tunes character on it to a funeral.”
But honestly, what the hell is going on in your household that your kid thinks there are takee-backees on chocolate? I’m going to have to question your parenting here, lady, because that’s something he should have learned long, long ago. Haven’t you been cherry picking all of the decent candy from his Halloween bag since he was born? Ordering him a chocolate birthday cake even though he wants vanilla so you can snarf it down after the party? Telling him that Grandma forgot to send him Valentine’s Day candy when you’ve actually squirreled it away in your purse so you can hide in your closet later and pretend it’s David Beckham’s pecs while you slowly lick it? No? And you call yourself a mother?
Stunned. Simply stunned.
So that’s why I want you to step away from the computer and immediately go find your son so you can tell him the following two things:
1. Be happy with whatever the hell you get from the Easter Bunny, you punk.
and
2. Do not EVER try to upgrade to Ghirardelli until you’re at least 18. Or have your own mortgage.
That should work for now. But promise me that in the future, you’ll let him know that when it comes to chocolate, whatever momma wants, momma gets. Or else.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Parents Behaving Badly Leads to Easter Egg Hunt Cancellation
From the files of Oh, You Thought You’d Heard It All? comes this gem:
If you think it’s in an effort to lower people’s cholesterol levels or to get the children out of the secular chocolate bunny world and into the House of Worship to celebrate the Resurrection, then you are absolutely adorable.
And wrong. Because the reason that the annual Easter Egg Hunt has been canceled is because some parents acted so horribly last year, the organizers would rather cancel the whole thing than have to babysit the parents. Who can blame them?
Reports of parents jumping in to get plastic eggs so that their child wouldn’t have to have the indignity of remaining eggless are mortifying, until you hear one of the parents explain:
You have all these eggs just lying around, and parents helping out. You better believe I’m going to help my kid get one of those eggs. I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I’d want to give him an even edge.
That’s right, you better believe it. Because once you make a promise of a plastic egg to your kid, you don’t want to fool around with that blood oath. And if the other parents jumped in and swooped up an egg so that your kid didn’t get one, what would you do? Use it as a life lesson that sometimes people act badly? Or join them because you are not leaving without the motherfokkin’ plastic egg?
The parents acting badly are being labeled helicopter parents. We find that unfair. A parent can be overprotective and hovering (you know, helicopter) without being obnoxious to others. This goes way beyond that.
As parents, we all want what is best for our kids. And that includes Easter eggs and even chocolate and jellybeans. But sometimes we need to step back and realize that teaching our children that it’s okay to push and shove as long as we get the plastic egg is not the lesson we want to impart.
Now, Faberge eggs—that’s a different story.
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Compulsory Valentine’s Day Cards
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I got an email from my son’s 3rd grade Class Mom suggesting that the kids make Valentine’s Day cards for all the other kids (24!) in the class, so that no one is excluded.
I thought it was a cute idea, but when I told my son, he said that he didn’t want to do it. Should I insist?
Signed,
Cupid’s Mama Didn’t Have These Problems
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Dear Not Cupid’s Mama,
Should you insist that your son make Valentine’s Day cards in bulk to distribute to friends and nemeses alike?
Should you insist that your son celebrate an indu$try created holiday?
Should you insist that your son spend time and energy doing arts and crafts instead of battling Pokemon for badges, experience points and all that is good in the world?
That’s one of those parenting decisions that you have to make with your spiritual adviser, because no one answer will fit all families.
But no way would I force my child to participate. Mostly because the idea of overseeing this project is making me want to stress-eat enough chocolate to deprive several families of Valentine’s Day festivities. And because I see this project as busywork.
In my experience, arts and crafts and most third grade boys don’t mix (and it is absolutely not the mother’s fault. Not even a little bit, so quit your finger pointing.) Writing out 24 cards can be an exercise in torture for adults, and kids don’t find it any more enthralling.
One solution would be to ask your son to select a multi pack of Valentine’s Day cards at the local dollar store and have him write his classmates names on them over the course of a few days.
This has the benefit of being relatively painless for everyone involved and avoids the possibility of your son being *gasp!* the only one without cards to distribute.
Another option would be to suggest to the Class Mom and the teacher that you bring in muffins or an amaryllis bulb, as a gift from your son to the class. From what I know about 8 year olds’ affection for cards, they would much prefer a snack anyway. Or even a class flower that they could watch grow. Really, it’s the new paint drying.
The important thing is that your son understands that excluding his classmates is hurtful. If he wants to give a card to just his closest friends, he should do that outside of school, to avoid hurt feelings. Hopefully together you can brainstorm of a way to include all of his classmates in the celebration. And hopefully next year the Class Mom will be less ambitious.
Hearts and Arrows,
Marinka, TMH
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Love Is In The Air! Just Not At My Daughter’s Preschool
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter goes to a Jewish preschool where they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. However, my older daughters will celebrate it at public school and I know my younger one will want to do it too. How should I handle this? Secretly give Valentine’s to all her preschool friends?
Signed,
I Didn’t Even Know Valentine’s Day Was A Religious Holiday
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Dear Didn’t Know V-Day Was Religious,
It’s possible that the school put that policy in place because they heard about my traumatic high school Valentine’s Day experience. Nothing says awkward teen moment like a boy showing up to your homeroom with a 4 ft card, balloons, and a huge, heart-shaped box of chocolates! Did I mention he looked NOTHING like Ryan Reynolds? And had all the grace and charm of Potsie from Happy Days. It was very hard to be me. It was also very hard to spell “Potsie” correctly.
Of course, it’s also possible that the school takes some issue with the Christian origins of the holiday. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius established the day to honor martyred Saints, like Saint Valentine. It has since become a day for the celebration of love or teen uncomfortableness, whichever. What the school might not realize is that in 1969 Pope Paul VI deleted the day from the General Roman Calendar of Saints. Still, its derivation remains one of Christianity, which for some Jewish schools may be a little problematic.
But even though your daughter isn’t able to give everyone in her class a Valentine, she can still get into the spirit of the day and make Valentines for her siblings, her parents, and other members of your family and neighborhood friends. Maybe even make one for Potsie? You can also get together as a family and make heart-shaped cookies! At the end of the day, the best part of this holiday is using glitter and eating sugar!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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Happy New Year’s Resolutions!
It’s that time again! We bid farewell to the old year, greet the new and make resolutions that are both unrealistic and unattainable! 2012 is going to be huge!
This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:
In 2012, Marinka resolves to:
Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.
Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.
Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.
Wendi resolves to:
Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.
Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”
Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.
Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.
Tonya resolves to:
Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)
Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.
Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.
Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.
Kristine resolves to:
Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!
Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.
Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.
Kelcey resolves:
To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.
To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris. For a very long time.
To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.
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Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!
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